Download Article
Download Article
School can be tough. Having a group or a few select friends there can make the entire experience more worthwhile. Making great friends in school can seem like an impossible feat. However, with a few tricks in tow, you can learn to make more friends and even have others gravitate to you.
Steps
-
Make eye contact. If you're shy, it can be hard to meet others' eyes. But doing this can make the difference in others gravitating toward you to make conversation, or being put off by your energy.
- The correct ratio of eye contact depends on the person, the context, and any cultural factors. Still, maintaining eye contact between 30 and 60% of the time during conversation is preferable. Typically, you must hold eye contact more when you are listening than when speaking. [1] X Research source
-
Smile. Smiling doesn't just feel good to us. Sure, a smile can combat stress and relieve pain, but others are more attracted to you when you do it. Smiles are also contagious; so, you're more likely to get one in return when you give one. [2] X Research sourceAdvertisement
-
Be a good listener. Improving your listening skills can significantly influence how great a friend you can be. Showing that you are willing to share the talking time makes the other person feel respected and valued. Here are just a few of the habits of good listeners:
- Good listeners allow the other person to finish talking before inserting a remark.
- Good listeners ask for clarification when they don't understand the speaker (e.g. “I'm confused…do you mean?”).
- Good listeners encourage the speaker to continue talking by giving feedback (e.g. “Go on, I hear you.” or “Really?”).
- Good listeners indicate their attention by using nonverbal gestures such as smiling, laughing, or nodding.
- Good listeners try to match the emotional energy of the speaker to demonstrate they understand the message (e.g. raising your voice or dropping your jaw to indicate surprise).
-
Have open body language. As you can see, the nonverbal parts of communication are often just as important as what actually comes out of your mouth. If your body language is open, you are more likely to be perceived positively by others around you.
- Open body language consists of legs stretched out, posture relaxed, knees apart, leaning forward, elbows away from the body, and arms and legs uncrossed. [3] X Research source
- When making conversation, avoid standing when others are sitting (when can be construed as intimidation), fidgeting, or turning away from the person you are talking to.
- Reader Poll: We asked 7201 wikiHow readers about the biggest tells that someone doesn’t want to talk to you, and only 6% said having a distant body position . [Take Poll] So, it can be okay to keep your distance, but definitely keep your body language open so people know you’re interested in being friends!
-
Learn to read other's body language and social cues. Sometimes, others may not come off as approachable. Certain kids at school may not want to make friends or have a new kid join their group. Pay attention to the cues of others before entering into new social situations.
- For example, if a person is exhibiting closed body language - arms and legs crossed and elbows tight near the torso - they may not be willing to engage in conversation.
- Other social cues may include a frowning or sneering facial expression or taking a step back. People who are interested will usually have a mild or welcoming facial expression and move in close to your personal space. [4] X Trustworthy Source Understood Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia Go to source
-
Start slow with small conversation-openers. Sometimes, all it takes to initiate a lasting friendship is an interesting story between the two of you. Rather than approaching people and trying to find out every single fact in one go, take small steps by asking intriguing questions that can bridge into a longer conversation. You can ask questions like: [5] X Research source
- ”How do you know ____ (insert name of a mutual acquaintance)?”
- ”What was the peak of your day?”
- ”What movies, books, TV shows have you enjoyed lately?”
- ”What's your favorite thing to do over the weekend?”
- ”What was the craziest YouTube video you watched this week?"
- "What sports are you into right now?"
-
Be yourself . [6] X Research source You may feel pressured to become more like popular people or others who have tons of friends. Picking up a few practical habits through observation can be beneficial, but you should never change who you are to gain friends. Doing so is unfair to you and the other person. There is surely someone out there who will enjoy you for you.
Advertisement
-
Join a club or organization. Your school or community probably sponsors a host of different clubs for children, adolescents or young adults. Research what clubs are available in your area and sign up for one (or many) that sound interesting to you. [7] X Expert Source Ashley Pritchard, MA
Academic & School Counselor Expert Interview- Being in a club lets you spend your time outside the classroom constructively. It also helps you learn valuable skills and gain experiences that can help you win college scholarships. More importantly, these extracurricular opportunities give you the chance to form relationships with peers. [8]
X
Expert Source
Ashley Pritchard, MA
Academic & School Counselor Expert Interview
- Being in a club lets you spend your time outside the classroom constructively. It also helps you learn valuable skills and gain experiences that can help you win college scholarships. More importantly, these extracurricular opportunities give you the chance to form relationships with peers. [8]
X
Expert Source
Ashley Pritchard, MA
-
Participate in sports. There are a multitude of advantages of playing sports at your school. Playing a sport at school offers a lot of benefits. It helps you stay fit, hone your leadership and team-player skills, learn organization and commitment, and make new friends. [9] X Research source
- Think about what kind of sports you may be interested in, and aim to try-out at the beginning of the school year when appropriate.
