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Both love and sexual attraction can cause strong reactions, but it’s sometimes difficult to tell which one it is. Sometimes, one person feels love, while the other is simply around because of lust. Understanding the difference can help you decide where your relationship with the other person is going.
Steps
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Identify whether what you and the other person feel is sexual attraction. Signs of lust might include focusing on each other’s appearance, having a relationships that revolves around sex, and little interest in having real conversations and getting to know the other person. Having a relationship based entirely on sexual attraction can work for a while, but things can become complicated if one partner feels love for the other while the other only feels lust. [1] X Research source
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Ask yourself if you or the other person feel love for the other. Love is usually coupled with sexual attraction, but love goes deeper. Think about whether you and the other person have long and deep conversations to really get to know each other and if you value each other’s happiness. Analyze if you want to be part of that person’s life by getting to know friends and family, and whether you feel romantic attachment to that person. Do you share similar values and interests? Do you feel a deep connection to that person? Some qualities you might find in a suitable partner include:
- A commitment to personal growth and becoming a better person.
- An awareness of their own baggage or weaknesses.
- Emotional openness.
- Responsible and respectful.
- Integrity; they practice honesty with you, themselves, and others.
- Loves because they feel good about themselves, not in order to feel good about themselves.
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Realize that biology plays a role. Lust and romantic love are two of three brain systems that help explain universal human attitudes toward mating and reproduction. Sexual attraction, romantic love, and long-term feelings of attachment work together in different proportions to create feelings of love in a relationship. [2] X Research source
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Suggest doing different activities with the other person. Try to find events that you would both enjoy. If it’s easy to find things that you love to do together, you might be on the way to love. If you have trouble finding anything to do together that doesn’t revolve around sex or the promise of sex, it’s a good guess that you’re just experiencing sexual attraction. [3] X Research source
Gain reassurance about true feelings.
"I worried my girlfriend was just using me and didn't really care. But after reading about the differences between love and lust, I felt reassured she truly loves me. Realizing love goes deeper than physical attraction helped me see her feelings are genuine. Now, I can focus on our connection with new confidence."
- Lewis D.
Overcome relationship challenges positively.
"This article really helped me with relationship struggles in my 2-year partnership. Learning to communicate openly about expectations prevented misunderstandings. Tips on deciding whether to continue an incompatible relationship guided me positively. Now, I have the tools to overcome challenges."
- Calvin B.
Address an issue causing conflict.
"My fiancé would snap during casual chats, and I didn't understand why. This article helped me realize different relationship goals can cause conflict. We had great physical chemistry but weren't connecting emotionally. Talking through needs openly, like the article suggested, really improved our dynamic."
- Donald M.
Strengthen an engagement with a better understanding.
"As a newly engaged person in my first relationship, I worried my partner just wanted sex. This article clarified the key differences between love and lust. Now, I better understand my fiancée's needs and feel confident strengthening our bond. The guidance made me a more thoughtful, attentive partner."
- Sam M.
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Talk to the other person about what they are getting out of the relationship. If they only talk about your appearance or your sex life, that points to it being primarily a case of sexual attraction. Even if you might feel love, you have to consider the other person’s feelings and ideas about the connection you share. Discussions like these can be uncomfortable, but they can also help clarify how you both feel.
- "I really like hanging out with you and I hope you like hanging out with me. What do you have the most fun doing together?"
- "I don’t want a big serious conversation, but I wanted to know if you like keeping things the way they are between us or if ultimately you might be looking for more."
- "I know we haven’t defined things, and that’s fine, but I wanted to know how you see our relationship."
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Open communication is the best way to see if you're on the same page. Besides asking what the other person wants, make it clear what you want, too. State your own expectations clearly, whether you're looking for something casual or something long-term.
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Ask yourself whether you want to continue in a relationship if it’s clear you have different goals. Even though lust can turn to romantic love, it’s often just about sexual attraction and will not develop into anything further. As much as you might want one kind of relationship with the other person, if they do not reciprocate you can’t have the connection you want. [4] X Research source
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Pause the relationship if you can’t agree. Sometimes both sides need time to think about what they really want. If you have two different ideas about where the relationship is headed, you might not be able to reach a shared understanding of what you have. If you can reach a shared vision about where you’re going, that’s great. But it’s often difficult, if not impossible, if you and the other person are far apart in terms of what you hope to get out of the relationship. At that point, you would probably want to break it off. [5] X Research source
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Share your vision for the relationship. Be honest with the other person. If you want a monogamous romantic relationship, let them know. If you want a primarily sexual relationship in which you’re both free to see other people, they should know that as well. Don’t just assume they know what you want – tell them.
- "I’d like to continue being with you, but I was hoping we could agree not to date other people. I really like you and would like to see where this relationship goes."
- "I think we have great sex and I want that to continue. I’m really not looking for anything more at this time. How do you feel about that?"
- "I’m not sure where our connection will lead, but I think we have something special and I want to take the time to explore that. How would you feel about waiting to have sex for a while?"
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Determine if the other person has the same goals for the relationship. If the other person is in agreement, figure out each of your expectations. Any relationship you choose to have is legitimate – from one based on sex to one that saves sex and is only about romantic love, and everything in between. Think about how to achieve your relationship goals if you and your partner want the same thing. If you both feel just lust, what kind of parameters will you put on your time together? If you both are feeling romantic love, what next steps toward commitment do you want to take together?
- "I’d like for us to keep hanging out like this, but I’d really like you to meet my friends – they really want to meet you. Would you feel comfortable coming to a party with me?"
- "I know we’re both busy and want to keep this pretty light. Why don’t we just get in touch when we want to have sex?"
- "Can I call you my partner? I know we hadn’t talked about this yet, but I was hoping that we could define each other in that way."
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Keep communicating about the relationship. You might find that your ideas about where it’s going change as time goes on. It’s possible that the romantic love you thought you felt was actually excitement and you just want to keep having sex with the other person and leave it at that. Or you might find the connection sex brings you leads to a deeper connection and the beginnings of romantic love.
- "I know we had talked about seeing where this relationship went, and I think I’m happy for us to be friends who have sex together and leave it at that."
- "It’s been great being intimate with you, and I am feeling a deeper connection. Would you be willing to hang out sometimes and not have sex and see where we are?"
- "I’m confused. I thought I wanted a _______ relationship with you, but now I’m not so sure. I think I want a _______ relationship instead. How do you feel about that?"
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Speak up if you do not like the way the relationship is going. You’ve laid out what you want from a relationship, now you need to make sure the other person knows exactly what you need. In the first stages of a relationship, it’s easy to let things slide, but this can lead to problems later. Tell them what you want and need. [6] X Research source
- "I like going out for beers with you, but could we do some other activities instead this weekend?"
- "It seems like you always want to spend Sunday with your family. I’m okay with doing that some of the time, but I want to do other stuff too. Do you think you could go alone this weekend?"
- "I don’t like the fact that we've fallen into a pattern of just having sex and watching TV. Can we plan something else sometimes?"
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Break up with the person if you can’t agree on a shared vision of your relationship. [7] X Research source This might happen early, when you’re just getting to know each other, or later, once the relationship has settled down into a rhythm. As much as you might want a relationship to work, if you can’t come to an agreement on the parameters of your time together, it’s not going to work. Giving it time might seem like a good idea, but it usually just makes it harder to leave as time goes on.
- "I don’t think we want the same things and I don’t think we ever will. I think it’s best we stop seeing each other."
- "It’s been fun, but I need to move on. I want something different from you than you want from me."
- "I love you, but you don’t love me back, and it’s too painful to be in a relationship with you knowing that. I can’t see you any more."
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Allow yourself time to move on. As tempting as it may be to get right back out and find someone new, you’re emotionally vulnerable. Spend time with friends and family, reconnect with your interests, and reflect on what you learned from the relationship that just ended. Recharging yourself emotionally is essential before you try and find someone new. [8] X Research source
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Find out what works for you. Are you looking for romantic love, or someone with whom to have an entirely physical relationship? Your answers will probably change based on where you are in your life. Think about where and how to meet the kinds of people you want to date. Whether in person or online, you have an array of choices in finding your next relationship.
Join the Discussion...
I (23 M) have been dating this guy (24 M) for several months now and things have been going great. He’s really sweet and funny and kind and I definitely like him a lot, butttt I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is love love or just infatuation. Sometimes I think I love him and am ready to take our relationship to the next level, but other times I’m on the fence. Anyone have any advice? How do you know if you’re “really” in love with someone? What are the signs? Any advice would be appreciated!
Real love is very different from infatuation. With infatuation, you have a lot of feelings for someone else without actually knowing much about who they are. You typically feel a very excited yet unsteady and ungrounded feeling. You feel like your head is in the clouds and like this person can do no wrong. But in reality, you don’t really know much about them.
Infatuation usually involves a lot of fantasy and obsessing in your mind about someone else. You are more in love with the image in your head that you’ve made up about the person than the actual person. With infatuation, feelings can also change very quickly. You can feel madly in love with someone in one moment and then the second they don’t give you what you want, call you back in time, or return a text, you can turn to hate them very quickly.
