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Finding peace and happiness in an imperfect world
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Life can be beautiful, but it can also be difficult and overwhelming. If you're currently struggling, you may be asking yourself “why is my life so hard?” You're not alone–so many people have wondered the very same thing. Stressful circumstances, negative thought patterns, and not having a support system are common reasons why life can be difficult, and we'll cover many other reasons in this article so you can gain a better understanding of your current perspective. We also spoke to a clinical psychologist and two life coaches for tips on how to navigate hardships and learn healthy coping skills. Read on to hear what they have to say.
Things You Should Know
- Stressful circumstances, relationship conflicts, and poor physical or mental health can make life difficult.
- Issues like discrimination, the death of a loved one, or not having a support system in place can negatively impact how you look at the world.
- Reassessing your personal values and making changes in your life that line up with those values can help to change your perspective in a positive way.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Reasons Why Life Can Be Hard
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Stressful circumstances Everyone experiences stress from time to time, but many are unaware of how much it impacts quality of life. When you experience stress, your nervous system responds by sending a surge of adrenaline and cortisol through your body, also called the fight-or-flight response. When your stress is ongoing (like it often is in the modern world), your body is continually in this state, which makes it difficult to navigate life and make decisions. [1] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- When you feel stressed and need quick relief, clinical psychologist Dr. Elisha Goldstein says “taking deep slow breaths can help you calm down."
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Relationship conflict Relationships with friends, family, and significant others can affect your quality of life and how you experience the world around us. Some conflict is normal and even healthy in relationships, but navigating contentious and troubling relationships can seriously affect how you feel, the way you react to things, and the decisions you make in your life. [2] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Difficult relationships can also cause you to isolate yourself, and going it alone isn’t easy. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Leah Morris, life and relationship coach, recommends “assessing what it is about the relationship that's making it negative. Then, have an open dialogue with that person. If that’s not possible, focus your energy on relationships that are more positive and have a better impact on your life.”
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Lack of self-care Many people believe self-care is an indulgence rather than a need. Others get so busy with their relationships, careers, families, and hobbies that they simply don’t have time for consistent self-care. Whatever the reason, the end result is the same–you have no outlet to process stress in a healthy way. Stressors start piling up, your well-being tanks, and life feels overwhelming. [4] X Research source
- If you’re just starting to explore self-care , you might try things like meditating , visualization exercises, getting higher quality sleep , keeping a journal, and improving your diet.
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Mental health struggles Many people grapple with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Oftentimes these issues go untreated, and this can make it difficult for you to navigate life’s challenges and stressors. Even if you do receive mental health treatment, keeping these issues under control can be an ongoing struggle for many folks. [5] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Financial stress Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly helps when it comes to things like stability, comfort, and meeting your basic needs. Food, water, clothing, healthcare, and shelter all cost money, so if you’re struggling financially, it can also feel like you’re struggling just to survive. [6] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Financial stress can also create feelings of shame, isolation, and fear, and these feelings can make life feel even more challenging and overwhelming.
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Discrimination There are many types of discrimination–age, gender, race, disability, sexual orientation, and religion (to name a few). [7] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source Since most of these qualities are innate or impossible to change, being discriminated against because of them can make life quite difficult. There are also mental health struggles associated with experiencing discrimination, which can make things even more challenging for you.
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Lack of a support system When life gets rough, many people lean on friends, family, and mental health professionals to help them get through it. Even when things are going relatively well, a support system can be a major source of encouragement, stability, and positivity in life. But what if you don’t have friends or family, or you aren’t able to access mental health services? Unfortunately, without adequate support, life can feel really tough. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Negative thought patterns There are many types of negative thought patterns–all or nothing thinking, rumination, negative self-talk, jumping to conclusions, confirmation bias, and more. Over time, these harmful ways of thinking become automatic and habitual, and they can make it hard to feel good about yourself, make decisions, and progress in life. [9] X Research source
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Elisha Goldstein explains that, “the higher our emotions, the more convincing our thoughts feel. That's why with anxiety and depression, where we have negative thinking or worries, the [negative] thoughts seem so real.”
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Low self-esteem Poor-self esteem can negatively impact you in so many ways–you might devalue yourself, feel unable to set and achieve goals, fear rejection, and question your abilities. When you’re in this state of mind, nothing in life feels easy or good. It can be a lonely feeling, but so many people struggle with low self-esteem–you are not alone. Poor self-esteem is also something you can actively improve. [10] X Research source
- Reciting affirmations is an easy way to boost your confidence. Look at yourself in the mirror and say the words aloud for the biggest impact. You can also leave sticky notes with your favorite affirmations on your mirrors, doors, or devices.
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Lack of coping skills Everyone experiences hardships in life–there’s no way around that. If you have healthy coping mechanisms in place, you can handle pretty much anything life throws at you. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but you can handle it and find your way through. If you’re lacking healthy coping skills, though, even small obstacles can seem insurmountable. [11] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Resistance to change You’ve heard it before–the one constant in life is change. The world is constantly changing, and we have to change with it, or we’ll be left behind. That can be a tough pill to swallow, though, and it’s quite intimidating! It’s completely normal for change to be uncomfortable, but it’s important to adapt and find a way through. [12] X Research source
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Poor physical health Dealing with a chronic disease, disability, or terminal illness is already challenging on its own. On top of that, the people around you may not understand what you're going through, which can make you feel isolated and alone. All of this can affect you deeply and make life difficult, even at the best of times. [13] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Death of a loved one Handling the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life. Going through this trauma affects everything–your physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual health. Mourning looks different for everyone, but it’s so important to give yourself time and space to grieve so that you can move forward. [14] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
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Section 2 of 2:
What to Do When Life Gets Hard
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Clarify your values to help you figure out next steps. Spend some time thinking about what’s truly important to you. [15] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source According to life and relationship coach Leah Morris, “So often when we're feeling stuck, it's because our values and life have changed and we haven't caught up to what those are. We're using the old ways of doing things when we need to reassess and recognize what's important to us so that we can move forward in a better way.”
