Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s nice to be here. You have a beautiful city. Someone actually told me on my way over here that this is a walking city. People here like to walk…everywhere they go. I totally didn’t believe them when they said it. I thought, there’s no way that people in a big city would rather walk. That’s what I told the guy. And he said, “No, it’s true. Because there’s so much traffic. There’s so much smog and exhaust in the traffic, people would rather walk.” [Pause and look at the audience incredulously.] So, let me get this straight. Rather than be in your car, the windows rolled up, sitting there in your upholstered seat…some good tunes on the radio, windows rolled up…people would rather get out of the car and walk through the smog. The guy I was talking to sort of stopped for a second and looked at me in a funny way. Then, he said, “Well, sir. If everyone did it, there would be no more smog.” [Pause] “That’s true,” I said. And, of course, I followed up with the most logical question. I said, “So, does everyone walk?” And his reaction was kind of perfect, because he was my cab driver, so this is what he said. He looks at me in the rear view mirror, stopped in traffic. He looks at me and he says, “Do I look like I’m walking? Are you crazy?” [Pause for laughter] So, I went to the movies, last week. I went to see that new action movie…you know. The one that’s in 3D. It’s all visually stunning and has great action. [Wait for audience feedback] No…that one with the people that can fly and fight at the same time. You know, with the robots and the ninjas and the really angry guy who gets all huge when he’s mad. [Wait for more feedback] No…no, I’m thinking of “Ultrashark versus the Supersquid”. [Pause for laughter] Yeah. That came out in 3D. [Pause] No. Come on. Seriously. They didn’t release that at the theaters. Anyway, so I went to see the new Batman movie. It was awesome. I mean, how can you even expect anything like that not to be awesome? And you have to buy something before you go into the movie. You know. You have to buy the super huge soda, and some candy and popcorn. Right? You know what I mean, right? That soda is so huge. I think their plan is to make you absolutely have to go to the bathroom so bad that you miss half of the movie. You know. You’re sitting there…the bad guy just tragically killed the good guy’s best friend. And then the good guy gets really furious, and they have that cutaway scene where he’s getting ready for war. He has to load magazines for his gun, which is always fantastic, because they never run out of bullets. I’ve always wanted to just stop for a second and ask, “Hey, so is that magazine legal in any state? Do they even make those in real life? Or is it magical?” And you get through the cutaway scene and the good guy and his groupies are all walking in slow motion through fire, or smoke, or rain…and then boom, something explodes and they’re fighting and… Oh. There it is. I wish I would have planned for this about a thousand ounces of diet soda ago. Because it doesn’t just slowly come on, right? That urge to pee. It doesn’t kind of make its way in there and you feel it building. No. It’s like, hey, man…we need to go! Like, now! And the good guy and the bad guy start facing off and stuff. They’re all angry, and they punch each other so many times that any normal person would have had brain hemorrhaging. There are people getting shot and blown up. The tank rolls up and starts toppling buildings. It’s the height of the action…and you can’t stay any longer. Nope. The good part is just about to reach climax, but you can stay. You either sit in the chair and watch something amazing happen and wet yourself, or you miss the best part. It’s a conspiracy. It’s a conspiracy by the theaters to get you to pay eight dollars for a soda, make you go to the bathroom at the best part of the movie, and then have to come back to see it again so you can watch the best part. Except it’s a vicious circle, because they know you’re going to forget and be tempted by that body-sized soda the next time you go to the movies, too. Downloaded from http://www.wikihow.com