wikiHow Staff: Why would someone attract narcissists? Or what personality traits do narcissists find attractive? Kelli Miller: Typically, narcissists attract borderline personality disorder. There's kind of a little bit of that push pull, and why they attract that. To be honest narcissists can attract all different types of people. But I imagined that they're going to attract people who are very insecure and the narcissist sort of presents kind of this grandiosity, which maybe makes them feel safe in a way, even though it's like a false illusion, because typically, narcissists are very insecure, but they're putting on this front. And I think there's a little bit of this false safety with that, why people are initially attracted to that. wikiHow Staff: What are some things that a narcissist may typically say in an argument or in response to sort of high emotionally tense situations? Kelli Miller: Sure. So narcissists tend to have a sense of entitlement. They're going to think that they are right in every argument. So there's going to be a lot of defensiveness, there's not going to be any empathy for the other person's feelings. There's going to be resentment. There might be some gaslighting, things like that, because narcissists really believe that, you know, that they are the most important thing, that nobody else can really compete with that. So it's going to be a very difficult argument to have with a narcissist, because they're not going to be able to see somebody else's point of view. wikiHow Staff: How would you suggest to someone ending a relationship with a narcissist, some tips or things to be aware of, if you want to get out of that relationship? Kelli Miller: I think the first thing is knowing that it's going to be difficult. That's the first step is okay, this is going to be challenging. Yeah. But that shouldn't stop you. If you are not happy in the relationship. But you know, I think that understanding so the first thing would be just educating yourself about somebody with a narcissistic personality disorder, understanding a little bit more some you know, how to approach it yourself and employ to make more sense to you. But I think that you know, maybe try to personalize it as much as you can. Just kind of saying that, you know, this relationship isn't working for me. Because I worry that if you kind of point out a narcissist's flaws, and it's only going to blow up, and I'm not sure it's going to be the best way to enter the relationship. So I think it's going to be a lot of I statements, you know, I feel this relationship just is not working for me or on my happiness and this, rather than getting into the specifics and details about why the narcissist isn't a good partner. wikiHow Staff: Can you help a narcissist see or understand your point of view? Kelli Miller: Yeah, this is challenging too. I think the best way would be to do something called reflective listening, if your narcissistic partner would be open to that, you know, just having them kind of reflect back on what you're feeling. Because typically narcissists, as I mentioned, don't have a sense of empathy. So it's really difficult, but they can validate what you're feeling by just repeating back so you may just say, hey, look, can you just, you know, would you be able to just repeat back how I was feeling, but there has to be this expectation that they just think they just can't have that same empathy. But yeah, they'd be open to doing that reflective listening and validating, as best. But also trying to just sort of say ‘can you just imagine what it would be like if you were in my shoes? How would you feel? That would be the only way for them to understand what empathy is. wikiHow Staff: What are some noticeable cheating patterns for narcissists? Kelli Miller: I think there's just this idea that they're allowed to cheat, because, you know, they have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. In their mind, the rules just do not apply to them. Narcissists really believe that they are better than other people. It's like a delusion. And so, therefore, they get privileges that others may not have. And then I think it's also that, yeah, and typically, narcissists have fantasies of infinite success and control. So, there may be some controlling tendencies that you might see with that partner, which would be another clue. And then that could be other things as well. And then you're going to see that narcissists seek admiration all the time. So, one partner may not be known, so they may be seeking other partners to get that validation and admiration. wikiHow Staff: Is there a level of secrecy? Kelli Miller: Yeah, I don't even know if they have that much awareness. Some might; narcissism is a scale, right? So some may, but some may not feel like they're even really doing anything wrong. wikiHow Staff: How can you effectively use the grey rock method on a narcissist? Kelli Miller: So, to be totally honest, I'm not sure I've heard of that. I imagine that, with a narcissist, they like to engage, right, so they want that fuel. And if you’re limiting your responses, there's no fuel to the fire. So, I think that would be helpful and just kind of walking away or not engaging. wikiHow Staff: How can you tell if your mom is a narcissist? Kelli Miller: Narcissism is a spectrum. And there's also a difference between somebody who is a narcissist, and somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder. So a narcissist can have some of those traits and not necessarily be NPD. But typically, how do you know I mean, only a trained professional would be able to tell for sure. So, typically, if you see these traits, it may be likely that your mom is one. So, this grandiose sense of importance, like an obsession with success, or control or beauty. There's kind of like that fixation. There's this idea that this person is extraordinary and exceptional. And you know, that this person can only be understood by other exceptional and extraordinary people, like the layperson can't quite get them. There's that desire for admiration. There's a sense of entitlement. There is no empathy. There's just a lack of empathy. There's resentment towards others. And there's egotistical, conceited behavior. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, and sort of a follow up with that is, you know, from the perspective of maybe a younger child, or someone who is still very much, maybe living at home, or sees their parents as definitely an authority figure, for obvious reasons. How, like, where does that as you said it to, you know, narcissism, obviously, on a spectrum, but like, that distinction between seeing your parent as someone you need to follow and respect if or versus actually, it's like, even past that? I guess it wasn't really a question, I guess. But that's just like a thought that comes to mind for that power. Kelli Miller: It’s kind of like being a light and polite pet. Yes, you're going to respect your parents, because they're your parents, but also recognize that you may be dealing with somebody who has narcissism, and that they're going to exhibit these behaviors. knowing that it doesn't have anything to do with you, that you didn't do anything wrong, so just do not internalize bad behavior, balance respecting your parents, because there's a parent, but also not taking every action that your parent does to mean something about you. wikiHow Staff: Now, I have some agree or disagree statements. The first one is that ambiguity frightens arrogant people, because it suggests imperfection, change and lack of certainty. Kelli Miller: I probably agree with that. I think that's true. wikiHow Staff: People are often trying to hide certain vulnerabilities and fears. Kelli Miller: Yeah, true.