- Try listing your life goals to discover your personal values
. Be as clear as possible. Ask yourself questions like:
- What do you want to be in life or your career? What do you hope to accomplish? What experiences do you hope to have? How do you want to spend your time?
- For example, if having a closer relationship with your partner is important to you, you might reassess your current work-life balance. Reducing how much overtime you work during the week and scheduling a date night with your partner every weekend would give you more chances to bond.
- If physical fitness is a meaningful goal for you, look for new ways to fit workouts into your schedule. You could go for a power walk every night after dinner instead of turning on Netflix or the news. Or consider finding a job closer to home so you aren't spending 2 hours a day commuting–then, use that extra time to hit the gym.
- Try listing your life goals to discover your personal values
. Be as clear as possible. Ask yourself questions like:
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Change your perspective to help you adjust. Identify the habits and thought patterns that are currently holding you back and preventing you from thriving. How can you adjust them to change your perspective ? Try to take a step back and look at things objectively, then reframe your hardships and question self-defeating thoughts to create new narratives. [16] X Research source Ask yourself questions like:
- Are my thoughts about this actually true? What steps can I take right now to potentially change the situation? Is there a lesson I can learn from this at the end of the day?
- For example, if you get turned down for a promotion, you might tell yourself that you didn't deserve it because you're bad at your job. Do the facts back that up, though? Your most recent performance review was positive and your boss said that a promotion just wasn't in the budget right now. Instead of assuming you're the problem, ask your boss about the possibility of a future promotion and how to secure it. If your boss won't commit, perhaps it's the perfect time to take your talent elsewhere.
- Life coach Taylor Rochestie says, "When adversity hits, a lot of people turn to a reactive type of emotion, or reactive type of feeling. You can change that to have a proactive or active type of response because adversity will come, and it's something that you can prepare for. I believe that adversity gives us our best chance to inspire, and helps to define who we are."
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Develop healthy coping strategies to deal with stress. Instead of internalizing your stress or trying to power through it, make it a point to deal with it head-on. First, identify what's causing your stress and take steps to change it (if you can). Make time to get regular exercise, which can boost your mood and give you more energy. Spending time on your hobbies can be a great way to decompress and take your mind off things. Explore relaxing activities like meditation, mindfulness, and yoga that you can turn to in times of stress. [17] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Coping strategies aren't one size fits all–it can take a little experimentation to figure out what works best for you. That said, simple changes like prioritizing sleep and eating a healthy diet will always net positive results.
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Practice gratitude. Actively being grateful for the good things in your life can help you look at the world differently, feel more creative, and reduce feelings of negativity and anxiety. Try to set aside 5 minutes a day to jot down 3 things that you’re grateful for. Be as specific as you can. If making a list doesn’t work for you and you’d prefer something long form, try starting a gratitude journal . [18] X Research source
- Life coach Taylor Rochestie says, "I like to believe what you seek is what you'll find. If you're actively seeking ways to be thankful, your mind is filled with positive types of feelings, positive emotions, positive thoughts, and positive words."
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Avoid comparing yourself to others. Do you ever feel like other people have it easier than you do, or that they seem to have no problems? First, try to remember that comparison is the thief of joy. Everyone is unique and that's a good thing. Second, everyone has problems! Many people choose to keep their struggles private, and this is doubly true on social media. People tend to broadcast the good stuff and omit the bad, so social media is not a true depiction of their lives. [19] X Research source Other folks have excellent coping strategies in place to help them deal with obstacles, so they may seem perpetually unbothered on the outside (despite having problems). Working on your own coping skills can help a lot.
- Many people believe that life gets harder as you age, but studies show that the opposite is true. Older individuals report feeling less negative emotions and more positive ones than younger people. Their life satisfaction is higher, as well. [20] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Work with a therapist if you’re still struggling. Therapy is a safe, judgment-free space where you can explore issues, both past and present, so you can gain a better understanding of yourself. A therapist can also help you identify negative patterns, teach you healthy coping skills, and suggest effective ideas for self-care that are specific to you and your situation.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about changing negative thinking patterns, check out our in-depth interview with Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D .
References
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/06/news-pandemic-stress-decision-making
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/health
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/ce-corner-isolation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-deeper-wellness/202302/understanding-the-mental-health-and-self-care-connection
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22295-mental-health-disorders
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/economic-stress
- ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/oeeowe/faqs/discrimination.htm
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921311/
- ↑ https://sdlab.fas.harvard.edu/cognitive-reappraisal/identifying-negative-automatic-thought-patterns
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem#low-self-esteem-and-quality-of-life
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4928741/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truisms-wellness/201701/why-we-resist-change
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/4062-chronic-illness
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2023/02/how-to-find-define-and-use-your-values
- ↑ https://news.stanford.edu/report/2021/09/15/mindsets-clearing-lens-life/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/12/pc
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nudging-ahead/202211/the-power-gratitude
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201803/how-stop-comparing-yourself-others
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5369238/
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