Why Am I Insecure? How to Boost Your Self-Esteem

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Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with over a decade of experience and a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area
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If you’re reading this article, I’m guessing you struggle with insecurity on occasion—and you’re not alone. Feeling insecure or struggling with an insecure attachment style can negatively impact your social life, relationships, and career—but rest assured, insecurity is possible to overcome, and attachment styles aren’t set in stone. I’m Dr. Allison Broennimann, a Clinical Psychologist licensed by the California Board of Psychology and a member of the American Psychological Association. In this article, I’m going to guide you through what causes insecurity, how to overcome it, the ways it can affect your day-to-day life, and more.

What causes insecurity?

Insecurity may be caused by many different factors, such as past traumas or negative experiences, societal pressures, grief or loss, past rejections or failure, a difficult upbringing, or a lack of a strong social support network. You may also feel insecure when challenging yourself or trying something new.

Section 1 of 8:

What is insecurity?

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  1. Insecurity is a common feeling—we all experience it at some point or another! It often follows an event that shakes your confidence, makes you question your value, or makes you believe you can’t be your authentic self, and may trigger your fight-or-flight response—your body’s automatic response to perceived threats to your physical or emotional well-being.
    • Internal cues that cause anxiety might refer to your own negative self-talk, or even be activated by past negative experiences that might make you feel insecure in the present.
    • An external cue might refer to something in your immediate environment that’s making you feel insecure, such as your first day at a new job, because you don’t know what to expect and have a lot to learn.
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Section 2 of 8:

