Unicorns in Relationships: What Are They (and How to Find One)

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Get the full scoop on unicorns in poly communities
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If you're interested in or just curious about polyamory, you've probably heard the phrase "unicorn" a few times. But what does that really mean and who exactly is the "unicorn" in this scenario? In this article, we'll cover everything you need to know about unicorns, including the unicorn's role and how these relationships work. We'll also share some tips on how to find and treat a unicorn so that everyone has a healthy and exciting experience. Keep reading to learn more!

Things You Should Know

  • A unicorn is a person who joins an existing relationship with a couple, typically for sex. Unicorns are usually bisexual or bicurious women, but not always.
  • Unicorns are invited on dates and into the bedroom by the existing couple, but they aren't considered a core component of the couple's relationship.
  • To find a unicorn, get involved with your local polyamorous community and check out dating apps made for unicorns and other poly relationships.
Section 1 of 6:

What is a unicorn in a relationship?

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    Unicorns are people who enjoy dating heterosexual couples, and while they're usually bisexual or bicurious women, a person of any gender could potentially be a unicorn. That said, people of other genders and orientations tend to have a wider range of relationship experiences and interactions; unicorns just enjoy dating heteronormative couples, specifically. [1]
    • Women who are willing to join an existing couple are said to be so rare that they're almost mythical, which is why they're called "unicorns."
    • Unicorn relationships are a form of polyamory. Polyamory means having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple individuals simultaneously, with the consent of all parties. Other forms of polyamory include open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, and triads/throuples. [2]
    • Curious if the polyamorous lifestyle is for you? Try taking our helpful quiz.
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Section 2 of 6:

How does a unicorn relationship work?

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    In these arrangements, the unicorn is secondary in the relationship and the existing couple is the core component. Unicorns don’t typically have a say in the couple’s day-to-day lives or the decisions they make together. Most couples want their unicorns to date them exclusively, though, so unicorns are seen as more than just sexual partners. However, unicorn relationships are always hierarchical, with the couple being primary and the unicorn being more of a “bonus” or “add-on” to spice things up. [3]
    • When a couple hooks up with a third person just for sex, it's simply considered to be a threesome (not a unicorn relationship).
Section 3 of 6:

What does unicorn hunting mean?

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    Couples who want a unicorn relationship are “hunting” for a unicorn—that rare third person who’s willing to join their consensually non-monogamous relationship. The term “unicorn hunter” is often used in a derogatory way in polyamorous communities because their heteronormative outlooks don't gel with the fluidity of the poly scene. Hunters are also seen as thrill seekers who treat unicorns as experiences rather than people. [4]
    • Unicorn hunters are sometimes called "unicorn poachers."
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Section 4 of 6:

Finding a Unicorn as a Couple

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    Get involved with your local poly scene to meet like-minded people . The best way to have face-to-face interactions with polyamorous folks is to join a local community and attend their events. To find them, just Google the city where you live + poly community, and then go from there. To be accepted, it’s important to mingle and learn about the community before jumping straight into unicorn hunting. [5]
    • If you'd like to learn a little more about the poly lifestyle before diving into it in person, check out resources like I Love Poly and Loving Without Boundaries .
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    There are apps made specifically for people who are interested in seeking open relationships and alternative relationship experiences. In most cases, these apps allow couples to open a joint account and they seek out potential unicorns using their joint profile. If this interests you, try checking out apps like Feeld , BiCupid , and Unicorn Finder .
    • You can also use more common dating apps like Tinder to look for unicorns—just note in your Tinder bio that you’re looking for that, specifically.
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    Unicorns generally want to be found, but it’s still important to approach them with respect and lay down some ground rules before taking the relationship to the next level. Set boundaries and expectations with your unicorn, like the level of commitment you’re looking for, how much time you have to spend with them, and so on. [6]
    • Remember to treat your unicorn as a person, not an experience, and avoid expecting them to conform to your every whim. Even though the unicorn isn’t part of the primary relationship, their willing participation is crucial. Treat them with the kindness and respect they deserve. [7]
    • In any relationship, you should understand the boundaries that make your partner uncomfortable.
    • For example, can you have physical contact or spend time alone with them.
    • In a polyamorous relationship, you have to recognize that with more freedom, there needs to be more understanding of where that freedom can cross a line.
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Section 5 of 6:

Unicorn Relationships vs Throuples

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    A throuple is a three-person committed relationship without the hierarchy of a unicorn relationship—all members of a throuple relationship are considered equal. Unicorn relationships are usually made up of a heterosexual couple and a bisexual or bicurious woman, but throuples are a lot more fluid. Throuples could feature people of the same gender, mixed gender, multiple genders, or non-binary folks. [8]
    • A throuple is also sometimes referred to as a “triad” in the poly scene. [9]
Section 6 of 6:

Key Takeaways

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    Unicorns usually join existing couples for sex (but these relationships can be deeper than that). Couples usually ask unicorns to date them exclusively, so they're more than just sexual partners, but the couple is always the core unit in the relationship (with the unicorn being secondary). Unicorn relationships are a form of polyamory and unicorns are usually involved in their local poly scene.
    • If you're part of a heterosexual couple and interested in a unicorn relationship, it's important to discuss it with your partner first. Be open and honest about what you want and make sure your partner is on board before seeking out a unicorn.
    • If your partner isn't interested in getting involved in a unicorn relationship, you might consider talking about trying an open relationship instead.
    • If you decide to engage in polyamory, it's important to proceed in a healthy way and get the consent of everyone involved. Setting boundaries and checking in with partners regularly can also go a long way toward healthy and happy poly relationships.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202011/discovering-the-women-who-date-couples
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/polyamorous-relationship#about-polyamory
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202304/untangling-types-of-couple-focused-consensual-nonmonogamies
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202009/meet-the-couples-date-single-women
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202009/meet-the-couples-date-single-women
      6. ↑ https://www.open-love.org/fact-sheet
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202011/discovering-the-women-who-date-couples
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/202208/the-truth-about-threesomes-triads-and-throuples
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/polyamorous-relationship#about-polyamory

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