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Sometimes, your mom will not click instantly with your girlfriend. This can cause a great deal of conflict at home and with your girl. Convincing your mom to accept your new girlfriend can be especially tough. The first thing to consider is that maybe your mom is onto something. [1] X Research source However, once you’ve done some soul searching and made up your mind that this girl is right for you, you should be able to get your parents on board with clear communication and some patience.
Steps
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Ask your mom directly what her reservations are. Your mom won’t see your girlfriend the way you do at the beginning, but that’s normal. [2] X Research source Give your mom room to voice her issues about your girlfriend and feel heard. Once you know what your mom doesn’t like, you can address the issues directly.- You could start the conversation by saying, “Mom, I can tell you have some doubts about my girlfriend. What is it that makes you think she isn’t right for me?”
- If she gives feelings without specifics, you could say, “I understand how you feel, but what are the specific things you have seen or heard that make you feel that way? I want to make sure I understand what has caused your negative feelings.”
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Appeal to your mom’s sense of fairness. If your mother is attacking your girlfriend personally or expressing doubts without enough experience, frame her judgments as they are: personal and premature.- If possible, bring your mother to the side to have a conversation with her so you can really understand her motives and what is going on.
- For example, you might say, “I understand you don’t like those things, but how do they make my girlfriend a bad person or bad for me?”
- If your mom has yet to even meet your girlfriend, you might try, "Mom, I know that you are hesitating to accept her as part of my life, but it's a little hasty to judge someone before meeting her. It’s not fair to her or me not to even give her a chance.”
- In these situations, your partner should just take a step back. Regardless of what the topic is, it's not necessary for her to feel like she has to immediately defend herself. Help her realize that she doesn't have to win this battle, because there's probably a long war to be won for the relationship to work.
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Don’t be defensive. [3] X Research source If your mom does have a long list of things she doesn’t like about your girlfriend, your first reaction might be to jump to your girl’s defense. Resist that urge and keep listening. Acknowledge if your mother makes a legitimate point without losing ground. For example:- If your mother rightly points out that your girlfriend is often late, you could say, “She can be late sometimes, but it’s not out of disrespect and doesn’t affect our relationship.”
- If your mom is right that your girlfriend misplaces items easily, try, “Yes, she lost a pair of sunglasses and her water bottle. She’s never lost anything important, and how does any of that make her a bad person or a bad girlfriend anyway?”
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Convince your mom that she raised you to make good decisions. This appeals to your mother’s sense of pride. What parent doesn’t want to feel like they have raised a responsible and conscientious child? For instance, you could try saying one or more of the following lines:- ”Mom, you taught me to always be honest with my feelings and genuine around people. The more I did that, the more my girlfriend and I started getting along. We are dating because I followed your advice and learned to be a good person.”
- ”You taught me to make a list of pros and cons when making a big decision. When I decided to date my girlfriend, the pros totally outweighed the cons five to one.”
- ”When I started working at the café near school, I learned how important free time is. When I asked myself what I could do to make the most of my precious free time, I decided this relationship was right for me. I made a rational decision based on a lesson you wanted me to learn.”
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Remind your mom how dating has changed since she was a girl. Dating and romance change as culture and the times change so take a little time to point out some of those new developments to your mom. She might not understand your relationship because she is looking at it from within an older worldview.- For example, you could say, “Things aren’t as formal now, mom. Just because my girlfriend doesn’t come to the door every time she picks me up doesn’t mean she is disrespecting you. She texts when she is pulling up outside, and I run out the door. It’s quicker and easier.”
- Give your mom a lesson in social media and try, “We don’t have to talk on the phone as much or plan dates, mom. We know each other pretty well already because we are friends online, and we hang out a lot with our shared group of friends when we go out.”
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Reassure your mom that your girlfriend is not taking her place. Your mom wants to know that you still need her, not just her money! If you let your girlfriend take on all the roles your mom once did, you risk alienating your mom even more.- You could say, “She is just my girlfriend, mom. She isn’t the only friend I have or the only girl I respect. You’ve been my mom my whole life and will stay my mom for the rest of our lives; I know that.”
- Trust that your mom is feeling the stress of this conflict too. [4] X Research source
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Discuss broader relationship issues with your mom. Let your mom know that you respect her opinions and want her to stay involved in your changing life. She has more experience in the world of romance than you, and it shows wisdom on your part to trust her judgment.- Your mom will trust your judgment more if she knows you take time to think and talk through your relationships.
- Your mom used to be a girl (maybe one not altogether different from your girlfriend) so she has insight into how things work in "girl world."
- Getting an adult’s perspective on love can help you keep your feet on the ground when dating and romance can make your head spin.
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Control the urge to talk non-stop about your girlfriend. If your mom doesn’t like your girlfriend, hearing you become obsessed or single-minded will only support her reservations. Your girlfriend should be just one part of a healthy, colorful life.- If your girlfriend becomes the center of your existence, you give your mom a strong argument against the relationship.
