Why Is My Boyfriend Lying to Me? 10+ Reasons He's Not Telling the Truth

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Being lied to never feels great, especially when it’s someone you’re supposed to trust completely. Understanding why your boyfriend lies to you can help you address his dishonesty and work on your relationship together to establish trust. [1] In this article, we’ve detailed some of the reasons why your boyfriend might lie to you and how you can talk to him about it in a healthy, respectful way.

1

He’s trying not to hurt your feelings.

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    Sometimes, we tell white lies to avoid making someone upset. If your boyfriend lies to you about something little, like whether or not he likes the sweater you bought him, he might just be trying to save your feelings. Lies like these aren’t malicious, but they aren’t totally necessary, either. If you want your boyfriend to be honest with you, tell him that you don’t mind if your feelings get hurt a little bit as long as he’s honest with you. [2]
    • If he’s trying not to hurt your feelings, he might give short answers or try to change the subject quickly.
    • You might say something like, “Hey babe, do you actually like the sweater I got you? You can be honest—I want to make sure it’s something you really like so I know what to get you in the future.”
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2

He’s ashamed of a bad habit.

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    People often lie about things they don’t like about themselves. Maybe your boyfriend says he gave up cigarettes, but he secretly smokes them before bed. Or, maybe he’s trying to eat healthier, but he lies about the fast food he picks up on the way home. He’s probably lying because he doesn’t like what he’s doing, and he knows you wouldn’t like it, either. [3]
    • You might be able to tell he’s hiding something if he acts defensive toward a seemingly innocent question.
    • You can talk with your boyfriend about his bad habits in a non-accusatory way. For instance, you might say, “I noticed that you’ve been eating fast food again, even though you said you wouldn’t. Were you scared to tell me because you thought I might be disappointed?”
3

He doesn’t want you to get angry.

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    People often lie because they don’t want to deal with any consequences. If your boyfriend did something that he knows you’re going to be angry about, he might lie to you about it so you two don’t fight. He might be doing this because he doesn’t like confrontation or he just doesn't know how to handle negative emotions. You can talk to him about it by saying something like: [4]
    • “I need you to be honest with me, even if you think I might be angry. Our relationship has to be built on trust, and right now, I don’t feel like I can trust you.”
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4

He wants to keep something private.

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    In healthy relationships, partners are allowed to have privacy from each other. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can become an issue if he continuously lies about things he doesn't want you to find out. [5] You can talk to him about setting boundaries and making sure he feels like he has enough privacy in your relationship. It’s fine to set boundaries with your partner, but it becomes a problem if you keep secrets from each other. [6]
    • You could say something like, “I think I understand why you lied. I don’t think it was okay, but we should probably talk about privacy. Do you feel like you’re getting enough time to yourself in our relationship?”
5

He got used to lying during his childhood.

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    Your boyfriend might assume that he has to lie to you, too. When people have traumatic childhoods, they are sometimes punished for telling the truth or not taken seriously. If that’s the case, your boyfriend might have picked up a habit of lying from when he was younger, and he might just be doing it because he’s done it for a long time. [7]
    • You can approach your boyfriend about this by saying something like, “I know you had to lie a lot when you were little, and that wasn’t fair to you. However, it’s not fair to me to keep lying all the time, either.”
    • Trauma like this can be tough to work through without professional help. If this is your boyfriend’s issue, he may benefit from therapy.
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6

He wants to believe the lie he’s telling you.

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    People sometimes lie to make their own lives sound better. If your boyfriend tells you a lie that makes his life seem awesome (how much money he makes, how well he’s doing at his job, how many friends he has), he might be saying it because he wishes it was true. This doesn’t excuse the lie, but at least you know it didn’t come from a malicious place.
    • You can talk to him about a lie like this by saying, “Do you think you were dishonest about your job status because you wish you had a high-paying job? I can understand where you’re coming from, but I think it’s important that we tell each other the truth.”
7

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    People sometimes lie so they can control the narrative of their own life. If something doesn’t fit that narrative, they might bend the truth until it fits in. For instance, your boyfriend might get in a fight with his parents, but he doesn’t tell you about it because he wants to appear like he has a great relationship with them. This is another example of when lying isn’t malicious, but it can still be harmful.
    • You could talk to him about this by saying, “I know it can feel embarrassing to tell me things like this, but I’m your partner. I tell you everything about my life, even the stuff that I don’t feel great about.”
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8

He has money problems.

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    Your boyfriend may lie about his debt or his income. If that’s the case, it’s probably because he feels embarrassed by his money issues and he doesn’t want you to know about them. He might also lie about money because he thinks you might reject him if you knew the truth. Money is an important thing to talk about with a partner, especially if you are serious or you plan on being serious. Sit your boyfriend down and talk about his money issues to get everything out into the open. [8]
    • You might say something like, “I know money is a taboo subject for some people, but I think it’s important to talk about this. I’ve been honest about my finances; can you do the same?”
9

He’s hiding an addiction.

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    Unfortunately, people often lie about what they’re addicted to. No matter what he’s spending his time doing, he may lie to you to keep it from you so he can keep doing it. People also lie about their addictions out of shame, which could also be a factor. If you decide to confront your boyfriend about an addiction, keep in mind that he may need professional help to stop completely.
    • You could say something like, “Honey, I love you, but I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore. I think you have a problem, and you need serious help.”
    • Addicts often promise to stop lying, but then go behind your back anyway. Be sure to pay attention to his actions, not his words.
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10

He is cheating on you.

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    Unfortunately, partners sometimes lie because they’re being unfaithful. If your boyfriend is lying about where he’s going or who he is with, he could be cheating on you with someone else. There’s no need to jump to this conclusion, but you might want to look out for other red flags. [9] Signs that your partner might be cheating include:
    • He’s secretive about his phone
    • He calls or texts someone late at night
    • You can’t get ahold of him for long stretches at a time
    • He’s less intimate with you, both physically and emotionally
    • Reader Poll: We asked 281 wikiHow readers, and 67% of them agreed that the biggest sign that someone is being cheated on is if their partner frequently checks their phone or is secretive about their communication . [Take Poll]
11

He has issues with his mental health.

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    Lying is sometimes associated with mental health issues. For instance, if your boyfriend has ADHD, he might lie out of impulse or because he’s hiding a mistake he made. [10] If your boyfriend has borderline personality disorder, he might lie so that his life fits into the narrative he’s created for himself. [11] These are only 2 examples of mental illnesses that can result in lying, and it doesn’t necessarily mean your boyfriend has either one. However, if he lies a lot or feels like he can’t stop, he may need to consult a mental health professional.
    • Only a licensed professional can diagnose your boyfriend with a mental health issue. You can encourage him to make an appointment with a doctor or mental health professional if you think he needs to.
    • You might say something like, “Honey, I think you might have an issue with lying. I really think you would benefit from talking to a therapist to work out why you feel like you need to lie all the time.”
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      References

      1. ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 20 December 2019.
      2. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=528
      3. ↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/sex-intimacy/info-05-2012/pepper-schwartz-truth-about-lying.html
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201707/lying-in-relationships-3-steps-making-it-stop
      5. ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 20 December 2019.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201609/why-secrets-can-ruin-relationships
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/08/trauma-hiding#2
      8. ↑ https://www.aarp.org/money/credit-loans-debt/info-2020/financial-infidelity-causes-and-advice.html
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      1. ↑ https://www.understood.org/articles/en/adhd-and-lying-what-you-need-to-know
      2. ↑ https://jaapl.org/content/33/3/342

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