How to Tell if Someone Is Using You for Sex (& What To Do About It)

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Learn the signs of being used for sex & how to handle your feelings
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Unless you’re both on the same page about things, a relationship that revolves only around sex isn’t usually a healthy one. It can leave you feeling drained, disappointed, and used. But it doesn’t have to be this way! We talked to relationship coach Crista Beck and family therapist Moshe Ratson to show you the biggest signs you’re being used, how to confirm it, and what to do about it.

Are you being used for sex?

If they’re just using you for sex, it’ll be the first thing on their mind when they see you, and it will feel like all you talk about. They won’t try very hard to connect on a more personal level, or invest in the relationship. They’ll also probably get pushy or moody if you turn down sex.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs You’re Being Used for Sex

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  1. Beck tells us it’s a red flag if they only text you when they want sex, like late at night. If the texts and calls only come when they’re bored, drunk, or lonely, you may want to consider the possibility that you’re being used for sex. Pay attention to whether you ever hear from them during the day or if they respond to your messages and calls within a reasonable amount of time.
    • If they text you every time they’re out drinking at a bar and it’s late at night, they’re probably looking for a hookup.
    • If you talk often throughout the day about things other than getting together to have sex, there may be more depth to the relationship.
  2. Beck says another sign is when they don’t just hang out with you, or they make excuses for why they can’t do normal things that aren’t sex. Do they prefer to come over to your place or have you over to theirs? If you ask them to go out and do something, do they seem uninterested? Keep in mind that this could be done under the guise of being romantic—but staying in means the chances of having sex are much higher than if you’re out in public.
    • Some people are just homebodies, and that’s okay! If the person you’re seeing likes to be home, think about how often you spend time together that doesn’t end in them initiating sex.
  3. Beck warns that someone who’s using you will only want to talk about sex, or will find ways to make the conversation about sex. Look at your text messages and see how often the conversation takes on a flirty or sexual tone. Think about whether or not you have conversations that are about everyday things, like work, hobbies, or funny things that happened.
    • Pay attention to how your conversations go when you’re together, too. If things always seem to take a sexual turn, that most likely means that person has only one thing on their mind.
  4. If the other person doesn’t take the time to make sure you both are having a fulfilling experience, they may be interested only in their own needs. [1] If at the end of the night you’re left feeling unsatisfied and unheard, listen to that feeling! It may be that you need to speak up and have a conversation about your needs , but it also could mean that they aren’t concerned about your needs.
    • If you do ask them to try different things or tell them what you prefer and they don’t listen, that’s a clear sign that they’re there for their own benefit.
  5. It’s nice to be complimented on their looks, but if this person doesn’t seem to notice the other great things about you—like your intelligence, humor, or compassion—they only have one thing on their mind. Or, they might compliment you in hopes of getting sex in return. [2] Think about whether or not you feel known and connected or if you feel like your body is the only thing that matters.
    • Ask them what they find attractive about you. If their list is full of physical descriptions, ask them what they like about you other than your looks. This could jog a deeper discussion or cue you into their true intentions .
  6. If you’re regularly having sex but have never met any of their friends or family, it could mean that they aren’t interested in having a real relationship with you. Similarly, pay attention to how they act when you mention introducing them to your friends . Are they interested or do they always happen to be busy? Usually, couples make an effort to participate in each others’ lives. [3]

    Tip: If you do meet their friends or family, pay close attention to how you are introduced to them. You could even ask the person you’re sleeping with how they describe your relationship to other people or if other people even know you’re spending time together.

  7. Ratson warns us about people who say they’ll take the next step but don’t follow through. He says, “You ask your partner to do X and he says ‘Yeah, I'm going to do it’ and they never do that.” A person could tell you lots of sweet, romantic things about how they want to be together, but if their actions don’t match up with those sentiments, they may be using you.
    • If they say they want to go out on nice dates but are always too tired when the time comes around, that signifies that it isn’t a real priority for them. [4]
    • On the flip-side, if they are saying things like “I just want things to be casual,” or “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” listen to them. Those are clear statements about their intentions that shouldn’t be ignored.
  8. If you ever say “no” to sex , or tell them that you’re not feeling it, and they try to convince you anyway, that’s a clear sign that they don’t care about your boundaries. They only care about satisfying themselves, and they see you as a tool to get that done. [5] It’s never okay to keep chasing sex after someone says they don’t want it.
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How did they act when you first started dating?

Section 2 of 3:

