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Learn what they say and do to manipulate others
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Does something about your friend, partner, or family member feel off? Are you constantly questioning yourself when you’re around them? You’ve heard the term "narcissist" before, but they can’t possibly be narcissistic when they’re so shy and introverted...right? Actually, covert narcissists have the same traits as overt narcissists, only watered down. Check out our list of weird things covert narcissists do to get their way (and get tips on how to deal with them). But keep in mind that just because someone has narcissistic traits, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose NPD. [1]

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Casey Lee, founder of Rooted Hearts Counseling LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Narcissism is an umbrella term, and covert narcissists tend to be subtle in their actions, be more introverted, and have a superiority complex.
  • A covert narcissist may make themselves appear grander, more powerful, and more confident to mask their insecurities.
  • Looking good on the outside is often a covert narcissist’s main priority, even if they are passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive behind closed doors.
4

They might lie or give fake apologies.

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  1. The lies they tell may not be elaborate—they could be as simple as saying they’ve done the dishes when they haven’t. They may twist the truth to match their agenda, then respond with an insincere apology if caught.
    • Call them out on their lie by saying, “I know what I saw” or “You always have to be right about everything.” [3]
    • When dealing with a narcissistic person , especially if you live with them, it’s important to have a support system. Reach out to friends, family, or a counselor you trust to talk things through and gain new perspectives.
6

They tend to put themselves first.

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  1. Narcissism can make it hard to feel empathy. Because of this, people with narcissistic tendencies often think of themselves first rather than their friends, partner, or family.
    • This behavior can be physical or mental. Perhaps they always walk ahead of you or bring up something upsetting before a big event.
    • Sometimes, the best way to deal with this behavior is to distance yourself. This isn’t always an option, but even the smallest bit of space can help you regather your thoughts and pave the way toward a meaningful conversation.
8

They’re self-deprecating.

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  1. Narcissism is usually a mask for insecurity, so narcissistic people are often on a constant hunt for validation and attention. [7] People with covert narcissistic tendencies may even purposefully play down their skills or achievements to receive praise and reassurance.
    • Look out for phrases like, “I’m a bad person” or “My life is meaningless.”
    • Try your best not to play into this “woe is me” act. If you don’t take their bait, they’ll eventually stop fishing.
    • Respond with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” to reset the situation.
9

They can’t take criticism.

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  1. They may be resistant even to kindly-delivered criticism. [8] If you offer any advice or criticism on their appearance, behavior, or hobbies, they may lash out or suddenly become distant.
    • Criticism damages their idealized image of themselves, so they may be likely to dismiss any negative comments.
    • People with covert narcissistic tendencies may not have a go-getter attitude and may be more likely to blame others for their lack of success.
    • Ask yourself if continuing to critique and confront them is worth it. If they’re willing to listen and change, amazing! If they’re not, maybe you should stop trying to help.
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11

They might shower you with affection.

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12

They may be extra competitive.

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13

They may be hypocritical and arrogant.

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  1. It can be difficult for people with covert narcissistic habits to empathize with others, and their insecurities and anxieties may cause them to be wishy-washy with their beliefs. They might preach one idea and then go against it the next day because they “know better.” [12]
    • They may crave validation and might therefore dismiss the opinions and knowledge of others.
    • We know this behavior can be beyond frustrating, but try not to acknowledge it. The more attention you give them, the more likely they are to continue manipulating.
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14

They may play the victim.

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  1. People who display narcissistic traits may be resistant to seeing themselves as wrong or to blame—even if they are. They may gaslight you into thinking you’re at fault, despite knowing deep down that you’re not. [13]
    • This is a defense mechanism against their own faults and wrongdoings. They’re insecure, and putting others down can help them feel better.
    • Make sure they don’t silence you—your voice deserves to be heard, and your experiences are valid. [14]
15

They may micromanage.

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  1. They may like things to be done in a particular order or way. Even if they ask you to do something by yourself, you may notice them hovering over you.
    • Try defusing the situation by saying something like, "How about we try it a different way this time?" or "Things can be done differently and still be great. Let me show you."
    • If a person with covert narcissistic tendencies does something rude or unkind, gently point it out to them. They may not realize what they’re doing is hurting you—there’s always room for a covert narcissist to change, as long as they’re willing to do the work. [15]
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