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Learn how to handle manipulative people with this expert guide
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This article was co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Janice Tieperman
. Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
There are 22 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 14,200 times.
Dealing with manipulative individuals is both exhausting and hurtful. Tactics like gaslighting can make you question your sense of reality, while other manipulative tricks can leave you feeling guilty and anxious. [1] X Research source In many ways, ignoring a manipulative partner, friend, or loved one can seem like the best way to escape their grasp—but this can also send the manipulator into overdrive. We’ll walk you through everything you need to expect and know, including what manipulators do after being ignored, and how you can deal with this individual once and for all.
Things You Should Know
- An ignored manipulator may respond with aggressive behavior, like launching a smear campaign against you or calling and texting you frequently.
- Alternatively, an ignored manipulator might try to get your friends or family involved in the conflict or guilt-trip you into contacting them.
- Cut ties with a manipulator by stating your intentions directly with a quick explanation.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
What Manipulators Do After Being Ignored
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1They might spread nasty rumors about you. Better known as “ smear campaigns ,” a manipulator might try spreading nasty rumors and lies about you in an attempt to hurt your reputation. In some cases, manipulators do this as a means of controlling the narrative, or to paint themselves in a more positive light. [2] X Research source
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2They try to guilt-trip you into reaching out. Guilt-tripping is a manipulation tactic that attempts to make someone intentionally feel guilty about something. [3] X Research source If you refuse to play into their manipulative tactics, they might:
- Give you the silent treatment in hopes that you get in contact with them again
- Make comments like “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or sarcastic barbs like “Wow, this is really mature of you.”
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3They could text and/or call you incessantly. Manipulators sometimes send a huge amount of text messages in order to grate on your nerves. In some cases, they might send dozens or even 100+ messages as a way to get your attention. [4] X Research source
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4They might try to get in touch with you by any means necessary. An ignored manipulator might stoop to unconventional avenues in an attempt to get your attention, like interacting with an old social media post of yours.
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5They could get other people involved in your private conflicts. Some manipulators try to bring people from your social circle (like a close relative or friend) into the conflict as a way of getting the upper hand. [5] X Research source For example, a manipulator might cozy up to your parents or siblings in hopes that it’ll force you to make contact with them.
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6They may pretend that nothing has happened. The manipulator might give you some space first and acknowledge that your relationship is over, only to get in touch further down the line. In this message, they won’t acknowledge any of the issues that affected you both in the past—rather, they’ll act like everything is fine.
- “Hey, it’s been a while! Want to get some drinks tonight?”
- “What’s up? I’d love to hang out sometime.”
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7They might manufacture a crisis to get in touch with you. Manipulators might create a scenario where they’re acting suicidal, or manufacture some other emergency to get you back into their orbit. In their eyes, this tactic helps them regain control over you—plus, it allows them to be showered in attention. [6] X Research source
- They might make up a story about how a parent is gravely ill, or how they were just in a serious car accident.
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8They could physically or verbally attack you. When ignored, some manipulators might go to extremes as a means of getting back at you (namely, through abuse). Physical abuse involves any action that creates physical harm (like slapping, choking, and kicking). [7] X Trustworthy Source US Office on Women's Health U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health Go to source Meanwhile, emotional and verbal abuse can involve financial control, public humiliation, threats of self-harm, and more. [8] X Trustworthy Source US Office on Women's Health U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health Go to source
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9They might move on from you. A common goal of many manipulators is to gain control over their victims so they themselves don’t lose control. [9] X Research source When you’re no longer playing into their manipulative tactics, though, they might break away permanently and look for easier prey to pick on.
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Section 2 of 4:
How to Deal with a Manipulator
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1Set clear boundaries with the manipulator. Let them know what type of language and behavior is and isn’t acceptable to you—and make it clear when they cross the lines you establish. The earlier you set these boundaries , the easier it will be to enforce them further down the line. [10] X Research source
- “I’m happy to discuss these matters with you, but I won’t tolerate any guilt-tripping. If you continue to speak to me in this way, I’ll end the conversation.”
