Emotional Dependency: What It Is & How to Overcome It

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Take control of your feelings and relationships with these tips
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It’s normal to become emotionally invested in people you care about, but if you feel like you can't be happy without a certain person, you may be emotionally dependent. Emotional dependency can negatively impact your confidence and self-worth, but it’s not impossible to overcome. We talked with licensed counselors and therapists to bring you the best advice on how to overcome emotional dependency and improve your self-image so you can build healthier relationships.

Key Strategies to Overcome Emotional Dependency

  • Determine your fears and acknowledge why you have them.
  • Spend time alone and embrace being uncomfortable.
  • Practice self-care to promote self-worth.
  • Focus on your wants and needs outside of everybody else’s.
Section 1 of 5:

What is emotional dependency?

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  1. Emotional dependency is when your emotions rely heavily on another’s. When you’re emotionally dependent, your mood and emotional well-being are determined by someone else’s emotions. The other person’s words, actions, and reactions can control your responses. You rely on another person’s emotions to know how to react and feel, putting distance between yourself and your personal feelings. [1] There’s emotional dependency in every relationship—feeling emotionally connected establishes trust and respect—but only relying on someone else’s emotions can create an unhealthy power dynamic. [2]
    • Anyone in any relationship can become emotionally dependent. You could become emotionally dependent on a friend, partner, family member, or colleague.
    • Feeling another’s emotions isn’t unhealthy (that’s called empathy ), but being solely dependent on them is.
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Section 2 of 5:

Ways to Stop Being Emotionally Dependent

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  1. Most of the time, feelings of dependency are rooted in fear. Think about how you would feel if the person you’re dependent on left. Ask yourself what in particular scares you about that scenario. Taking time to recognize and understand your fears can help you overcome them . [3]
    • For instance, if you’re emotionally dependent on the person you’re dating, you might have an underlying fear of feeling unlovable.
  2. Get in touch with your inner mind by learning to be alone with yourself . Find a time when you won’t be interrupted, and sit quietly with yourself for a while. Notice where your mind goes and what kind of urges you experience. You may find some thought patterns or habits you weren’t previously aware of. [4]
    • Don’t distract yourself by checking your phone or tidying your room when you do this exercise. Devote all your attention to introspection, even if it’s uncomfortable.
  3. Embrace your truest self to overcome your dependence. Think about who you really are when you’re not trying to please anybody else. Identify your core values, the things you want to achieve, and your idiosyncrasies. Work on building a sense of self that doesn’t depend on external validation. [5]
    • If you don’t have a strong sense of identity, step out of your comfort zone and explore some new things by yourself. See which activities, people, and ideas resonate with you.
  4. When you feel down, look for healthy ways to soothe yourself. [6] Try giving yourself a pep talk, going for a walk, or writing in a journal.
    • Be careful not to replace one type of dependency with another. For instance, if you have anxiety, it’s not a good idea to start using alcohol to calm yourself down.
    • If you do find yourself turning to alcohol or other substances for emotional reasons, seek help from a therapist.
  5. Feeling better about yourself can help you overcome the need for others' approval. Take stock of the things you like about yourself, and remind yourself of your good qualities frequently. Improve your self-esteem by challenging yourself to try new things and finding ways to help others.
    • How you talk to yourself is a big component of self-esteem. Instead of criticizing yourself, talk to yourself in a friendly, encouraging way. Say things like "I can do this. I am a capable person. I am in charge of my destiny. Whatever happens, I will do my best." [7]
    • Licensed counselor and psychotherapist Ira Israel says that “self-esteem equals self-discipline” and recommends “[faking] it until you make it” to build your courage.
  6. Look for the good in people, and keep your expectations reasonable. Don’t get angry if someone occasionally disappoints you. Remind yourself that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. [8]
    • For example, no one is perfect. If a friend forgets your plans, give them the benefit of the doubt, especially if it's a one-off.
  7. Ask yourself what kind of life you want to live. Then, make a plan that will help you get there. Prioritize your own goals and values instead of trying to please other people. [9]
    • This might mean doing something as simple as finishing a household task (like painting your room), or it could mean taking steps toward a major life goal (like going back to school).
    • Don’t confuse fulfillment with getting lots of attention from the person you’re emotionally dependent on. Think about what would make you happy even if they weren’t in your life.
    • Create and pursue your own goals, rather than trying to meet other people’s expectations.
  8. Plan your schedule based on your own needs and wishes. Incorporate time for self-care and activities you enjoy, like visiting friends or going out to the movies. Don’t let other people’s plans dictate your life.
    • For instance, if your significant other goes home to visit their family, rather than being sad at home, plan a fun outing with friends.
    • As licensed mental health counselor Laura Richer reminds us, “self-care is about being responsible for our own emotional experience.”
  9. Try to spend time with lots of different people. Stay in touch with your family, and make plans to see your friends regularly. If your social circle is small, you can meet new people through work, classes, or social clubs.
    • Studies have shown that friendships help raise your sense of belonging, boost your mood, and help improve confidence. [10]
  10. When you help other people , you’ll feel dependable, not dependent. Reach out to your family and friends when they need some extra support, or look for volunteer opportunities in your area. [11]
  11. Channel your energy into taking control of your own choices and thoughts. When you depend too much on other people, you may end up trying to control them, or feeling miserable because you can’t. Accept that other people have the right to their own thoughts, feelings, and choices, and realize that these won’t always involve you. [12]
    • For example, if you get jealous when your friend wants to spend time with other people, don’t try to guilt-trip them. Take a deep breath, remember that people can have many friends, and think about what you’ll do with your free time instead.
    • Anxiety and stress management coach Alexandra Janelli reminds you to “have patience with yourself. Understanding who you are is really at the core of understanding who you become in relation to other people.”
  12. Dealing with your feelings is your own job, not anybody else’s. Realize that, while you may experience your emotions strongly, they don’t define who you are or control what you do. [13]
    • For example, don’t expect others to stop what they're doing whenever you're in a bad mood or have a tough day. Instead, find healthy ways to cope with negative feelings without needing others to "fix" them for you.
  13. Work towards interdependency . Dependency isn’t healthy, but neither is emotional isolation. As you break free of old habits, seek out emotionally healthy people to spend time with. Cultivate relationships based on mutual respect, honesty, and empathy, not neediness. [14]
    • For example, try to brainstorm some solutions to your personal problems a bit before running to others for advice. This may help you learn how to problem-solve while also taking into consideration that others might have practical advice, too.
    • If you are really feeling stuck, seek help from a therapist.
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Section 3 of 5:

What causes emotional dependency?

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  1. Losing touch with your emotions may cause emotional dependency. While there’s no specific cause of emotional dependency, many experts speculate that it stems from losing touch with yourself. It’s easy today to get swept up in what’s going on around you rather than what’s going on inside you. You may lose sight of your intuitions, feelings, or even identity. This can lead you to rely on other people’s emotions to find a sense of belonging. [15]
    • Emotional dependency is based on need and fear. Because of this, it often stems from low self-esteem or a lack of emotional recognition. [16]
Section 4 of 5:

Identifying Emotional Dependency

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  1. Emotional dependency is characterized by a need for validation from others. If you’re emotionally dependent, you look to others to know how to feel because you're disconnected from your emotions and don't feel as if you can even trust your own emotions. Not only can this make you feel self-conscious, but it can also lead to jealousy and a fear of rejection. Here are the most common symptoms of emotional dependency: [17]
    • Constant need for approval or reassurance
    • Lacking trust
    • Fear of rejection
    • Strong feelings of jealousy or possessiveness
    • Relying on others to boost self-worth
    • Feeling empty and anxious when alone
    • Idealizing the person you’re dependent on
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Abandonment Issues?

Do you often feel afraid or insecure about the state of your relationships, worrying that you might be rejected by someone you care about? You’re not alone. Abandonment issues can be triggered by many things, including dysfunctional relationships, and the effects of having abandonment issues can range from mild to severe. Like many common fears and anxieties, abandonment issues can be overcome in time–and recognizing them is the first step. That’s why we created a comprehensive quiz to help you identify whether you may have abandonment issues.
1 of 12

Does anyone in your life (a partner, family, or friend) make you doubt yourself?

Section 5 of 5:

When to Seek Help

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  1. Reach out for help if you’re struggling with your self-worth. You don’t have to go through this alone. If you think you may be emotionally dependent and don’t find peace with the tips we’ve provided, don’t hesitate to seek help from a therapist. Therapy can help you learn more about yourself and build courage. [18]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you become more independent?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    You can become more independent by spending some more time thinking about your life and situation before asking others for advice. You can also do some deep breathing, relaxation, visualization and/or journaling. Using affirmations can also help--for example, "I believe in myself."
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 20
  • Question
    What are the signs and symptoms of dependent personality disorder?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Dependent Personality Disorder goes beyond emotional dependency and represents an overall life orientation that has become entrenched. It is a mental disorder listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 2 Helpful 14
  • Question
    What is an emotional dependency?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Emotional dependency is crossing the line from love or caring into needing the other person to sustain yourself. You lose your own boundary and merge yourself with the other person.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.livingout.org/resources/articles/39/emotional-dependency
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202405/defining-emotional
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-to-overcome-feelings-of-neediness
      4. ↑ https://www.outofstress.com/emotional-dependence/
      5. ↑ https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/7-ways-stronger-sense.htm
      6. ↑ https://calmerry.com/blog/relationships/know-the-signs-of-emotional-dependency-so-you-can-recover/
      7. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-talk
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/cultivating-contentment/2018/08/14-benefits-of-practicing-acceptance#1
      9. ↑ https://www.fastcompany.com/3029765/how-to-set-goals-for-the-life-you-actually-want
      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/volunteering-and-its-surprising-benefits
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/cultivating-contentment/2018/08/14-benefits-of-practicing-acceptance#1
      4. ↑ https://calmerry.com/blog/relationships/know-the-signs-of-emotional-dependency-so-you-can-recover/
      5. ↑ https://calmerry.com/blog/relationships/know-the-signs-of-emotional-dependency-so-you-can-recover/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202405/defining-emotional
      7. ↑ https://calmerry.com/blog/relationships/know-the-signs-of-emotional-dependency-so-you-can-recover/
      8. ↑ https://calmerry.com/blog/relationships/know-the-signs-of-emotional-dependency-so-you-can-recover/
      9. ↑ https://mhanational.org/resources/therapy/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      You can start working to overcome emotional dependency by learning to recognize and address your emotional needs. Instead of looking to others to make you feel a certain way, remind yourself that you are responsible for your emotions. For example, if you have a bad day, find a healthy way to make yourself feel better. You can go for a walk, write in a journal, or simply tell yourself that you are worth caring for. Keep reading to learn how giving to others can increase your sense of dependability.

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