How to Get Your Girlfriend Back After You Broke Up

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Dating coaches share how to make things right and rekindle the flame
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Is a breakup really the end? Not always. Sometimes, a relationship is worth fighting for, but how can you show her that it’ll work this time around and win her back? It takes a lot of self-reflection and plenty of patience, but it’s possible. We talked to relationship counselors, matchmakers, and breakup coaches to help you decide if you should win her back , how to do it , and how to have a healthy relationship the second time.

How do you get your girlfriend back?

Dating coach Courtney Quinlan recommends going no-contact for about 6 months and improving yourself during that time. If you feel things can still work out, text her to meet up and focus on building a friendship first. Show her that things have changed and have an honest chat about your expectations this time around.

Section 1 of 4:

Deciding if You Should Get Her Back

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  1. Relationship coach Amy Chan tells us that breakups are like a drug withdrawal: you crave what you can’t have. [1] It’s natural to feel that way after breaking up with someone, but it’s important to ask yourself if you really want to get back together or if you just miss the comfort and company. Before you make a move, reflect on some of these questions to help you sort out your thoughts.
    • Do I want my ex specifically, or do I want something someone else could provide? There are other people who could give me attention, companionship, and love. What about her is special, if anything?
    • Do I want my ex back because I’m afraid of being alone? If so, there are other people who can help me.
    • Do I want her back because I’m embarrassed about the breakup or about being single? If so, almost everyone goes through breakups, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship.

    Courtney Quinlan is a Matchmaker and Dating Coach specializing in finding compatible partners, providing guidance throughout the dating process, and crafting events for singles.

    Michele Fields is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and owner of Bon Jour Matchmaking. She specializes in helping others meet people and navigate relationships.

    Michelle Jacoby is a Matchmaker and Dating Coach specializing in one-on-one matchmaking and group coaching to help singles find healthy, lasting relationships.

  2. Matchmaker and dating coach Courtney Quinlan tells us that getting an ex back “depends a lot on the situation as far as why [you] broke up.” [2] The relationship ended for a reason, and if you don’t address that reason, it might just end again for the same reason. Ask yourself why you broke up, and if things have changed, or if they can change. That will help you decide if you have a chance to succeed.
    • For example, if you broke up because you have different religious beliefs, that’s a big hurdle to overcome. It’s not fair to ask her to change her beliefs, and unless you’re willing to change yours, it might be better to move on.
    • On the other hand, if you broke up because you did something wrong, and now you’ve put in the work to change as a person and can prove it, it might be worth trying again.
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  3. Why 6 months? Chan tells us that’s about how long it takes to heal from a broken heart. [3] After 6 months, if you still want her back, then it might be worth going for. But after 6 months, you might realize that you’re in a better place and that you’re ready to move on. Also, if you try to get her back too early, before she’s ready, you might only hurt your chances.
    • Go no contact for a while. Don’t text or call her, and block her on social media so you’re not tempted to reach out.
    • This also gives her the chance to reflect on the relationship and ask herself if it’s worth reigniting. Keep in mind that she might move on or find someone else, and that’s her right.
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Section 2 of 4:

Winning Her Back

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  1. Quinlan says to focus on growing while you keep your distance, look inward, and focus on yourself. [4] It’s not that you’re not good enough, but if you grow and evolve during your time apart, you might catch her eye. Also, you’ll become healthier and happier for your own sake. Take time to focus on yourself : Reconnect with your favorite hobbies, hang out with friends, and refamiliarize yourself with who you are apart from your relationship.
    • If you broke up because of a struggle you had, like with alcohol or certain behaviors, focus on tackling that struggle. The relationship won’t work again if the problem isn’t fixed. See a therapist if you’re not sure where to start.
    • Don’t be afraid to be on your own . This is your chance to explore your freedom, meet new people, and do things you couldn’t do in your relationship, like travel or flirt with strangers. Have some fun!
    • Consider starting a workout plan to get in better shape , which can help you improve your mental game while also making you more physically attractive if she likes fit guys.
  2. 2
    Contact her with a phone call or text to reconnect. Quinlan warns against coming on too strong, which could push her away. [5] Instead, after 6 months, send her a text or call her to reconnect. This keeps it casual, low-key, and no-pressure, and she can decide whether or not she wants to respond in her own time. When you do, choose one of these strategies:
    • Make it no-fuss and casual by asking her a question about something, like, “Hey! It’s been a minute, I just wanted to ask how your friend was doing. Last I heard, she was sick, and I wanted to know if I could help.”
    • Or, be up-front and honest about your intention, which helps build trust. Say, “I’ve been thinking a lot these past months, and I hate how things turned out. Would you be down to talk?”
    • Choose the first option if you split on decent, friendly terms. Choose the second option if the breakup was more dramatic.
  3. 3
    Invite her somewhere public to casually reconnect and catch up. Matchmaker and dating coach Michele Fields tells us to “feel her out” about what she thinks of the relationship ending. [6] To do that, invite her to hang out somewhere you can talk, but also somewhere public and comfortable, like a cafe or casual restaurant. Make it clear that you just want to catch up and talk, and that you don’t expect anything to happen (but don’t lie about your intentions).
    • For example, say, “I really regret how things ended between us, and I don’t want it to stay that way. Would you be down to meet up and talk about it? I’ll pay.”
    • Or, “I don’t expect us to get back together if you don’t feel that way, but I do value you and want you in my life. Can we talk for a little while?”
  4. Relationship counselor Kelli MIller, LCSW, MSW, tells us to apologize, and to “follow up with actions.” [7] Showing her you’ve reflected on the relationship and are prepared to learn from previous mistakes will demonstrate that you’re serious and willing to change. This way, she’ll be more likely to reconsider the relationship. You might say something like, for example, “I’ve thought about why we broke up, and I know part of it was because I was always slacking on my responsibilities to you, and I’d like to change that.”
    • Admitting to what you may have done wrong will help show that you care enough about the relationship to take responsibility and that you’re not just trying to get back together for superficial reasons.
    • Make sure you’re following through and not just talking a big game. If things ended because you were always flaking on things, make it a point to show up to your meetings early, for example.
    • Also, be receptive to her response. She might not be ready to accept an apology or even to meet up again, and that’s okay. That’s your sign to ease up and focus on other things.
  5. This is crucial! Instead of diving right back into a relationship, stay platonic for a while (maybe 4-6 months). This helps you feel out the situation and decide if getting together again is a good idea, or if you both still have things you need to work through. [8] You might find that things have indeed changed and you get along well, in which case, go for it!
    • Or, you might find that you actually work better as friends, which is also okay!
    • On the other hand, you might find that you’re just not compatible, in which case, finding that out as friends is much better than finding it out as a recommitted couple.
    • If she’s dating someone else, don’t try to come crashing in on the relationship. Wait until she’s not seeing someone to reconnect.
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Section 3 of 4:

Restarting the Relationship

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  1. If, after a few months of being friends, things are going well and you don’t see any issues, then you can consider being romantic again. [9] Make your intentions clear without pressuring her. This is your chance to show her you’ve changed as a romantic partner and that you’re ready to do things right this time.
    • For example, say, “I’ve been thinking, and I feel like we’re different people than we used to be, and that this could work if we gave it another shot. Would you be okay with that?”
    • Again, respect her answer and back off if it makes her uncomfortable. There’s no point pressuring her into something she doesn’t want.
  2. Relationship coach Michelle Jacoby tells us that “You can't just sweep it under the rug and hope things are going to change. You have to make sure that they change in order to have a different outcome.” [10] If the two of you decide to give the relationship another try, have a clear game plan in place to help you move forward.
    • Determine specifically what each of you needs and wants from the relationship. Ask, “What do you feel like you weren’t getting before?” and “What can we do to help you get that from the relationship?” Similarly, tell her what it is you need—without being accusatory—and figure out how the two of you can help you get that.
    • Set reasonable expectations about your responsibility for attending to those needs and wants.
    • Resolve to talk—a lot. Periodically check in with each other about the relationship and your satisfaction levels. Addressing these issues head-on is particularly important for a relationship that comes with prior baggage.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 152 wikiHow readers who've dealt with conflict in a relationship, and 56% of them agreed that the most crucial step in rebuilding trust is open and honest communication . [Take Poll]
  3. Every relationship has issues, and you can’t expect things to be perfect this time around, either. When you run into an issue, stay calm and address it right away. Life and relationship coach Lisa Shield recommends couples therapy, which can help you and your partner stay on the same page. [11] Couple’s therapy is a great idea, even if you haven’t run into problems yet.
    • When you notice a problem or point of tension, say, “I’ve noticed that we’re having a little trouble with this. How can we figure this out?”
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Section 4 of 4:

What Not to Do with Your Ex

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  1. Don’t force a new relationship, and don’t ignore the warning signs. Jacoby reminds us that you can’t just try again without any changes and hope for a different outcome. [12] Don’t push forward or ignore the red flags and warning signs. Be open to the idea that this may not work, but it may be worth trying. To avoid repeating disaster, avoid these temptations:
    • Begging for her to come back or blowing up her phone.
    • Pretending your ex is perfect, or that they’re blameless. The same goes for you.
    • Making big gestures to win her back, like showering her with gifts.
    • Stalking or sabotaging her current relationship.
    • Rushing into romance or sex to “lock her down.”
    • Playing “hard to get,” which sends the wrong signals.
    • Bringing up old issues just to hurt her.

Join the Discussion...

Have you ever gotten back with an ex? Is it a bad idea?
WikiFerretRunner863
WikiFerretRunner863
My ex and I broke up a little less than a year ago. It was tough but we both moved on and have been on good terms since then, but lately we have been flirting more and I'm entertaining the idea of asking her out again. Is this a bad idea? I know getting back with an ex is not always wise but how do you know when you both just need a second chance to get things right? Would love to hear from people who did this and how it turned out.
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
I think people breakup for many reasons. Sometimes it's because they’re not ready for the type of commitment that was required of them in that relationship; sometimes they need to grow personally or the partner needs to grow personally. People change and people grow, and in retrospect they might look back and say, “Wow, I had a really great partner, and now I feel like I'm able to step up and meet their needs.” You absolutely could fall back in love with somebody that went through a process like that and came back to your life.
WikiSalamanderCatcher845
WikiSalamanderCatcher845
If you and your ex can be honest with each other about 1. What the problem was with your relationship, 2. What has changed since your relationship, and 3. What will be different in this new relationship (with concrete, actionable steps), then I think you have a decent shot! When I got back together with my ex, who is now my wife, we literally wrote up a plan and scheduled regular check-ins with each other so we could have a really good grasp on the health of our relationship. Communication is key!
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  • Question
    What are the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    It's obvious, but the first sign of an unhealthy relationship is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Another sign of an unhealthy relationship is when two people are not communicating what they're feeling to each other. A relationship also may be unhealthy if you find yourself constantly questioning the relationship or comparing your relationship to others.
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  • Question
    Can you fix a broken relationship?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    You can, but it takes time and you need to be patient. Try to explore all that's going on in your relationship in an open and honest way. You can find a really beautiful new beginning in your relationship if you are honest about what has been missing in your relationship and what you want to change.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      Tips

      • Understand that sometimes keeping an ex in the past is the best possible option. No matter how much the breakup may have hurt, getting back together can sometimes be even worse.
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      • Think carefully about whether you really want to get back together, and if you fail, realize that you may in fact have saved yourself a lot of potential grief.
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      • If your ex was abusive in any way, it’s best to move forward and protect your own well-being, no matter how much you may miss the past.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • If you and your ex decide to get back together, take things slow. Check in with your girlfriend every week to make sure her needs are being met, and make sure you tell her when something is bothering you. Communication is the key to a healthy and successful relationship!
      • If your ex girlfriend is dating someone, focus on being a good friend to her—instead of sabotaging her new relationship. This can help you gain her respect and possibly reconnect with her in the future.
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      References

      1. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Courtney Quinlan. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Courtney Quinlan. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Courtney Quinlan. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Michele Fields. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202410/should-you-get-back-together-with-your-ex
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202410/should-you-get-back-together-with-your-ex
      1. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Lisa Shield. Life & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview

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