Q&A for How to Be a Good Friend to Someone with Gender Dysphoria

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How do you help someone with gender dysphoria?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Gender Diversity Specialist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Gender Diversity Specialist

Expert Answer

It's not necessarily your job to go out of your way and solve your friend's gender dysphoria for them. Just listen to them, treat them like you'd treat anyone else, and offer a hand when they need one. It can be kind of overwhelming for someone with gender dysphoria to feel like people are stepping on eggshells or trying to treat them like they're injured, or require saving. Just be a good friend!

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Is it okay to ask someone with gender dysphoria what it feels like?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Gender Diversity Specialist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Gender Diversity Specialist

Expert Answer

If you're friends with this person and you have that kind of open, communicative relationship, it's probably okay. I wouldn't urge you to do this, though. It can be really tiring for someone with gender dysphoria to constantly explain what they're going through over and over again. Try doing your own research and educate yourself. This way, you won't be pushing your friend to do all of this labor for you.

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Question

How can I provide long-distance support for my trans friend struggling with dysphoria?

wikiHow Staff Editor
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This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

Keep up regular communication with your friend and check in about their wellbeing. Let them know that you're still there for them via text message, video chat, or phone call if they ever need someone to talk to! Continue to educate yourself about trans issues and offer to share resources you find with your friend.

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My trans friend came out to me and my male friends, and she asked that we keep it secret. I've been doing that, but my friends haven't. Should I tell her or not?

wikiHow Staff Editor
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wikiHow Staff Editor

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Yes, since they're spreading her private information, you should let her know. That way, she can decide how she'd like to interact/speak with with those friends, and she can prepare herself if the information has spread further than she intended it to.

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I'm dealing with transphobic thoughts, even though I think I'm trans myself. What should I do?

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wikiHow Staff Editor

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Talking to a counselor or mental health professional can help you work through your negative thoughts and feelings. On top of that, there are so many online and in-person communities out there to support you! For online resources, check out The Trevor Project's free 24/7 hotline (866-4-U-TREVOR) and the It Gets Better Project page for national and local resources for trans people.

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I have a trans friend that vents to me and my friends a lot, but it's difficult for us to respond without offending her. What can I say to help without making her mad?

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Staff Answer

You may not be able to fully "solve" or understand your friend's problems, but you can affirm how she's feeling or rephrase what she's said in response. Use a sentence like "It sounds like..." or simply empathize by saying "Yeah, that's so tough/unfair." If you're not sure why you're offending her, say, "I'm really sorry. I want to do better. How can I best support you?"

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I was snooping and discovered my best friend is trans. I feel really guilty, especially since I wasn't actually looking for her information. Do I tell her I know?

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wikiHow Staff Editor

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It's best to let people come out to you on their own time. Telling her that you found out might make her feel uncomfortable, especially if she didn't actually want you to know that information or isn't ready to let that info be known.

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I am a girl and so is my best friend. However, she just told me that she is transgender and wants me to refer to her with male pronouns, but I want a girl best friend. Is that wrong?

Community Answer

No, it's not wrong, but you can't force your friend to be someone he isn't. If you want a girl best friend, then you need to find a new best friend who identifies as a girl. Otherwise you will have to learn to accept your best friend for who he is.

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Question

How do I help my friend overcome gender dysphoria if I believe it's a mental disorder?

Community Answer

If your friend is experiencing gender dysphoria, it's not your place to try to help them "overcome" it. If they want to talk to someone about their feelings, they can see a professional therapist who can help them understand and come to terms with their gender identity. You can help your friend by calling them their preferred pronouns and supporting them when they need it.

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Question

My sister has a friend who has gender dysphoria who pretends to be a boy. She told me, but her friend made her swear not to tell anyone. I feel guilty that I know.

Rucha Naik

Community Answer

Straighten it out with the person. Get your sister to apologize to him as well. Your sister must understand that this was his secret and he is the only person who should be telling it. However, if you tell him the truth and you both apologize, then he may forgive both you and your sister.

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Question

I'm a trans guy and I've been out to my friends for 6 months. I've asked ALL of them to use male pronouns and my new name, but none of them do. Advice?

Community Answer

Get your friends together and explain this to them one more time, calmly. Tell them how important it is to you that they use the correct pronouns and name, and if you haven't already, explain what dysphoria is. If they continue to disregard what you've told them, find new friends.

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Question

My partner has recently came out to me that they've been questioning their gender and might be trans, but their parents aren't very accepting. They've been really stressed out, how can I help them?

Kate_2264

Community Answer

Show your acceptance as much as you can without overdoing it. Listen to them if they need to vent, and give advice when solicited.

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Question

I'm a trans guy with gender dysphoria. A few of my friends make fun of me for it, and touch my chest. I ask them to stop but they won't. What do I do?

Community Answer

Tell them that this is extremely upsetting and ask them one more time to please never do it again. If they persist, end the friendships. They are being really disrespectful and insensitive (and basically sexually harassing you), and you deserve better.

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Question

Can someone realize they were trans "later on" compared to other's still fit the criteria of being trans?

Nico

Top Answerer

Yes. There's really no 'criteria' for being trans or nonbinary. It makes no difference when you realized you were trans. Some people realize as young children, others as teenagers, and still others as adults.

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Question

What do I do if my partner wants to keep clothing on during intimate times?

Community Answer

Talk to them about it, its important to discuss what your partner is and is not comfortable doing. If they want to keep their clothes on, the chances are they are just going to focus on you, so just lie back and enjoy it.

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I have a partner who says that they think they are trans. Would it make them dysphoric if I just called them by he/him pronouns when we are alone? Most people around them don't know and I can't out them.

Community Answer

The way dysphoria manifests itself is different for every person. Ask them their preferred pronouns and where they would like you to use them.

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Question

I want to bring my trans woman friend out shopping for feminine clothing since she’s been feeling dysphoric lately. Is that a good idea?

Ruby

Top Answerer

It might be. Ask her if she is up for it. Wearing certain clothes can alleviate dysphoria for some people.

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Question

What do I do if my friend won't hug me anymore if I came out as trans?

Community Answer

Explain to them that this is you, whether they love it or hate it. You don’t need people like that in your life because they’ll only ever hold you back. But it also sounds like you haven't come out yet, so maybe have some faith in your friend before assuming the worst.

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