ENM Relationships: Meaning, Types, and More

A guide to ethically non-monogamous relationships

Romantic relationships can take on many forms, from conventional monogamy where two people are devoted solely to each other, to open relationships where sex and romance aren’t reserved for a single partner. But what about ENM—a.k.a. “ethically non-monogamous ” relationships? If monogamy isn’t your calling, an ENM relationship could be the perfect alternative. Keep reading to learn how these relationships work and how to tell if an ENM relationship is right for you.

Things You Should Know

  • Ethically nonmonogamous (ENM) relationships allow sexual, emotional, or romantic intimacy between more than two people, with everyone’s full consent.
  • There are many types of ENM relationships. Some allow many romantic partners at once, while others only permit limited intimacy outside a primary relationship.
  • Signs an ENM relationship is right for you include wanting to explore your sexuality, desiring multiple partners, and feeling that monogamy isn’t for you.
Section 1 of 5:

Definition

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    Intimacy can include anything from flirting, to occasional sex, to having long-term romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time—with everyone’s full knowledge and consent. This makes ENM relationships different from monogamous relationships, where intimacy, sex, and romance are shared with only one person at a time. [1]
    • ENM relationships are also referred to as “consensually nonmonogamous” (CNM) relationships. These terms are interchangeable.
    • People in ENM relationships set boundaries and rules on what kinds of intimacy are allowed with other partners—including when, where, and with who intimacy can be shared.
    • For instance, an ENM couple might permit sex with other partners during threesomes, but not separately. Or a “solo” ENM person may date multiple people, but only become romantically close to 1 or 2 of them.
    • ENM is practiced by adults of all gender and sexual identities, and of all ages and backgrounds.
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Section 2 of 5:

Types

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    These relationships can be romantic, sexual, or both. All partners are aware and approving of the other’s relationships, even if some people in the “network” of relationships aren’t romantically involved with each other. [2]
    • The term “polyamory” literally means “more than one love.” It comes from the Greek word “polus,” meaning “many,” and the Latin word “amor,” meaning “love” or “beloved.” [3]
    • Polyamory can be “hierarchical,” where some relationships are prioritized more than others, or “non-hierarchical,” where all relationships are treated equally.
    • Some people practice “closed polyamory,” with multiple partners in an exclusive relationship. They’re “monogamous” with each other, so to speak, except that “each other” can include three, four, or more people, instead of just two. [4]
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    As the name suggests, monogamish couples are “kind of” or “mostly” monogamous. They prioritize their relationship and set very strict limits on what kinds of intimacy are allowed with other partners. [5]
    • For instance, a monogamish couple might allow each other to have one-night stands, but not ongoing relationships with other people.
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    Married or long-term couples may allow “casual” sex with other partners or couples, with or without each other present. As with other forms of ENM, couples may set rules on what’s allowed, such as mandatory condom use. [6]
    • In swinging, there’s usually no emotional involvement with other people.
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    In a throuple, all three partners are romantically or sexually involved with each other. This is different from a threesome or swinging, where a two-person couple might have a third partner join them for a sexual encounter. [7]
    • A “vee” is a three-person relationship where one person is in a relationship with two people, but those two people are not in a relationship with each other.
    • A “quad” is the four-person equivalent of a throuple.
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    Polycules may consist of multiple partners living together in a communal setting. Or partners can live separately but remain connected to each other, seeing each other regularly as a group. [8]
    • Polycules can be “closed,” where no one dates outside of the group, or “open,” where some or all members have additional partners outside of the group.
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    This is an umbrella term for nonmonogamous relationships. There’s no strict definition of an open relationship. Depending on the people involved, being “open” can mean anything from only having threesomes with each other and a third person, to placing no restrictions on sex whatsoever. [9]
    • Since this term is very flexible, an “open relationship” could take on any form, including polyamory, swinging, being monogamish, and so on.
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    Aside from respecting boundaries and consent, people who practice relationship anarchy might date or have sex with other people without defining relationship structures. There are no hierarchies or rules regarding who can have sex with who. [10]
    • This style of ENM only works if the person who practices relationship anarchy is considerate of other people’s relationship styles. Otherwise, there is a risk of violating someone else’s rules or boundaries.
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Section 3 of 5:

Myths

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    In ENM relationships, partners give each other full permission to be intimate with other people. Partners set rules and boundaries as to what is allowed and what’s not. As long as there’s consent and everyone’s rules and boundaries are respected, no one in an ENM relationship is cheating. [11]
    • Cheating can still occur if someone violates a rule or boundary. For example, a couple might set a rule stating that they must inform each other about new partners. If one of them started dating someone new without informing the other, it would be considered cheating.
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    While most people practice monogamy, others naturally prefer to date more than one person at a time. What’s “natural” for one person may not be natural for everyone, and ENM relationships provide an option for people who find monogamy undesirable. [12]
    • Some people may practice ENM for a while, but later decide to be monogamous. This is a totally valid choice.
  3. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/4\/49\/What-Is-an-Enm-Relationship-Step-11.jpg\/v4-460px-What-Is-an-Enm-Relationship-Step-11.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/4\/49\/What-Is-an-Enm-Relationship-Step-11.jpg\/v4-728px-What-Is-an-Enm-Relationship-Step-11.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\"><p>\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is <b>not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.<br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>"}
    In fact, people can and do feel romantic love for more than one person at a time. While a person might choose to suppress those feelings out of respect for a spouse or partner, people in ENM relationships have the option of sharing romantic love with multiple partners. [13]
    • Expressing romantic love to other partners isn’t always allowed in ENM relationships. For instance, a monogamish couple might choose to emotionally prioritize each other, depending on the rules and boundaries they agree upon.
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    Any type of relationship can be healthy, loving, and supportive. A person in an ENM relationship who practices good communication, honors boundaries, and treats their partners with love and respect can be just as happy and healthy as someone in a committed monogamous relationship. [14]
    • Of course, ENM relationships can become unhealthy, just as monogamous relationships can.
    • To be healthy, an ENM relationship must be founded on love, work, sacrifice, compatibility, and shared values.
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Section 4 of 5:

Signs an ENM Relationship Is Right for You

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    Maybe you’re happily married or dating someone, but you still want to experiment with other partners. You don’t want to break up, but having only one sexual partner feels too limiting. [15]
    • You might also be bisexual, pansexual, or simply questioning your sexuality. If so, an ENM relationship could allow you to explore your sexuality with a person of a gender other than your partner’s.
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    Loving more than one person doesn’t seem weird to you. In fact, it feels right. An ENM relationship could allow you to express that love whenever you feel it, even when you already love someone else. [16]
    • Remember that your partners may feel love for other people too. You’ll need to be comfortable with their romantic feelings for others.
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    Maybe you’ve tried it and it just didn’t make you happy. Or maybe you’ve been monogamous for ages and starting to have doubts. Whatever your reasons, you’re ready to try something different. [17]
    • You can still try an ENM relationship even if you’re happily monogamous. As long as you feel comfortable, you don’t need a reason other than curiosity.
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    You’re comfortable expressing your needs and setting clear rules for what’s allowed and what’s not. You’re willing to work together with your partners to find boundaries you can agree on. [18]
    • Boundaries can change over time. You can always renegotiate boundaries with your partner as your needs or interests have changed.
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    Depending on your specific relationship, your partner may set certain boundaries, and it’ll be up to you to follow them. Listen carefully to your partner’s needs and work through disagreements as they arise. [19]
    • If you’re not currently in a relationship, you’ll still need to respect people’s boundaries. Ask your partners about their boundaries and make sure you’re comfortable with them before you engage in a relationship or sexual encounter.
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    The thought of your partner kissing someone else, getting pleasure from someone else, or even loving someone else doesn’t make you uncomfortable. In fact, it might excite you or make you feel joy. Sure, you might still feel jealous sometimes or in certain situations, but it’s not an overwhelming problem. [20]
    • Experiencing joy from your partner’s pleasure is known as “compersion.” Think of it as the opposite of jealousy.
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Section 5 of 5:

Advice for ENM Relationships

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    Be honest about your needs, desires, insecurities, and motivations for pursuing ethical nonmonogamy, and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Check in regularly to see how everyone is feeling, if any rules or boundaries need updating, and so on. [21]
    • Hiding your feelings is a major red flag in any relationship, but especially in ENM. Being honest is necessary for building trust.
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    Educate yourself about different types of ENM, and the risks and benefits of having multiple partners. See a sex therapist with your partners—or alone, if you prefer—to learn more about safe sex, setting boundaries, and so on. The more you learn, the more likely you’ll have a good experience in ENM relationships. [22]
    • Ask a sex therapist or sex educator for books, podcasts, or other educational content on ENM.
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    Use condoms during penetrative sex to reduce the risk of STI transmission. Get tested for STIs regularly and share your results with your partners. Likewise, have your partners get tested regularly and always ask to see their results. [23]
    • If pregnancy is a risk for you or your partners, consider additional precautions like hormonal birth control.
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    Be patient with yourself and your partners, especially if insecurities or unexpected disagreements come up. Avoid rushing into situations you’re not comfortable with, and don’t be afraid to change your mind if you realize a specific activity, partner, or relationship style is not for you. [24]
    • You and your partners will sometimes want different things in an ENM relationship. When this happens, don’t be afraid to recalibrate and set new boundaries as needed.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is ENM right for me?
    Lauren Sanders
    Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Lauren Sanders is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Dating for the Soul. With over four years of experience, she specializes in helping singles find love. Lauren is also the author of Lipstick Faith: A Collection of Inspirational Writings and Life Lessons, You Deserve the World, Rainbows and Strawberries: 100 Devotions for the Brighter Side of Life, and Let's Go Outside Mommy. Lauren holds BS from Dillard University and a Masters from The University of North Georgia.
    Lauren Sanders
    Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    If you have an insatiable spirit that typically loses interest quickly, a non-monogamous relationship may be right for you. However, you should be as honest as possible with the people you are involved with.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.apadivisions.org/division-44/resources/consensual-non-monogamy.pdf
      2. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.etymonline.com/word/polyamorous
      4. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      5. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      6. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      7. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      8. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      9. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      1. ↑ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5f8e79c41d4359267404a861/t/615fabee5b5098309ecedf4c/1633659887159/SHIPS+Psychology+-+Glossary+of+Relationship+Structures+.docx.pdf
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#what-it-may-look-like
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#what-it-may-look-like
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#what-it-may-look-like
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#what-it-may-look-like
      6. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001890
      7. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001890
      8. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001890
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#vs-infidelity
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#vs-infidelity
      11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory#myths
      12. ↑ https://students.ouhsc.edu/news/article/establishing-ground-rules-for-ethical-non-monogamy
      13. ↑ https://krex.k-state.edu/bitstream/handle/2097/43072/KaraLangin2023.pdf?sequence=3
      14. ↑ https://students.ouhsc.edu/news/article/establishing-ground-rules-for-ethical-non-monogamy
      15. ↑ https://krex.k-state.edu/bitstream/handle/2097/43072/KaraLangin2023.pdf

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