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Learn to move on and reframe your mindset
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Life is unpredictable and all of us are faced with challenges and problems. Often times, we question our past and wonder what would have happened if things had turned out differently. These thoughts can be consuming and keep us from moving forward in life. Dwelling in the past can lead to anxiety and depression. [1] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Your time is too valuable to waste on living in the past, so if you are looking to break that habit, you've come to the right place.
How to Stop Dwelling on the Past
- Journal or talk to a friend or therapist to express your feelings about the past.
- Understand that you can’t change the past and instead, focus on the present.
- Practice mindfulness, try a new hobby, or make plans to get your mind off the past.
Steps
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Express your hurt. There are many sources of pain in life. You may have made a mistake, regret a decision, failed to take an opportunity, hurt someone, or were hurt by someone. Instead of reliving your past over and over in your head, get it out. [2] X Research source
- Express yourself by writing in a journal, talking to a trusted friend or family member, or talking to a professional counselor. [3] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source
- If your hurt involves another person, you can talk to the person about how you feel or write the person a letter. If you do not want to talk to the person, you can write a letter to the person, but never send the letter to the person.
- Expressing your feelings about your past can also help you understand how you really feel about the situation.
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Accept your decisions. Anytime you make a decision, you say yes to one opportunity and say no to other possibilities. It can be easy to sit and wonder "what if," but that only leads to frustration. Running scenarios in your mind will not change what has already happened. Instead of thinking about what may or may not have happened if you made different choices, focus on the present and what you can do now. [4] X Research source
- Accept that your past has happened and you may or may not be proud of what happened. However, it is now part of your story.
- Tell yourself, "I made that decision in my past. It made sense to me at the time. Looking back, it may have been better to ____. However, I could not predict the outcome, but this will help me in the future if I deal with a similar situation."
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Decide to let your past go. Once you have expressed your hurt, make a conscious decision to let it go. Although you cannot change your past, you can choose to not dwell on it and take the steps to move on. Put your focus on the present and your future. [5] X Expert Source Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach Expert Interview. 25 November 2019. When you choose to let it go, you are being proactive about moving on instead of being a victim to your past. [6] X Research source- Tell yourself, "I accept myself and my past. I am choosing to move on from this." or "I will not be defined by my past. I am choosing to move forward."
- This decision is an everyday choice that you are making. You may need to talk to yourself about moving on every morning until you actually get over your past.
Angelina Jolie, Actress & HumanitarianLive authentically in the present. "It’s hard to be clear about who you are when you are carrying around a bunch of baggage from the past. I’ve learned to let go and move into the next place. Make bold choices and make mistakes. It's all those things that add up to the person you become."
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Think about what you have learned. Your past is a learning opportunity for you. Your experience may have taught you abut yourself, other people, or life in general. Sit and think about both the positive and negative things that you have learned, but focus more on the positive lessons. [7] X Research source
- It's okay if you have a hard time thinking of something positive that you learned.
- It may help to make a list of the positive lessons and negative lessons.
- For example, a failed romantic relationship may have shown you traits (e.g. more patient, more affectionate, etc.) that you desire in your next partner.
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Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and has regrets. Your past is your past. It is not something that is currently happening or is guaranteed to happen in the future. You are more than your past. It does not define you. [8] X Research source Forgive yourself and allow yourself to move forward with your life.
- Write yourself a letter that details what happened, what you may have done differently, what influenced your choices at the time, and how you feel about yourself. Conclude the letter by writing about forgiving yourself and appreciating the person that you are now.
- Tell yourself, "I forgive myself," "I love myself," and "I accept myself."
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Forgive other people. You may have been hurt by another person in your past and continue to relive that painful situation in your mind. You cannot change how that person treated you, but you can choose to forgive . Forgiveness is accepting what happened to you and deciding to let go of the anger and pain so that you can move on. Forgiveness is about you, not the person that has hurt you. [9] X Research source
- Examine what role you played in the situation, if any. Practice empathy and consider the other person's perspective and motivation for their actions. This may help you better understand the situation.
- You can only control yourself and your emotions. Make a choice to forgive the person. You can have a conversation with the person, you can write the person a letter, or you can write a letter and never give it to the person.
- Forgiveness is a process that does not happen overnight.
