How to Avoid Someone You're Attracted To (& Why We Do It)

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Avoid an unwanted crush so you can move on
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There are a lot of good reasons you might want to avoid someone that you’re attracted to; maybe they are in a relationship or perhaps they're your co-worker. You might just want to avoid someone you like because you know that they are not good for you. Whatever your reasons, we're here to help. In this article, we'll explain how to avoid your crush , whether you should , and why people avoid their crushes , with expert insights from psychotherapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Plus, learn how to stop avoiding your crush and make a move!

Avoiding Someone You Are Attracted To

Avoid your crush by changing your routine so you stop crossing paths with them. Set clear boundaries if you do have to keep seeing them in person. Remove them from social media, find new hobbies, and spend time with family and friends. Talk to someone if you have trouble coping, and prioritize your mental health.

Section 1 of 4:

How to Avoid Your Crush

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  1. 1
    Steer clear of unnecessary interactions. This might seem pretty obvious, but it can also be challenging if you don't consciously think about it. You might not be able to totally stay away if you work or go to school with this person, but take extra steps to make sure you don’t see them unless you have to. This could mean changing up where you grab lunch or taking an alternate route when walking your dog. It can be challenging to switch things up, so be patient with yourself and start by doing what you can. [1]
    • Start doing things at different times of the day, as well. This is a great way to avoid them without letting them know what you're up to. [2] For example, if you used to work out at night, try hitting the gym or going for a run in the morning.
    • Start with just a couple of changes that won't make you feel too off-balance.
  2. If you keep seeing their selfies pop up, it might weaken your resistance or make you feel a wave of emotions you’d rather avoid. To avoid the temptation of scrolling through their social media, you have three real options: block them, unfollow them, or mute their account. [3]
    • To truly cut the cord, your best options are to unfriend them, remove them, or block them.
    • However, if you’re worried they might ask you why you blocked them, the mute option is your best bet. That way, you’ll stop seeing their posts but don’t have to stop being friends on social media altogether.
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  3. If they are also attracted to you, it can be even harder not to act on your feelings. If you can’t avoid your crush completely, set boundaries for how much you interact. Make it clear with your words and actions that you’re not interested in pursuing things, even if that feels really hard. [4]
    • Resist the urge to flirt even if they initiate it. If they start complimenting you, do not reciprocate.
    • If you work with them, say something like, “I’m trying to stay professional. Thanks for respecting that.”
    • Avoid physical contact. Even casual touches can signal that you’re interested in them.
    • It can be super tough to resist these urges, so don’t beat yourself up if you slip. Just try to get yourself back on track with a pep talk.
  4. Practice self-care by meditating , writing in a journal , or taking yourself out on solo dates. Find a new hobby or revisit an old one. Or, take your mind off your feelings by taking on an extra project at work if you feel up to it. Find fulfilment in different parts of your life to distract yourself from your feelings. [5]
    • Try something new, like taking pickleball lessons or going to a painting or cooking class. This will engage your mind and give you something to do with your time.
    • Spend time on projects you’ve been wanting to tackle, like cleaning out your closets or starting that DIY home project.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1082 wikiHow readers who’ve struggled to cope with a crush, and only 8% have had luck with confiding in a trusted friend or mentor for support. [Take Poll] So, while this may not be a great strategy according to our readers, focusing on things you enjoy may help distract you.
  5. Make an effort to connect with your loved ones. Spending time with friends and family is a fun way to keep your thoughts away from your crush. It’ll also remind you that you have healthy, supportive relationships in your life, even if they aren’t romantic. Just try to avoid places that you know the person you’re avoiding is likely to be. [6]
    • For example, ask your best friend to take that road trip the two of you have been talking about forever.
    • See if your mom wants to start hiking with you on the weekends.
    • Join a club or group to participate in a healthy hobby, like running or crafting.
  6. It can be hard to be attracted to a person that you know you can’t—or shouldn’t be—with. Don’t try to push your feelings down. You may process your emotions better if you work through them with a good friend. They might be able to offer some insight and much-needed support. [7]
    • Try saying, “Hey, I’m realizing I have feelings for [person’s name]. I don’t think it’s something I want to pursue, but I’m having trouble dealing with my attraction. Can you talk it out with me?”
    • Make sure to choose someone whom you can confide in, who won’t gossip about you to someone else.
  7. If you’re trying to avoid someone you like, it might be because you know it’s not a good idea to be with them . Make a list of the reasons you know you shouldn't be together. It might help to see it in writing. When you need to talk yourself into staying away from them, remind yourself that you might get hurt if you pursue things.
    • For example, tell yourself, “If I start seeing Taylor, it would really hurt Sam’s feelings. It hasn’t been very long since they broke up. I don't want to deal with that.”
    • Or think, “Last time I tried dating Whitney, she hurt my feelings a lot. I felt bad about myself, and I don’t want to feel that way again.”
    • Weigh the cons realistically. If you are attracted to someone who is off-limits, think about how being with them could harm your career, friendships, or family.
    • If you or the other person is already in a relationship, remind yourself of their partner every time you are tempted to see them.
  8. Processing your emotions is really important, but there's a fine line between thinking things through and obsessing. Try to break that habit of thinking about them all day so that you can move on. Look for ways to redirect your thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking of them, acknowledge your thought, and then send it away. [8]
    • Think to yourself, "Okay, I'm thinking about [person’s name]. I'm going to shift my thoughts and think about game night with my friends instead."
    • Try giving yourself a time limit. Tell yourself that you will think about them for 5 minutes, and then you'll move on. Set a timer on your phone so you stick to it.
  9. Even if you can’t be with your crush, you like them for a reason. Think about which of their qualities you’re attracted to, and when you’re ready to date, look for someone who has those qualities. It may take some time, but you’ll find someone else you want to be with. They may even be better than your current crush! [9]
    • For example, maybe they were really kind to your pets. Make "animal lover" a non-negotiable when you start dating.
    • If you admired their work ethic, focus on finding someone new with that same quality.
    • Miller encourages making this list as a means of reminding yourself that your unattainable crush isn’t “the last person on Earth” and that their qualities can be found in other people, too. [10]
  10. Although it might feel nearly impossible, walk away from the situation completely if you can. If you've tried to shift your thoughts and set boundaries but nothing works, consider going no-contact. Don't answer their calls, texts, or social media messages, and remind yourself that it’s for the best. [11]
    • Ending things with someone you’re interested in (whether you were in a relationship or not) can be tremendously emotionally taxing. Be kind to yourself and lean on your friends when you need to.
  11. If you’re in a relationship, it’s not uncommon to develop a crush on someone very different from the person you are currently with. That could mean that you are seeking change in your own relationship. Evaluate why you’re attracted to your crush and consider whether that is a quality you’re missing in your partner. [12]
    • For example, maybe you’re attracted to someone because they share your love of music. Ask your partner if they’re willing to go to some more concerts with you. That might fill your need and cause your feelings for your crush to cool down.
    • If you feel the relationship has become boring and stagnant, suggest trying a hobby with your partner or plan a fun trip to get your spark back.
  12. It can be really challenging to deal with intense feelings towards someone, especially if you don’t feel like you can act on them. If this is causing you to feel depressed or anxious, seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can help you figure out a healthy way to deal with the situation. [13]
    • Try not to be nervous if it's your first time seeking counseling. It can feel awkward at first, but it’s great that you’re prioritizing your mental health.
    • Miller encourages you to talk to someone about it, as hearing how it all sounds out loud can be very helpful in diffusing the crush. [14]
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Section 2 of 4:

Why People Avoid Their Crushes

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  1. 1
    One person is already in a relationship. In many cases, either the crush is already in a relationship, or the person crushing on them is—sometimes, it’s both! It’s not necessarily a bad thing for people in committed relationships to develop crushes on others, as long as they don’t act on it. In fact, recent research shows that extracurricular crushes are relatively healthy and can lead to feelings of “excitement, increased esteem, and fantasy/escape.” [15]
    • While having feelings for someone outside of a relationship is typically out of our control, what is in our control is how we act when it comes to respecting our partner .
  2. 2
    It’s a workplace crush. In certain situations, crushes seem especially impossible, like if the crush in question is your boss. Miller suggests that you don’t beat yourself up for having those feelings, but that you still acknowledge that nothing can come of them: “We can't help what we feel, but you can recognize that, ‘Okay, yeah, this is going to be a dead end. I can't explore this.’” Aside from jeopardizing your job, the uneven power dynamic in an employee-employer relationship is an additional cause for concern. [16]
    • Miller adds, “You may also want to look at the power dynamic between you two—is it exciting to you? And is that part of it?” [17]
    • Choosing to pursue a crush in the workplace can have dire consequences, personally and professionally, so it’s important to really think things through.
  3. 3
    Shyness, nerves, and fear of rejection are getting in the way. While there are some very valid, real-world concerns behind avoiding a crush—especially if it’s a co-worker or if one party is already in a relationship—it can also be a result of nerves. Talking to a crush may make some people feel incredibly nervous, particularly if they’re shy and introverted to begin with, and the looming fear of rejection or humiliation can also be a deterrent. [18]
    • Even if it seems scary, putting yourself out there is the only way to know if your crush likes you back! Start with something small, like saying hi whenever you see them. Work your way up to a longer conversation.
  4. 4
    The crush is a result of unresolved trauma. Miller says that it’s important to do a bit of self-inventory when it comes to avoiding a crush: “I think the first question is, what is that person triggering inside of you?” Miller goes on to explain that we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of certain deficits in our childhood. She says, “There may have been a parent who wasn't attuned to you, or gave you what you needed, and, so, there's something attractive about a partner who's not really giving you [attention] either.” [19]
    • She adds, “We're attracted to the familiar, even though it may not be good for us, because it's just what we know.” [20]
    • In short, people sometimes avoid their crush because they don’t want it to develop into something more.
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Section 3 of 4:

Should you avoid your crush?

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  1. It depends on your specific situation. Think about why you want to avoid your crush. If one of you is in a relationship, they’re your coworker or boss, or they’re otherwise off limits, it may be best to avoid them until your feelings go away. If you’re just feeling a bit shy, it may be better to approach them! Even if it doesn’t turn into a relationship, you may find a new friend!
    • Miller also encourages you to consider if your avoidance is a matter of self-worth: “A lot of times, people go for those who aren't emotionally available because they feel like that's what they deserve. So you can ask yourself, ‘What do I deserve? Do I deserve somebody who is there for me and consistent? And if I don't believe that, why not?’” [21]
    • If you’re trying to decide whether to avoid your crush or not, make a list of pros and cons. Only you can ultimately decide whether your crush is worth the squeeze.
Section 4 of 4:

How to Stop Avoiding Your Crush

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  1. 1
    Open up lines of communication. If you’ve decided that you’re ready to pursue your crush, embrace it! Message them, chat in person or on the phone, and try to bump into them whenever possible. These small efforts will eventually clue your crush into your feelings for them, and in turn, you’ll be able to gauge if they’re crushing on you, too. [22]
    • If you work or go to school with them, try timing your lunch breaks at the same time as theirs.
    • If you walk past them in the hall, be sure to smile and exchange a bit of pleasant small talk. These short exchanges can go a long way!
  2. 2
    Make plans with them. If you don’t want to come on too strong (perhaps because you’re still trying to suss out whether they like you back or not), try to make casual plans with them. Depending on your relationship, consider asking them out for coffee, ice cream, or for a walk in the park. Keep it light and fun by proposing a low-stakes, platonic activity, and see how they react.
    • Say something like, “I remembered how much you love ube flavored things, and I saw that the coffee shop around the corner just released an ube latte— want to go check it out?”
    • If you feel fairly confident that they’re into you, too, ask them out on a date ! It can still be low stakes while making your romantic intentions known. Shoot your shot!
  3. 3
    Confess that you have a crush on them. Letting your crush know that you have feelings for them can seem daunting, but it may be the nudge you both need! There are several ways to do this. Mention it casually in conversation, try a more creative approach like writing a letter, or sit them down and speak from the heart. No matter which approach you pick, honesty might not only be the best policy, but in this case, it could also be the start of your love story. [23]
    • Try not to have set expectations when confessing to your crush. If they don’t feel the same way about you, respect their choice and take time to process your feelings.
    • Remember: rejection is redirection, and whatever they choose is more likely to be a reflection of them than of you. Trust that you’ll find your person when the time is right!
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.
1
Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet
2
Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love
3
How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated
4
Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams
5
Stop Liking Someone
6
Overcome an Infatuation

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a22617662/when-your-crush-is-taken/
      2. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a22617662/when-your-crush-is-taken/
      3. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a22617662/when-your-crush-is-taken/
      4. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-to-stop-liking-someone-you-cant-date/
      5. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      6. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      7. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      8. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      9. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      1. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.bolde.com/11-ways-to-deal-when-your-crush-is-off-limits/
      3. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/deal-with-crushes-when-married
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202001/why-people-become-attracted-crushes-they-cant-be
      5. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      6. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211038612
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      8. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      9. ↑ https://castillejacounterpoint.com/1547/opinions/why-you-should-tell-your-crush-you-like-them-or-not/
      10. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      11. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      12. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
      13. ↑ https://connectcouplestherapy.com/embrace-the-crush-how-crushes-can-strengthen-your-relationship/
      14. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-tell-your-crush-you-like-them

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