Testing their Intentions

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  1. Pick an activity outside of the house that has nothing to do with hooking up, like volunteering, working out, going to a community event, or even just meeting up for a coffee. Make it clear that you have a commitment afterward so you won’t be able to hang out all day or evening and see if they agree. If they always make excuses or are busy, they may not be interested in anything other than sex. [6]
    • For example, send them a text that says something like, “There’s a super cool event downtown next Saturday morning. Want to meet up and get coffee and walk around together? I have to meet my mom that afternoon, but I’d love to spend some time together beforehand.”
    • Or say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little cooped up lately and need to get out of the house. Want to join me for a run at the park after work?”
  2. The next time you’re together and they go to initiate sex, simply say, “I’m not in the mood. Let’s just spend time together.” If they stop being charming and affectionate once sex is off the table, that’s a clear sign that they were mainly interested in hooking up, and don’t really care about your own well-being. [7]
    • If they say that’s fine and settle in to simply hang out, that is great! But if they get cranky or leave, you have your answer.
  3. After you do have sex, do they leave soon after or act like they’re ready to be alone? Do they get on their phone or turn on the TV and stop interacting with you? You probably feel ignored or undervalued. [8] Try engaging them in some other activity, like getting something to eat, going to the movies, or just talking to see if they’re interested in spending time together even after sex.
    • Pay attention to how you feel you’re treated after sex. If you feel ignored or used, there is a reason for that. Chances are you’re not being unreasonable or dramatic—trust your intuition.
  4. Send them a text about a work problem or a conflict with a friend and pay attention to what they say and how long it takes them to respond. Look for concern, compassion, or advice. If they don’t respond or just say something flippant, like, “Bummer,” they aren’t providing you with the kind of emotional support that a healthy relationship requires. [9]
    • Someone who is only interested in sex isn’t going to be very invested in your emotional well-being.
  5. The next time you’re sick or just feeling a little down, tell them. See if they offer to help you or do something to cheer you up. If they aren’t interested in seeing you or talking until you’re feeling better, that is a sign that they’re mainly interested in their own needs. [10]
    • If they check up on you, bring you food, or do something else for you, that’s super nice and shows that they do care about you.
  6. Try moving your relationship outside of the bedroom if you’re worried about it being only about sex. Arrange a hangout with their friends out at dinner or a bar, or invite them to spend time with your family or friends the next time you have plans together. Tell them it’d mean a lot to you. If they turn down the idea, that’s a red flag. [11]
    • If they always come up with excuses or are busy when you want to see their friends or have them meet yours, pay attention to that. It shows that they aren’t interested in becoming a bigger part of your life.
Section 3 of 3:

What to Do Next

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  1. If you’re unhappy with your relationship, the best thing you can do is make that known . [12] Sit your partner down, call them, or send them a text, and tell them honestly how you feel and why. Use “I” statements to avoid making them feel attacked. For example, say:
    • “I feel like there’s not much to our relationship beyond sex, and I’m looking for something more than that. Is that something you want, too?”
    • Or say, “Lately, it feels like we’re only having sex and not really connecting. What are you looking for in a relationship?”
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    You have to be honest, you have to be clear, you have to communicate what you want. And if you communicate again and again and the other person promises you again and again and after that he's not doing it, that's the sign that it's not going to work out.

  2. After you tell them what you want from the relationship, keep note of how you feel moving forward. If they’re truly invested in you, they’ll make an effort to make the relationship more well-rounded, and to meet your needs. Or, if they’re all talk and no game, the relationship will still feel like it’s stuck, and you’ll still feel used. [13]
    • It’s best to set clear goals and expectations that they can either pass or fail, like having a weekly date night that doesn’t end in sex, or putting their phone away in the bedroom.
  3. “If you're in this kind of situation,” Beck says, “you want to evaluate like, is this the kind of thing I want? Or do I want a relationship?” Ask yourself if you feel fulfilled and happy in this situation, and if you could keep living this way for the foreseeable future. If your partner changes after you tell them your concerns, then that’s a good sign.
    • On the other hand, if things stay the same, it might be time to move on.
  4. 4
    Get some distance if you’re still feeling used. “If you want a relationship, you need to let go of someone that is just initiating a sexual connection with you and not investing in you in other ways,” Beck tells us. It’s not healthy for you to just let things keep going the way they are, and it’s not fair. Tell them you want to take a break to reevaluate, or end the relationship altogether.
    • For example, say, “I don’t think this situation is healthy for me, and I’ve decided to take some time to myself. Maybe we can talk in a month to see how we feel.”
    • Or, say: “I’ve decided that this isn’t working out, and I think we should see other people who want the same things we do.”
    • If you do end things, take it easy for a while, and spend time doing things you like, like spending time with family and friends, to reconnect with your own wants and needs.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I stop being used for sex?
    Crista Beck
    Dating Coach & Matchmaker
    Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.
    Crista Beck
    Dating Coach & Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Remember—no one can use you without your permission. If you don't like how you're being treated, you can leave at any time and decline to participate in stuff. If you're looking for a relationship, you deserve to be with someone who invests in you.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 5
  • Question
    I'm a teenage girl and my boyfriend is almost always sexual. Is it just his hormones? Or is he only interested in one thing? He compliments me, but I feel unsure.
    Sarah Battilana
    Community Answer
    Hormones definitely play a big part in how teenagers interact with each other, but if you feel like he is mainly interested in sex, trust your gut! See how he responds if you tell him you aren't in the mood to fool around. Also, see how he acts when you try to talk to him about your daily life--if the conversation or situation always turns sexual, that is a big sign. You could try talking to him about the imbalance you sense to deepen your connection.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 4 Helpful 24
  • Question
    How do you know if a guy is using you for your body?
    Drew Hawkins1
    Community Answer
    Try taking a look at your interactions with him. If he texts you or calls you only late at night or when he's been drinking, it could be because he only wants to use you for sex. If he doesn't want to go out for dates and prefers to stay at home, it may not be because he wants things to be more romantic. He could be trying to set up a more likely situation where you'll have sex with him. Another clue could be how he communicates with you. If things always seem to take a sexual turn, that most likely means that person has one thing on their mind.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/sex-relationships/am-i-being-used/
      2. ↑ https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/sex-relationships/am-i-being-used/
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
      4. ↑ https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/news/a3918/only-in-it-for-sex/
      5. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/things-that-crossed-the-line-for-me/
      6. ↑ https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/news/a3918/only-in-it-for-sex/
      7. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/things-that-crossed-the-line-for-me/
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
      1. ↑ https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/sex-relationships/am-i-being-used/
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship
      3. ↑ https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/am-i-stupid-loving-guy-who-only-wants-sex
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship

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