How to Stop Being a Simp (And Find Real Connection)

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Learn to stop chasing one-sided relationships
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In the modern age, “simp” is a term used for someone who puts themselves in a submissive position in hopes of winning a person over. If that sounds familiar, then you probably know that it can be a huge drag, and while trying to impress someone is okay in moderation, overdoing it can make you look a little desperate. That’s why we chatted with dating coach Erika Kaplan to bring you plenty of ways to stop simping and start living.

How to Quit Simping

  1. Disconnect from their social media.
  2. Avoid doing unasked-for favors.
  3. Distance yourself from them physically.
  4. Set emotional boundaries.
  5. Make other plans when they invite you out.
  6. Dive into your own passions and hobbies.
1

Stop doing unprompted favors.

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  1. If you find that you’re always going out of your way to help a person out or bring them stuff without them doing the same, ask yourself if it’s worth it. In a healthy relationship, there’s an equal amount of give and take. It’s totally fine to do nice things for someone every once in a while, but if it’s not reciprocated, it might be time to cut back. [1]
    • Grabbing them a coffee on your way to work? That’s probably okay, especially if they asked you to.
    • Heading over to their place and shoveling their driveway during a snowstorm, unasked? That’s too much, and it could even make them feel a little uncomfortable.
    • Keep in mind that they don’t “owe” you a favor back, but a healthy relationship is a two-way street!
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2

Set some boundaries for yourself.

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  1. Kaplan says to “take a step back, again, evaluate how you're feeling.” [2] If you find that you’ve been simping a little too hard, you might set boundaries around how often you buy them gifts or how much you compliment them online. Setting your boundaries and sticking to them will stop you from getting taken advantage of in your next relationship. [3] You could also try setting boundaries like:
    • Splitting the bill with them when you go out on dates
    • Not dropping everything to hang out with a person
    • Not double texting a person if she doesn’t respond
3

Make yourself less available.

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  1. Kaplan tells us that your own independence is important. [4] If you constantly rearrange your schedule anytime someone wants to hang out, they'll know that you’re putting them on a pedestal. It’s fine to make plans together, but if you’re busy, let them know that you can’t hang out that day.
    • For instance, if someone randomly hits you up to hang out that day but you’re already with friends, you might say, “Hey, I’m pretty busy this afternoon. What about tomorrow?”
    • This will show them that while you’re still making time for them, you aren’t dropping everything just because they texted you.
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4

Stop seeking validation.

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  1. Looking for a person's approval makes you seem like you aren’t confident. Confident people don’t need approval from other people—they already know how much they’re worth, so they aren’t worried if someone doesn’t like them back. Building your self-esteem and raising your own confidence is a great way to find validation in yourself, not from other people. [5]
    • A nice way to quickly boost your self-esteem is to write out a list of your strengths. Then, you can look back on it every time you’re feeling down for a nice confidence boost.
5

Be chivalrous, but not overly so.

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  1. When you’re out with a person, it’s okay to hold the door for them or pull out their chair at dinner—Kaplan says that’s just basic chivalry. [6] However, stay away from grand gestures, like ordering for them at dinner, or even offering to pick up a big tab you can’t actually afford (split the check!). These old-timey gestures only work in the movies—in real life, they can make people feel awkward.
    • Pouring them a glass of wine at dinner: totally fine, and pretty helpful!
    • Throwing your coat over a puddle so they can walk on it: way too far, and could make them feel weird.
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6

Distance yourself from the person.

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  1. If you’ve been obsessing over a person (or multiple persons) who won’t give you the time of day, it’s probably time to move on . Stop hanging out in person, and dedicate your time to other people who enjoy your company. The more you spend time on other activities, the less you’ll feel tempted to fall back into your old ways. [7]
    • For example, if you know they’ll be at a party that you’re invited to, consider making other plans, or having a friend tell you when they leave so you know when to arrive.
7

Prioritize your friends and family.

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  1. Relationships come and go, but your loved ones will always be there for you. Remember who your real friends are ! Try not to let a romantic relationship take over your life: it’s totally fine to dedicate time to it, but you should also have time for your other friends, too. [8]
    • If you find that you’ve been canceling other plans to hang out with the person you’re simping for, make an effort to go back and reschedule those plans.
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8

Be a complete person on your own.

