How to Use Reverse Psychology to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

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All the male psychology secrets you need to rekindle your romance
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When trying to get a man back after a break-up, many people find that reverse psychology can be super effective. Of course, honest and open communication is always better than playing games, but a little reverse psychology can be helpful in the early stages of reconnecting, as long as you use it with caution. Luckily, we’ve compiled a helpful list of tips to do just this, including expert advice from dating coaches and mental health professionals, so keep reading!

Winning His Heart Back with Reverse Psychology

In love and dating, reverse psychology means acting like you’re not interested in someone when you actually are, explains professional relationship coach Julia McCurley. This could mean not returning their calls or texts right away, saying you’re too busy to hang out, or acting like you’ve moved on.

1

Drop hints that he can do better than you.

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  1. McCurley says that one effective reverse psychology tactic would be “telling him he deserves better than you.” [1] When you do this, your ex might feel like you’re taking away his agency to make his own choice. So, even if he wasn’t all that interested in getting you back, he might feel compelled to do it, just to show you he can.
    • For example, you could say something like, “I was never right for you, anyway. You should go find yourself someone who really excites and interests you.”
    • Techniques like this fit what you might call the “textbook” form of reverse psychology: telling someone the opposite of what you want to happen in order to get what you want. [2]
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2

Point out the bad times in your relationship.

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  1. He likely won’t want to think of the relationship as a failure, since this would make each of you “failures” in some way. As a result, he might actually try to challenge your claims and point out all the good things about the relationship, which could make him miss you unexpectedly.
    • For example: “Remember that time we went for a beach getaway? What a disaster that turned out to be! Just a sign of things to come, I guess.”
    • Or, “Gosh, we really argued a lot over those last few months. We clearly weren’t right for each other.”
3

Speak fondly of your shared past, but tell him it’s over.

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  1. If you’re not a fan of the previous suggestion of pointing out the bad times, try going the opposite route. Talk about how amazing the relationship was, but then reinforce the fact that it’s over now. This frames the relationship as a wonderful thing he used to have that’s been taken away, which could make him determined to get it back. Remember, people often want what they can’t have! [3]
    • For example, remind him of the great times you shared, but then subtly forbid him from trying to recapture this connection:
    • “Boy, that was a great trip. Remember how much we laughed? But when it’s over, it’s over—there’s no going back.”
    • This is a bit like talking up broccoli as the most delicious, fun-to-eat food in the world, but then telling your kid, “Too bad you said you’d never eat broccoli!”
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4

Ask him repeatedly not to pursue you.

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  1. For example, say something like, “I’m glad we’re meeting up for coffee, but please don’t try to get back together with me. I have to move on.” If he wasn't already thinking about reconnecting, this could introduce the idea to his mind. And, if he's the kind of guy who hates being bossed around, this could push him to want you back, just because he doesn't like the idea of being told what to do. [4]
5

Tell him only he has the power to restart things.

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  1. Try something like, “I wish things were different and we could give it another try. But I can’t force you to change your mind. Only you can decide what you want to do.” By saying this, you’re subtly challenging him to take action and win you back.
    • You might remember a parent using this kind of strategy on you in hopes of getting you to clean your room: “If this was my room I’d want to clean up this mess. But it’s your room and only you can choose how to keep it. I can’t make you do it.”
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6

Tell him the timing was never right for you guys.

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  1. McCurley says an effective reverse-psychology tactic would be saying the relationship was just not meant to be due to bad timing. [5] This may make him feel like the relationship could have been “meant to be” if he had fought harder to overcome these external life circumstances. In turn, he may be more interested in getting you back, to take control of the situation and prove the universe wrong.
    • Try saying something like, “It’s too bad things never lined up right for us. You had your stuff going on, then I had my stuff—it’s like it just wasn’t supposed to happen.”
    • This tactic starts to bridge the gap between the “saying the opposite of what you want” and the “playing hard to get” varieties of reverse psychology.
7

Play “hard to get” to stir up some jealousy.

