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Mismatched sex drives can cause tension and resentment in a marriage, but you don’t have to resign yourself to a sexless future. To start, focus on connecting with your wife in non-sexual ways so that she feels loved and appreciated. After that, work on improving things in the bedroom. Don’t forget to rule out any underlying medical or emotional problems your wife might be experiencing.
Things You Should Know
- If your wife is struggling with her libido, try to connect with her outside of the bedroom so she feels loved, supported, and close to you.
- Things like stress and insecurity can affect a person's libido, so try to help her relax or take some of the weight off her shoulders if she feels tense and give her regular compliments to boost her self-esteem.
- In the bedroom, spice things up by trying new things, like changing positions, adding toys or lubricants , or having sex at different times of the day.
- Emotional issues, hormones, fatigue, and even busy schedules can have an impact on your wife's sex drive, so be patient as you work on your intimacy together.
- If you suspect there could be an underlying medical, mental, or emotional issue that's affecting your wife's libido, encourage her to talk to a doctor or see a couples therapist together.
Steps
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Spend quality time with your wife outside the bedroom. Take the time to connect with your wife in non-sexual settings. Try new things together, work on hobbies that both of you enjoy, or just talk to each other. [1] X Research source [2] X Expert Source Susannah Kerwin, ANP-BC, HNP
Nurse Practitioner Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.- For instance, make it part of your evening routine to talk with your wife about how the day went, or plan fun outings on the weekends.
- Building a stronger relationship with your wife may help boost her libido down the line.
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Help your wife relax. Stress, anxiety, and fatigue are common libido killers. Help your wife get in the mood by making sure she has time to recharge. This could mean helping out more around the house, taking the kids to the park in the morning so she can have some quiet time, or just being a supportive listener when she needs it. [3] X Research source [4] X Expert Source Susannah Kerwin, ANP-BC, HNP
Nurse Practitioner Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.- If your wife has an anxiety disorder, seeing a mental health professional might help her feel like herself again.
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Help your wife feel good about herself. If your wife feels insecure about her looks, she might shy away from intimacy. Boost her self-esteem by telling her that you think she’s beautiful. Don’t just say it once, either – compliment her on a regular basis, so she knows you mean it. [5] X Research source
- For instance, you could say, “I love the way you look in that outfit,” “You have such great legs,” or simply, “You look really nice today.”
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Exercise with your wife. Working out can help revive a lagging libido. Encourage your wife to join you for workouts, even if that just means taking a walk. Exercising together is also a great way to sneak more one-on-one time into your day. [6] X Research source
- Try going for a hike on a nearby trail or going for a swim together at the local pool.
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Tell your wife how you’re feeling. Your wife needs to know how her lack of libido is affecting you. Be gentle with her, but be honest. Frame the issue as a problem that both of you are facing together, not as something that she’s doing to you. [7] X Research source
- For instance, you could say, “I really value being close and intimate with you, and when you don’t want to have sex, I feel shut out. I know you’re not having an easy time with this issue either. Can we agree to work on it?”
- Avoid “you” statements, like “You don’t care about me.” This will make your wife feel attacked.
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Talk with your wife about her sexual preferences. Don’t assume you know what your wife likes in bed – ask her. Tell her about your own likes and dislikes, and look for common ground in your preferences. Discuss any new things you might like to try together, too. [8] X Research source
- For instance, you and she might take turns finishing the following sentences:
- “I really like it when…”
- “I feel attractive when…”
- “I feel uncomfortable when…”
- “I’d like to try…”
- For instance, you and she might take turns finishing the following sentences:
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Experiment in the bedroom. Change things up, and try things you normally wouldn’t. Use props, give each other massages, light some candles, or do something else you haven’t tried before. Introducing some different activities can help re-ignite the spark between you and your wife. [9] X Research source
- Keep in mind that women typically need more foreplay than men, so make sure to take your time and don’t just dive right into intercourse.
- Consider trying an open relationship or bringing a new person into the bedroom—if you go this route, try using dating apps to advertise for this type of relationship.
- Reader Poll: We asked 157 wikiHow readers and 57% of them named Tinder as their favorite online dating platform. [Take Poll] So that one might work for you, too!