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Stay away from toxic relationships. There may be toxic people in your life that hinder your ability to grow and move forward. A person may be toxic if you dread being around them, feel bad or ashamed when you are around them, you feel drained or upset after interacting with them, are negatively affected by their personal drama, or are constantly trying to help them or fix them. It is important that you either manage or remove these relationships from your life. [10] X Research source
- If you keep a toxic person in your life, set boundaries that protect you from the person's behavior.
- Tell the person how you feel about their behavior by saying, "When you ___, I feel ____. I need ____. I am sharing my feelings with you because _____."
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Seek a professional counselor. If you need help dealing with your past, a professional counselor or therapist can help you work through your feelings. A professional is trained to listen, help you work through your problems, and give you tools to have a more positive life. Find a therapist that is credentialed, makes you feel comfortable, and has experience treating the problems that you have. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you have health insurance, contact your health insurance provider for a list of mental health professionals. You can also ask for a recommendation from your primary care health provider.
- If you do not have health insurance, you can visit the Partnership for Prescription Awareness Assistance to find a free or low-cost clinic near you.
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Redirect your thoughts. Memories of your past will come to your mind from time to time. The more you try to not think about the past, the more you will think about your past. Instead of trying to fight your thoughts, acknowledge and then redirect them. [12] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Plan out what you will say to yourself when you have the thought. If you start to think about the past, then you will do what?
- If thoughts of your past come to your mind, say to yourself, "It's okay. That was my past, but now I'm focused on _______."
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Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness will help you focus on the present and have more control over your thoughts. [13] X Expert Source Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach Expert Interview. 25 November 2019. The ability to focus your mind on thoughts of your choice will help you stop dwelling on your past. Practice mindful exercises when you find yourself stuck on your past. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source- Focusing on your breath is one of the most common mindfulness exercises. Notice all of the physical sensations as you breathe in and out. How does the air feel moving in and out of your nostrils? Your lungs? Notice how your chest rises.
- Commit to practicing mindfulness everyday. Consistent practice can help improve your mood and reduce the number of negative thoughts you have. [15] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Set a time limit for your thoughts. If you are unable to stop thinking about your past, try to limit the time you spend on these thoughts. Pick a specific amount of time (e.g. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes) and time of day that you will allow yourself to think about your past. Choose a time of day when you are usually relaxed. [16] X Research source
- For example, you may allow the thoughts from 5:00 pm -5:20 pm every evening.
- If you have a thought outside of this time, tell yourself that this is not the time and you will deal with it later.
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Challenge your thoughts. When you dwell on your past, you may have an irrational or distorted view (e.g. "everything is my fault," I'm a bad person," etc.) of what actually happened. You may begin to accept these thoughts as truth and reality. If you begin to challenge your thoughts when they come, you can develop a more objective view. Ask yourself questions such as: [17] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Is there a more positive way I can look at my situation?
- Is there evidence that my thought are true? Evidence that my thoughts are false?
- What would I say to a friend in this situation?
- Are these thoughts helpful?
- Is dwelling on the past helping me or hurting me?
- Instead of telling yourself, "This is too hard, " tell yourself, "I can try to do this," or "Let me attack this from a different angle." [18] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Distract yourself. When you are actively engaged in an activity you enjoy, your thought will not be focused on your past. [19] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Fill your life with activities and people that take your mind off of your past. Find a new hobby (e.g. arts, crafts, sports, reading, etc.), spend time with family and friends, read a book, or watch a movie. Do any activity that you enjoy and that makes you feel good about yourself.
- Make enjoyable activities a regular part of your life.
- Activities that require your complete attention (e.g. cooking a meal, doing a crossword puzzle) or force you to focus on something other than yourself (e.g. taking care of a pet, babysitting a child, etc.) are particularly helpful for shifting your focus.
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Get some exercise . Exercise releases your endorphins (i.e. feel good hormones) and stimulates your nervous system. Try to exercise for 30 minutes or more each day. Exercise that engages both your arms and legs (e.g. walking, running, swimming, dancing, etc.) is best. [20] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Focus on your body and how it moves as you exercise.
- Listen to music that you enjoy while you exercise.
- Try working out with friends and make it a social activity.