- “I feel hurt and annoyed when you make passive-aggressive comments about me. I refuse to engage in a conversation unless you share your feelings directly.”
- “It makes me uncomfortable when you bring our friends and family members into personal conflicts. Please speak to me directly if you have an issue with me.”
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2Control the conversation by staying on-topic. A manipulator might try to veer away from the main conversation and transition to a topic that they can manipulate and have more control over (or simply distract you from whatever the main topic is). Whenever this happens, clearly steer your conversation back onto the track to what you were originally discussing. [11] X Research source
- “Please don’t change the subject.”
- “We can talk about that later, but for now, I’d like to discuss what you said yesterday.”
- “We haven’t finished discussing what we were originally talking about.”
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3Respond to the manipulator using empathy. Empathy is all about being in tune with your emotions—and, most importantly, channeling these emotions effectively in your conversations. While you definitely don’t have to tell your manipulator that you agree with them, you can try to empathize with how they’re feeling. [12] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- Try practicing active listening skills , like giving the person time to share their thoughts and making eye contact throughout the conversation.
- You might say something like “While I don’t fully agree with what you’re saying, I do understand where you’re coming from—that sounds really frustrating.”
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4Stay as calm as possible when you interact with them. More than anything, a manipulator wants to throw you off balance and make you feel negatively. Take this power away from them by keeping a calm and clear head whenever you interact with them. [13] X Research source Try relaxation techniques like:
- Visualization: Envision yourself in a calm and soothing place where it’s easy to relax, like in the middle of a peaceful park. Incorporate as many different senses into your visualization as you can. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Deep breathing : Inhale through your nose while exhaling through your mouth for several minutes. [15] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
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5Vent to your friends about the situation. Let a trusted friend or loved one know what’s going on—explain how the manipulator acts around you as well as what they say. Your support system might have some useful advice or life experience that can help you tackle and surpass this frustrating challenge. [16] X Research source
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6Take an inventory of your feelings when spending time with a manipulator. Manipulative individuals feel most in control when they make you feel guilty, doubtful, or even afraid. How does spending time with this individual make you feel? If you’re frequently filled with negative emotions, it might be time to meditate on why that is the case. [17] X Research source
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7Put the manipulator’s behavior in perspective. As discouraging as a manipulator’s actions can be, it’s important to remember that a manipulator’s behavior says everything about them and nothing about you. Chances are, they’re just using you to fulfill their own needs (like a need for power or control). [18] X Research source
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8Cut ties with them by explaining the “why.” Whenever you decide to end things , keep the conversation short and non-negotiable. Let them know exactly how you’re feeling, and make it clear that the relationship is done. Don’t give the manipulator time to protest your decision—just say your piece and end the conversation. [19] X Research source
- “I can’t handle how controlling and obsessive you are over everything I do. I’m breaking up with you.”
- “I feel really bad about myself whenever I spend time with you, and I think it’s time we go our separate ways.”
- “We may be family, but you always treat me with such scorn and disdain. I don’t want to spend time with you anymore.”
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9Create a safety plan for yourself if the manipulator threatens you. Your safety and well-being always come first, especially if the manipulative individual in your life is actively threatening you or making you feel unsafe in any way. Come up with a plan that gets you a safe distance away from the individual , and let a trusted friend or loved one know what’s happening. [20] X Research source
- If you’re living with a manipulative person, you could stay with a friend indefinitely until you’re able to safely exit the relationship.
- If you’re escaping from an abusive relationship , you’re not alone. There are plenty of resources at your disposal, including HelpGuide , WomensHealth , KidsHealth , National Domestic Abuse Hotline , and Love Is Respect .
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Section 3 of 4:
What makes someone manipulative?
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1They want to feel powerful and in control. At its core, manipulation is all about being a powerful and controlling force in any given situation—manipulators want to pull the strings and watch everything unfold according to their will. They’ll reach this goal by any means necessary, even if this means interfering with another person’s thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. [21] X Research source
- Manipulators don’t like being in situations they aren’t in total control of, and prefer predictable scenarios that they can use to their advantage. For instance, a person might pretend to be sick to manipulate their partner into staying home rather than going out to a club (that’s filled with lots of different people and variables that can’t be predicted or controlled).
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2They’re trying to compensate for their own shortcomings. Manipulators often don’t feel great about themselves or may have originally leaned on manipulative tactics as a means of staying afloat in different social situations (like their familial environment growing up). [22] X Research source
- People aren’t always manipulative on purpose—these patterns may have started because of a person’s family system with these “old” rules now being adapted to a new relationship.
- Manipulative individuals need to learn that the shadow side of themselves is attempting this behavior and that they’re responsible for figuring out whatever needs these manipulative habits are trying to meet.
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3Certain mental illnesses can lead to manipulative tendencies. Conditions like Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) , Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) , Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) , and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often motivate individuals to act in manipulative ways. For instance, individuals with BPD may take drastic, manipulative measures to prevent what they perceive as abandonment from occurring. [23] X Research source
- Certain attachment styles lend themselves to manipulative behavior, too. For instance, someone with an insecure attachment style might end things with their partner just to gauge how committed they are to the relationship.
- If you suspect that your partner, friend, or relative could be suffering from a specific mental illness, encourage them to visit a mental health professional .
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Section 4 of 4:
Key Takeaways
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1Always put your mental and emotional well-being first. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic courtesy and respect. If a person repeatedly crosses your boundaries and manipulates you, you’re well within your right to stand up for yourself . Even if it’s tough at first, you deserve to surround yourself with people who treat you kindly and respectfully. Here are a few affirmations that may help you feel more empowered:
- I deserve to be treated respectfully.
- I am entitled to my spare time.
- I am allowed to agree to and refuse whatever I like.
- I am allowed to disagree with other people. [24] X Research source
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2You’re only in control of yourself and your life. At the end of the day, we have no control or sway over what happens in other people’s lives—only our own. [25] X Research source While you can’t control how a manipulator acts, you can control the power they have over your life. Setting boundaries or even cutting ties with this toxic individual could be an effective way to regain some control.
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3A manipulator will eventually leave you alone when you bore them. A variety of factors can cause someone to manipulate, including past family history, certain mental illnesses, and/or a need to be in control. [26] X Research source Chances are, a manipulator won’t bother sticking around someone who can’t be swayed or influenced by their manipulations, and will eventually move on.
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- Dealing with a manipulative person in your life can be challenging, even after they’ve left your orbit. Meeting with a therapist can be a great way to unpack your experiences as you begin to learn and heal from them.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about manipulative relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Allison Broennimann, PhD .
References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#signs
- ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissist-smear-campaign/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-trip#guilt-trip-meaning
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/coercive-control
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism#1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202102/lying-die-why-narcissists-may-lie-about-their-health
- ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/physical-abuse
- ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#causes
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#can-they-change
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#How-to-protect-yourself
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/want-to-feel-more-connected-practice-empathy-2021022221992
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#how-to-avoid-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/breathing-exercises-for-stress/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#how-to-avoid-manipulation
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#can-they-change
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#how-to-avoid-manipulation
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/breaking-up-with-a-narcissistic-personality#how-to-do-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201807/4-ways-deal-manipulative-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-fracture/202206/why-do-people-manipulate
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-fracture/202206/why-do-people-manipulate
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation#causes-of-manipulative-behavior
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-what-you-cant-control
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#causes
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD
and by wikiHow staff writer, Janice Tieperman
. Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association. This article has been viewed 14,200 times.
12 votes - 93%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: October 23, 2023
Views: 14,200
Categories: Social Interactions
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 14,200 times.
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