Q&A for How to End a Family Fight

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What do you say when your family fights?

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Answer

When people argue, they create what we call triangles — instead of talking to the person that they're upset with, they'll end up talking to somebody that they can align with. If the person comes to you when they're fighting, your role is to make them interact with the other one. Help them identify where the conflict is coming from and encourage them to talk.

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Question

How do you handle kids arguing?

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Answer

If your kids are arguing and having lots of negative feelings towards each other, you should try increasing the level of service between the members of the family. For example, start to do nice things for another person, creating more opportunities to reduce the conflict and generate more positive feelings in the household.

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Question

My aunt is fighting with my mom. She's definitely being the unreasonable one, but I miss her a lot. We haven't been able to see her or her family since the start of the fight. What do I do?

Community Answer

Talk to someone who is outside of your family unit, an adult whom you can trust. Tell them how you feel. Then talk to your mom about how this makes you feel and that how you feel that even if she doesn't want to talk to your aunt, you'd like to keep your relationship with her intact and thriving. You can always call your aunt.

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My mom and dad are arguing continuously and whenever I come between to stop the argument, my mom asked me to go away, so I cannot stop them. What should I do?

Hannah Madden

Community Answer

Unfortunately, arguments between parents usually can't be solved by kids. If it's really affecting you, consider asking your parents to talk to a therapist to work through their issues. Let them know that you feel stressed out when they fight all the time.

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My mom and grandma keep complaining about each other behind their backs. They are telling me not to tell anyone and keep it a secret. I can't cope for much longer. What should I do?

Butterfly

Community Answer

Consider writing everything down in a journal or diary. Diaries are great places to write down things you're not allowed to tell and express your emotions. If that doesn't help, you can talk to your teacher or any other trusted adult. However, if someone directly troubles you and tell to keep that a secret, you must inform a trusted adult.

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