How to Overcome a Fear of Sex

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   Address your physical functioning. The human body is amazing. Yours is unique and needs to be taken care of so you will have confidence with your sexual abilities. Eating right, getting an appropriate amount of sleep, and exercising will help you maintain great health and a positive sense of yourself. ^[11]

   • Certain drugs and alcohol can affect your physical functioning. ^[12] Avoid or limit them to eliminate lingering fear.
   • If you do have difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, see a doctor who is specifically trained to manage these issues .
   • Erectile dysfunction is usually attributed to a poor blood supply to the penis. Eating foods that promote good vascular health and following a healthy-heart related plan may help the condition. A diet high in vegetables and fruits, whole grains, fiber, lean meats, and low-fat dairy products is recommended. ^[13]
   • Try to be safe when going out or engaging in sexual activity with someone you don't know well. Always make sure someone knows where you are when you're out alone with someone new.
2. 2
   Relax your expectations to improve performance. Placing undue pressure upon yourself does not work to your advantage. If you have a fear of not being able to perform and meet your partner's needs, then you must adjust your mindset.

   • Always make sure you feel comfortable and ready to engage in sexual activity.
   • Men are often conditioned to be competitive about many things in life, which isn't always healthy. ^[14] It becomes a problem when it causes you so much stress during a sexual encounter that you are more focused on “winning” than on enjoying each other's company. Being overly focused on winning indicates you seek high levels of external validation. ^[15]
   • Shift your thinking toward the sharing aspects of your interaction. This will move your focus from yourself to the experience itself and your partner.
   • Don't judge yourself. Your self-worth is not dependent upon your sexual performance. You are an entire person with many positive qualities and abilities. Don't let one aspect of your life define you.
   • Write a list of some of your positive attributes, and how they benefit you and the people around you.
3. 3
   Improve your emotional vocabulary. It is a common struggle to figure out how you feel and communicate it clearly to someone. Frustration can set in when you don't know what you feel. You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not saying what you really mean.

   • Start by writing about the feelings you are having. ^[16] Writing helps to organize your thoughts about your fears and clarifies what you are feeling. Your writing doesn't have to be perfect. The important thing to do is to pull your emotions up from your subconscious to acknowledge them, and then you can process them.
   • If there is something you want to tell someone, rehearse it ahead of time. Visualize yourself meeting with the person and having a good conversation.
   • Don't feel pressured to give your feelings a label. You don't need to give everything a perfect name in order for it to be real. Perhaps you feel a little unsteady and a bit nervous and excited, but a little nauseous at the same time. This may translate to feeling love or infatuation for someone. It can be confusing.

1. 1
   Make sure you are safe . Regardless of gender, sex is a vulnerable and potentially dangerous activity, but the vast majority of victims of sexual violence are female. ^[17] Additionally, AFAB (assigned female at birth) people may have concerns about becoming pregnant.

   • Make sure you feel comfortable and are ready for sexual activity.
   • Always make sure someone knows where you are when there is a potential to engage in sexual activity with someone you don’t know well.
   • Guard against pregnancy by using a form of birth control .
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   Don't compare yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others in a group can negatively affect self-esteem and influence you to act in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily. ^[18] This may include having sex before you’re ready.

   • Your sexual development is a very personal and unique part of your life. It is your experience so you must take ownership of it. Don't allow others to negatively influence your decisions. You must learn to set boundaries with confidence, which can help fight off any fears you may have.
3. 3
   Assert your right to say, “no.” Sexual assault, domestic violence, and stalking are very serious matters. As a woman, or anyone, try to be clear about your intentions when faced with a possible sexual encounter. When you say, “No!” and “Stop” it means “Stop!” ^[19]

   • Look out for yourself as if you were looking out for your best friend. If you sense danger in any situation, always follow your intuition. Be comfortable with changing your plans, your mind, and those you date. Trust your instincts.
   • The important thing to remember is you must trust the person you are with so you can make clear, well-informed decisions.

1. 1
   Find a therapist . If you are avoiding sexual contact and the thought of having sex causes you to feel excessive and unreasonable anxiety or panic, you should seek help from a professional therapist. This may be signs of a phobia rather than a normal fear response. ^[20]

   • The physical symptoms of a phobia include: sweating, shaking, feeling lightheaded, and having difficulty breathing. A counselor can help you manage these symptoms and the condition.
   • See a therapist if you have sexual abuse in your history, which may hinder your enjoyment of sexual activity. Talking with a counselor and processing those traumas will lead to a positive relationship with others.
2. 2
   Learn relaxation techniques . When everyone relaxes, everyone benefits. Approaching an intimate situation with a sense of calm can stave off fear, and enhance your enjoyment. ^[21]

   • Relaxation techniques include guided imagery, biofeedback, and breathing exercises. These will help you lower the stress and fear you feel. Use these techniques prior to interacting with someone.
   • Guided imagery involves focusing on calming images and can be done by yourself or with help from a therapist.
   • Biofeedback is a technique that trains you to lower your heart rate and blood pressure, which are associated with fear.
   • Breathing exercises help to calm the nervous system associated with the fight-or-flight response, which is triggered when you feel fear.
   • If fear takes hold of you when you are with someone in an intimate situation, pause and take a minute to breathe and tap into the relaxation skills you have learned.
3. 3
   Challenge your negative thoughts . Your thoughts affect your emotions. There is a tendency to overestimate the negative outcomes before you experience them, and underestimate your ability to cope with and manage a situation. These thoughts are imbalanced and need to be challenged. ^[22]

   • For example, you are extremely nervous and afraid that you will throw up on your date when you are kissing. Challenge the thought by saying, “You cannot predict the future and you have never thrown up on anyone. If you feel nauseous, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. You can handle it.”
   • You are stronger than you think. If you feel you lack adequate coping skills, you can take steps to improve them. For example, take notice of the way you effectively cope with another type of fear in your life and apply the same technique. Also, observe how someone you admire copes with difficult situations. Ask them for suggestions that you can implement. ^[23]
   • Use positive self-talk to calm your thoughts and nerves. For example, if you feel your fear, anxiety or stress increase, tell yourself, “You are fine. This is going to be fun. You are not going to be embarrassed. Have a good time.”

"=== How Can You Overcome a Fear of Sex?===

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