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Whether you've been married for 2 years or 20 years, you can always find ways to be nicer to your spouse. If you're going through a rough patch and want to be kinder or you're just looking for ways to improve your relationship, we've got you covered. We'll go over ways to improve listening and communication so you can show your spouse what a thoughtful partner you are.

1

Tell your spouse what you appreciate about them.

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2

Surprise them with a thoughtful gesture.

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  1. We've all heard that actions speak louder than words so do things that show your love. [3] These don't have to be huge gestures! Even something small like brewing them coffee if they're working an early shift shows them that you're thoughtful and anticipate their needs or wants. [4]
    • Your spouse might need some space so a thoughtful gesture could be getting out of your home for the day so he's got it all to himself.
    • Think back to things they've talked about. Maybe they mentioned wanting to try a new Chinese place. You could surprise them by picking up takeout one night. Your spouse will not only appreciate the food, but also the fact that you listened and remembered something they wanted.
3

Spend quality time together.

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  1. It's really easy to get into a routine where you don't actually communicate with your spouse. Try to have one-on-one time where you can talk about things that aren't job or kid-related. If you can, go out for regular dates; these can remind you what you love about your spouse. [5]
    • Is life too busy for dates or quality time? At least make a point of checking in with each other every day. Even a genuine, "What was your day like?" or, "How are you feeling?" can help you feel connected.
    • Keep in mind that having personal space is important, too. If you've spent a lot of time around each other or your spouse is stressed, they might want some time or space for themselves.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Update your schedule if you're running short on quality time. Communicate with each other about your priorities and needs, creating a schedule that prioritizes and combines both of your personal goals (like quality time).

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6

Give your spouse your full attention.

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  1. Put your phone away turn off anything noisy that makes it hard to pay attention. Your spouse should notice that you're really listening which will make them feel valued and appreciated. [8]
    • You can also show that you listened by saying something like, "It sounds like work is really stressing you out," or, "I'm so happy that the project seems to be working out for you."
    • If your spouse wants to talk about a difficult subject, try to practice open body language. Keep your arms uncrossed, face the other person, and don't fidget when they talk.
7

Use disagreements as opportunities to communicate.

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  1. Keep an open mind and respectful attitude when you ask how they're feeling about something. Give them time to speak before you share your thoughts. You might learn why they're frustrated or upset and you can explain how you're feeling. [9] Effective communication will make your marriage much stronger. [10]
    • For example, you might hear your spouse say they're frustrated and tired. You might say, "I didn't know you were feeling this way. What can I do to help?"
    • Use a calm tone of voice when you speak with your spouse and don't get defensive. Let them speak without interrupting and look for ways to compromise.
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8

Stop yourself before you say something hurtful.

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  1. It can be hard not to say something mean if you're feeling hurt, but it's important not to react in anger. Give each other some space before you come back to resolve your differences. You'll find that it's easier to be kind or respectful. [11]
    • You could say something like, "I really can't talk about this right now. I need a little time to think things through."
    • It can help to establish boundaries within your relationship. You both might agree that calling each other names or making personal attacks is off-limits. Setting healthy boundaries can make it easier to communicate without hurting each other's feelings.
9

Forgive your spouse when they make a mistake.

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  1. If they've done something to upset you, have an honest discussion about it and forgive them. It's critical that you both move forward together instead of trying to get even or punishing the other person. [12]
    • Not sure what to say? Even a simple, "I'm disappointed that this happened, but I love you and I forgive you," tells your spouse that you care about them and are willing to move on together.
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10

Support and encourage your spouse.

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  1. Think of yourself as your spouse's cheerleader—they should feel like they can make changes in their life and that they'll succeed. Your spouse might be struggling in a job they don't like. Listen to what they're saying and affirm how they're feeling so they feel supported. You might say, "It sounds like you're really feeling burned out. What do you think could help?" [13]
    • Sometimes, your spouse just needs you to be there to listen and that's fine, too! You might say, "I'm always here if you ever want to bounce ideas off of me."
11

Appreciate your spouse for who they are.

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  1. Don't dwell on the small things they do that irritate you or you might focus more on the negative. Remember, your spouse isn't perfect, but there are things you absolutely love about them. [14]
    • For instance, it might bother you that you're always picking up their dirty socks, but instead of letting it bother you, remind yourself that your spouse always does a chore that you dislike. Plus, you know that you've got habits that irritate your spouse, too.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be nicer to my wife?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    What you could do is try to actively go out of your way to do things in the love language that your partner speaks and receives love from. That's a really effective way of being nicer in a relationship.
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      References

      1. Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/7-simple-ways-you-can-become-better-partner
      3. Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      4. https://bestlifeonline.com/be-a-more-thoughtful-spouse/
      5. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      6. Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.
      7. https://youtu.be/eFA7GYiArt0?t=180
      8. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      9. Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.

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