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Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.

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Forum Comments (7)

How do I deal with an unrequited crush?
Research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade over about six months to two years. People with an anxious attachment style often take breakups harder than those with a secure or avoidant attachment style. Rejection can feel traumatizing, and it's normal to take time to grieve, process, and get back to equilibrium.

Studies show that bereaved people who avoid grief and make an effort to suppress emotion take the longest to recover from a loss. You need to process the emotional energy that is stuck in the body. Try practicing the Three R's to help process your emotions:

Recognize. First, you need to identify the emotion and feel it in the body. Close your eyes, and see what sensations come up in the body. Do you feel pressure anywhere? Tightness? Pain? Practicing mindfulness and meditation will help you with this ongoing process of learning to sense what is going on in the body.

Respond. In order to process emotion, it needs to be expressed. Ask yourself, what emotion did you connect with? What does it need from you? What feels right at this moment to let it speak, to give it a voice, to express? Maybe you need to cry, scream, shake, or dance.

Reflect. By writing about how you feel and where you feel it, you'll start to make sense of what is happening to gain perspective. What are your greatest points of grief and frustration? What is your body trying to tell you? What can you learn? Try not to filter or judge your thoughts, just keep the pen going to help you get into a flow state.
Should you block your ex on social media?
It's important to digitally detox from your ex after a breakup. Unfortunately, your brain is primed for obsessive behavior during this time, and your motivation system is seeking dopamine. Thus, whenever you replay that romantic video of your vacation, stalk their social media, or text them, you fall into a mental trap that keeps you addicted.

Before you look at old photos or check the ex's Instagram, stop and ask, "Am I being kind to myself right now?" You know the answer. Replace the urge for connection with another behavior that forces you to be present. This may mean you call a friend, go for a jog, or write a letter of gratitude to someone you love. The first few times you divert your behavior, it will feel contrived and highly challenging, but the more you practice replacing the self-sabotaging urge with a healthy practice, the easier it becomes.
I miss my ex so much
It usually takes somewhere between about six months to two years to get over a breakup. Once you understand what's happening in the brain, you'll realize that feeling sad and missing your ex after a breakup is natural. The same flood of chemicals that cause you to be blissfully in lust during the beginning stages of love are the exact same chemicals that cause you to painfully suffer when it ends.

During the first stage of dating, a flood of chemicals is at play, designed to make you and your mate procreate. The exhilaration, the obsessive thoughts of your new beloved, and the butterflies-in-stomach feelings are all a result of the motivation system — the mating drive that is a part of the reward system in the brain.

The rewards system is responsible for the release of dopamine. Dopamine is that feel-good chemical that leaves you wanting more of whatever stimulus gave you the reward in the first place — whether the stimulus is nicotine, chocolate, or a loving touch from your partner. Dopamine cravings motivate you to act accordingly to get more of whatever it is you need, and in the case of romance, that need is your beloved. The brain is expecting the reward to come in (validation from the partner, acknowledgment, return of affection, etc.).

However, after a breakup, the reward is either delayed or doesn't come at all. Even though on a cognitive level you know the relationship is over, the neurons in your brain that are expecting reward do not shut down, keeping you unconsciously in love and addicted to your ex to get your fix.
What do you like about being single?
Getting to reinvent yourself is one of the most exciting things about being single. After a breakup, you get an opportunity to start with a blank canvas—and you get to paint the type of life, love, and partnership that you want, now with new wisdom and lessons learned. There's a freedom of being single—of being able to do what you want, when you want, where you want, without having to worry about someone else, that is liberating and exciting. You can date different people, test out what you like and don't like, and get conscious of the type of partner that will be a good fit for you next time. The best thing about being single is that you have time, energy and headspace to focus on your relationship with yourself—to be the best version of yourself and exercise your muscles of being your own source of love, validation, and joy.
How long will it take to get over my breakup?
Research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade over about six months to two years. It makes sense: studies show that recently broken-up singles show activity in the same part of the brain as a drug user fiending for a fix. The brain is literally in withdrawal. And people with an anxious attachment style often take breakups harder than those with a secure or avoidant attachment style.

To move on from a breakup means to process the emotions of the relationship in a healthy way. Processing is very different from suppressing, distracting, or avoiding your emotions. Processing means allowing yourself to feel your emotions, allowing time for healing, and then reflecting on the lessons you can learn to grow from the experience. Know the difference between processing and wallowing. The former means you feel the emotions and use self-care, self-compassion, and support to return to equilibrium. It means knowing you have agency over your destiny and that even though it's painful and uncomfortable, you will get back up. Wallowing is when you see the situation through the lens of a victim and that you are helpless in your circumstance. When you are stuck in victimization, you are not processing, you're prolonging your suffering.

You'll know that you've 'moved on' when you no longer feel an emotional charge towards your ex or the breakup, and when you've accepted reality as is.
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