Common Causes of Insecurity

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  1. Experiencing rejection or failure—especially in your professional or personal relationships—may cause you to experience self-doubt and uncertainty regarding your ability to succeed in the future. You may feel insecure about your ability to thrive generally, or you may feel uncertain about your ability to succeed in an area where you’ve failed in the past.
  2. 2
    A lack of social support Because attachment refers to how we interact with one another, having a supportive social circle is crucial to maintaining secure attachments and minimizing insecurity. If you don’t have anyone you can turn to for support, or if you don’t have anyone with whom you can build a secure attachment, you’re more likely to struggle with insecurity.
    • Feeling insecure in your relationships or friendships may also be a sign that something needs to change or shift: maybe you’re feeling insecure because you know, on some level, the relationship isn’t working, or the person you’re with can’t really be trusted.
    • In this way, insecurity can act as a warning and is a natural and necessary biological tool to help keep us safe and adapt moment-by-moment.
  3. Perceived pressure to be or behave a certain way can increase feelings of shame and anxiety. Social media usage in particular can cause our self-esteem to plummet and our insecurity to skyrocket—how many times a day do we hop on Instagram or TikTok and compare ourselves to celebrities, influencers, and our friends?
  4. 4
    Insecure relationships with caregivers in childhood For many of us, when we talk about being “insecure,” we’re referring to attachment theory , which refers to the ways that our childhood relationships with our caregivers may influence our relationships with other adults as we grow up. (More on this [#Insecure Attachment Theory Explored|later in this article]!) If your caregivers were unreliable or not present in your early childhood, you may feel as if you can’t trust yourself to get your needs met in relationships as an adult, leading to feelings of insecurity in your relationships.
    • We have three sets of needs: social, physical, and emotional. When any of these needs are threatened, we’re likely to become insecure because this is the cue we need to adapt to what is happening.
    • If your needs were threatened regularly (say, your parents weren’t around very much in your childhood, or they were around physically, but shut you down emotionally or socially), you’re more likely to be insecurely attached to other people you form relationships with as you grow up.
    • Additionally, if you endured a lot of pressure from your parents to succeed as a child at the cost of learning how to face challenges in a healthy way, you may suffer from insecurity or self-doubt as you grow up, especially when you experience failure or rejection.
  5. When it comes to our attachment style, insecurity almost always goes back to the relational circumstances surrounding a particular event, such as not being able to talk to someone, or ask for help when you went through something really scary. When the event happens, it triggers our adaptive strategies for survival. Traumatic experiences, even ones that occurred long in the past are challenging enough to survive, but when you do not have social support to turn to, this is what leaves you feeling unsafe and on alert in the world, which can negatively affect your sense of self-esteem, your ability to trust others, and your identity.
  6. 6
    Grief and loss No matter where our particular insecurity stems from, pain is usually the common denominator. Many typical causes of insecurity are rooted in not having had social support in the past, but even as adults, we're regularly faced with tragedy, loss, and grief, and this can cause us to feel disoriented, unstable, and insecure.
    • For instance, when you experience a breakup, a death, a job loss, or any other significant grief, you might feel disoriented by the sudden loss, uncertain about the future, or unable to move forward from the past.
    • You may also feel insecure about the presence of other people in your life, as if they could also disappear.
  7. In my experience, insecurity—either as a general feeling or an attachment style—is often accompanied by shame. You might feel ashamed at having needs, ashamed to advocate for yourself, or ashamed of how you may have been treated in the past. You may even feel ashamed of your insecurity! It is when we are operating from a place of shame that we are often unable to meet our own needs, and we may even be likely to make other people responsible for our emotions.
    • Insecurity may also result from excessive guilt, which is similar to shame, but isn’t the same: you might feel guilt after doing something wrong, which may lead you to feel as if you don’t deserve love, care, or respect. You may even feel guilty for having needs at all.
  8. 8
    Discrimination Racism, misogyny, transphobia, and other forms of prejudice may all result in either momentary or long-term insecurity. If you’re a marginalized person who has faced systemic discrimination, you may experience insecurity that can negatively impact your well-being.
    • If you’re a marginalized person walking in an unsafe area, insecurity may be a tool to keep yourself safe: it would, of course, be preferable if we lived in a world in which certain people didn’t have to be on alert, but in unsafe situations, it’s not your insecurity that’s the problem—your anxiety and hypervigilance can be valuable tools to protect you.
    • You may also experience insecurity when forced to face threats to your identity, even if you’re unlikely to be in physical danger. For instance, you may feel insecure when faced with microaggressions from a coworker or a new friend, or when interacting with someone you know holds values that are insulting to your identity.
  9. There’s not a tremendous amount of research on neurodivergence and attachment, but a 2016 study conducted by Samantha J. Teague et al. suggests children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are more likely to form insecure attachments to their caregivers. The study found that 47% of children with ASD were classified as securely attached, compared to about 60% of neurotypical children involved in the study.
  10. 10
    Challenging yourself Insecurity gets a bad rap, but I actually view it as neutral and natural in and of itself—and it doesn’t only stem from negative life experiences! Any time you challenge yourself or step out of your comfort zone, you’re likely to feel a little insecure or unsure of yourself. And that’s a good thing: it means you’re growing and trying something new.
    • Think of the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone by learning a new language, sport, or other skill: it might have been exhilarating or enjoyable, but you might also have experienced some uncertainty or compared yourself to others whom you perceived as more skilled.
    • But it’s by tolerating that sense of insecurity—rather than running away or avoiding it—that you become better at adapting to new things and maybe even learn to love doing them!
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Section 3 of 8:

How to Overcome Insecurity

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  1. We’re unconsciously emotionally attuning to others every 1/28th of a second—but being conscious about it can help you regulate your emotions and prevent you from falling into either excessive anxiety or avoidance. My advice? Check in with yourself regularly throughout the day: “How am I doing? How are the other people that I'm close to doing? Are our needs getting met? Am I thinking about them? Am I thinking about me?”
    • When you find yourself experiencing feelings tied to insecurity (like self-doubt, anger, fear, etc.), ask yourself, “Which of my social, emotional, or physical needs is not being met? How can I get it met?”
  2. 2
    Find social support. Attachment is about how we relate to one another, so finding a safe, supportive social circle is essential to overcoming an insecure attachment. You may have heard the advice that you need to learn to be alone before you can be with someone else, but this isn’t true, and it’s just not practical! In fact, we needed to learn to be alone by having a caregiver who gave us enough space and time that we inherently learned to be alone without feeling insecure. Overcoming insecurity usually happens in the context of a safe relationship or community, where you’re able to self-reflect and practice facing your insecurity alongside people who will respect you, love you, and hold you accountable.
    • I know many people—including clients—who have found great social support in spiritual groups or community support groups.
    • But you can also overcome insecurity alongside friends or loved ones who are working on their own insecurity. You could do a self-help book club, take a class together online, or read an article and discuss it. Here are some of my reading recommendations, if you’re not sure where to start:
  3. You can find emotional attunement through meditating or journaling, but this doesn’t work for everyone. Some people achieve emotional equilibrium through dance, running, biking, horseback riding, or another physical activity. Some people find it through being creative and painting or singing. Whatever works for you is great! Just don’t be afraid to try something new. And do not give up on yourself: keep trying new things, as your needs are always adapting and changing.
    • In fact, getting out and trying new things in and of itself is a great way to help overcome insecurity. While getting out of your comfort zone can make you feel insecure, following through and succeeding (or maybe even thriving!) can give your confidence a real boost!
    • And you don’t have to sign up for a bungee jumping lesson right away—you can work up to big challenges little by little. Over time, you’ll likely realize you’re more capable, brave, and adaptable than you thought you were!
    • So give yourself a challenging but manageable and realistic goal you can accomplish this week, or even today, like saying hello to your neighbor if you don’t usually talk to them, or ordering something new for dinner if you typically order the same dish over and over.
  4. 4
    Practice being alone. Insecurity can make some people anxious when alone and eager to be around others or to seek reassurance from others. They may not even know how to be alone! But practicing being alone with yourself—making meals, going for a walk alone, going to the movies, a bookstore, dancing—can help you learn to enjoy your own company and get to know who you are better.
    • This isn’t to say you need to distance yourself from other people or avoid socializing—it’s more about finding a healthy balance between solitude and socialization.
    • Bookend your outing with a text to a friend before or after, so that you can practice knowing that it’s okay to prioritize yourself and have social support to come back to.
  5. 5
    See a therapist. A therapist can offer a safe space in which you can work through any shame or grief that may be causing insecurity in the present. They’ll help you process the past and learn to trust yourself and your abilities to get your needs met.
    • If you’re hesitant to dive into therapy or don’t have access to therapy, working with a trusted friend (maybe even someone who’s also struggling with insecurity) can help you feel encouraged and keep you accountable.
    • Not sure where to find a therapist? Psychology Today is a terrific resource! Use their therapy locator to find an available therapist in your area who meets your needs.
  6. When people treat themselves the way they were treated as a child, they’re likely to stay stuck in their insecurity and keep repeating destructive relationship patterns. It’s understandable—overcoming insecurity and changing your attachment style is hard! It requires facing pain and grief and giving yourself permission to grow. Many people who struggle with insecure attachment don't trust themselves to initiate change and growth.
    • I encourage you to be willing to dedicate time and attention to the process. Overcoming insecurity is a practice, like any other: the more you work at it, the easier it becomes to identify and work through your unmet need below the insecurity when you experience it.
    • Every time you face insecurity—every time you face your grief and past pain without shame—you learn a little more about how to overcome it. Maybe it’s by immediately reaching out for social support. Maybe it’s by journaling or jogging. Eventually, it just becomes daily maintenance!
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Section 4 of 8:

Symptoms of Insecurity

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  1. There are a few symptoms that tend to accompany insecurity. You may not experience every single symptom of insecurity, but there are a few common ones many people deal with when they’re feeling especially anxious, nervous, or uncertain:
    • Self-doubt
    • Negative self-talk
    • Excessive comparison to others
    • A consistent need for approval
    • Constantly seeking reassurance in relationships
    • Poor body image
    • Fear of rejection
    • Hypersensitivity to criticism
    • Defensiveness
    • Overconfidence (to overcompensate for feelings of uncertainty or unworthiness)
    • Social anxiety
    • Physical symptoms (such as stomach pain, rapid heartbeat, or sweating)
    • Addiction (to food, gambling, drugs, etc.)
Section 5 of 8:

Potential Effects of Insecurity

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  1. People who deal with chronic insecurity may be more prone to doubting themselves or not trusting their instincts. They may also feel unworthy of having their needs met, or feel as if they aren’t capable of meeting their own needs. Chronic insecurity may result in the following mental health struggles:
    • Low self-esteem
    • Imposter syndrome (a condition where you feel like a fraud, usually in professional or intellectual circles, despite having plenty of experience and/or knowledge in your field)
    • Depression and anxiety
    • Indecisiveness
  2. 2
    Chronic insecurity can also affect your social life, love life, and career. When you don't have a balanced sense of your needs, you’re more likely to compromise either your needs or insist that other people compromise their needs as proof that they’re safe and not a danger to you having your needs fulfilled. This can negatively affect our relationships with other people, including friends, family members, romantic partners, and colleagues.
    • Insecure people often take on either too much responsibility for the feelings of others, to the point that they grow resentful, or they may put responsibility for their emotions onto others, which the other is unable to meet. This often results in trouble establishing and maintaining relationships, both platonic and romantic.
    • Insecurity may lead you to feel like you can’t advocate for your needs at work. You may assume your boss and colleagues have unrealistically high expectations for you (even if they don’t!). The more you forego your needs at work, the more likely you are to grow resentful and stressed out.
    • Moreover, fear of failure and self-doubt may lead you to avoid taking risks in your social life and career, causing you to miss out on fulfilling relationships and professional opportunities.
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Section 6 of 8:

Insecure Attachment Theory Explored

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  1. Our attachment style really comes down to the relationship between the “self” and the “other” and we are constantly self- and other-regulating at the same time. What does this mean? Basically, it means that we are constantly assessing (often unconsciously) the needs and motives of ourselves and the people we interact with, and attempting to find a balance between the two where everyone is able to have their needs met.
    • Attachment is a social survival tool: without healthy attachment to others, we wouldn’t be able to thrive and have a happy, fulfilling life!
  2. 2
    The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. A secure attachment involves having a balanced understanding of the “self” and the “other” as two separate beings, each with their own valid wants and needs, which they alone are responsible for meeting. Insecure attachment happens when we lose that balance and become either overly self- or other-regulating: when we are insecurely attached, we tend to make others responsible for our emotional world, and let ourselves become responsible for the emotions of other people as well.
    • Insecure attachment is often rooted in shame at having needs and in not trusting ourselves to meet them. Insecure attachment encompasses both anxious and avoidant attachment styles:
      • If you are anxiously attached , you may feel as if no one will meet your needs or as if you don’t deserve to have them met.
      • If you’re avoidant , you may feel as if other people aren't good enough and that they can't meet your needs.
      • We often label ourselves and others as either “anxious” or “avoidant,” but most people move back and forth between the two throughout relationships in an attempt to find homeostasis (i.e., secure attachment)!
  3. Attachment styles are all the rage in pop psychology and on self-help social media, but in my opinion, they’re not always talked about with as much nuance and appreciation as they deserve. I often hear attachment styles only talked about in the context of romantic relationships with other adults, but this is where the theory has been really watered down: in reality, attachment theory refers to a caregiver and a caregivee, but a healthy adult relationship involves two adults who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and each other. Social media often waters it down without really honoring how complex it is.
    • While we often talk about attachment styles as if they’re set in stone, in fact, attachment styles are continually forming throughout life and any given situation. But those first eight months to three years of life are very foundational.
    • It’s important to remember that everyone—including people with secure attachment styles—has been hurt by their parents or caregivers at some point in their childhoods. This doesn’t always lead to insecurity in adulthood, and if it does, it’s always possible to adapt to the present moment, overcome your reaction, and develop a healthier response to your situation when needed.
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Section 7 of 8:

Insecurity FAQs

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  1. 1
    Is it bad to be insecure? Not necessarily—in fact, many people may not even know that they’re insecure until it happens. This is what makes it so complicated. They may not know how or when their anxiety or avoidant behavioral pattern may manifest. People do get stuck in destructive anxious/avoidant patterns sometimes, and secure people sometimes get stuck in relationships with insecure people whose patterns determine the relationship’s dynamic. But the truth is, we all deal with insecurity at some point, to some extent, and it’s because we’ve all experienced genuine suffering that we need to heal from. And healing is possible!
    • Anytime you're feeling insecure in a relationship, you've probably entered into the role of either caregiver or “caregivee” without being conscious of it, and just need to work on regulating your attachment.
    • If you're feeling any insecure attachment patterns come up, it’s time to ask yourself: have you made someone else responsible for taking care of your needs, or have you started prioritizing someone else’s needs over your own?
    • And remember, sometimes insecurity comes simply from trying something new or breaking out of your comfort zone—which is a good thing!
  2. 2
    Is “being insecure” the same thing as “having an insecure attachment style”? There’s a difference between being insecure and having an insecure attachment style, but they’re related. The general feeling of insecurity typically comes from either an inner or an environmental (outer) cue—for instance, you run into your ex with their new partner at the grocery store and experience a wave of insecurity. But when it comes to an insecure attachment style, there's always an event that causes that attachment style to get activated, like past trauma or a similar caregiver-caregivee moment in childhood that is meaningful for your growth.
  3. 3
    How can you tell what your attachment style is? To get a thorough understanding of what your attachment style might be, you can have a professional psychologist evaluate you. This isn’t feasible for many of us, but thankfully, there are research materials that you can find online and download. You can also get an idea of what your attachment style might be in your current situation with an online quiz—like this wikiHow quiz !
    • You may also be able to figure out your attachment style yourself just by observing what type of relationship you tend to attract and how you feel about it.
      • Do you tend to accept responsibility for your partner’s happiness and well-being, or make them responsible for yours? Or do you view yourself and your partner as separate selves, each with your own valid wants and needs?
  4. 4
    How do I know when my insecurity is debilitating? Insecurity becomes a problem when it starts affecting your day-to-day life. Debilitating insecurity can hamper your ability to enter a fulfilling and healthy relationship, or it can keep you stuck in destructive relationship patterns. It can keep you from putting yourself out there and applying for your dream job. It’s debilitating when it interferes with you becoming the most authentic and joyous version of yourself you can be!
  5. 5
    Is it a bad idea to date someone who’s insecure? Not necessarily. It’s not a good idea to proceed if you are foregoing your needs in any way, or if your intuition is telling you something is wrong. So, the short answer here is: trust your intuition.
    • Remember that anxious and avoidant behavioral patterns often show up strongly when you’re not a match emotionally, socially, or physically with another person.
  6. 6
    How can I support a friend or partner who’s struggling with insecurity? The most important way you can support someone who’s working through their insecurities is to hold your boundaries and keep being yourself. Extend grace toward them when they mess up in stressful circumstances, and reassure them you love them and are there for them—but remind them that you also need to look out for yourself too.
    • For instance, if they are feeling particularly insecure and a tad clingy, you can gently remind them: “I'm taking care of myself. You can take care of yourself, too.” Continue to make that the norm, without devaluing each other or each other's needs.
  7. 7
    Why do I suddenly get insecure sometimes? Insecurity is likely to rear its ugly head when we're either only thinking of ourselves or we're only thinking of other people. It usually happens unconsciously, but it often follows an event that activates our fight-or-flight mode: say you got fired, or you got into a fight with your partner. You’re likely to feel more insecure after that event, and maybe even whenever you think about it afterwards.
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Section 8 of 8:

Final Thoughts

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  1. If you’re struggling with insecurity, trust me when I say: there is hope. Insecurity usually results from the inability to trust yourself or see yourself. You might feel invisible and hidden from the world as if you’re walking around in a dark cloud and no one can hear or see you. Maybe you feel too ashamed to be your authentic self, but believe me: you’re not alone, and you can overcome your insecurity by practicing trusting yourself and your instincts .
    • It won’t happen overnight, and may take a lot of hard work—but it’s possible to do, and you’re worth the effort!


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