Call them out Emotional blackmailers love to blame others for things they didn’t do. Tell them to accept responsibility for their own actions instead of putting it on you. Examples: “It’s not my fault you didn’t close your garage door. I’m sorry some people took things from you, but you need to take responsibility for your own negligence.” “I refuse to take responsibility for your actions. I’m sorry you ran out of gas, but you need to take initiative and remember to fill up before you get on the highway.” Talk to them about how their behavior impacts you Focused solely on their own emotions, emotional blackmailers are often unaware of how their behavior affects others. Use this template to express your emotions: “When ______, it makes me feel ______.” Examples: “When you say your mistakes are my fault, it makes me feel unnecessary guilt and like I’m walking on eggshells when you’re around. You have to take responsibility for your own actions.” “When you say I don’t care about your feelings, I feel hurt and confused. Of course I care about you, but I can’t do everything you want all the time.” Use “I” statements Express your feelings by beginning your sentences with “I feel” or “I think” to reduce the risk of their becoming defensive. Examples: “I feel like you’re trying to blame me for your own misunderstanding.” “I feel confused that you’re trying to pretend like your mistake was my fault.” Use non-defensive communication Emotional blackmailers are defensive and often make comments that escalate conflicts. Non-defensive communication (spoken in a neutral tone) will keep you from getting hooked into their escalation game. Tips: * Take turns speaking * Don’t jump on opportunities to deny their criticisms * Don’t make accusations * Don’t use their bad behavior as an excuse to behave the same way * Avoid passive-aggressive tones or sayings Examples: “I can see you are upset.” “I’m sorry you’re angry.” “Let’s talk about it when you’re not so heated about the situation.” “I can understand how you might see it that way.” Be an ally Ask them to help you solve the issues in your relationship. This will put you both on the same team and foster an open discussion about expressing needs and effective communication styles. Examples: “I feel like we’re having trouble communicating and I want to make it better so our relationship can be better. Can we work together to find a solution?” “I feel afraid to say no to you and express my needs, and that’s not okay. Can we sit down and talk about how we can communicate more effectively so both of us can feel heard?”