What to Do When You Can’t Stop Missing Your Ex

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Healthy ways to cope after a breakup
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Although your relationship is over, you still scroll through your ex’s socials while playing “your song” on repeat. You keep asking yourself, “Why do I miss my ex?” What you’re feeling is totally normal: you’re grieving the loss of your relationship as well as the loss of your routine and plans for the future. There isn’t one “right way” to move on, but we’ve created a list of 20 strategies to help you feel better sooner. Give these a try, and remember: you don’t need to be someone’s “other half” to be whole.


This article is based on an interview with our dating and relationship coach, Suzanna Mathews, founder of The Date Maven. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Process your emotions by writing in a journal, creating art, or meeting with a therapist.
  • If you feel stuck, try switching up your routine, redecorating your space, or exploring a new hobby.
  • Employ the “no contact rule” with your ex for at least 30 days. You need the time and space to process without your ex’s influence.
  • Express your emotions instead of bottling them up. Lean on your friends for support, and consider meeting with a therapist as you navigate this transition.
1

Box up items that remind you of your ex.

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  1. Holding the stuffed animal they gave you is comforting in the moment, but it can also cause you to hold on to the pain. You don’t have to throw it all away if you aren’t ready; for now, just box it up and keep it out of sight. Clearing your space of mementos will help you move on more quickly.
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2

Channel your feelings into art.

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  1. Direct your pain into a drawing, a song, or a painting. Harness your emotional energy and use it to your advantage. Some of the world’s most moving art was created by people who were grieving the loss of love. [1]
    • Don’t worry about whether the art you create is “good.” Just throw yourself into creating without self-judgment or critique. The process is more important than the outcome.
3

Stay physically active.

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  1. Whether you hit the gym, play a game of hoops, or simply stroll around the block, physical activity will boost your mood. [2] Working exercise into your routine is good for your heart (in more ways than one). [3]
    • Research shows that exercising produces serotonin and endorphins, hormones that make you feel good. You could use some of that right now, right? [4]
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4

Hang out with friends.

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  1. Reach out to the most supportive people in your life and ask for some BFF time. Their companionship will likely provide relief and ease your loneliness. [5] In fact, sharing your feelings with close friends causes the brain to release natural, feel-good opioids. [6]
    • Spend time with your fuzzy BFF too: pets offer unconditional acceptance, affection, and quiet validation when you’re at your most vulnerable. Plus, they need you, and that's a great reason to keep going! [7]
    • Don’t have a pet? Ask a friend if you can walk their dog, or volunteer at your local animal shelter.
5

Switch up your look or your space.

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  1. You might try out a different hair color, update your wardrobe, or get new frames for your glasses. [8] Or, you may prefer to redecorate your room and turn it into your sanctuary. A fresh start calls for a fresh look! [9]
    • It’s best to hold off on doing anything permanent until you’ve established a sense of inner stability. If you have your heart set on a tattoo, book it for a few months out and give yourself time to sit with the idea.
    • It’s therapeutic to paint your walls, rearrange the furniture, and buy a potted plant or two. It breathes new life into your space and helps you regain a sense of control. [10]
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6

Cultivate a new hobby.

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  1. Try your hand at gardening, woodworking, cooking, or knitting. An engaging hobby grounds you in the present so you spend less time dwelling on the past. It’s a reminder that a breakup is not just an ending, but also a new beginning. [11]
    • Learning new skills gives you the momentum to move forward. If you’re feeling blue, pick up your mood by reading a self-help book, taking an online course, or watching tutorials on YouTube. [12] Growing in new ways will help you put more emotional distance between yourself and your breakup.
7

Volunteer in your community.

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  1. Getting involved with community projects or service opportunities is a good way to remind yourself that you have a lot to offer. Whether you’re spending time with residents at a senior center, shelving books at the library, or serving meals at a soup kitchen, knowing you're a part of something bigger is fulfilling. [13]
    • If you’re looking for other places to volunteer, reach out to your local animal shelter, food pantry, or hospital.
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8

Shift your outlook with a change of scenery.

