11 Reasons for a Lack of Trust in a Relationship

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As you grow closer in your relationship with someone, trust helps you build a strong foundation together. When you or your partner has an issue trusting the other person, it could hold you back from your full potential as a couple. While every couple is different, there are a few common reasons why you’re experiencing a lack of trust. We’ll cover the potential causes that might lead to broken trust so you’re able to recognize and work through the issues with your partner.

1

Childhood neglect or trauma

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  1. You learn how to act and treat other people based on how you were raised. When the person who raised you doesn’t provide for you or help you navigate through life, you may have a hard time opening up or trusting other people in intimate relationships since you weren’t shown the proper care. [1]
    • Try taking small risks every day to help you make decisions and trust yourself.
    • If you’re too trusting of people too quickly, setting boundaries with other people and saying no can help you feel more fulfilled.
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2

Attachment anxiety

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  1. If you have attachment anxiety, you have a negative view of yourself but see others in a positive light. You might worry that you can’t rely on other people because you’re afraid of getting rejected. You may also misread your partner’s cues as threatening or catastrophic when they’re ambiguous. [2]
    • When your anxious thoughts take over, practice dismissing them by saying something like, “What I did wasn’t that bad,” or “I’ve apologized and I can’t do anything else.” Then, distract yourself with a fun activity or hobby to take your mind off the subject. [3]
    • Talk to a therapist if you can to help overcome your anxious thoughts. [4]
3

Fear of losing control

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  1. When you’re used to doing everything on your own, it can be a challenge transitioning into a balanced relationship. If you don’t want to give up control, then you won’t trust your partner to do things for you. It may also lead to issues where your partner starts becoming more resistant as as you try controlling them more. [5]
    • Remind yourself that you can’t force things to go absolutely perfect even if you have full control. Be willing to accept failure as an experience you can learn from.
    • Take baby steps towards giving up if you recognize it in your relationship. You might start by trusting your partner doing small, household tasks without stepping in. As you get more comfortable, you can loosen the reins on larger tasks. [6]
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4

Fear of vulnerability

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  1. You might be afraid of being vulnerable if you’re a little hesitant opening up about yourself or talking about your emotions. It could also be a sign if you don’t like taking risks or doing anything that you think is dangerous. [7]
    • It’s really important to trust your partner with your feelings so you can have honest conversations about issues when they come up. [8]
    • Practice being vulnerable with your partner so you feel more comfortable in the future. Say the things you want, don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings, and ask for the things you need to be happy. [9]
5

Lack of reliability

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  1. When someone says they’re going to do something and they don’t get around to it, it might make you question if you can depend on them. [10] If you feel like you need to do things on your own to make sure they’re done correctly, it’s a good sign that you aren’t relying on other people. [11]
    • If someone has had unreliable relationships in the past, they may have trouble trusting new people they meet.
    • Communicate what you need and expect from your partner when you ask them to do something for you. As long as you clearly explain yourself and let them know how you feel, they can work on addressing the issue.
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6

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  1. If you have been betrayed or rejected in a previous relationship or friendship, it makes you fearful about building trust in the future. You may be trying to guard yourself against other people pushing you out of their lives or putting all of your trust into your partner. You’ll usually have more intense trust issues if you faced severe falling out, especially if you had a close relationship. [12]
    • You may take rejection more personally than you should, so reflect on what happened and how you reacted. For example, if you were rejected in a job interview, it wasn’t personally in spite of you. It’s just because they found a candidate that fits their needs better. [13]
    • Form a strong bond with the people that do care about you and accept you. If your partner is loving and genuinely cares about you, nurture that relationship so you don’t deal with the same rejection again.
7

Unrealistic expectations

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  1. You may set higher expectations based on how you grew up and past relationships, but they can sometimes be impossible for your partner to reach. You may not even communicate your expectations, but assuming your partner knows sets them up to fail. When you or your partner don’t reach the expectations set by the other, it could affect how comfortable you feel in the relationship. [14]
    • Tell your partner what you expect from them directly so they have a better understanding of what you need from the relationship.
    • Imagine what you would say to a close friend or family member if they had the same ideals. You usually are more reasonable and realistic when you’re talking to other people, so take whatever advice you would say to heart. [15]
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    It's not a good idea to have unrealistic expectations in a relationship. Nobody's perfect, but with time and effort, you can build a foundation of trust and respect that leads to a lasting connection.

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8

Romantic jealousy

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  1. Worrying that your partner is only sticking around until the next best thing comes around can play tricks in your head. You might have physical jealousy, like if you wish your partner didn’t spend time with other people, or behavioral jealousy, like if you snoop through your partner’s belongings for evidence. This type of jealousy stems from previous relationships you’ve had or insecurity about your relationship as a whole. [16]
    • Take a moment to recognize what actions trigger your jealousy the most and how they make you feel. Rather than putting the blame on your partner, practice some positive self-talk to help yourself feel more secure. [17]
    • If your partner’s actions still bother you, sit down and talk about why you’re worked up. Listen to what they say to help quell your fears.
9

Your partner’s past relationships

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  1. If you know that your partner has been with multiple people and they’ve all ended badly, you might be a little more cautious opening up and trusting them. Even if your partner has changed, you may still feel a little mistrust in the back of your head that could grow into a more serious concern as you get closer in the relationship. [18]
    • Instead of looking back on the past, try to focus on the present and future that your relationship has to make it stronger. [19]
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10

Infidelity

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  1. When you or your partner is unfaithful, it adds strain and makes the other person question the entire relationship. It may make you feel worse if they were previously in relationships that ended in infidelity too. While cheating is something that you can work through, it’ll take open communication, time, and honesty to rebuild your relationship. [20]
    • When you learn that your partner had an affair, take the time you need to heal before making any rash decisions.
    • If you were unfaithful, admit if you’ve done anything wrong and end the affair immediately so you can restore some trust. [21]
11

Previous abuse in a relationship

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  1. Even if your current relationship is going well, abusive relationships in the past may influence how you act now. A relationship could be abusive if your partner resorts to violence, verbally threatens or pokes constant fun at you, or makes you feel unsafe at any time. Abuse is a traumatic experience, so it changes how you view other people and may make romantic relationships more challenging. [22]
    • If you were in an abusive relationship, stop blaming yourself for anything that happened and question what you think a “normal” relationship should be. Ask a therapist for professional help if you have trouble overcoming abuse on your own.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/09/trust-issues#1
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201909/overcome-anxious-attachment-becoming-dismissing
      4. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/spot-the-fine-line-between-trust-and-control#1
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201105/the-fear-losing-control
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4228379/
      8. ↑ Ashley Smith, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
      9. ↑ ​​ https://www.psychalive.org/embracing-vulnerability-strengthens-connections/
      1. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
      2. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/trust_is_one_of_the_most_important_aspects_of_relationships
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4734881/
      4. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201704/when-trauma-affects-your-trust-in-your-relationship
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-relinquish-unrealistic-expectations#5
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-deal-with-jealousy/
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-relationship-red-flags-what-you-should-know#The-Red-Flags :
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201804/getting-past-the-past-jealousy
      11. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      12. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
      13. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
      14. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.

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