How to Tell a Friend That Their Partner Is Cheating

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

Can you think of a more awkward and uncomfortable situation than knowing your friend’s partner is cheating and deciding if and how you should tell? Probably not. It may seem like a clear-cut situation, but there’s a lot to consider before sharing what you know. Start by making sure you really need to break the news. Then, have a compassionate conversation with your pal. Afterwards, be sure to care for yourself emotionally, mentally, psychologically and physically, if the fallout is negative.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Making the Decision to Tell

PDF download Download Article
  1. Before you jump the gun and start dialing your friend to tattle, make sure what you saw was actually cheating. You’ll stir the pot for no good reason if it turns out your friend’s partner is simply having lunch with a coworker or a distant relative. Carefully evaluate what you saw just in case you are reading into something completely innocent. [1]
    • Was there hand-holding, hugging, or kissing involved? What about the interaction makes you think your friend’s partner is cheating?
  2. If you are absolutely sure the interaction falls under the category of infidelity, get proof. You may not have to use this. But, it’s better to have proof, just in case you decide to share the info and just in case your friend doesn’t believe you.
    • You might take a picture or record a video of your friend’s partner with their illicit lover.
    • Be discreet, if you decide to do this.
    Advertisement
  3. You must be willing to acknowledge the idea that your friend and their partner have an open relationship. Such relationships, in which both partners agree to date other people, are becoming increasingly more common. You could be assuming their partner is cheating, when they actually have permission to see other people. [2]
    • Some people in open relationships have an understanding between one another but may not share the dynamics of their relationship with family or friends. Your friend may be perfectly okay with their partner dating someone else--they just may not have told you about it.
    • Sticking your nose in their relationship business could put both you and your friend in an awkward position.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 629 wikiHow readers what they would do if their partner was cheating over text, and only 6% said they would forgive them and try to work through it. [Take Poll] While this may not be the best strategy according to our readers, consider what you know about the relationship before approaching a friend.
  4. Consider the ramifications of sharing what you know. You might automatically feel like telling is the “right” thing to do, but it may not be what’s best for your friend. Spend some time pondering the ups and downs of telling them. [3]
    • Make a pros and cons list that outlines the positives and negatives associated with breaking the news to your friend. A pro might be “She’ll know her partner’s unfaithful.” Cons might include “She’ll be angry at me for delivering the news” or “She is already fragile from being cheated on in the past. The news will ruin her.”
  5. Another way to make this decision is by using empathy. Ask yourself what your friend would do if they were in this position. Consider what you know about your friend, their personality, and their beliefs. [4]
    • Are they a champion of being honest? Do they have trouble believing anything negative about their partner?
    • Use what you know to consider how your friend might respond to the news and whether telling is the best decision.
  6. Your first impulse may be to call up another pal and tell them what you know. You may not do this to spread gossip necessarily, but to get their advice. Don’t. It may feel good to share the burden with another friend, but it’s disloyal. Avoid discussing your friend’s personal business with anyone else who knows them or their partner. [5]
    • Talking to another mutual friend could start the rumor mill. It may also create drama if your friend decides not to act on the information.
    7. Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Friend

PDF download Download Article
  1. Disclosing sensitive information to a friend is distressing enough. Avoid doing it right away or when you are still angry. Wait until you have calmed down and decided what you will say. Choose a time when you and your friend are alone. [6]
    • Instead of breaking the news in a public place such as a restaurant that may feel like a fishbowl to your friend, go somewhere private like a park bench or a quiet courtyard.
    • Don’t talk to your friend at a time when or at a place where their partner could walk in on the conversation.
  2. You might ease into the topic by asking your friend how the relationship is going. Starting here may also give you an opening to bring up the infidelity.
    • For example, you might say, “How are things with you and Brittany?” Use your friend’s response to determine how you approach the subject.
    • If they believe things are good, you might say, “Hmm…Well, maybe I misread the situation…”
    • If they admit things have been rocky, you might say, “I’m sorry to hear that, but that’s why I wanted to talk to you…”
  3. Be forthright and considerate when you divulge that your friend’s partner is cheating. Use a soft, caring tone. You may also take your friend’s hand or rub their shoulder as you share the news.
    • It may be appropriate to say something like, “This is really hard for me to do, but I felt a duty to share this with you. I saw Hank with another woman the other day. They were having lunch in the city.”
  4. Don’t automatically assume your friend wants to see proof. They may need to process the news before being forced to see pictures or watch a video. Let them know that you have it, if they’d like to see it. [7]
    • You might say, “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing so I took a picture. I have it, if you’d like to see.”
  5. Your friend may be overcome by a lot of emotions once you share the news about the cheating. They may associate these feelings with you and try to get distance. It may be smart to go ahead and call out what you think they might do and ask them not to. [8]
    • For example, you might say, “We’ve been friends for years, so this was really hard for me to do. I don’t want to see you hurt, but it wouldn’t feel right to keep this from you. I know you might want to push me away or “shoot the messenger.” Please, don’t. Whatever you decide to do with this information, it’s up to you. But, please let me be here for you.”
    6. Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Caring for Yourself after the Talk

