What Causes Defensive Behavior? 11+ Reasons Why People Get Defensive

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Nearly everyone gets defensive sometimes. People have an instinctual need to defend themselves, and that can come out in even the most unexpected times. If you struggle with defensiveness, you might have realized that it can sometimes put a strain on your relationships with your family, friends, and coworkers. This article is here to help you understand the root cause of your defensiveness so that you can make changes going forward. [1]

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

1

Feeling criticized or attacked

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  1. You might feel unfairly put on the spot and embarrassed, or you might disagree with the person's feedback. [2] If you're especially sensitive, you might even interpret a neutral statement as criticism. [3]
    • For example, if you get some negative feedback from your supervisor, your first reaction might be to dismiss them or tell them why they're wrong.
    • To avoid getting defensive in situations like that, listen to what the person is saying before coming up with a response. After they're done speaking, take a moment to pause and reflect. [4]
    • If you're not sure what to say in response, you might try, "I hear you" or "Thank you for that feedback." Even if you're not sure how you feel, responding like this in the moment defuses the situation and helps you avoid seeming defensive.
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2

Insecurity

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  1. If you're already feeling vulnerable and down on yourself, you might be extra sensitive to perceived threats and criticism (even when they're not really there). [5] You might be using defensiveness as a way to protect yourself from being hurt or judged. [6]
    • Perhaps you were bullied a lot growing up. As an adult, you might use defensiveness as a coping mechanism to feel more powerful.
    • To counteract this, try building up your view of yourself so that you don't take others' comments so personally. [7] You might try repeating words of affirmation anytime you're feeling low, like, "I am strong and confident" and "I love myself."
3

Anxiety

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  1. Alternatively, you might get defensive if you struggle with being assertive in a social situation. That might look like dismissing other people's comments, interpreting other people's words in a negative way, or always being on the lookout for threats to your relationships. [8]
    • Overcoming social anxiety is totally possible. In moments that make you especially nervous, try taking deep breaths and replacing any negative thoughts you might have with positive thoughts.
    • For example, if you're at a party and people are laughing about something, avoid automatically assuming that people are laughing at you. Instead, think, "They're probably laughing about an inside joke."
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4

A learned behavior from someone else

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  1. Growing up, maybe your parents were pretty defensive. This may have taught you that you also always need to have your guard up and look for perceived threats. [9] In reality, your parents or the people around you may have been struggling with their own feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or other underlying causes.
    • Thankfully, you can also unlearn defensiveness. Anytime you start feeling defensive, take a moment to breathe and reflect on what just happened. [10]
    • Ask yourself if the person really criticized you or if you might be reading into what they said from a negative perspective. [11]
5

A reaction to black and white thinking

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  1. It makes you feel like you've been put in a box or unfairly judged, and as a result, your defense mechanisms may go into overdrive. This is completely understandable, but try to respond respectfully to avoid making the situation tenser. [12]
    • Let's say your sister just said that you never remember to do the dishes, but you just did the dishes 2 days ago. Before lashing out, take a moment to consider her words and formulate a considerate response.
    • You might say, "I'm sorry that you're frustrated with me. I did the dishes a few days ago, but I could definitely improve. I'll make sure to help out with the dishes more often."
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6

Feeling manipulated

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  1. That might look like being more guarded around certain people or feeling like you can't trust what they say. If a person has displayed signs that they aren't trustworthy, then you have every right to feel this way. Try setting boundaries and communicating them with these people. It will help you avoid falling into passive-aggressive defense mechanisms while also protecting yourself. [13]
    • Maybe you've noticed a friend of yours frequently borrows money from you and never pays you back. Instead of lashing out or being passive-aggressive (i.e. rolling your eyes but letting her borrow the money), set a boundary.
    • Try, "I'd love to help, but I'd feel more comfortable loaning you money if you paid me back the money you owe me first. I hope you understand where I'm coming from."
7