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  1. Get out of town for a few days to experience new things and make fresh memories. [14] If you don’t have the time or funds for a vacation, take a day trip to a place you haven’t visited before. Check out a museum, visit a landmark, or scout out a new fishing spot.
    • Research shows that natural scenery can put your brain in a more relaxed state. Go for a hike in the woods, watch the waves break on the shore, or simply sit under a tree at the park to lift your spirits. [15]
9

Create a new routine.

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  1. If visiting the coffee shop where you spent hours getting to know each other brings up a lot of memories, find a new cafe. Break out of your old habits and develop a busy schedule that doesn’t have associations with your ex. [16]
    • Make sure your new routine helps you stay active and occupied. Being productive, whether at your job or at home, will keep you from brooding about your ex. [17] Creating a daily to-do list can help you stay focused.
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10

Write in a journal.

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  1. Jot down what you’re feeling, and document the good, the bad, and the ugly of your relationship. Journaling can be a cathartic form of self-expression and a helpful strategy for dealing with a breakup . [18]
    • Focusing solely on happy memories skews reality, and that can hold you back. Although it stings a bit, it’s ultimately helpful to recall and journal about the ways your ex let you down. The goal of this exercise isn’t to hold on to your anger, but to stay grounded in the truth. [19]
11

Practice self-care.

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  1. Find opportunities each day to pamper yourself in small ways: savor a special meal, play your favorite album, relax in a hot bath, or make yourself a soothing cup of tea. These small acts are a reminder that you are worth caring for and should be treated with kindness. [20]
    • Meditating is a good way to quiet your mind and calm your body. If you’ve been feeling stressed, take a few minutes to recenter yourself in the present moment. You’ll feel refreshed and invigorated. [21]
    • To meditate , set a timer for 3 - 5 minutes. Relax your muscles, and breathe in and out through your nose. Focus only on inhaling and exhaling, bringing your mind back to your breaths if it wanders.
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12

Meet new people.

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  1. You may have lost part of your social network at the same time you lost your ex, which is a painful thing to experience. Forming new friendships will help you move forward more quickly. [22]
    • If you’d like to make new friends, consider joining a city sports league, attending a book club at the library, or going to a game night at a local game shop.
13

Take a digital detox.

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  1. Put down your phone and spend some time connecting with the real world. [23] Do the things that make you happy without worrying about who is (or isn’t) watching. A rich and robust life is waiting for you outside of the screen.
    • Make sure you let your friends know you’re taking a break from social media, and stay in touch with them in other ways. The goal isn’t to isolate, but to focus on yourself and what you need to heal.
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14

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  1. Experts say it again and again: even if your instinct is to reach out, hold off. Your emotions are running high, and you need the opportunity to sort through your feelings without your ex muddling them up.
    • The no contact rule suggests waiting to contact your ex for 30 days if the breakup was mutual, 60 days if it was a long-term relationship, and 90 days if there was drama. [24]
    • Say no to post-breakup sex; it will only confuse the situation and reopen wounds that are still healing. [25]
    • Getting back together isn’t always a bad thing. If you're considering it, wait to make a decision until you can come at it from a perspective of reflection and growth. Have a deep discussion with your ex about what needs to be different the second time around.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 582 wikiHow readers who've had an ex send them a gift after going no contact, and 66% of them agreed that the best way to handle the situation is by ignoring them. [Take Poll]
15

Practice positive self-talk.

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  1. After a breakup, the negative thoughts can be invasive. Maybe you find yourself thinking, “Nobody will ever love me again,” or, “I’m so stupid for letting this happen.” If your confidence is shattered and you’re beating yourself up, making an effort to speak kindly to yourself will help you heal.
    • Talk to yourself the way you would speak to a friend. Would you be this critical of your bestie if they were in your situation? Would you call them names or list everything that’s wrong with them? No way! You’d give them a hug and remind them of what makes them special. Show yourself the same level of compassion.
    • When a self-bullying thought pops into your head, flip it around and say it out loud. For example, if you think, “I deserved to be dumped,” reply to that thought by saying, “I deserve to be in a loving relationship.” [26] You may not believe it in the moment, but the positive messages will sink in over time.
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16

List the perks of being single.

