How to Understand Girls

Some girls hide their unhappy feelings, which can make meaningful communication more difficult. If a girl you know does this, here is how to pick up on clues to how she feels.

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   She may seem aloof if she is upset about something. She may talk less, be physically farther from you, or look elsewhere. She might seem disinterested, stressed, or sad.

   • Asking "What's wrong?" may work, but it could also result in an "I don't know" or an untruthful "Nothing." This is usually a sign that she's afraid of asserting herself. You can ask more specific questions (e.g. "Have I done something to upset you?") or you can say "I'm willing to listen if you'd like to talk about it."
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   She may pretend that things are fine when they aren't. Some women are very reluctant to express needs or wants, because they feel like they aren't supposed to. This, obviously, isn't healthy. She will act differently than normal, and probably break down or start talking if you gently ask if something is wrong once or twice. Many girls don't show when they are struggling, no matter how much they would like to be comforted or helped.
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   She may act like you don't care about her if she's mad at you. Girls might act cold and aloof when you have upset them. Conversations with you may be cut short, and she may seem hurt or frustrated. She might suddenly prefer the company of other people.

   • In this case, it's especially important to ask her what is wrong. After that conversation, give her a reminder of how much you love her (a big hug, kind words, giving ice cream, a romantic date, etc.).
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   She may become quiet if you say something that upsets her. Some girls don't feel comfortable with speaking up when they disagree, so instead she may withdraw. This is especially likely if you are saying something rude or insensitive, or are insulting something or someone she cares about.

   • Ask what is wrong before you assume it is your fault. For example, maybe you mentioned a person who was being a total jerk, and it reminded her of the guy who has been bullying her. Her sadness may not be your fault.
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   She may seek attention or affection if she feels insecure. If she's upset, lonely, hurt, or otherwise unhappy, she may seek attention from a person she trusts. This gives you an opportunity to comfort her. ^[2]

   • If it's a bad time, be upfront and reschedule or offer an alternative. Offering a different opportunity to connect shows her that your saying "no" to her is not a rejection of her, just a sign of bad timing.
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   Recognize that openness is a sign of trust. If she feels safe around you, she'll open up to you more, sharing her interests, opinions, ideas, and even secrets.
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   Recognize the signs of flirting. Girls tend to flirt when they want to deepen their relationship with you, or capture your attention. Keep an eye on her body language. Common signs she likes you include... ^[3]

   • Playing with her hair
   • Making excuses to touch you
   • Trying to get your attention
   • Facing you and leaning towards you
   • Smiling at you
   • Making prolonged eye contact, or looking at you a lot
   • Seeming pleased when you pay attention to her
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   Recognize the signs that she wants to kiss. Girls may not ask for a kiss directly, but instead hint at it and hope you'll catch on. She may act coy, or be awkward about it, or take a more assertive approach. A girl may signal that she wants to kiss by...

   • Getting her face close to yours
   • Smiling at you
   • Biting or licking her lip
   • Making eye contact (or trying to, but acting shy)
   • Touching your face
   • Looking excited when you start moving in for a kiss
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   Recognize that she may talk about the things she secretly wants. Since girls may be afraid to ask for what they want outright, they may talk about something they want in the hopes that you'll notice and do it for them.

   • If she gushes about a romantic gesture that her friend's boyfriend did, it may be that she'd love a similar romantic gesture from you.
   • For example, "Picnics are so romantic" might mean "I'd love to go on a picnic with you sometime, especially if you surprised me."
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   Keep in mind that extra niceness can be a sign of insecurity. Sometimes, when she goes the extra mile for you, it's because she fears losing you and she wants to please you. If she's nervously doing something nice for you, it might be worth asking her if she's worried about something, and reassuring her that you're not going anywhere.

   • Don't jump to conclusions, though: nice gestures don't always mean something is worrying her. They can also mean that she really likes you, or is in a very good mood, or thinks you make her happy and wants to make you happy too.
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   Ask what she's thinking if you can't figure it out. It's okay to ask for clarification, whether you do it casually or flirtatiously.

   • "Are you flirting with me?"
   • "Do I see you hinting for a kiss?"
   • "So what's on your mind?"
   • "You seem a little stressed. Is something wrong?"
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Every girl is an individual. By spending time with her and learning her unique personality and mannerisms, you can better understand her.

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   Get to know how she responds in different situations. Every girl is different, so don't expect her to always follow the patterns above. As you spend more time with her, you'll learn the unique way she responds to different situations.

   • Personality, experiences, cultural background, and disabilities such as autism can affect body language.
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   Take time to listen closely to her . Listening is more than hearing her words: don't distract yourself, ask questions to help you understand, and focus on what she is saying (not on what you are going to say).

   • Try validating her feelings to encourage her to work through her feelings. (It can also help her feel better if she's stressed.)
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   Notice her mannerisms and coping mechanisms when she's stressed. Everyone handles difficult situations differently. Maybe she takes a walk, boxes with a punching bag, talks to her older sister, or becomes incredibly sweet. When you know she's having a hard time, pay attention to what she does to cope. This can help you notice problems even when she is feigning a smile.

   • If you notice that a certain coping mechanism soothes her, keep it in mind so you can help. For example, perhaps you've noticed that your wife likes to play with the dog to calm down. When you see her stressed out at a family reunion, you could quietly mention that the dog might need a walk. This gives her an opportunity to go unwind if she wants.
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   Ask questions if you don't understand. You don't have to be able to read her mind. If you notice that something seems off, take her aside and ask if something is upsetting her. If you listen closely and let her take as much time as she needs to talk, she will probably reveal what is on her mind. ^[4]

   • Validate her feelings.
   • Being nonjudgmental is key. Seek to understand first, and then try to work together to fix the problem.
   • If you upset her, don't defend yourself. Take a deep breath, be strong, and listen. Apologize for hurting her. It is okay to explain your actions, but don't try to excuse them.
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   Find out what makes her "glow." When you bring up the subject, she will smile more and talk a lot, and she looks in her element when engaging with it. It could be anything from computer programming to punk rock.

   • If you are romantically interested in her, try learning a bit about the subject. Ask her to teach you something, or look it up independently.
   • See if her favorite topics overlap with things you like. This could be a great way to connect.
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