Here's What to Do When You Don't Get Along with Your Husband (But Still Love Him)

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When you and your spouse don’t get along, it can be hard to focus on the good in your relationship. Constantly bickering over small things or giving each other the cold shoulder gets exhausting, and it’s not a great way to make your home feel peaceful or happy. If you’d like to stop fighting with your husband and get your relationship back on track, read through this article to learn how to stop disagreements before they start.

1

Acknowledge the differences between you two.

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    You might never agree on certain things, like politics or religion. If you can accept these differences and make peace with them, you’ll be much more likely to get along. [1]
    • You probably have friends who don’t share your same opinions, too. Just because you don’t agree on everything doesn’t mean you can’t get along with each other.
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2

Respect each other’s opinions.

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    It’s important to have respect for your partner, even if you don’t like exactly what they’re saying. If you two do get to talking about things you’re in disagreement about, calmly say that you’ll have to agree to disagree to avoid turning it into a fight. [2]
    • You can stop a lot of pointless arguments by saying something like, “Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree” or, “I can tell that this means a lot to you, and I don’t think either of us are going to change our minds. Let’s just pause the conversation here.”
3

Find a middle ground.

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    Learn to compromise about issues you don’t agree on. You might not always get what you want (and your husband might not either), but you can probably find outcomes that both of you are okay with. Try to give and take a little, and be willing to get flexible if you need to. [3]
    • Suggest compromises by saying something like, “I can tell that we both feel strongly about this. Is there a scenario where we both feel okay about the outcome?”
    • Or, “Could we talk about a compromise? I think we can both get what we want if we just talk this out.”
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4

Communicate about your needs.

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    If you feel like your needs aren’t being met, sit down with your husband and spell them out for him. You deserve to feel healthy and happy, and if he’s not meeting your needs, you have to have a conversation with him. [4]
    • For instance, maybe you need more alone time. You might say something like, “Honey, I love spending time with you, but I need some space to recharge on my own.”
    • Or, if you’d like to stop arguing so much, you might say, “I want to have conversations with you, but I’d like us to have civil conversations. Let’s agree to stop the name-calling and the yelling as much as possible.”
    • Try to use “I” statements as much as possible. For instance, instead of saying, “You always get so angry at me,” try, “When you get upset and raise your voice, I feel scared.”
5

Let go of old grudges.

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    If you’re angry or upset about something that happened in the past, bring it up with him so you two can talk through it. Or, if you feel like you can let it go on your own, try to work through it yourself. Either way, the less resentment you have for him, the better you two will get along. [5]
    • It can feel strange to bring up issues from the past. However, if they’re still affecting your current relationship, it’s important to talk about them.
    • You might bring something up by saying, “Honey? I know this happened a while ago, but I’m still upset about what we went through last month. Could we talk about that a little more?”
    Expert Answer
    Q

    How do you stop taking your anger out on your partner?

    Maya Diamond, MA

    Relationship Coach
    Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
    EXPERT ADVICE
    Answer from Maya Diamond, MA :

    Do something to help yourself self-regulate and calm down. That could be breathing deeply, or just heading to the bathroom for a moment and giving yourself a pep talk.

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6

Accept your husband for who he is.

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    If you’re holding out hope that your husband might come around to your ideas or get a little less opinionated, you may end up disappointed. Try to accept your husband at face-value: his ideas about politics, religion, and family life might never change. [6]
    • People may be able to change small things about themselves, like when they go to sleep or how much junk food they eat. But the big things, like their morals and their values, may never waver.
7

Show each other appreciation.

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    If he cleans up the kitchen when you weren’t expecting it, thank him, and give him a kiss. Or, if he brings you home dinner after you’ve had a long day, tell him you appreciate him taking care of you. The more you can call out the positives in your relationship, the better. [7] [8]
    • You might say something like, “Thanks so much for cleaning up the house today, babe. I had such a rough day at work, and it was so nice to come home to a clean space.”
    • Or, “Dinner was delicious. Thanks again for cooking; I really needed a break after today.”
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8

Do activities together that you both enjoy.

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    Maybe you both love board games, or perhaps you both like running. Try to find something you can both do and have fun with, and then dedicate a few hours per week to it. The more you can connect on this level, the more you’ll get along in other areas of your life. [9]
    • If you don’t already have something that you both like to do, try something new together! You could take a cooking class, try a pottery workshop, or play frisbee golf.
    • You could also sign up for an exercise class, join a community garden, or create a book club together.
9

Add a little romance to your daily life.

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    Pretend like you two just started dating: how would you make each other feel special? Plan a candlelit dinner, take a nature walk, or sit around the fire sipping on a hot drink. Enjoy your time together as a couple to reconnect and get along with each other. [10]
    • Write your husband a letter that describes everything you appreciate and love about him. To go the extra mile, read the letter out loud to him. [11]
    • You could also try flirting with each other around the house, reminiscing about your wedding night, or trying out a fancy new restaurant.
    • Make your bedroom extra romantic by setting up setting up candles and putting on some nice music. [12]
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10

Lean on your friends and family members.

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    If you need to talk to someone and you know your husband isn’t it, try reaching out to a friend or a family member instead. That way, you still have someone to talk to, but you won’t be leaning on your husband for everything. [13]
    • For example, if you want to talk about the upcoming election but you and your husband disagree about politics, you might want to call a friend instead.
11

Try couple’s counseling if you need to.

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    If you’re finding it hard to make peace at home, make an appointment with a professional to talk about what you’re going through. They can take a look at your specific situation and provide ways for you and your husband to communicate and get along better over time. [14] [15]
    • You may also want to try individual therapy for yourself. If you’re struggling, a therapist can help you work through your emotions and find coping skills that work for you.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I improve my relationship with my husband?
    Maya Diamond, MA
    Relationship Coach
    Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
    Maya Diamond, MA
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    Show appreciation with your husband's love language, whether that's physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, or gifts. Appreciation really helps a relationship blossom and grow.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.udel.edu/alumni-friends/stories/2020/keeping-the-peace-with-your-spouse-during-quarantine/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201312/8-great-ways-get-along-better-your-partner
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201312/8-great-ways-get-along-better-your-partner
      4. ↑ https://www.udel.edu/alumni-friends/stories/2020/keeping-the-peace-with-your-spouse-during-quarantine/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201312/8-great-ways-get-along-better-your-partner
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201312/8-great-ways-get-along-better-your-partner
      7. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/16-ways-to-fall-in-love-all-over-again/
      8. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      9. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-keep-quarantine-from-ruining-your-marriage/
      1. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/16-ways-to-fall-in-love-all-over-again/
      2. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      3. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
      4. ↑ https://www.udel.edu/alumni-friends/stories/2020/keeping-the-peace-with-your-spouse-during-quarantine/
      5. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/
      6. ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.

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