How Long Does It Take to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse?

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After abuse, it’s normal to struggle with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. [1] You can fully recover from narcissistic abuse, and we’re here to help. We’ve got all your answers about how long it takes to recover from narcissistic abuse. Additionally, we’ll provide you with a comprehensive guide for a healthy recovery.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychologist, Adam Dorsay. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 3:

How long does it take to heal from narcissistic abuse?

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  1. Everyone’s recovery is different, but you can heal from narcissistic abuse. At the beginning, everything can feel hard because you’ve gone through trauma. You may even have a trauma bond with your abuser, which is a strong emotional bond that happens during an abuse cycle. While it takes time to heal, you will feel better along the way, so the future is looking bright. [2]
    • Some people may take weeks or months to recover, while others take years. How long you take will likely depend on how long you were with your abuser or what kind of relationship you had.
    • You'll likely take longer to recover from a narcissistic parent or a long romantic relationship than you would from a short-term relationship.
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Section 2 of 3:

Why is it hard to recover from narcissistic abuse?

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  1. Narcissistic abuse makes you question your own thoughts. You may go back and forth between thinking this person is your soulmate and realizing they’re toxic for you. [3] Additionally, you may blame yourself and wonder if you should go back. Since a narcissist breaks down your self-esteem, you really start to doubt yourself. [4]
    • You might think things like, “Could I have done something more?” “Will I ever find love again?” or “Was it really that bad?”
    • Over time, you’ll learn to trust yourself again, and moving on will be so much easier. Just hang in there because you are going to feel so much happier.
Section 3 of 3:

Steps to Recovery

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  1. When you pull away, a narcissist will try to pull you back. They’ll often return to love bombing and making you feel like you’re connected to each other. This is called “hoovering” because they’re sucking you back in. The only way to truly move on from a narcissist is to go no contact . [5]
    • You might be tempted to reach out once you start missing them. Remind yourself that narcissists can't give you the love you want because they just aren’t capable of it. [6] You deserve someone who can really love and support you, so focus on the future.
    • You may not be able to go no contact if you have children together, they’re a close family member, or you see them every day. In that case, limit your contact to only what’s necessary, such as conversations about your kids or family holidays.
  2. You get to define what you want your relationships to look like. A toxic person can make you feel powerless, but you do have the power to take control. Start by deciding what you’re willing to do for someone, as well as what you don’t want to do. Moving forward, speak up if someone violates your boundaries and give yourself permission to say “no.” [7]
    • You may decide that you won’t continue to talk to someone who calls you names.
    • You might commit to saying “no” to things you don’t want to do.
    • You could commit to not doing favors for someone who doesn’t help you.
  3. It’s painful to let go of the relationship you wanted. Whether this person was your ex, a friend, or a parent, you likely envisioned a life with them. Allow yourself to grieve for what you’ve lost. [8]
    • You may even cycle through the stages of grief, which include denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.
    • During denial, you may struggle to accept what happened. Similarly, you may try to convince yourself you can go back to the narcissist during bargaining.
    • When you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse, you may also experience confusion as an early stage of grief. It can be hard to make sense of what happened and to understand who you are without the narcissist in your life. These answers will come to you in time. [9]
  4. You are not to blame for how a narcissist treats you. They have a pattern of treating someone well at first, and then slowly breaking them down. They’ll do the exact same thing to the next person they target, and there’s nothing you could have done to make the relationship better. You deserve more than they could give. [10]
    • Blaming yourself is often part of the “denial” or “guilt” phase of recovering from narcissistic abuse. It’s hard to accept that someone abused you, so you start to blame yourself, even though you’re not at fault. [11]
    • If your parent is a narcissist, they likely didn’t intend to hurt you as much as they did. [12] However, they’re still to blame for treating you so poorly and causing you pain.
  5. Having a relationship with a narcissist really takes a toll on you, so get yourself some cheerleaders. Reach out to old friends, or attend local events or meetups to make new friends. From now on, focus on the healthy, happy relationships in your life. [13]
    • Ask friends and family members you trust to be your lifeline when you need to vent or you feel tempted to reach out to the narcissist.
    • After ending a relationship, it’s a good time to make some new friends. You might try Meetup.com or Facebook events to find people close to you who have similar interests.
  6. A narcissist works hard to break down your self-esteem so you feel like you’re less than them. They want you to feel bad about yourself so you hold them in high esteem. [14] [15] However, you’re worthy of love and have wonderful strengths and unique qualities that make you special. Work on improving your self-esteem by: [16]
    • Challenging negative thoughts.
    • Focusing on the positives in your life.
    • Changing situations that are making you unhappy.
    • Cheering yourself on.
    • Making a list of your strengths.
    • Doing things you enjoy.
    • Taking care of yourself.
  7. Connect with your own dreams, goals, and interests. A narcissist makes you see the world through their eyes, and they often squash down who you truly are. You deserve to live a life that makes you happy, so now’s the time to figure out what that looks like. Set some goals for yourself and start pursuing what makes you happy. [17] You could try:
    • Taking an art class.
    • Running.
    • Enrolling in college.
    • Applying for your dream job.
    • Re-decorating your living space.
    • Going on a trip.
    • Collecting something, like leaves or postcards.
    • Getting a pet.
    • Taking up a hobby, like drawing, baking, or upcycling.
  8. Express your feelings through journaling or talking to someone. Releasing your emotions can help you heal and move on from the abuse. At first, you might feel confused about what happened and may not know how you feel. That’s okay. Give yourself all the time you need to work through this. [18]
  9. You can’t change the past, but you can create a better future. Narcissistic abuse is traumatic, and it can be hard to accept that all of your experiences really happened. Start by letting yourself feel whatever emotions come up. Then, take ownership of your past so you can truly move on. [20]
    • Even though you’re not to blame, you may be angry with yourself for not leaving sooner. Forgive yourself for needing time to recognize your power to stand up for yourself.
    • It may also help you move on to forgive the narcissist who hurt you.
  10. Watch for behaviors you recognize as narcissistic. Take a step back when someone tries to love bomb you or tells you they feel a connection to you way too quickly. They could be a narcissist trying to reel you into a relationship. [21]
    • Having a narcissistic parent can actually make you more prone to seeking out narcissistic romantic partners. [22] Fortunately, you can break the cycle and find healthier relationships.
    • As hard as this experience was, it may help you build healthier, happier relationships in the future.
  11. You may want help with your recovery from narcissistic abuse. A therapist can help you work through your feelings and learn better coping skills. Additionally, they can help you understand what happened to you and how you can move on from it. [23]
    • You can find a therapist online or through your insurance company.
    • Your therapy sessions may be covered by insurance, so check your benefits.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Why do I keep dating narcissists?
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You may have grown up with a narcissist who modeled this type of relationship for you. For instance, when you grow up with a narcissistic parent, you learn to question yourself and focus entirely on them. When you start dating, you seek out this type of a relationship with a partner because it's what you learned as a child. Fortunately, you can break free of this cycle by challenging your thoughts about yourself and tending to your own needs first. Working with a therapist can really help you break this pattern.
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  • Question
    Is every narcissist the same?
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
    Jay Reid, LPCC
    Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Expert Answer
    No, narcissism actually has a lot of different permutations. Despite that, most narcissists follow a cycle of abuse that starts with them idealizing you. After they feel like you're attached, they'll turn on you and start criticizing you and making you feel like less than them. Eventually, they may suddenly end the relationship when they move on to someone else. However, if you try to leave, they will probably try to suck you back in, which is called hoovering.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      Tips

      • It’s common for narcissists to move on quickly from a broken relationship. Try not to take this personally. They just need someone to feed their ego. [24]
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      • Narcissists are often attracted to happy, talented people because it’s more fun to break them down.
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      Warnings

      • A narcissist will tell you anything to get you back in their life. Don’t believe any of their lies. They will not change because they’re not capable of it.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Adam Dorsay, PsyD .

      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage#1
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201911/6-core-insights-narcissistic-abuse-recovery-coach
      3. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201807/how-do-i-heal-narcissistic-abuse
      5. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      6. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
      7. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202105/grief-relief-healing-after-abuse
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201807/how-do-i-heal-narcissistic-abuse
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201911/6-core-insights-narcissistic-abuse-recovery-coach
      3. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      6. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      7. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
      8. ↑ > https://positivepsychology.com/goal-setting/
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse/
      10. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202101/what-moving-really-looks
      12. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/
      13. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.
      14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage#1
      15. ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-manage-a-narcissist

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