Why Your Husband Looks at Other Women Online

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Plus, how to talk to him about it
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If you’ve stumbled upon your husband (or boyfriend) looking at photos of other women on social media or other popular online platforms, it’s reasonable to feel confused, upset, or even betrayed. While it’s possible that this is a sign he’s compensating for something missing in your relationship, know that this is very common and may not be a bad sign. In this article, we’ll walk through why men do this, what it probably means to him, and what you can do to articulate your boundaries and put an end to this behavior if that’s what you want.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, founder of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • If he’s casually looking at women on social media, he’s probably just admiring their beauty without getting emotionally invested.
  • If he’s obsessively looking at pornography or he’s uniquely fascinated with one woman, it could be a sign of an addiction or emotional infidelity.
  • Talk to your husband about his viewing habits to identify why he’s looking at these photos and explain how his behavior makes you feel.
Section 1 of 3:

Reasons Your Husband Looks at Women Online

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  1. If you’ve ever looked at a photo of a hot guy and just admired him, that could be exactly what your husband is doing. He could have zero emotional connection to the person he’s looking at—even if you find that especially unlikely. For some guys, a cute girl is just a cute girl and that’s it. [1]
    • If your husband tells you he was just looking at an attractive woman and that’s it and he doesn’t have a history of lying or going behind your back, you’re probably safe to believe him.
  2. Did you catch him scrolling through social media photos of an old girlfriend or someone he used to know? This could be his way of acting out a relationship with the “one who got away,” but the odds are much higher this is just benign curiosity. Social media is an awesome way to check up on old friends, so he might just be checking in. [2]
    • With that said, it’s probably a cause for concern if he seems uniquely infatuated with a woman he knows or dated in the past. It isn’t reasonable for your husband to keep “checking in” on someone multiple times a week, for example.
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  3. It’s possible that he just simply doesn’t understand why this would be upsetting. He may be so secure in your relationship that he’s confident that looking at women online couldn’t possibly impact his marriage with you. [3]
    • This is especially likely to be the case if he isn’t really hiding what he’s doing.
  4. If this has been an ongoing concern of yours and he just seems like he can’t stop looking at naked women online, he may be struggling with a compulsion. Pornography addiction is a serious issue for a lot of men and he may need help dealing with it . Luckily, by seeking treatment in the form of therapy and confronting the problem head-on, he may be able to change. [4]
    • It can be just as difficult to deal with a pornography addiction as it can be to deal with any other kind of addiction. It will take time, effort, and a whole lot of self-work.
  5. Emotional cheating refers to a sustained, secretive closeness and intimacy with someone outside of your relationship. If he is fantasizing about being with the woman he’s looking at online and his thoughts and emotions are falling outside the scope of empty fantasy, he may be seriously straying from the tenets of your marriage. [5]
    • He could be physically cheating on you with this person too, but it’s relatively unlikely if he’s looking at photos. Still, it could be worth looking into if he exhibits other signs he’s cheating .
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Section 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Husband

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  1. Ask your husband if you two can talk and approach the conversation in a calm, productive way . Tell him how you feel and ask him to honestly explain why he’s looking at other women online. If you aren’t comfortable with it, ask him to stop. [6]
  2. Using “I” Language will keep the conversation from feeling like a confrontation or an attack, and it prioritizes the way you personally feel, which is important. By framing the convo around your experience (as opposed to his action), you’ll have an easier time getting him to empathize with you. [7]
    • As an example, instead of, “You aren’t even interested in me anymore,” you could say, “I feel unattractive and unwanted when I don’t get the same attention these photos do.”
    • Instead of saying something like, “You are cheating on me with these women online” say, “I feel unloved when you look at these women online.”
  3. For a lot of people, it’s really not about the photos—it’s about what the photos signal. You might feel like he’s not giving you the attention you need, or like this means something is “off” in your relationship. Address these feelings together and don’t leave anything out.
    • For example, maybe you wouldn’t be so upset by the photos if you didn’t already feel like you two were drifting apart. You might say, “You know, it just feels like another signal that we aren’t clicking the way we used to.”
  4. If you don’t feel comfortable straight up asking him to stop, you can always request that he keeps his viewing private and uncommon. Your husband should have no problem agreeing to this line. [8]
    • Whether or not it’s reasonable to ask him to stop entirely depends on the terms of your relationship. If you two generally allow one another a ton of autonomy and space, this may be an unreasonable ask. On the other hand, if you two often set clear boundaries for one another, it’s a reasonable request.
  5. If he has a serious problem looking at pornography or photos/videos of other women, it’s okay to set a hardline expectation that he gets help. If he refuses to change willingly and this is dramatically impacting your relationship, it may be time to consider a separation . This may be the wakeup call he needs to finally change. [9]
    • This is a nuclear option, but it’s okay to take this step if you can no longer feel safe and secure in your relationship.
  6. If, after some reflection, you don’t actually think this is a big deal, it’s totally okay to just leave your husband to his own devices. This may also be the ideal option if you ask your husband what’s going on and he gives you an open, convincing answer that indicates he’s not that invested in the photos he peruses. [10]
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Section 3 of 3:

Is it normal for married men to look at other women?

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  1. Basically everybody will come across photos of attractive people online at some point—even if they aren’t seeking it out on purpose. When it comes to lewd photographs or porn, that’s pretty common as well. Roughly 70% of men will look at this stuff when they’re in a relationship, so this is very ubiquitous behavior. [11]
    • There’s a difference between just looking at someone, and ogling them in front of you in a way that’s disrespectful.
    • The fact that this is relatively normal does not mean you’re wrong for being suspicious or upset. Every relationship has different rules, norms, and boundaries; if he has violated one of them, this is not okay.
  2. You two are married, and the strength and depth of your bond is more powerful than some random photo on the internet. But that doesn’t mean your husband can’t possibly find someone else attractive, and that’s totally okay! It’s the same for you, right? Think about it. Do you get a little flushed watching a Ryan Gosling film or an Usher video? That doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband or find him attractive! [12]
    • With that said, it’s not a free pass to just look at whatever he wants. If he’s watching some really intense pornography, it’s harming your relationship, or he’s looking at photos he shouldn’t be looking at (like of children, or nudes of other women he knows IRL), that’s not okay.
  3. Even if looking at photos on their own isn’t necessarily harmful, it is a problem if he continues to do something that hurts you. It doesn’t really matter what other men do or what’s “natural”—your husband shouldn’t do things that make you suffer and that’s it. [13]
    • Try to not read too much into this if it’s the first time something like this has ever come up in your relationship. He may not have known he was doing anything problematic or upsetting.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-intelligence/201707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201109/advice-he-keeps-helping-his-ex
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200509/advice-how-handle-cheat
      4. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200509/advice-how-handle-cheat
      6. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
      8. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/should-you-ever-give-an-ultimatum-in-a-relationship#are-ultimatums-healthy
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-intelligence/201707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/202109/cheating-and-masculinity
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/200501/advice-he-likes-porn
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/200501/advice-he-likes-porn

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