When to Consider a Breakup (And When to Reconnect)

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End (or rekindle) the relationship the right way
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Relationships are tough, and sometimes it's hard to know whether it's best to call it quits or forge ahead in a relationship that's on the rocks. Whether you’re pondering if it’s time to break up with someone you care about or you’re curious about when it’s appropriate to reconnect with someone from your past, we’ve got you covered. We spoke to Dr. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD to get the lowdown on when you should break up, when you should try to make it work, and when it’s appropriate to try and reconnect.

When to Talk About Breaking Up

Try to identify the underlying issues in your relationship before breaking up to see if they can be resolved. Approach your partner about a breakup when you're no longer happy in the relationship or are experiencing issues that aren't being addressed; this may mean it's time for the relationship to end.

Section 1 of 6:

Deciding if Breaking Up Makes Sense

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  1. Whether the two of you have been fighting a lot over silly little issues or you’ve both completely checked out and stopped fighting altogether, the odds are it’s time to really analyze what the core problem of the relationship is. If you’re thinking about breaking up but you aren’t sure, take the time to self-assess and reflect on what’s actually driving the relationship in the wrong direction. [1] You might consider the following questions:
    • Is a personal issue driving a wedge in the relationship? If one of you are dealing with some serious mental health issues, for example, it can make managing a relationship difficult.
    • Have you (or your partner) grown or changed? People change over time. It's a natural part of life. But if one of you has changed radically to the point you're not as compatible, it could leave you feeling distant, less in sync, or at odds with each other.
    • Are your underlying values in conflict with one another? For instance, if you want kids but your partner doesn’t, it can eventually create a serious issue that's difficult to overcome.
    • Are you dealing with unresolved issues from the past? As an example, if your partner cheated on you and it’s just too much to get past, it can be difficult to trust them again.
  2. 2
    Determine if the problem can be resolved. Schewitz says that once you know what’s at the core of your relationship’s problems, you can assess whether that central issue is fixable. If it is, now you can focus on that! If it isn’t, at least you know you’re past the threshold of a decision and you can start planning your next steps.
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Section 2 of 6:

Expert Guidance on When to Stay vs. When to Leave

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  1. Schewitz poses a few key questions: “It’s important to know there’s a lot you can do to help a relationship, so have you done your due diligence? Have you tried couples therapy? If you really feel like you want this to work, you love this person, but you're just not getting along, then I think that’s the place where you should probably reach out for help and acknowledge that you don’t have the skills to fix it.”
  2. 2
    Was this relationship really primed to last? Schewitz explains that you must “consider your feelings for this person. Be radically honest with yourself. Was there ever a strong connection or a strong love there or did you sort of rationalize yourself into this relationship by thinking they'll be a good partner because of this quality or that quality?”
    • Ask yourself, “Could I see myself spending the next 20 years of my life with this person?” If the answer is no (or even “probably not”), it’s a pretty good sign this thing has run its course.
    • It’s okay for a relationship to end, especially if you’re on the younger side and haven’t dated much. It’s important to have some relationships that don’t work out so that you can learn about what you do want in “the one.”
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Section 3 of 6:

Discussing a Potential Breakup Together

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  1. 1
    Choose a time to chat when things aren’t tumultuous. If you bring up the subject of potentially breaking up while the two of you are actively fighting, it’s likely going to come off as rash, and it may be difficult for you to address the issue tactfully. Wait until things are calm and broach the subject with empathy. [2] You might say:
    • “I care deeply about you, and I'd like us to talk about something important. Is now a good time for an honest conversation?”
    • “I’ve been bothered for a while by something weighing heavy on me. Is it okay if we sit down to talk later tonight?”
    • “I really want to respect you and respect this relationship by being totally honest with you. We should talk if you have the time and headspace for it right now.”
  2. 2
    Be radically honest and open about what’s on your mind. Schewitz says that “open communication is the single biggest thing when it comes to making big decisions in a relationship.” Even if your partner gets mad when you broach the subject, just let them get the steam off and continue to be as vulnerable as you possibly can:
    • “Our relationship hasn’t felt all that great lately. I think I’m committed to making this work, but I’m not so sure if we’re on the same page.”
    • “I know we’ve had our struggles but I get the feeling that you’re never going to be able to trust me after what we’ve been through.”
    • “I know you care about me but it’s beginning to feel like maybe we aren’t right for each other? I don’t necessarily want to breakup, but I’m kind of getting the vibe that this might be what you want?”
  3. 3
    Discuss next steps together. If there is a potential compromise or solution that the two of you could work out, this is the perfect venue to discuss it. The framing of the potential breakup will make the severity of the issue really hit home. At the same time, if they’re on board with the breakup idea, perhaps it’s time to talk about what comes next. Just listen and hear your partner out. [3]
    • “I know we haven’t really looked into therapy, but maybe this is the wake-up call we need if we’re going to make this work.”
    • “You sound pretty committed to this break idea, so let’s talk about it. What does that look like for us? Are we still exclusive? Are you moving back in with your folks?”
    • “If we’re going to make this work we have to make a change when it comes to how we talk to one another. Can we map out what that’s going to look like?”
  4. 4
    Remember that you don’t have to make big decisions fast. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with hitting pause on a serious conversation if things are getting heated. It’s also likely a wise idea to pause if you and your partner can’t come up with a clear path forward or if you can’t decide on whether you’re breaking up or not. [4] The following phrases might help:
    • “We can hit the pause button on this. I know you’re upset. I’m upset, too. Let’s come back to this when we’re in a better space.”
    • “It’s okay to sleep on it. I know I’m still not sure what comes next, so let’s just take things slow, yeah?”
    • “If we’re going to end things let’s make sure it’s really the right decision. We can take a few days to clear our heads and really figure out the best move for us.”
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Section 4 of 6:

What to Say When Breaking Up

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  1. Even if things may not be ending in the most productive or comfortable way, try not to say hurtful things at this point. Begin with something honest and loving to start things off on an nonconfrontational note. [5]
    • “Nobody means as much to me as you do, and nothing will ever change that.”
    • “I’ve loved our time together. Nothing could ever replace you.”
    • “Our relationship has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever been involved in.”
  2. 2
    Consider explaining why you want to break up. If your partner doesn’t know why this is happening, it’s a good idea to give them some context. Explain what the last straw was. At the same time, if this has been an ongoing issue and they’re aware of what’s wrong, you may not feel like hashing it out again, which is valid. [6]
    • “I’m just unable to get past all of the hurtful things we’ve said to one another the past few months.”
    • “We’re going to different schools next year and I just don’t know how we’re going to make it work—especially since we’re going to be so busy.”
    • “The infidelity is not something I think I can live with. Even if it does stop, I’m just not going to be able to sleep at night.”
  3. 3
    Be clear that you want to break up. Don’t leave the door open for any confusion. It may be tempting to try to sneak your way out of a tough spot by suggesting you can get back together later or that you only need a break, but it's best to be 100% clear about the relationship ending. [7]
    • “I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you anymore. We’re breaking up.”
    • “I know we’ve talked about working on our relationship but I just can’t do it. This is the end.”
    • “We’re breaking up. I’m so sorry, but I think it’s the right thing for both of us in the long run.”
  4. 4
    Let your partner express themselves. Your partner will likely have some thoughts and feelings of their own to get off their chest. Even if nothing they say will change your mind about breaking up, give them the courtesy of hearing them out, even if they say some unkind things. It’s important to let them get some steam off, so try to just hear them out without clapping back. [8]
    • This is not to say that you should tolerate any verbal or emotional abuse—that’s never acceptable. It just means that you should do your best to be gracious when it comes to letting your partner express their frustrations when you mention wanting to break up.
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Section 5 of 6:

Should you go no contact after a breakup?

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  1. It’s best to go no contact , at least for a few months. Schewitz says, “I think it’s especially important to break all contact if you’re in an on-again/off-again relationship where this contact means you could end up hooking up or getting back together when it’s not the best idea.” Regardless, taking at least 6 months to get your ex off your mind and give the two of you time to heal will be the best way to get past this. [9]
    • If things ended amicably and you know you’ll want to reconnect or be friends in the future, there’s nothing wrong with letting your ex know you’re going no contact ahead of time.
    • To stay no contact , keep your ex blocked on all forms of social media, block their number from calling or texting you, and get rid of anything that reminds you of your ex.
Section 6 of 6:

When to Talk to an Ex

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  1. There's no hard and fast rule about how long to wait before reconnecting with an ex, but some people abide by this rough guideline as a way to ensure you both get adequate time to heal. So, if you dated 4 years, wait at least 2 years before you reach out to reconnect. If it was a 6-month relationship, wait 3 months before hitting your ex up. This will give both of you time to process and grieve the relationship so that you aren’t coming into the reconnection with charged energy. [10]
    • Every situation is different. If you think the relationship was just a bit too heavy to justify the “divide by 2” rule, give it extra time.
    • If you decided to breakup and your ex wanted to stay together, it’s best to give them plenty of time to process the split and get over you before reaching out.
  2. 2
    If you want a debrief, wait until you’re totally over your ex. A relationship debrief (or “post-mortem”) is where you sit down with an ex to discuss what went wrong. Wait until you’re completely over your ex to get the most out of this conversation. If you’re still into them, you won’t have the headspace to view the conversation objectively. [11]
    • Schewitz says, “Not every relationship is meant to last. So when you debrief, you’re asking yourself, ‘What did I learn? And how does this fit into my journey of evolution as a human being?’ Being able to answer those two questions after you've gone through the grieving process, you'll usually get some closure.”
  3. Schewitz says, “If things ended peacefully and you need to reach out every once in a while and say ‘I’m sad,’ just that, I think that's fine.” It’s normal for a relationship that ended on mutual terms to have a kind of “off-ramp” where you two help and support one another through the process, so don’t sweat it if you feel compelled to reach out and talk. [12]
    • This is reasonable guidance if the breakup was discussed well in advance of the actual split, or if the breakup was genuinely mutual. Don’t reach out freely if things ended with friction, though.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/my-relationship-making-me-sad
      2. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/mutual-breakup/
      3. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on
      4. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on
      5. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up-words.html
      6. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up-words.html
      7. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up-words.html
      8. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/12/28/950821286/the-art-of-breaking-up-from-the-talk-to-moving-on
      9. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/26/a-psychologist-weighs-in-on-the-post-breakup-no-contact-rule/
      1. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-long-get-over-someone-therapist
      2. ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/post-breakup-questions-after-relationship-end
      3. ↑ https://medium.com/the-savanna-post/heres-how-to-keep-mutual-friends-after-a-breakup-2cdf1aefb5c6

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