Vulnerability Hangover: Definition, Signs, and Advice

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Learn what to do when a vulnerability hangover hits
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Have you ever opened up to a friend and immediately regretted it? Or maybe you were honest about your feelings for someone and then felt anxiety or shame? If either of these questions resonate with you, you’ve probably experienced a vulnerability hangover. Author and research professor Brené Brown coined this phrase after experiencing it in her own life, and it refers to the uncomfortable feelings you may experience after opening up emotionally. [1] If you’re struggling after being vulnerable, you’re not alone. Keep reading for all the information you need on vulnerability hangovers, how to spot them, and how to cope.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • A “vulnerability hangover” is a term coined by researcher Brené Brown that refers to the negative feelings you might experience after being emotionally vulnerable.
  • Signs of a vulnerability hangover include feelings of regret, an increase in anxiety, or wanting to isolate yourself.
  • You can overcome a vulnerability hangover by shifting your perspective, being kind to yourself, and addressing your fears of being vulnerable.
  • You can prevent future vulnerability hangovers by developing healthy boundaries, choosing the right people to open up to, and seeing vulnerability as strength, rather than weakness.
Section 1 of 4:

Vulnerability Hangovers: An Overview

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    In her TED talk on “The Power of Vulnerability,” Brené Brown defines shame as the fear that there’s something about you that makes you unworthy of connection with people. [2] If you experience vulnerability hangovers, it might be because you’re afraid that people will leave or reject you if you reveal too much of yourself.
    • Remind yourself that vulnerability is a necessary part of connection with other people.
    • It’s normal to have tough feelings after opening up to someone, but you didn’t do anything wrong!
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    Vulnerability involves sharing your true self, even your imperfections and struggles, which is not an easy thing to do. Brown describes vulnerability as “emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty.” [3] Opening up means exposing yourself to the possibility of rejection, and that can be scary.
    • Remember, it’s completely natural to struggle with vulnerability, but opening up can be incredibly rewarding in the end.
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    Being vulnerable helps you build stronger connections with people. [4] If you’re dating or in a relationship, vulnerability also opens the door to greater intimacy with your partner, and it is the key to opening your heart romantically.
    • When you’re struggling with something, ask trusted friends for support. We all need a little help sometimes, and it’s completely normal to lean on your support system!
    • If you're starting to really like someone you're dating, let them know. If you're really connecting with a friend, tell them how happy you are that you met.
    • Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with the people you trust! It can be scary to be vulnerable, but it allows for deeper connections with the people around you.
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    In fact, Brown calls vulnerability the “birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” [5] This is because creating something new requires opening yourself up to the possibility of failure, but trying anyway. It requires vulnerability to take this leap into the unknown, but this risk makes success possible. [6]
    • If you have an idea for an innovative business venture or exciting new creative opportunity, run it by a trusted friend.
    • Sharing your ideas with the people around you will give you access to the support of your network, and they might have some valuable input for your new endeavor, too!
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs of a Vulnerability Hangover

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    After opening up, you might feel an intense urge to retreat. In her book, Daring Greatly , Brené Brown describes this feeling of wanting to “hide under the covers” after being emotionally vulnerable in her first TED talk. [7] If you feel like logging out of your social media, putting your phone on silent, and avoiding the world for a few days after having a vulnerable encounter, you might be experiencing a vulnerability hangover.
    • Take some time to rest and recover, but don’t hide yourself away too long.
    • It’s completely normal to need alone time after opening up emotionally, but it’s important to come back out of your shell after you’ve recovered.
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    One of the most common signs of a vulnerability hangover is wishing you could take everything you said back. You might wake up with feelings of shame, wishing you could turn back the clock to stop yourself from opening up. Shame comes from a fear of disconnection, so the regret you’re feeling likely comes from the fear that people will leave you if you’re vulnerable with them. [8]
    • Recite Positive Affirmations to remind yourself that you are worthy of connection.
    • Remember, vulnerability is the key to connecting with people, and the people you’re meant to have in your life won’t leave you just because you’re opening up.
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    Vulnerability can put our body into fight or flight mode, which can trigger anxiety. [9] You might be going over the situation over and over again in your head, wondering if your vulnerability made you look weak or foolish. [10] Or, you could be worrying that there will be a negative outcome, like losing a friendship or relationship. If you're stuck ruminating, a vulnerability hangover could be brewing.
    • Calm your anxiety with mindfulness exercises like meditation or journaling.
    • Show yourself some kindness by doing something you enjoy, like reading your favorite book or spending time in nature, to help calm your anxious feelings.
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    Opening up to someone can make you feel emotionally tired, but it can also make you feel physically spent. Being vulnerable can be stressful, and stress is known to cause symptoms like fatigue and insomnia. [11] If you’re feeling extra tired after an emotionally vulnerable moment, you might be nursing a vulnerability hangover.
    • Practice some self-care . Try spending the day relaxing at home, treating yourself to a hot bath, or booking a massage to rejuvenate.
    • Once you’ve gotten the rest you need, remember to get back out there and connect with people. Rest is important, but you don’t want to isolate yourself too long.
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Section 3 of 4:

How to Cope & Avoid Future Vulnerability Hangovers

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    Mindfulness involves focusing on what you’re feeling in the present moment while avoiding judging yourself. [12] When you're less self-critical, you’ll be more comfortable opening up to others, and you’ll be less likely to experience shame afterwards. If you’re having a vulnerability hangover, take this time to practice some mindfulness exercises to get out of your head.
    • Recite positive affirmations. Repeat phrases like “I am worthy” or “I deserve kindness” to combat any negative thoughts you’re having after being vulnerable.
    • Give meditation a try to calm and soothe any anxieties you might be feeling.
    • Try out journaling to give yourself a safe space to think about your emotions.
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    You might worry that vulnerability is a weakness, but it actually takes great strength to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means having the courage to be imperfect in front of other people. [13] It requires exposing yourself to possible rejection, but taking the leap anyway. [14] This is far from a show of weakness. In fact, Brené Brown calls it “our most accurate measurement of courage.” [15]
    • Read up on vulnerability to help change the way you view it. If you’re interested in checking out Brown’s Daring Greatly , you can find it here .
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    Self-compassion involves recognizing when you’re struggling and being kind to yourself in those moments, which can reduce anxious or depressed feelings. [16] Instead of judging yourself for being vulnerable or regretting that you opened up, be patient and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
    • Imagine your best friend being vulnerable with you. What kind words would you say to them? How would you comfort them?
    • Now direct these words of compassion toward yourself. [17] Remember, you deserve the same kindness you would show to others!
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    One way to build your emotional vulnerability is to work with a therapist . [18] A fear of opening up might come from having difficult past experiences with vulnerability. If you were vulnerable with someone and experienced rejection, that negative experience may have caused a fear of being emotionally open in the future. Working through these feelings with a professional can help you understand them and address them.
    • Ask a trusted friend or family member for a referral if they work with a therapist, or check out online directories. [19]
    • Take your time researching and contacting potential therapists before making your choice. It can take some time to find the right match!
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    Remember, vulnerability is necessary for connection, and it was brave of you to open up! If this person distanced themselves, they could be struggling with vulnerability issues of their own. Whatever their reasons, it doesn’t mean anything negative about you as a person. [20] Be patient and kind to yourself while you recover from this tough situation.
    • Let yourself feel sad. Rejection is painful, and it’s completely normal to feel hurt. Instead of suppressing these feelings, give yourself time to grieve. [21]
    • Spend time doing things you love to comfort yourself, like watching your favorite movie on a cozy night in, or treating yourself to a spa day.
    • Grab lunch with a friend, or spend time with family members. It’s common to feel alone after rejection, which is why it’s important to lean on your support system!
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    It’s best to be vulnerable with people we’ve built strong, trusting relationships with, rather than casual acquaintances or brand-new friends. Our trusted friends are more able to share our burdens and help us through hard times. [22] When you’re looking for someone to be vulnerable with in the future, choose someone who has a track record of trustworthiness and mutually respectful behavior.
    • Vulnerability is a positive force for connection, but it’s important to open up to the right people.
    • In Daring Greatly , Brown writes, “Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.” [23]
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    Though vulnerability does require opening up to people, it’s different from oversharing, and it requires mutual trust. [24] Sharing too much with strangers or casual acquaintances falls more into the category of oversharing, rather than emotional vulnerability. Form healthy boundaries to avoid being too open with strangers, so that you can focus your energy on developing vulnerability with the right people in your life.
    • People who don’t know you very well might not feel comfortable being vulnerable in return, which means the key piece of mutuality would be missing.
    • Healthy vulnerability means openness on both sides of the relationship.
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Section 4 of 4:

How to be Emotionally Vulnerable in Relationships

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    Open up your heart slowly in a romantic relationship, rather than all at once. Vulnerability doesn’t need to be a binary switch where you’re either all the way open or all the way closed. As you’re getting to know someone better, share the vulnerable parts of yourself gradually, becoming more and more open as you grow more comfortable. This will help you build a strong foundation with your partner.
    • Pick one vulnerable thing you want to share to get the ball rolling.
    • Open up about something tough you’ve been through, or tell them about something you love, like your favorite movie or song.
    • Don’t feel pressured to reveal everything at once. Opening up to your partner slowly and consistently will help you build a strong relationship over time!
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    Before becoming fully vulnerable, make sure your partner has shown you a good track record of mutually respectful behavior. This is important because opening up to the wrong person could leave you wounded, which might make it harder to open up when the right person comes along.
    • Think about the ways your partner has reacted when you’ve opened up about the smaller things. Are they affirming? Are they judgmental?
    • These reactions are good indicators for how they might act when you’re vulnerable about the big things.
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    Being on the same page as your partner can help you feel secure enough to open up. If you’re looking to build a long-term connection with someone, ask them if they feel the same way . If your partner wants to keep things casual or continue to date around, it might be best to protect your heart.
    • If you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.
    • Does your partner see marriage or children in their future? Are they looking for something long-term, or a more casual connection?
    • Once you’re on the same page, it will be easier to figure out how vulnerable to be with them.
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    If you’ve concluded that you and your partner have the same relationship goals, and if their actions have shown that they are committed and trustworthy, take that leap of faith and be vulnerable with them. To truly connect romantically, you need to be willing to open up, knowing that things might not work out. Vulnerability involves the chance of getting hurt, but it also makes it possible for you to grow and connect with your partner.
    • Tell them how you feel . If you’re sure about this person, don’t be afraid to say “I love you” first or ask them to be exclusive.
    • Being vulnerable involves risk, but it can be incredibly rewarding in the end!
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      References

      1. ↑ https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0?t=20
      2. ↑ https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?t=281
      3. ↑ https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0?t=283
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-well-when-your-body-doesnt-cooperate/202305/embracing-vulnerability
      5. ↑ https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0?t=358
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201902/emotional-vulnerability-the-path-connection
      7. ↑ https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/310307/daring-greatly-by-brene-brown/9781592408412/excerpt
      8. ↑ https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?t=281
      9. ↑ https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/anxiety-a-normal-response-to-feeling-vulnerable
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-influence/202110/the-benefits-letting-yourself-be-vulnerable
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987
      3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
      4. ↑ https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?t=531
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-well-when-your-body-doesnt-cooperate/202305/embracing-vulnerability
      6. ↑ https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0?t=301
      7. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
      8. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-good-kind-of-vulnerability
      10. ↑ https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/finding-good-therapist
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201107/dealing-with-rejection-handling-others-rejecting-behavior
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202106/4-strategies-cope-rejection
      13. ↑ https://www.oprah.com/spirit/brene-brown-interviewed-by-oprah-daring-greatly
      14. ↑ https://www.oprah.com/spirit/brene-brown-interviewed-by-oprah-daring-greatly/8
      15. ↑ https://www.oprah.com/spirit/brene-brown-interviewed-by-oprah-daring-greatly/8

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