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Use more lubricant. Many women don’t produce enough lubrication naturally, especially after they go through menopause. This can result in dry, painful sex. If this is the case for your wife, a store-bought lubricant might make sex more comfortable for her. [10] X Research source
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Try having sex at different times of the day. If your wife is too tired or distracted to have sex at night, see if she’s more receptive in the morning or afternoon. People tend to want sex at different times of the day, especially as they get older. [11] X Research source
- If your wife cares for young children, then she may be too tired at night to have sex.
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Pay attention to the time of the month. Your wife may be more receptive to sex at certain points in her hormonal cycle. Many women are most interested in sex several days after their period ends. On the other hand, the week before your wife’s period starts may not be a good time to initiate sex. [12] X Research source
- Instead of guessing, talk to your wife about how she feels at different points in her cycle.
- You may also consider asking your wife to track her cycle on a common calendar that both of you can view.
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Address any emotional problems your wife may be experiencing. Marriage problems or personal problems can affect a person’s sex drive. If you and your wife are having relationship issues unrelated to your sex life, do your part in fixing those. If your wife is having personal problems, do your best to support her, and be patient as she works through them. [13] X Research source
- For instance, if you and your wife have been arguing about your plans for the future lately, that probably has something to do with her lack of libido.
- Illness, family problems, work problems, and general stress could also be affecting your wife’s sex drive.
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Make changes if your kids are impacting your sex life. It’s normal for a couple’s sex life to slow down when they have young children. Pregnancy and breastfeeding can alter your wife’s hormone levels. Fatigue, stress, and the physical changes of having kids can also leave your wife feeling less than sexy. [14] X Research source
- Do your best to stay patient and supportive, especially if you have a baby in the house. Kids grow up fast, and they won’t always need this much of your wife’s attention.
- To help with matters, take over watching the kids sometimes so your wife can catch up on sleep, work out, or take a relaxing bath. If she has time to take care of herself, she might feel like having sex more often.
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Encourage your wife to get a checkup. Sometimes, loss of libido can signal a physical or mental illness. If you’ve tried a number of things and your wife isn’t feeling any different, encourage her to see her doctor and rule out any medical causes for losing her sex drive. [15] X Research source
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Make an appointment with a couples therapist. Sex therapy or couples therapy can help you and your wife work through any underlying problems in your marriage. It may also help both of you to talk through your feelings with a professional present. Even a couple of sessions can help, so don’t hesitate to make an appointment and see how it goes. [16] X Research source
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How Do You Cope With a Partner Who Has Little Desire For Intimacy?
Reinvigorate Your Sex Life with this Expert Series
All marriages go through an occasional dip. If you're feeling disconnected from your partner, use this expert series to assess the situation clearly and even rekindle your love life.
1
Survive a Sexless Marriage
2
What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You: 11 Ways to Work Out Marital Problems
3
A Sexless Marriage: When to Leave, Common Causes, and Fixes
4
The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Your Husband Happy in the Bedroom
5
Why You Might Have a Low Libido (And How to Talk to Your Husband about It)
6
Have Good Sex in Marriage
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References
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/five-steps-to-reviving-sexless-and-sex-starved-marriages-0527145
- ↑ Susannah Kerwin, ANP-BC, HNP. Nurse Practitioner. Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.
- ↑ https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/low-libido
- ↑ Susannah Kerwin, ANP-BC, HNP. Nurse Practitioner. Expert Interview. 28 August 2020.
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-help-your-wife-feel-sexy-again-dg/
- ↑ https://www.healthywomen.org/content/article/firing-sexual-desire
- ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/are-you-spouses-or-just-roommates#1
- ↑ https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sexual-health/talking-about-sex/
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-increase-sexual-desire-for-your-partner-jgc/
- ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/sex-drive-and-menopause#1
- ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/11573143/Men-and-women-want-sex-at-completely-different-times-of-the-day-study-finds.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201008/why-your-wife-hates-sex-and-what-you-can-do-about-it
- ↑ https://www.webmd.com/women/features/when-desire-dies-bringing-your-sex-drive-back-life#1
- ↑ https://www.babycenter.com/404_is-it-normal-not-to-want-sex-after-having-a-baby_11804.bc
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/201001/11-tips-the-spouse-lower-sex-drive
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/24/how-to-cope-with-a-sexless-marriage
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