-
Volunteer. Helping out in your local community allows you to give back to others, but you can also get something in return. Volunteering gives you meaningful experiences and helps you look more attractive to colleges and employers down the line. Community service also connects you with people you might not otherwise meet from all walks of life. As a result, you may have greater empathy for others, and therefore, be an even better friend. [10] X Expert Source Ashley Pritchard, MA
Academic & School Counselor Expert Interview- You may be able to participate in volunteer opportunities through clubs or sports. However, you can also visit websites such as Volunteer Match to find a range of options in your area. [11] X Research source
-
Go outside. If you live in a neighborhood with other nearby families or have a local park, it may benefit you to spend more time outdoors. Doing so enables you to connect with nature and animals, but you might also catch the eye or strike up a conversation with a new bike-riding buddy or catch partner.
Advertisement
-
Ask your parents to host a party or barbecue. When your parents open up their home to your classmates, fellow club members, or team members, two things happen. You are encouraged to build lasting friendships where you can let others get closer to you. Your parents have the opportunity to meet and build rapport with your friends, too.
- Talk to your parents about having some sort of gathering in which you can invite a few friends at school. Extra points if one of your parents has friends who have children about the same age as you – that way everyone gets the chance to socialize.
-
Recruit teachers or club organizers to help with friendship match-making. Is there a teacher or other adult in one of your extra-curricular activities with whom you have a good relationship? Enlist this person to help you meet other youth your age who share the same hobbies or interests. [12] X Trustworthy Source HealthyChildren.org Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Go to source
- Your teachers or club organizers will have built relationships with an assortment of students. If this person knows you well, he should have a good idea of what kind of person you will click with best.
-
Role-play conversations or scenarios with a parent or sibling. If social situations make you particularly nervous or you lack confidence in making friends, practicing with someone else could help. Pull aside a parent, a sibling, or other family member and explain the circumstances. This person can walk through different scenarios with you and offer pointers based on areas where you need help. [13] X Trustworthy Source HealthyChildren.org Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Go to source
- Suggestions for role-play material might include starting a conversation or asking a potential friend to hang out.
-
Seek professional help. If you find that, no matter how hard you try, you cannot seem to connect with others at school, you might need to talk with a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or a psychotherapist. They can work with you to figure out where the roadblocks are in your social abilities. In your sessions, you may role-play and complete exercises that help you feel more confident making new friends.
Advertisement
Join the Discussion...
To make friends at school, try this strategy that I developed:
First, find something idle to do, like scrolling your phone or examining a sheet of paper. While you do that, scan the people in the area, whether you’re standing in the hall, outside of school, the cafeteria, or the classroom. If there's a group of people that makes you think, “Ooh, they look they might be for me,” whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, if they're representing a sports team, or something else, find a place to eavesdrop while doing your idle activity to check the vibe. Once you have decided, “Yeah, they seem like people who might be appealing to me,” keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation that lets you jump in and ask a question. For example, you might say, “I'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?” By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation.
Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question. And presumably, people are going to respond. No one's going to just ignore you. Show some sort of enthusiasm. Going back to that Taylor Swift example, you could say, “Cool. Are you going to the show?” And if they respond, then suddenly you're in. Trust your gut and see if it feels right to move in a little bit and join the conversation. So, you observe, identify who's appealing and feels safe, eavesdrop, wait for a pause, ask a question about the relevant conversation, express enthusiasm, and then ask another question. Then you can ask permission to join the group by saying something like, “Will you tell me more?” or, “Do you know where you get the tickets?”
The next step is to find something about someone in the group to compliment. For instance, you might notice someone’s hoop earrings, something they chose for themselves and that represents how they want people to see them. If you can find a reason to say, “Hey, I love your earrings” or “Those shoes are so cool,” that helps you connect even more.
Use this same strategy to start a conversation with an individual if approaching a group feels overwhelming. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come and lean on the wall six feet away—not too close so that it’s awkward—and just kind of stand and see if you get a vibe. And then you turn to that person and say something like, “You have fluorescent pink Converse! I love them.” Everybody wants to feel seen and included, so when you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. And then you can pivot, showing interest and asking questions to draw out more information. That could be, “You got them at the mall? Oh my gosh! There's a shoe store at the mall that sells shoes like that?” or even just, “Tell me more.”