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Enlist friends and siblings to help. Get your support group on board talking up your girlfriend and pointing out when your mom says something unfair or out of line. Seeing how people other than you trust and appreciate your girlfriend can slowly wear your mom’s reservations down.- Ask friends to casually mention some mom-friendly things about your girlfriend in conversation. For example, they could say, “Man, your girlfriend killed at that test today,” or, “Sorry we’re late, but your girlfriend just had to walk a bunch of carts back to the store before she’d get in the car.”
- Your siblings could ask you questions when your mother is around like, “Why are you so happy today?” or “Why did you put all your clothes away so fast?” Your answers give you a chance to brag about your girl.
- Don’t be too obvious, or your mother will get the idea that something is up.
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Avoid taking sides. You might feel like you are caught in the middle between your parents and your girlfriend, and that’s because you are. However, taking sides by pulling away from your family or playing one against the other rarely works. [5] X Research source- Remember that the goal is to have everyone get along. You need to stay on both sides.
- Avoid speaking negatively about one person when alone with the other. You want your mom and girlfriend to respect each other, not just tolerate one another.
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Find things that your mom and girlfriend have in common and use them to bridge the gap. [6] X Research source You get along with both your mom and your girlfriend so there must be a few hobbies, opinions, favorites, or personal similarities that you can use to ease your mom’s nerves.- Mention these things around your mother casually so it isn’t obvious what you’re doing.
- If your mom says something that your girlfriend would agree with, try saying something like, “That’s funny. My girlfriend thinks the same thing. I’m not so sure though.” You instantly make your mom and girlfriend a team, and you can play up how your girlfriend eventually helps you see things your mom’s way.
- If you are playing games together, you can play “Girls vs. Boys” to ensure that your mom and girlfriend are literally on the same team for a time.
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Avoid a relationship that brings negative attention to your family. It might sound fake or posturing in this day and age, but the adult world can put a lot of stock in appearances and reputation. [7] X Research source Even if you disagree with the judgmental perspectives involved, you will have an easier time convincing your mom to accept your girlfriend if your relationship is not the talk of the town.- Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, but try to do so while respecting your parents’ opinions.
- Small towns especially can entail intricate family politics that are hard to avoid, and you might not see things the way your parents do.
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Ensure that your girlfriend shows an interest in your hobbies and strengths. If your mom sees her coming to watch you play football, helping you study, or gushing over your artwork, that will help your mom realize that your girl appreciates you for you (not just your boyfriend status).- You could say to your girlfriend, “Hey, my mom is still a little weird about us dating. Would it be okay if we make sure you come to the same games of mine that my mom does so she sees you there each time?”
- If your girlfriend has an innocent gift for you, why not plan to have her give it to you in front of your mom?
- Parents have invested much into your life, and they love you an awful lot. It is natural for them to want you to date someone who is willing to invest in you too.
- Of course, this goes both ways: let your parents see you taking an interest in your girlfriend’s larger life as well.
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Encourage your girlfriend to be sincere and friendly around your mom. Your girlfriend doesn’t have to pretend to like everything your mother does to win over her affection. If your girlfriend is friendly and respectful while still being her genuine self, your mom is more likely to warm up to her.- Everyone can benefit from learning to be courteous while disagreeing with someone.
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Teach your girlfriend the rules and conventions of your home and hold her to them. Your mother’s hesitations will lose steam when your girlfriend acts like a respectful and integrated member of the family already. For instance:- If your mom doesn't like you using your cell phone during dinner, remind your girlfriend not to text during those times.
- If your mom dislikes profanity, let your girlfriend know!
- If family members remove their shoes when they walk in the door, don’t shirk the rule for your girlfriend.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should I do if my mother doesn't like my girlfriend?Omar Ruiz is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and the Owner of TalkThinkThrive, PLLC. With over 11 years of counseling experience, he specializes in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy. He has been featured in numerous publications, including The New York Times, Women’s Health, and WebMD. Omar holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and an MS in Family Therapy from The University of Massachusetts Boston.Will just have to cope with it and try to win her over gradually. What I normally advise couples to do is, if they know that there might be certain topics that might get discussed and that your mother might try "attacking" your girlfriend, you need to have a plan of what you're going to do during those moments. In some cases, you might need to have an exit strategy to remove yourselves from the situation.
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Tips
- Wait for your parents to invite your girlfriend to family events, especially around the holidays. Your mom will feel somewhat protective of your time together as a family and she'll have to warm up to the idea of including an "outsider" in those events.Thanks
- Be patient. Sometimes it takes two people a while to find commonalities and build a rapport.Thanks
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Warnings
- If your girlfriend is not willing to put in the time to win over your mom, take a step back and ask yourself if she is worth it.Thanks
- If you get defensive, your mom will too. That’s not good.Thanks
- Remember that you were mom's "little boy" for many years and it will be difficult for her to feel that anyone is good enough for you.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://stayteen.org/sex-ed/article/how-get-your-parents-understand
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/when-your-family-doesnt-approve-of-your-partner/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/when-your-parents-disapprove-of-your-partner/
- ↑ http://mom.me/latina-mom/20338-liking-your-sons-girlfriend/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/when-your-parents-disapprove-of-your-partner/
- ↑ http://www.theplunge.com/blog/What-to-Do-if-Your-Parents-Dona-t-Approve-of-Her.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hanaan-rosenthal/advice-for-teens_b_2037523.html
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