In contrast, when you actually love someone, there is a steady building of positive feelings toward that person over time. You have seen all of the sides to them, you have seen them both at their best and in their lower or tired moments and you still choose them. Real love has an undercurrent of peace to it. You feel excited about the other person and happy when you see or speak to them but you don’t feel on a high that can come crashing down at any moment.
When it’s actual love, you’re not just looking for the other person to make you happy and satisfy your every whim—you also care about the other person and their happiness independent of the relationship. With infatuation, you want the other person to be happy only if it means they’re with you and doing what you want. With real love, you want the other person to be happy no matter what, even if it’s not with you.
Infatuation usually involves a lot of fantasy and obsessing in your mind about someone else. You are more in love with the image in your head that you’ve made up about the person than the actual person. With infatuation, feelings can also change very quickly. You can feel madly in love with someone in one moment and then the second they don’t give you what you want, call you back in time, or return a text, you can turn to hate them very quickly.
In contrast, when you actually love someone, there is a steady building of positive feelings toward that person over time. You have seen all of the sides to them, you have seen them both at their best and in their lower or tired moments and you still choose them. Real love has an undercurrent of peace to it. You feel excited about the other person and happy when you see or speak to them but you don’t feel on a high that can come crashing down at any moment.
When it’s actual love, you’re not just looking for the other person to make you happy and satisfy your every whim—you also care about the other person and their happiness independent of the relationship. With infatuation, you want the other person to be happy only if it means they’re with you and doing what you want. With real love, you want the other person to be happy no matter what, even if it’s not with you.
Love is both a feeling and an action. Of course, signs of being in love vary from person to person, but it starts with the way you feel around this person. Do you feel uplifted, and excited, and want to be around them more? Are you thinking of them often and excited about a future with them? Are you drawn to do nice things for them and want that person to be genuinely happy?
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow long does lust usually last?Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.Lust usually lasts 3-6 months. It’s short-term. You have to see if you still have the same feelings with time. If it’s just physical, it is probably lust, especially if you have nothing else in common and have different life goals.
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References
- ↑ http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/Difference-Between-Love-and-Lust.htm
- ↑ http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/Article_final_JRS_06.pdf
- ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a34762/things-to-do-as-a-couple-instead-of-binge-watching-netflix/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201502/6-ways-get-past-the-pain-unrequited-love
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/knowing-when-to-walk-away-from-unrequited-love/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/the-early-stages-falling-in-love
- ↑ http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sexual-health/sex-and-relationships/
- ↑ http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/01/13/376804930/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-but-science-can-help
About This Article
Article Summary
X
If you’re unsure whether it’s real love or just sex, watch to see if you have conversations that are deep and meaningful, or if you’re solely focusing on sex and your attraction to each other. Additionally, consider whether you have similar values and interests that could support a loving partnership. If you still don’t know the nature of your relationship, talk to the other person about what they’re getting out of it. For instance, say something like, “I know we haven’t defined things yet, but I want to know: is this purely physical or are you looking for something more?” While you may be having fun seeing this person, make sure you have a shared vision for the relationship before continuing so no one gets hurt. To learn how to break off a relationship that’s going nowhere, read more from our Relationship co-author.
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Reader Success Stories
- "I worried my girlfriend was just using me and didn't really care. But after reading about the differences between love and lust, I felt reassured she truly loves me. Realizing love goes deeper than physical attraction helped me see her feelings are genuine. Now, I can focus on our connection with new confidence. " ..." more
"I worried my girlfriend was just using me and didn't really care. But after reading about the differences between love and lust, I felt reassured she truly loves me. Realizing love goes deeper than physical attraction helped me see her feelings are genuine. Now, I can focus on our connection with new confidence.
"
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"My fiancé would snap during casual chats, and I didn't understand why. This article helped me realize different relationship goals can cause conflict. We had great physical chemistry but weren't connecting emotionally. Talking through needs openly, like the article suggested, really improved our dynamic."
..."
more
"As a newly engaged person in my first relationship, I worried my partner just wanted sex. This article clarified the key differences between love and lust. Now, I better understand my fiancée's needs and feel confident strengthening our bond. The guidance made me a more thoughtful, attentive partner."
..."
more
"This article really helped me with relationship struggles in my 2-year partnership. Learning to communicate openly about expectations prevented misunderstandings. Tips on deciding whether to continue an incompatible relationship guided me positively. Now, I have the tools to overcome challenges."
..."
more
"The part when you get together but always ends in sex. It happens to me all the time with this guy I'm dating. That's not all I want, not just sex. I want friendship, love, caring, and sex."
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