So, if you’re not automatically comfortable putting yourself out there or making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something about them and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
First, find something idle to do, like scrolling your phone or examining a sheet of paper. While you do that, scan the people in the area, whether you’re standing in the hall, outside of school, the cafeteria, or the classroom. If there's a group of people that makes you think, “Ooh, they look they might be for me,” whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, if they're representing a sports team, or something else, find a place to eavesdrop while doing your idle activity to check the vibe. Once you have decided, “Yeah, they seem like people who might be appealing to me,” keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation that lets you jump in and ask a question. For example, you might say, “I'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?” By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation.
Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question. And presumably, people are going to respond. No one's going to just ignore you. Show some sort of enthusiasm. Going back to that Taylor Swift example, you could say, “Cool. Are you going to the show?” And if they respond, then suddenly you're in. Trust your gut and see if it feels right to move in a little bit and join the conversation. So, you observe, identify who's appealing and feels safe, eavesdrop, wait for a pause, ask a question about the relevant conversation, express enthusiasm, and then ask another question. Then you can ask permission to join the group by saying something like, “Will you tell me more?” or, “Do you know where you get the tickets?”
The next step is to find something about someone in the group to compliment. For instance, you might notice someone’s hoop earrings, something they chose for themselves and that represents how they want people to see them. If you can find a reason to say, “Hey, I love your earrings” or “Those shoes are so cool,” that helps you connect even more.
Use this same strategy to start a conversation with an individual if approaching a group feels overwhelming. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come and lean on the wall six feet away—not too close so that it’s awkward—and just kind of stand and see if you get a vibe. And then you turn to that person and say something like, “You have fluorescent pink Converse! I love them.” Everybody wants to feel seen and included, so when you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. And then you can pivot, showing interest and asking questions to draw out more information. That could be, “You got them at the mall? Oh my gosh! There's a shoe store at the mall that sells shoes like that?” or even just, “Tell me more.”
So, if you’re not automatically comfortable putting yourself out there or making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something about them and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
Expert Q&A
Search
-
QuestionHow do you make friends if you are going through a tough time?Ashley Pritchard is an Academic and School Counselor at Delaware Valley Regional High School in Frenchtown, New Jersey. Ashley has over 3 years of high school, college, and career counseling experience. She has an MA in School Counseling with a specialization in Mental Health from Caldwell University and is certified as an Independent Education Consultant through the University of California, Irvine.A school counselor may be able to pair you up with another classmate dealing with the same thing!
-
QuestionIs it hard to make friends in school?Ashley Pritchard is an Academic and School Counselor at Delaware Valley Regional High School in Frenchtown, New Jersey. Ashley has over 3 years of high school, college, and career counseling experience. She has an MA in School Counseling with a specialization in Mental Health from Caldwell University and is certified as an Independent Education Consultant through the University of California, Irvine.It can be a little scary, but it won't be super hard if you approach it with the right attitude! One thing you can do to make this process easier is sign up for a club or organization. It's a lot easier to make friends if you find people with similar interests. If you love acting, join a play. If you love working out, join the fitness club. Finding other people who enjoy the same things as you will make it a lot easier to make friends.
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Reader Videos
Tips
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
References
- ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/carolkinseygoman/2014/08/21/facinating-facts-about-eye-contact/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile
- ↑ http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/09/17/do-you-make-these-7-body-language-mistakes/
- ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/picking-up-on-social-cues/4-types-of-social-cues
- ↑ http://www.scienceofpeople.com/2013/10/helpful-conversation-starters/
- ↑ http://repository.upenn.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1064&context=mapp_capstone
- ↑ Ashley Pritchard, MA. Academic & School Counselor. Expert Interview
- ↑ Ashley Pritchard, MA. Academic & School Counselor. Expert Interview
- ↑ https://www.sutterhealth.org/health/benefits-of-sports
- ↑ Ashley Pritchard, MA. Academic & School Counselor. Expert Interview
- ↑ https://www.volunteermatch.org/
- ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/school/Pages/Making-Friends-in-High-School.aspx
- ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/school/Pages/Making-Friends-in-High-School.aspx
About This Article
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 60,336 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "I don't really have friends at school, people see me as a second option, but I will try to adopt this into my life, so I can get friends who really care about me." ..." more
Advertisement
"I don't really have friends at school, people see me as a second option, but I will try to adopt this into my life, so I can get friends who really care about me."
..."
more
"I used to be introverted in middle school, but now in high school, I used this guide, and now I have tons of friends. Thanks wikiHow."
..."
more
"I did all of those things, that I even made a friend on the first day of school."
"This has changed my life in good way."
