Expert advice for how to cope with an emotionally unsupportive partner
It can be really frustrating to feel like your partner doesn't understand what you need emotionally. There are a lot of reasons why this might happen—maybe they weren't raised in a home where comforting behaviors were modeled, maybe emotional intelligence isn't one of their strengths, or maybe they just aren't sure what you need. This problem doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean that you need to help your partner understand how to comfort you. We’re here to help; read through the steps below, along with psychotherapist Kelli Miller’s expert tips on improving communication in your relationship.
How to Talk to a Partner Who’s Bad at Comforting You
- Find a distraction-free time and place to talk about your feelings.
- Use “I” statements to express how you feel.
- Point out specific examples of times you’ve felt supported in the past.
- Offer an example of a time you didn’t feel supported and how that made you feel.
- Tell your partner exactly how you’d like to be comforted when feeling down.
- Give your partner a chance to share their feelings and perspective.
Steps
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you teach someone how to you comfort you?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.You could suggest that they ask you what you need when they aren't sure—sometimes, you might want advice, for instance, while sometimes you might just want to talk.
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QuestionHow can I understand my partner better?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Make sure you listen to your partner more than you talk. Don't just focus on how to get your point across or what you're going to say after they finish talking—really listen to what they're saying. It can also help to reflect back what they said to validate them and make sure you understand what they're saying.
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QuestionWhat if my partner doesn't want to talk?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.If it seems like your partner is overwhelmed by these conversations, ask them questions like, "What would help you feel more comfortable when we're talking? Do you feel like I'm not listening to you? Would it help if we were able to call a timeout when one of us needs to?" Remember that you're in this together.
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Tips
- Remember that the level of emotional support that your partner is capable of may fluctuate from day to day. If they’re having a bad day, have a headache, or are feeling drained, they may not be able to be as supportive of you at that moment.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you regularly feel alienated and your partner discourages you from having close relationships with your friends and family, you may be in an abusive relationship. Reach out for help right away from someone you trust.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://time.com/5548386/feeling-lonely-in-relationship/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-support-without-sounding-like-a-nag-or-critic#1
- ↑ https://time.com/5548386/feeling-lonely-in-relationship/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-support-without-sounding-like-a-nag-or-critic#1
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://time.com/5548386/feeling-lonely-in-relationship/
- ↑ https://time.com/5548386/feeling-lonely-in-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-secret-to-finding-time-for-your-relationship-0826155
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