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  1. It includes many of the techniques you may have seen in the movies. For example, McCurley suggests taking your time to respond to his messages or calls, or even “forgetting” to respond at all. [6] Other tactics include acting too busy to hang out, or wearing an outfit that drives him wild and saying something like, “This old thing? I just threw it on. I forgot how much you like it.”
    • With this strategy, you’re not really trying to get him to do the opposite of what you’re saying, but rather to want what he can’t have.
    • This technique often works even if your ex is a more calm and rational type that isn’t as susceptible to more straightforward reverse psychology.
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8

Act like you’ve completely moved on.

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  1. A tried and true reverse psychology tactic would be acting “like you’ve moved on and are dating other people,” says McCurley. [7] For example, if you and your ex meet up for coffee or run into each other somewhere, mention that your life is super awesome and exciting right now. Then, let it slip “accidentally” that you have a date with a really great guy coming up. His jealousy may kick in, which could make him more invested in reconciling.
    • If you’re not really seeing him in person that much, McCurley suggests posting lots of pictures on social media showing how much fun you’re having without him. [8]
    • You’re walking a fine line here, since it’s possible your ex will just accept that you’ve moved on. However, some guys may feel more compelled to speak up about wanting you back if they feel like they’re actually losing you. [9]
9

Ask him to do you a favor, then thank him profusely.

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  1. It also gives him a chance to be your knight in shining armor, which may remind him of how much he cares about you. For example, try texting him and asking for a ride because your car broke down, or call and ask if he can fix your wonky Wi-Fi modem like he used to. Afterwards, give him a huge thanks: “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you doing this. You’re really an awesome guy.” [10]
    • Doing someone else a favor is a sacrifice, and people tend to justify it by telling themselves that they must like the other person.
    • So, if your ex comes running to your aid, it may make him realize how deeply he feels for you, which could make him want you back.
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10

Consider using a more direct approach.

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  1. If you keep trying to use reverse psychology when it isn’t working, you might be making excuses not to be honest with your ex about how you actually feel. And, as licensed psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz explains, honest communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. [11] If you really want to get back together and build a lasting bond with him, being up-front and direct is likely the best approach.
    • It’s true that this might lead to a direct rejection, but in that case, you would at least be able to get closure and truly move on. And there’s always the chance that your ex secretly feels the same way, which could lead to a happy reunion!
    • Try saying something like: “Tom, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I really wish we hadn’t broken up, and I’d love to find a way to reconnect. Would you be willing to meet up to talk?”
    • Relationship coach Suzanna Mathews also recommends mentioning how much you’ve grown, so that your ex knows things will be different this time: “I've taken some time to really reflect, and, I've been able to evaluate my contributions to what worked and what didn't work.” [12]
11

Remember to use reverse psychology with caution.

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  1. If reverse psychology actually does end up helping you get back together with your ex, you may be tempted to keep using it for little things like choosing a movie, or big things like choosing where to live. Although it's usually okay to use reverse psychology in moderation, it's definitely not something you should be doing all the time.
    • A healthy partnership requires open and honest communication, especially about differences of opinion, and reverse psychology is basically the opposite of this.
    • ”Healthy communication involves sharing how you feel, not bottling things up [...] It involves understanding and validating your partner’s perspective,” explains Schewitz. [13]
    • The bottom line: Try not to jump to reverse psychology tactics if you and your partner aren’t on the same page. Instead, really listen to what he’s saying, and try to understand his point of view. At the end of the day, this is the foundation for a healthy, lasting relationship!
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      References

      1. ↑ Julia McCurley. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/reverse-psychology
      3. ↑ https://uknow.uky.edu/research/allure-forbidden-fruit-can-stifle-romance
      4. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/reverse-psychology/
      5. ↑ Julia McCurley. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      6. ↑ Julia McCurley. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      7. ↑ Julia McCurley. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      8. ↑ Julia McCurley. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      9. ↑ https://time.com/59786/how-to-flirt-backed-by-scientific-research/
      1. ↑ https://time.com/59786/how-to-flirt-backed-by-scientific-research/
      2. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      3. ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
      4. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.

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