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Remove triggers in your life. You may find that certain things cause you to dwell on your past. Listening to a certain type of music, visiting certain places, or watching certain types of movies, etc may cause you to think about your past. Changing some of these behaviors can help you move on. [21] X Research source
- For example, if sad or slow-tempo music causes you to think of your past, change the type of music that you listen to.
- If you notice that you tend to dwell on your past before you go to bed, change your routine by reading or journaling before bed.
- These changes may or may not be permanent. You may be able to do some of these things again once you stop thinking about your past so much.
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Make plans for the future. If you keep looking towards the future , you will not have time to focus on your past. Make a list of things that you are grateful for, that you are looking forward to doing, and things that you would like to do. [22] X Expert Source Annie Lin, MBA
Life & Career Coach Expert Interview. 25 November 2019. Include things that are already planned and make new plans. [23] X Research source- Your future plans do not have to be extravagant. It could be as simple as going to dinner with a friend next week.
- When you make plans for your future, write down everything you need to accomplish those goals.
- Focus on your strengths and things that you like about yourself.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I stop replaying events in my mind?Annie Lin is the founder of New York Life Coaching, a life and career coaching service based in Manhattan. Her holistic approach, combining elements from both Eastern and Western wisdom traditions, has made her a highly sought-after personal coach. Annie’s work has been featured in Elle Magazine, NBC News, New York Magazine, and BBC World News. She holds an MBA degree from Oxford Brookes University. Annie is also the founder of the New York Life Coaching Institute which offers a comprehensive life coach certification program.Try to refocus on what's happening in the present rather than the event in the past.
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QuestionWhy do I dwell on things so much?Annie Lin is the founder of New York Life Coaching, a life and career coaching service based in Manhattan. Her holistic approach, combining elements from both Eastern and Western wisdom traditions, has made her a highly sought-after personal coach. Annie’s work has been featured in Elle Magazine, NBC News, New York Magazine, and BBC World News. She holds an MBA degree from Oxford Brookes University. Annie is also the founder of the New York Life Coaching Institute which offers a comprehensive life coach certification program.If you don't have peace of mind, it might make you feel better if you forgive others and yourself.
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Tips
- Learning to let go is a process and takes time. There will be setbacks, but keep going.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2019/02/how-to-stop-obsessing-over-your-mistakes
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-get-over-making-a-mistake
- ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-guide/201704/heres-how-feel-satisfied-your-life-decisions
- ↑ Annie Lin, MBA. Life & Career Coach. Expert Interview. 25 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-adaptive-mind/202002/how-let-go-the-past
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201310/8-ways-learn-your-mistakes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/focus-forgiveness/201410/how-forgive-yourself-and-move-the-past
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on#5-Ways-to-Let-Go-of-Past-Hurts
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201709/how-leave-toxic-relationship-and-still-love-yourself
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm
- ↑ Annie Lin, MBA. Life & Career Coach. Expert Interview. 25 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356?pg=1
- ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/hr/files/hr/insight_health_ruminating.pdf
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/how-to-stop-worrying.htm
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950?pg=2
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3432145/pdf/nihms380537.pdf
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mood-thought/201307/four-tips-habit-research-reduce-worry-and-rumination
- ↑ Annie Lin, MBA. Life & Career Coach. Expert Interview. 25 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/taking-good-care-yourself
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you often find yourself dwelling on the past, there are a few things you can do to help you move on and focus on the present. Try to express your feelings by talking to someone you trust or writing about it in a journal. That way, you can get things off your chest and start to look forwards. Although the past can be painful, there’s always a lesson you can learn from each experience. For example, a breakup can help you reassess your life and learn to love yourself again. If you made mistakes, forgive yourself and allow yourself to move on. Focus on the things that are important to you now, like your hobbies, work, and friendships. It may also help to avoid reminders of your past, like old photos or listening to certain music. For more tips from our co-author, including how to challenge negative thoughts, read on.
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- "This article has made me understand that dwelling on the past is holding me back from being happy and enjoying what I have now. The tip of having a particular time to think about the past and pushing thoughts away until that time is so helpful." ..." more
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"This article has made me understand that dwelling on the past is holding me back from being happy and enjoying what I have now. The tip of having a particular time to think about the past and pushing thoughts away until that time is so helpful."
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"I feel being able to forgive yourself has helped me a lot. We all need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made in order to move on."
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