How to Respond when You Find Out Your Girlfriend has Another Boyfriend

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Finding out your girlfriend has another boyfriend can be incredibly hurtful and painful. It’s not easy to find out that the one you want to be with wants to be with someone else (even if they also want to be with you). How you respond to this information will depend on how you found out, where you stand in the relationship, and what your end goal is.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Communicating Your Position

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  1. Regardless of your decision, being openly and completely honest is the only way to get what you want and need. [1] If, you do not feel comfortable with her having another boyfriend, tell her—she’ll either decide to make a decision in your favor, or she’ll decide not to, either way, you can move on. [2]
  2. For example, "I want to be in a relationship with you, but this is not the type of relationship I want."
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  3. She will feel comfortable being open and honest with you moving forward and you won’t be in the dark. [4]
    • Explain why you are ok with it. For example, "Although I'd prefer to have you all to myself, I feel strongly enough about you, that I think we can make it work."
  4. Regardless of whether she decides to get monogamous with you or, you decide to be cool with her other boyfriend, you’ll need clear boundaries. [5]
    • If she decides to leave the other dude, does it have to be immediately, or can she slowly fade away? Will you feel comfortable with them going out one more time so she can tell him in person?
    • What type of sexual safety precautions will you two practice? Being intimate with someone carries serious risks--STDs, pregnancy--safety and responsibility should always be your top priorities. [6]
    • Is she only dating two people, three, or as many as she wants?
    • Is there a certain amount of time with her you will need to feel fulfilled? What will she need from you , for her to be fulfilled?
    • Are you going to be dating other people also?
  5. Don't just text them a list of boundaries, but communicate how you feel about each boundary and how you would feel if it is crossed. [7] For example:
    • "As long as you continue to make time for me, I'm ok with you dating other people. I need to see you at least a couple times a week for this relationship to work for me. I need some consistency, or I'll have to move on."
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Analyzing the Situation

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  1. Did you two ever discuss being in an exclusive relationship or did you just assume? When people date, we are generally open to going on dates with different people until we feel strongly enough to shed all other romantic relationships, in favor of “the one”. There is nothing unusual or immoral about having more than one partner unless that person specifically agreed to be monogamous.
    • Did they offer this information? Or did you find out while they were hiding it?
    • Have you been monogamous?
    • Do you feel a lack of trust, not because they are dating other people, but because of the way you found out? [8]
  2. Whether she is polyamorous and will never settle down with one partner or just not sure yet who is worthy to be her one and only, you have to decide if you can be happy in the relationship. Don’t try to force it just to prove you’re “cool and open to new things”; if you fake it, you’ll just end up resenting her, hating him, and probably not feel too good about yourself, ultimately.
    • Ask yourself if your ego can take it.
    • Ask her if she'll have enough free time to keep you satisfied in the relationship.
    • Consider if it will be easier and more enjoyable to not have to feel obliged to satisfy all of her needs/time by yourself. [9]
  3. By splitting her time among multiple boyfriends, she is reducing the amount of time she can spend with you. If you date other people, does that solve the problem?
  4. By also dating other people, or just adjusting your expectations, you make the decision and acceptance less difficult and less all-or-nothing.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Ending the Relationship

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  1. [10] She may not have known exactly how this situation has effected you. It is probably more complicated than just jealousy (though jealousy may be a part of it). Explain the many things you feel and why it's not going to work for you. You'll feel better expressing your needs, and who knows, maybe she will learn something from your honesty. [11]
  2. Use 'I' statements: "I don't feel comfortable with this. I was raised to be monogamous. I can't feel safe, if you're having multiple sexual partners. I need to find a relationship that meets my needs."
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Can I trust my girlfriend after she cheated?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    It depends—ultimately, you have to decide if trust can be rebuilt. After having a deep discussion with your girlfriend, ask her if she's willing to continue your relationship. Rebuilding trust is a really long journey, but honest reflection and counseling can be a big help. Also, testing for STDs and creating open lines of communication can go a long way to rebuilding broken trust.
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  • Question
    When should you dump someone for cheating?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    End the relationship if the trust between you both is gone for good. This is an incredibly tough decision to make, so give yourself plenty of time to think before you decide. Getting some space from your partner might help.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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  • Question
    How do I separate from my significant other?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    Communication is key to a conflict-free separation. Clearly define how and when you both will separate, and who should get what during a permanent separation or divorce. To help with your own healing, visit a therapist to find closure.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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      References

      1. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201304/the-truth-about-polyamory
      3. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
      4. ↑ Fernando Campos. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 28 November 2022.
      5. ↑ Fernando Campos. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 28 November 2022.
      6. ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a36486/sex-talk-realness-what-its-like-to-be-polyamorous/
      7. ↑ Fernando Campos. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 28 November 2022.
      8. ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/8-signs-its-time-end-the-relationship.html
      9. ↑ http://www.livescience.com/27125-5-myths-about-polyamory.html
      1. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201410/whats-the-best-way-you-end-relationship

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