How to Start Dating After a Breakup or a Long Break

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Plus, when to start dating again after a breakup
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Dating these days can feel daunting. Maybe you’re looking for love on the dating apps, or maybe you’re hoping for an old-fashioned meet-cute in the produce section. No matter what, we're here to help. Whether you’ve recently gone through a breakup or you’ve been taking a break from dating altogether, our relationship experts weigh in on the best dating practices to set yourself up for romantic success.

How to Get Back Into Dating

Try writing a list of qualities you look for in a partner. Then, maximize your potential matches by venturing out of your comfort zone to meet people in the real world and on dating apps. Embrace rejection, don't put too much pressure on yourself, and focus on having fun while you put yourself out there.

Section 1 of 2:

How to Start Dating Again

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  1. Before jumping headfirst into the dating pool, try taking yourself out on dates. Spending time alone can help you discover the things you’re truly passionate about without the influence of another person and teach you how to enjoy your own company. Doing things alone will kickstart your independence and confidence, reminding you that you don’t need a romantic partner to have fun. [1]
    • Take yourself on low-stakes dates, like cozying up with a cup of coffee at your favorite bookstore, going to watch a matinee, or on a sunset walk.
    • You can also think of these solo dates as opportunities for self-care. Treating yourself to a spa day or trip to the hair salon can boost your confidence and self-image.
    • Another way to build confidence is to engage in positive self-talk. Try writing a list of reasons why someone would be lucky to know you. [2]
      • Consider all the positive ways you view yourself, and the positive feedback you've received from previous partners, friends, and family. Jotting it down can be very reaffirming. [3]
  2. If you haven’t played the dating game in a while, make a list of everything you’re looking for in a potential mate. You’ve likely spent a good chunk of time single, really investigating what you seek in a partner and, ultimately, a relationship. So, it’s time to put all that inner work to use!
    • On your notes app or a sheet of paper, jot down your most sought-after characteristics.
    • Maybe intelligence is really important to you, or you highly value empathy, or you’re looking for someone more extroverted than you to help break you out of your shell.
    • Similarly, jot down what your non-negotiables are. All of this mental planning will help set you up for dating success!
    • Relationship expert and self-proclaimed "Chief Heart Hacker" Amy Chan praises the freedom of singledom: "Being able to do what you want, when you want, where you want [...] is liberating and exciting. You can date different people and test out what you like and don’t like and get really conscious of the type of partner that will be a good fit." [4]
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  3. If you’d rather meet single hotties in person, go to places you don’t typically frequent. Instead of the tried-and-true coffee shop down the street, venture out to a different part of the city. A caffeine-loving cutie could be lurking just a few miles outside your comfort zone… literally. If you prefer to meet a potential match from the comfort of your couch, try downloading a dating app like Tinder  or Bumble. [5]
    • A study revealed that 1 in 10 partnered adults met their significant other on a dating app.
    • There are benefits to meeting people in the real world, like knowing exactly what they look like and how they carry themselves. Little to no risk of being catfished !
    • Good spots to meet people in real life include but are not limited to gyms, sports clubs, networking events in your field, dog parks, and alumni events from your college. [6]
    • Dating expert and life coach Collette Gee offers a tip on how to make a great in-person impression: "The most important thing is to have great posture and to walk into the room with confidence, meaning you have a smile on your face and positive energy radiating from within you." [7]
  4. While it's important to make a great first impression, it's also important that you don't put too much pressure on a first outing with someone. [8] Whether you've met online or previously in person, you're still likely to be in the very early stages of getting to know them. So, try to think of your first date as a trial in terms of chemistry and compatibility. You don't want to go on a five-course dinner date with them only to realize you have nothing in common by the end of the appetizer course.
    • Fun and low-stakes outdoor date ideas include riding bikes together, going to the farmer's market, and having a park picnic.
    • If you're a fan of the great indoors, you could take a cooking class, shop for records, or choose library books for each other.
    • Although coffee dates can sometimes receive a bad rap for lacking in romance and thoughtfulness, getting to know someone over a cup of Joe is another casual and stress-free option. [9]
  5. One of the main reasons why people decide to put off dating is fear of rejection, which is completely understandable. [10] Rejection can feel brutal and discouraging, especially for someone trying to put themselves out there after being chronically single. However, it’s most important that you don’t take rejection too seriously or too personally. In actuality, it's just a part of finding your best match!
    • Try to keep a positive mindset. If someone doesn’t match with you, think of it as a good thing! They’re only helping you get rid of incompatible matches so it’s easier for the right one to pop up.
    • Rejection typically isn’t personal. Users on dating apps—and in real life—can choose to pass on matches for a variety of non-offensive reasons, like having a pet they’re allergic to or resembling their ex.
    EXPERT TIP

    Amy Chan

    Relationship Coach
    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach

    Dating can seem scary or overwhelming, but think about it as a skill that gets better the more your practice. When you’re new (or newly back) to the dating scene, the goal is not to meet ‘the one'; the goal is to connect. Practice building rapport, feeling curious, and tapping back into your playful side.

  6. If the person you just went on a first date with didn't hold open the door for you, and your ex did, it's normal to want to compare experiences—but try not to. Although it's easier said than done, tallying how potential new love interests stack up to failed former flames can be damaging, painful, and can keep you hung up on your ex.
    • In order to stop thinking about your ex, Chan has a few suggestions: "Digitally detox from your ex. Delete old messages, photos, unfollow your ex’s accounts and even better, take a break from social media all together. Block their number if you have to." [11]
    • She notes that the brain is addicted to the dopamine rush associated with your past partner and that every time you "replay that romantic video of your vacation, stalk their social media, or text them, you are falling into a mental trap that keeps you addicted." [12]
    • Comparing certain aspects of your former beau to your new one isn't always a bad thing as long as you're not tearfully reminiscing on the past. [13]
    • Considering how your new partner makes you feel in comparison can help you suss out if they are a better fit or if you are just repeating old patterns.
  7. Dating can be exhausting, so feel free to log off the apps and take some well-deserved you time. Spending time alone can reinvigorate you and remind you that the best and most important relationship we ever engage in is the one with ourselves. Your Tinder inbox can wait.
    • Chan notes that you shouldn't date with the expectation of meeting one's soulmate. "This adds an incredible pressure to yourself (which is felt by the person as well), and takes the fun out of dating," she shares. [14]
    • Marriage and family therapist Denise Brady reminds us that dating is about the journey: "People get too focused on getting a result, a phone number, a second date, a relationship, and sometimes a marriage—that they lose focus on themselves. It's important to not forget who you are and to understand your own needs.” [15]
  8. Although it's perfectly fine to take breaks and reset, don't accidentally sit on the sidelines for too long. Dating is really a numbers game, and despite how many unsuccessful first dates you may go on, you only need one to go well. If the endless swiping on dating apps has left you feeling emotionally drained, you can still meet your next—and potentially last—first date anywhere as long as you're present and engaged. [16]
    • Relationship experts encourage noticing your surroundings when you're out in public, whether that be in a restaurant, library, or grocery store.
    • If somebody catches your eye, the goal isn't about securing a date right away, it's about having a positive interaction.
    • In many cases, a positive interaction can turn into a good conversation that will likely lead one person to ask for a way to stay in touch with the other.
    • Chan states, "Remember that there isn’t just one person out there for you—there’s many. The idea of a one and only soulmate is a myth...Train yourself to get out of the ‘there’s only one’ mentality, which [can] catapult you into a scarcity mindset." [17]
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Section 2 of 2:

When to Start Dating Again

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  1. Although there is no one-size-fits-all timeline for how long it takes to get over a breakup , it’s crucial that you take the time to figure out what you truly want. If you're recently single, some experts believe that you should take one month of self-reflecting and healing for every year you were with your ex.
    • Other metrics suggest waiting 3-4 months if you were in a relationship that lasted 1 or more years.
    • If the breakup was particularly painful, taking even more time is recommended.
    • In general, experts agree that the time spent healing between romantic partners is solely dependent on the person’s state of mind and emotional readiness.
  2. If your last relationship was meaningful and long-term, there may be tons of emotions to work through once it ends, so try to give yourself the grace and space to work through them ahead of downloading Tinder. [18]
    • Chan says, “Research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade away over the course of about six months to two years.” [19]
    • She encourages taking all the time you need, stating, “Immediately after a breakup, self-care, self-compassion, and community support should be a focus. A breakup can feel traumatizing, and it’s normal to take time to grieve, process, and get back to an equilibrium.” [20]
    • Chatting with friends, journaling, and therapy can all help move the healing process along.
    • Chan adds, “By writing about how you feel and where you feel it, you’ll start to make sense of what is happening to gain perspective. What are your greatest points of grief and frustration? What is your body trying to tell you? What can you learn?" [21]
  3. After a breakup, some people may think that the best way to get over someone is to find someone new as soon as possible, but this typically leads to rebound relationships. These relationships can be unhealthy and doomed to fail if one person is using the other to mask unresolved grief and heartbreak. [22]
    • Harboring feelings for an ex can lead to negative projections onto the new partner, while hindering the possibility of forging a legitimate emotional connection.
    • Not all rebound relationships fail, and some studies show that people who quickly enter a new relationship after a breakup feel more confident about themselves. [23]
    • Still, it’s critical to note that the success of rebound relationships largely hinges on whether one person jumped into the new relationship with a healthy and healed mindset or a scorned, spiteful mindset.
    • Chan warns against dating too soon after a breakup, stating, "If you are dating to distract yourself from pain from your breakup, you are not ready." [24]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.theknot.com/content/solo-date-ideas
      2. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-build-confidence/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202204/11-ways-build-dating-confidence
      4. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
      6. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/meeting-people-in-real-life-without-using-dating-apps
      7. ↑ Collette Gee. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a42155733/first-date-ideas/
      9. ↑ https://quitkissingfrogs.com/blog/in-defense-of-coffee-dates
      1. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/fear-of-rejection/
      2. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2023/07/29/relationship-therapist-healthy-ways-to-compare-a-new-partner-to-an-ex.html
      5. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Denise Brady. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2024/02/12/1230987921/how-to-date-offline
      8. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x
      10. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      12. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      13. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/why-rebound-relationships-fail/
      14. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407514525086
      15. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview

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