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  1. Kaplan says that, in any sort of relationship, it's important to be your own person, first. [9] Think about other things that motivate and drive you to tap into that. It might seem like everyone you know is coupled up right now, but having a partner isn’t the end-all be-all! You can keep up with your friends and have fun all on your own.
    • It seems counterintuitive, but when you stop looking for love, you’re much more likely to find it.
    • Focus on your hobbies and finding stuff that you like to do! You’ll become a much more well-rounded person, and you’ll probably be much happier.
    • Ask yourself: If it weren’t for this person, what would get you out of bed in the morning? Then go and chase that thing, instead.
9

Avoid advice from pickup artists.

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  1. Nowadays, there are tons of online pickup artists or nice people who will tell you exactly how you can get a partner. However, their tactics tend to treat people like they’re objects or damsels in distress, and can be downright toxic. [10] If you’re looking for ways to get a partner, take advice from your friends or your peers, not someone who wants you to put on an act to approach a potential significant other.
    • Remember that being yourself is the best way to make a genuine connection with someone. Real recognizes real.
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10

Get to know potential dates on a deeper level.

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  1. Remember, not all people are the same: your potential date is going to have different hobbies, goals, and aspirations than other people. Focus on getting to know the people you like instead of impressing them—you’ll have much more success romantically that way. [11]
    • Good questions to ask include, “What did you want to be when you were a kid?” “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” “What do you like to do on the weekends?”
    • Open up about yourself, too! Your date wants to know more about you so they can see if you two are compatible.
11

Find someone who likes you for you.

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  1. Healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding, effort, and communication. [12] Try not to fall for people who continually brush you off or use you for favors. Instead, dedicate your time to someone who really likes you for you and doesn’t want to change you.
    • Try to take as much as you give in the relationship. If you find yourself buying gifts, doing favors, and texting first all the time, then it might be time to move on.
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12

Limit physical contact.

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  1. Physical touch is one huge boundary that’ll help you keep your wants in check. [13] If you’re physically close with this person, it can be hard to break the emotional connection, too. Keep this in mind next time you see them—and keep your hands to yourself.
    • Handshakes and hugs are normal and fine, as long as they don’t stress you out. But other touches probably won’t help the situation.
13

Disconnect from their online profiles.

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  1. It’s a digital world, and when you log on to social media and immediately see the person you’re simping for having fun, the problem only gets worse. Unfollow them, or even block them if you have to, to get control over your digital life. Then, it’ll be easier to stop thinking about them when you aren’t hanging out in-person. [14]
    • If you want to, you could even take a full on social media break for a while. Not only will this help distance you from the people you were simping for, but it’s great for your mental health, too.
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14

Don’t overthink the relationship.

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  1. Sometimes, simping is a result of overthinking your dynamic. Do they like me? Do they like me more than a friend? Is there a chance we’ll get together? They haven’t texted in a while, are we still good? If you’re unsure how a person feels about you, it can cause stress and anxiety. [15] Distract yourself or examine these thoughts with other thoughts, instead, like:
    • How do I feel about this relationship dynamic?
    • Are these feelings healthy or sustainable for me?
    • Is there something more important in my life I should be thinking about, instead?
15

Tell them it’s over, if all else fails.

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  1. If you’ve tried to distance yourself, but they just keep coming back—or you keep going back—make things crystal clear by telling them out loud what you want and need. In this case, that’s a whole lot of space, maybe forever. It’s okay to just be direct and say, “This isn’t working. I’m not comfortable with this relationship, and we should end it.” [16] For example:
    • “Being around you isn’t good for me, and I think we should stop seeing each other.”
    • “Sorry, I’m just reexamining things in my life, and I need some space for a while.”
    • “I think I need to move on to new relationships. I hope you understand.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://portal.ct.gov/AdvocatesCorner/Life-Tips/Your-Choices/Healthy-Friendships-and-Relationships
      2. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/
      4. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201407/self-validation
      6. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.collegemagazine.com/stop-the-simp-the-dos-and-donts-of-courting-someone-in-2021/
      8. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/clingy/
      9. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/confessions-of-a-teenage-pick-up-artist-865/
      2. ↑ https://www.collegemagazine.com/stop-the-simp-the-dos-and-donts-of-courting-someone-in-2021/
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      5. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/digital-boundaries/
      6. ↑ https://www.collegemagazine.com/stop-the-simp-the-dos-and-donts-of-courting-someone-in-2021/
      7. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/things-that-crossed-the-line-for-me/

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