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Q&A for How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty
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QuestionHow do you say no without apologizing?Dr. Sirvart Mesrobian is a Clinical Psychologist based in West Los Angeles and Glendale, California. With over nine years of professional and research experience, Dr. Mesrobian specializes in individual, family, and couples treatment for young adults and adults. Dr. Mesrobian provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, motivational interviewing, trauma-focused treatments, and other services. She earned a Master's in Psychology and a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.Your emotions and self-care are not something you should be apologetic for, and other people’s struggle to accept "no" for an answer is not something you are accountable for.
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QuestionI'm pretty sure my boyfriend is seeing someone else. How do I say no to my boyfriend when he wants to see me?Community AnswerIf you have concrete evidence or feel it your guts something is wrong, you should be honest about how you feel and end the relationship. End it fast and hard, so that you don't have the chance to waffle about it. Relationships are built on love and trust, not doubt and fear.
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QuestionWhat if someone threatens you to say yes?Community AnswerIf someone is threatening you, then this is not a relationship worth keeping. You don't threaten people you care about. This is bullying. I like to bring it to their attention so they see how they are interacting by asking them, "Do you realize the way you are asking me to do this for you is from a place of bullying? Is this the way you really want to be perceived?" It is remarkable the amount of healing that can happen when we speak honestly with each other.
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QuestionWhy do I have to explain when I say no? I believe we can say no and not give reasons or excuses.Community AnswerYes, but keep in mind that an explanation might help the other person understand.
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QuestionHow can I say no to a friend who is really nice to me?Community AnswerYou have to learn to say no, even if it feels mean. People can't always get what they want. Just be respectful and assert yourself.
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QuestionI don't want my neighbour to park in my driveway. How do I say no?Community AnswerJust be friendly and ask if she/he could move their car onto their driveway.
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QuestionI refused a friend's invitation due to previous commitments, but I still feel guilty. How do I overcome this feeling?Community AnswerWell, you sound like you know that your guilty feelings are irrational, so just keep telling yourself that. You had something else you had to do. If you feel like you must "make it up to him/her" despite not having done anything wrong, just say something like "Hey, I felt terrible about missing your event the other night, can we get together soon and you can tell me all about it?"
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QuestionHow do I reject someone so they won't hate me?Community AnswerAs they say, the manner in which you inform the person is up to you, the acceptance or rejection is not. Be calm, polite, and to the point. That's all you can do. If they hate you for it, that is up to them (and may reveal a lot about them). If they are a decent person, they may be disappointed, but they will appreciate the honesty and honor your decision.
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QuestionWhat should I do if friends ask me to bring back something from my trip overseas, but I don't have any extra money?Community AnswerIf you don't have money you can spend, just tell them you simply cannot. They should understand. If they are a little disappointed, say there will be time in the future where you can all go traveling.
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QuestionWhat do I do if my best friend pushes me to bunk when I don't want to?Community AnswerBe firm when you say "no" and explain your reasons why you don't want to bunk. A good friend will understand.
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QuestionA friend who I see maybe three times a year has asked me to take her to the Airport 30 miles away at 4:00 am, as she has to save money at the moment. I have said no, but she is not happy. What can I do?Community AnswerIf you only see her a few times, then don't feel obliged to do a lot for her. It may sound cruel, but sometimes you have to think of yourself first.
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QuestionI had a day planned for myself. Even though it wasn't eventful and the rest of my week was relatively clear, I got a call from work asking me to come in. I was put on the spot and said no. Did I do the right thing?Tom De BackerTop AnswererWhat you do in your own time is your business. If you followed the rules for requesting a day off and it was granted, then all anyone can do is politely ask if you could possibly come in anyway. If you can't, then you can't. There shouldn't be any consequences.
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QuestionWhat if he/she is your best friend?Community AnswerIt doesn't matter. Even (perhaps especially) best friends need to respect boundaries. You need to be able to say no to your friend without fearing the loss of the friendship.
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QuestionHow do I work on a team project without doing all the work?Community AnswerTalk to your team members about work distribution. If possible, come up with a detailed list of each portion of the project and who is responsible for what. If they say they don't have time or don't want to contribute to the project, you should let your teacher know so they will have an idea about who contributed what to the final project before it's turned in (and can grade each team member appropriately).
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QuestionI find it really difficult to turn down elderly door-to-door poppy salespeople. It's a common thing where I live as it is almost Armistice Day. What should I do when my parents have popped out?Community AnswerLook out the window to see who is at the door. If it's a salesperson, don't answer it.
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QuestionWhat if I say "no" to a friend when he wants to tell me about his schemes for doing bad things?Community AnswerThis is a good thing, you should say "no" and you should not feel guilty about it. Furthermore, if your friend plans to do something that could endanger himself or someone else, you should tell an authority figure.
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QuestionWhat if a friend wants to buy matching things, but I don't like the thing they want to get?Community AnswerJust tell your friend the truth - you don't like that thing and don't want to spend your money on it. Maybe you guys can compromise and agree on a different matching thing that you both like.
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QuestionHow do you say no to strict parents, without making them angry?Tom De BackerTop AnswererAs you grow up, you learn to become more and more independent. All parents, regardless of their approach to parenting, want their children to grow up strong, confident and independent. If you disagree with something they ask, say or do, politely ask to discuss the matter in more detail. Explain your point of view, ask how they see it and be open to their input. Be convinced of your own ideas, but don't be stubborn if they are right. Even strict parents will respect you for standing up for what you think and for being polite and strong.
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QuestionMy friend would like me to go to a musical that her friend is in, but I have plans. How should I tell her?Community AnswerSimply tell her that you already have plans that day and you can't break them. If the musical is running for more than one day, see if you can make it to another performance.
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QuestionWhen someone is asking to take care of my baby, how should I say no?Community AnswerTry to be nice and polite about it. It’s your baby and you decide who takes care of her. Tell the person no thank you, and that you will let them know if you need child care.
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QuestionHow do I tell someone no without hurting them?Community AnswerTell them in a calm, nice voice. Don't yell or act like you don't care that much.
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QuestionWhat do I do if a friend won't take no for an answer when she asks me for things?Community AnswerYou could simply walk away. Or you could ask yourself why you're saying no to a friend.
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QuestionWhat if I'm scared to go somewhere without my parents?Community AnswerTalk to your parents about how you feel. Maybe a compromise can be worked out. Keep in mind, though, this is an important part of growing up, and sometimes you will have to step out of your comfort zone.
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QuestionWhat if I don't want to give my laptop to someone because I fear that they will break it? The last time, someone did.Community AnswerJust tell them about your past experience by explaining the last time you lent your laptop to someone, they broke it.
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QuestionMy sister asked me what I'm doing this weekend. I said "nothing," so she said, "Then I'm coming over to stay the weekend." I'm not feeling well and don't want her staying over. What do I do?Community AnswerSaying no is nothing to feel guilty about. Your sister has no right to make decisions for you about how you spend your time. Just say, "This weekend isn't good for me." That is all the explanation you owe her, but if you really want to make an excuse, you can add, "I'm not feeling well and I need to get some rest, I don't want any company."
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QuestionHow do I tell someone "No" who always wants to borrow money and never seems to have enough?Community AnswerYou set limits and firmly but compassionately say no once your limit is reached. It's fine to lend every now and then (though you're probably better off just making it a gift if this person is so down and out), but continually providing money to someone you resent giving money to isn't healthy.
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QuestionHow do I tell my daughter in law "no"?Community AnswerJust say it. You need to be there for her as a responsible adult. Spoiling her is not going to help her in the long run.
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QuestionHow do I say no to a friend who is being very nice to me asking me to borrow something that I don't want to share?Community AnswerJust say no. Just remember that she has just acted nicely, so say something like: "I'd love to share it but it's the only one I have and it's really precious to me and I can't afford a new one if something happens to it. So, I have decided this is something I won't share. But you can borrow my XYZ instead if you'd like."
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