PDF download Download Article
  1. Even if you plead with them not to push you away, your friend may still do so. They may want space from you, as the bearer of bad news. Plus, if they choose not to leave their partner, they may prefer not to be reminded of the cheating by seeing or talking to you. [9]
    • Signs of avoidance might be that they stop answering your phone calls or constantly be "busy" when you try to make plans.
    • Expect that they might react this way and know that there isn’t anything you can do about it.
  2. It may help to talk the situation over with someone you trust after you’ve told your friend. You might decide to do this if you are hurt by their reaction towards you or if you simply need advice about how to move forward. Be sure to choose someone unrelated to the situation who doesn’t’ know your friend or their partner. [10]
  3. Be gentle with yourself and keep in mind that you did what you thought was best for your friend. Don’t beat yourself up if they seem to resent you for telling. Take some time to nurture your physical and mental health and well-being. [11]
    • While you may regret telling your friend because of the stress and conflict it has caused, remember that withholding such important information from your friend may have been just as stressful.
    • Be sure to get plenty of rest, eat nutritious meals, and get regular exercise.
    • You might also perform calming activities like visiting a spa, meditating, taking a warm bath, reading a book, or going for a hike outdoors.
    4. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      Warnings

      • Be cautious in your approach, as your friend might turn their anger, sadness, and frustration on you if they cannot handle the information that you share.
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Handle a Cheating Partner
      How to
      Make Someone Tell the Truth
      How to
      Catch a Cheating Boyfriend
      How to
      Catch a Cheating Partner
      How to
      Confront a Cheater
      How to
      Tell If Your Husband Is Having an Affair (& What to Do If He Is)
      Catch Your Spouse Cheating: Legal Methods to Get the Proof You Need
      How to
      Catch Someone Who Is Cheating Online
      How to
      Tell if Your Wife Is Cheating
      How to
      Ignore a Cheating Husband
      Did Your Wife Cheat? Experts Weigh in on Your Next Steps
      Is It Okay for Your Husband to Text Female Friends? Learn What's Fine and Where to Draw the Line
      How to
      Deal with a Cheating Husband Spiritually
      How to
      Break up With a Married Man
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ http://lifehacker.com/what-to-do-when-you-think-a-friend-is-being-cheated-on-1724532688
      2. ↑ http://www.self.com/story/open-relationship-stories-rules-questions-people-ask-me
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201008/should-you-tell-your-friend-his-or-her-partner-is-cheating
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201008/should-you-tell-your-friend-his-or-her-partner-is-cheating
      5. ↑ http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/do-i-tell-my-friend-their-partner-is-cheating-on-them-a6697171.html
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201507/5-ways-to-deliver-bad-news-with-a-minimum-of-pain
      7. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-respond-when-someone-you-know-is-cheating_us_55c107a7e4b0a50ad0aaa9b3
      8. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/cheating-tell-a-friend_b_1665757.html
      9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/cheating-tell-a-friend_b_1665757.html
      1. ↑ http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/do-i-tell-my-friend-their-partner-is-cheating-on-them-a6697171.html
      2. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Telling your friend that their partner is cheating can be really tough, but if you break the news in the right way, you should make it a little easier for them. Before you tell your friend, make sure what you saw was actually cheating and they’re not in an open relationship. It’s best to wait until you’re calm and your friend’s not too busy or stressed to tell them. It will be a big blow so try to be as gentle as possible. For example, say something like, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but I think you deserve to know the truth. I saw your partner kissing someone else at the park a few days ago.” If you have evidence, like a photo or screenshot, ask if they’d like to see it. For more tips from our co-author, including how to deal with a friend who’s cold towards you after you break the news, read on.

      Did this summary help you?
      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 223,999 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Nikita Krauspe

        Apr 4, 2016

        "This article has helped me with something that was actually hard to do."
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement