How Covert Narcissists Act & Behave (According to Experts)

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Learn what they say and do to manipulate others
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Does something about your friend, partner, or family member feel off? Are you constantly questioning yourself when you’re around them? You’ve heard the term "narcissist" before, but they can’t possibly be narcissistic when they’re so shy and introverted...right? Actually, covert narcissists have the same traits as overt narcissists, only watered down. Check out our list of weird things covert narcissists do to get their way (and get tips on how to deal with them). But keep in mind that just because someone has narcissistic traits, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose NPD. [1]

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Casey Lee, founder of Rooted Hearts Counseling LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Narcissism is an umbrella term, and covert narcissists tend to be subtle in their actions, be more introverted, and have a superiority complex.
  • A covert narcissist may make themselves appear grander, more powerful, and more confident to mask their insecurities.
  • Looking good on the outside is often a covert narcissist’s main priority, even if they are passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive behind closed doors.
1

They might act passive-aggressive.

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    People who display covert narcissistic behavior may be subtly passive-aggressive to get what they want. They may give someone the silent treatment, make backhanded compliments, or subtly shift blame to make themselves look good. [2]
    • For instance, they may make elusive compliments about your weight, appearance, or eating habits.
    • Deal with passive-aggressive behavior by remaining calm and factual. Reacting can help a covert narcissist gain power over you.
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2

They may deliberately forget what you say.

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    Covert narcissistic tendencies might cause someone to conveniently “forget” something you tell them or something you ask them to do if it doesn’t align with their motives.
    • Be assertive when you respond to their forgetfulness. Remember, what you want and need is important, too.
3

They might not take responsibility.

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    No matter what they do, someone with covert narcissistic tendencies may struggle to take responsibility for their actions. If they’re resistant to criticism, they may subtly manipulate and gaslight you to feel better about themselves.
    • If you feel like you’re always taking the blame for them, try taking a step back and looking at it from a new perspective. First, acknowledge if you have done anything wrong. Then, consider why they may be acting this way.
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4

They might lie or give fake apologies.

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    The lies they tell may not be elaborate—they could be as simple as saying they’ve done the dishes when they haven’t. They may twist the truth to match their agenda, then respond with an insincere apology if caught.
    • Call them out on their lie by saying, “I know what I saw” or “You always have to be right about everything.” [3]
    • When dealing with a narcissistic person , especially if you live with them, it’s important to have a support system. Reach out to friends, family, or a counselor you trust to talk things through and gain new perspectives.
5

They may be obsessed with their reputation.

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    They may feel they have to be perfect with a pristine reputation. This might look like donating to a charity or cause, knowing their name will be read off publicly. [4]
    • Try not to acknowledge their dutiful acts if you know they’re done with the wrong intentions. Instead, appear almost bored by them, so the narcissist has nothing to feed off of. [5]
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6

They tend to put themselves first.

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    Narcissism can make it hard to feel empathy. Because of this, people with narcissistic tendencies often think of themselves first rather than their friends, partner, or family.
    • This behavior can be physical or mental. Perhaps they always walk ahead of you or bring up something upsetting before a big event.
    • Sometimes, the best way to deal with this behavior is to distance yourself. This isn’t always an option, but even the smallest bit of space can help you regather your thoughts and pave the way toward a meaningful conversation.
7

They may have a big ego.

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    Because of this, they might have a rather large ego and believe they’re somewhat better than everyone else. They may belittle your opinion or take control in almost every situation because they feel like they’re the best.
    • It may be hard, but prioritize yourself. If someone’s behavior is making you feel small, maybe it’s time to take a step back or move on from the relationship. [6]
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8

They’re self-deprecating.

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    Narcissism is usually a mask for insecurity, so narcissistic people are often on a constant hunt for validation and attention. [7] People with covert narcissistic tendencies may even purposefully play down their skills or achievements to receive praise and reassurance.
    • Look out for phrases like, “I’m a bad person” or “My life is meaningless.”
    • Try your best not to play into this “woe is me” act. If you don’t take their bait, they’ll eventually stop fishing.
    • Respond with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” to reset the situation.
9

They can’t take criticism.

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    They may be resistant even to kindly-delivered criticism. [8] If you offer any advice or criticism on their appearance, behavior, or hobbies, they may lash out or suddenly become distant.
    • Criticism damages their idealized image of themselves, so they may be likely to dismiss any negative comments.
    • People with covert narcissistic tendencies may not have a go-getter attitude and may be more likely to blame others for their lack of success.
    • Ask yourself if continuing to critique and confront them is worth it. If they’re willing to listen and change, amazing! If they’re not, maybe you should stop trying to help.
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10

They may wear many masks.

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    You may notice that their personality changes depending on who they’re around. This is their way of masking their insecurities, but it can make you question who the real “them” is. [9]
    • Set boundaries with someone who displays covert narcissism to stop their tactics and hold them accountable. [10] This could be as simple as not reaching out to you after a certain time or avoiding a specific topic in conversation.
11

They might shower you with affection.

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    They may leave notes for you in the bathroom or send you sweet texts throughout the day. It seems innocent enough, but it could be their way of buttering you up. This way, when a red flag pops up, it’ll be easier to dismiss, because how could someone as doting as them be toxic?
    • Keep in mind that people with covert narcissistic tendencies may give you gifts or favors in order to manipulate you in the future.
    • Be cautious if you notice this love-bombing behavior, and gently express why the behavior worries you.
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12

They may be extra competitive.

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    They might always want to come off as the best, even if it means looking arrogant or cocky. They may especially try to show off in public, where more people can see them.
    • They might be “sore losers” because of this, and you may find it difficult to play any type of friendly game with them.
    • Reassure them that they don’t need to win or show off to prove themselves to you. We all have insecurities, but they don’t have to control us. [11]
13

They may be hypocritical and arrogant.

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    It can be difficult for people with covert narcissistic habits to empathize with others, and their insecurities and anxieties may cause them to be wishy-washy with their beliefs. They might preach one idea and then go against it the next day because they “know better.” [12]
    • They may crave validation and might therefore dismiss the opinions and knowledge of others.
    • We know this behavior can be beyond frustrating, but try not to acknowledge it. The more attention you give them, the more likely they are to continue manipulating.
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14

They may play the victim.

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    People who display narcissistic traits may be resistant to seeing themselves as wrong or to blame—even if they are. They may gaslight you into thinking you’re at fault, despite knowing deep down that you’re not. [13]
    • This is a defense mechanism against their own faults and wrongdoings. They’re insecure, and putting others down can help them feel better.
    • Make sure they don’t silence you—your voice deserves to be heard, and your experiences are valid. [14]
15

They may micromanage.

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    They may like things to be done in a particular order or way. Even if they ask you to do something by yourself, you may notice them hovering over you.
    • Try defusing the situation by saying something like, "How about we try it a different way this time?" or "Things can be done differently and still be great. Let me show you."
    • If a person with covert narcissistic tendencies does something rude or unkind, gently point it out to them. They may not realize what they’re doing is hurting you—there’s always room for a covert narcissist to change, as long as they’re willing to do the work. [15]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202304/understanding-covert-narcissism
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/202002/how-humiliate-absolute-narcissist
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/202112/how-handle-covert-narcissist-during-family-gatherings
      6. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      9. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202304/understanding-covert-narcissism
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/guide-better-relationships/202004/narcissism-entitlement-hypocrisy-and-flattening-the-curve
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/guide-better-relationships/202004/narcissism-entitlement-hypocrisy-and-flattening-the-curve
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
      6. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/covert-narcissism.html
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/

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