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  1. Now you have more time to focus on your career, to hang out with friends, and to pursue hobbies. There are little things to enjoy, like ordering from that Thai place your ex hated. Or maybe your ex played music you couldn’t stand. Now you’re in control, and you can choose what to eat and what tunes to listen to. Turn it up!
    • Reignite what was dormant in yourself to feel whole again. Which parts of yourself did you stifle? For example, maybe you were in a band and your ex thought that was too time-consuming. Dust off your instrument and rediscover your love of jamming. [27]
17

Take a break from alcohol.

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  1. When you’re dealing with a breakup, it can be tempting to drink in order to forget your ex, but that can create additional problems in your life. [28] It wouldn’t hurt to take a break from alcohol while you heal.
    • If you're using alcohol or drugs to numb your feelings, you could use some extra support. In the US, call the SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline at 1-800-622-4357 for referrals to support groups, community programs, and local treatment facilities. [29]
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18

Have a good cry.

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  1. You’ve been trying to hold yourself together because you’re afraid that if you start crying, you may never stop. But research shows that releasing your grief through crying is healthier than bottling it up. [30] Emotional tears flush stress hormones out of your system while releasing feel-good endorphins. So, grab a box of tissues and let the tears flow. [31]
19

Set long-term goals.

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  1. If it feels like the ground has fallen out from underneath you, start to rebuild with a new foundation. What do you want your career to look like? Where would you like to live? Setting long-term goals is a reminder that although your relationship is over, your life is not. You have wonderful things to look forward to.
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20

Meet with a therapist.

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  1. You can’t open your heart up to a partner and expect to close it right back up again. Feelings linger, and they can be confusing to sort out on your own. A therapist can assist you with processing and addressing your emotions.
    • Grieving after a breakup is normal, but little by little, you’ll start to feel better. If it’s been months and you still feel sad and stuck, you may be experiencing depression. Help is available. Reach out to a mental health professional, or call or text 988 to reach the US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. [32]

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      Tips

      • A warmline is a phone number you can call to receive emotional support. Whether you’re in crisis or just need someone to talk to, their trained peer staff is there to listen. [33] Find a directory of warmline numbers in the US on https://warmline.org/ . [34]
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      Warnings

      • If you're thinking about suicide, dial or text 988 to reach the US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Their trained counselors provide confidential support to people in crisis 24 hours a day. [35] If you need immediate help, dial 911.
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      • If you’re dealing with an alcohol or drug addiction, call the US SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline at 1-800-622-4357 for referrals to support groups, community programs, and local treatment facilities.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-get-ex-even-feels-impossible-hesaid/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201904/break-recovery-101-how-heal-heartbreak
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201904/break-recovery-101-how-heal-heartbreak
      5. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/moving-on-from-divorce/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/finding-true-love/200909/breaking-hurts-real-how-recover-faster
      7. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/brand-guru-eva-goicochea-s-advice-on-breakups-marriage-rejection
      8. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/platinum-hair-after-breakup
      9. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/tips-for-redecorating-your-bedroom-after-a-breakup
      1. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/tips-for-redecorating-your-bedroom-after-a-breakup
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/how-to-get-over-someone
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201904/break-recovery-101-how-heal-heartbreak
      6. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/6-ways-to-get-over-your-ex
      7. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/how-to-get-over-your-ex-2
      8. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/moving-on-from-divorce/
      9. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-get-ex-even-feels-impossible-hesaid/
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      12. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/9-things-to-do-instead-of-contacting-your-ex
      13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      14. ↑ https://www.letsmend.com/posts/how-to-get-over-your-ex-2
      15. ↑ https://exgirlfriendrecovery.com/how-long-should-i-do-the-no-contact-rule/
      16. ↑ https://youqueen.com/relationship/11-tips-on-how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/
      17. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      18. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-get-ex-even-feels-impossible-hesaid/
      19. ↑ https://youqueen.com/relationship/11-tips-on-how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/
      20. ↑ https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
      21. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/10-tips-survive-break
      22. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-crying-good-for-you-2021030122020#
      23. ↑ https://988lifeline.org/
      24. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/need-talk-someone-warmlines/
      25. ↑ https://warmline.org/warmdir.html#directory
      26. ↑ https://988lifeline.org/

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