Guilt

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  1. Everyone makes mistakes. It's possible that you made a mistake that you feel bad about and now react defensively when a friend mentions it or another situation like it. [14] Though this is understandable, try working through your real feelings about what happened so that you can apologize, forgive yourself, and make positive changes going forward.
    • Maybe you accidentally bumped another car's bumper last time you parallel parked. If a friend says something like, "I can drive," you might immediately jump to thinking that it's because she thinks you're a bad driver.
    • To avoid this reaction, reflect on what happened and make a change going forward. Practice parking in your neighborhood, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and forgive yourself.
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8

Difficulty taking accountability

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  1. It's tough to admit your shortcomings, but remember that everyone has them. If you messed up, you might be tempted to blame the situation on someone else or justify your actions. [15] This behavior can alienate you from other people, though, because part of forging strong relationships is owning up to your actions, apologizing, and learning from your mistakes. [16]
    • Let's say that you forgot to include an important detail in a work assignment. When your boss confronts you about it, you might be tempted to say something like, "Well, Lisa didn't tell me I was supposed to do that!"
    • To take accountability, pause for a moment before responding and remind yourself that it's much better to just admit the mistake. Say something like, "You're totally right. I'll go back and include that detail in the next draft."
9

Covering up a lie

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  1. You might appear more guarded when the situation comes up or even get moody or dismissive when something reminds you of what you're hiding. [17] Regardless of what it is, honesty is always the best policy. Counteract your defensiveness by reflecting on why you might be lying and making a commitment to being a little more truthful. [18]
    • Maybe you told your partner that you went out for lunch, but neglected to say that you got lunch with an ex. If your partner asks about it, you might say something like, "Why do you care?" or "I don't see why it matters."
    • Instead of lying, try being honest. Say something like, "I met up with my ex-boyfriend Timothy. We've always remained friends, but I was nervous to tell you because I wasn't sure how you would feel about it."
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10

Abuse in childhood

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  1. Being repeatedly criticized or belittled by a parent or guardian growing up can have lasting effects. You might end up feeling like you always need to defend yourself against potential attacks, even when you're safe now. [19]
    • If you experienced abuse or mistreatment growing up, you might consider working with a mental health professional to reflect on your experiences and learn some coping strategies.
    • To find a mental health professional in your area, get a referral from your doctor or look online.
11

Mental health struggles

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  1. Disorders like Paranoid Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder may cause people to feel like they are constantly under threat of attack or mistreatment. They might also feel so insecure that they have to keep their guard up in social situations. Narcissistic Personality Disorder might also trigger defensiveness, as people with this disorder often struggle to admit their shortcomings. [20]
    • Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder include feeling like you can't trust anyone, fear of opening up to other people, holding grudges, and interpreting neutral statements as attacks.
    • Some common attributes of Avoidant Personality Disorder include low self-esteem, constant fear of judgment or mistreatment, and avoidance of social interactions in an effort to protect oneself.
    • A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder might experience feelings of superiority, an inability to admit any wrongdoings, and extremely low self-esteem upon making a mistake. [21]
    • If you think you may struggle with a personality disorder like this, talk to a mental health professional. They can give you the tools you need to cope and succeed without getting defensive.
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  • Question
    What are examples of defensive behavior?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples; while treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. As a prolific author, Dr. Brown has published four books; contributed to multiple other books; published 500+ articles in professional and popular magazines, journals, and peer-reviewed publications; and has recently published a number of creative and literary works. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. He has also received a Master of Liberal Arts from Harvard University. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    People communicate their defensiveness in a variety of ways, including: aggression, blaming, bringing up another's own past deeds or personal conduct, gaslighting, hostility, oppositional behaviors, righteous indignation, and quiet or muted communication.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/why-we-get-defensive-and-how-to-try-a-different-approach/11295736
      2. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/16036/reasons-why-people-get-defensive/
      4. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/why-we-get-defensive-and-how-to-try-a-different-approach/11295736
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      6. ↑ https://nickwignall.com/defensiveness/
      7. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      8. ↑ https://nickwignall.com/defensiveness/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/
      1. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/why-we-get-defensive-and-how-to-try-a-different-approach/11295736
      3. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/16036/reasons-why-people-get-defensive/
      4. ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/16036/reasons-why-people-get-defensive/
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      6. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      7. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/
      8. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      9. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/
      10. ↑ https://nickwignall.com/defensiveness/
      11. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463
      12. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder

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