Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? How to Decide if You Should

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The best way to approach a post-breakup friendship
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After a relationship ends and your ex goes back to being a stranger, the shift can feel unimaginably painful. Some people try to stay friends with their ex—but is it a good idea? Is it possible to maintain a platonic friendship with someone after a relationship ends? If you’re currently on the struggle bus after a breakup, here are some ways to determine whether being friends with an ex is the right move…or not.

Should you be friends with your ex?

It's possible to be friends with an ex, but it depends on the situation. If you were friends before you dated and the breakup was amicable, it's possible to have a platonic relationship. If either of you still has romantic feelings or if the relationship or breakup were toxic, it's probably better to cut ties.

Section 1 of 5:

Can you be friends with your ex?

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  1. This isn't necessarily advisable for every former couple and it really varies on a case-by-case basis. There are several factors to consider, like if you were friends before you dated, how the relationship went, how it ended, if there are still lingering feelings on either side, and whether both people are fully healed from the breakup. Like the relationship itself, how two people handle the aftermath of a breakup is entirely up to them.
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Section 2 of 5:

When Being Friends with an Ex is a Good Idea

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  1. Studies show that two of the top reasons why people remain friendly with their exes are for security and practicality. Exes who stay friends for these reasons are the most likely to forge successful friendships. [1]
    • Having children together is a major factor, as your relationship with your ex affects your children’s lives.
    • Working at the same place, or even in the same field, might be a good reason to remain amicable after a breakup.
    • Belonging to the same friend group or maintaining shared hobbies could also be reason enough to try and be friends.
  2. If your relationship was built upon a foundation of friendship—and some of the best relationships are!—then a friendship post-breakup could be viable. Were you friends during the relationship and did you feel your needs were otherwise met? If so, then great! [2]
    • Transitioning back to being just friends after dating will require both people to shift expectations accordingly.
    • Try to acknowledge that your friendship may never return to the way it was before you started going steady, which is okay.
    • Instead, embrace whatever the new normal is between you two, even if it means taking the friendship one day at a time.
  3. At the end of a relationship, one person is typically more eager to break up, leaving the other with lingering feelings and/or a lack of closure. Before pursuing a friendship, try to suss out how you really feel about the relationship and whether or not you’ve healed from the emotional trauma.
    • If you feel sufficiently healed, check to see if your ex is feeling similarly. It takes two to tango when it comes to a healthy, post-breakup friendship.
    • Depending on the length of your relationship, it's advised to have 6 months to 1 year of no contact before approaching your ex about a friendship.
    • No contact can extend beyond not engaging in communication with them. It could also mean deleting them from social media, getting rid of all triggers like photos and songs, and taking a break from mutual friends. [3]
  4. It's totally understandable to miss the security of having a full-time activity buddy, confidante, and loving life partner, which is another top reason why exes remain friends. A long-term partner typically fulfills many roles, offering you support, trustworthiness, and validation. [4] Friendships with exes that are rooted in platonic support can work, as long as proper boundaries are put in place and there are no leftover romantic feelings.
    • If your ex is genuinely a good person who you ultimately decided was not romantically compatible with you, maintaining a casual friendship could work.
    • A mutual breakup is another indicator that a friendship may be possible, since both parties were in agreement that the relationship had to end.
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Section 3 of 5:

When Being Friends with an Ex is a Bad Idea

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  1. If your partner cheated, abused you, or made you feel unsafe in any way, it wouldn’t make sense to pursue a friendship with them. They didn't treat you kindly during the relationship, so why would they do so now after they've already lost you? [5]
    • Although it may be perfectly normal to think of them fondly from time to time, this doesn't mean you should reach out.
    • Remind yourself that the relationship ended for a reason.
  2. If your reasons for wanting to stay friends with your ex are rooted in guilt, it may be unwise to proceed. Feeling like you "owe" your ex a friendship to make up for past bad behaviors is a sign that there are still hurt feelings or anger on one or both sides. [6]
    • Take your time to figure out how the relationship truly affected you and allow your ex to do the same.
    • Guilt, regret, and resentment are all very normal emotions to experience in the aftermath of a breakup, so try not to beat yourself up.
  3. If you ask youself, "Am I still in love with my ex?" and the answer is yes, then our answer is no, don't try to be friends with them. Trying to rekindle a friendship when one or both parties are still romantically entangled is doomed to fail, as someone will surely end up feeling jealous, scorned, or heartbroken– again.
    • Studies show that on-again off-again relationships can be damaging to both people and have long-term mental and emotional consequences. [7]
    • Ask yourself the following: how would you react if your ex told you they were dating someone new? Would you be genuinely happy for them or would you feel like there’s a dagger stabbing your heart? If it’s the latter, do not engage.
  4. Loneliness is never a good reason to reach out to an ex, even if your intentions are platonic. Although wanting comfort, validation, and attention is very normal, try to find another way to feel better about your situation.
    • You can try hanging out with other friends, journaling, or talking to a therapist.
    • Befriending an ex out of loneliness could lead to sending mixed signals, more hurt feelings, and general messiness. [8]
    EXPERT TIP

    Denise Brady

    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Denise Brady is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Long Beach, CA. With 15 years of experience, she specializes in helping people through generational trauma and uses Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to assist clients in reprocessing traumatic experiences and memories. Denise is the owner of 'In the Meantime Breathe Family Counseling Services' and offers services in both California and Texas, including virtual and in-person therapy sessions. She also offers workshops, including ‘Embracing Empathy and Validation’ and ‘Preventing Parent Burnout’. Denise has previous experience working with the Department of Children Family Services (DCFS) and her practice is trusted and verified by Therapy for Black Girls and Psychology Today. She received her Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University in Los Angeles.
    Denise Brady
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

    Sometimes, it’s about loneliness and wanting to feel connected to someone. Maybe the easiest person to connect to is that past relationship, but you also want to think about, “Why did I leave?” And what happens when I don't see them anymore after this experience or they don't text me back? That void that you're hoping that person will fill is only temporary.

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Section 4 of 5:

How to Be Friends with an Ex

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  1. If it's been at least six months since the breakup, and you’ve asked yourself all the important questions and have decided that you do want to be friends with your ex, reach out to them to gauge the temperature of the situation. [9] If they’re open to a friendship, here are some good guidelines to follow.
  2. Ask yourself, "What do I want our new friendship to look like?" After a relationship ends, wading through the murky waters of a post-breakup friendship can look different to different former couples.
    • Think specifically about how this transition should go, considering all the things you want and don’t want out of a potential friendship.
    • Do you want your ex to be a friend or an acquaintance? How often do you hope to communicate? How often do you hope to hang out? Arrive at your answers and then decide on the next steps.
    • Maybe you don’t want a full-on friendship as much as you want to be cordial with them, which could simply mean a text from time to time or a biannual catch-up over coffee.
    • Whatever you decide, make sure both you and your ex are comfortable with the boundaries you've set moving forward.
    • Do not allow yourself to be bulldozed for the sake of keeping your ex in your life, avoiding conflict, or lingering guilt about the relationship. [10]
    • If you've both agreed not to discuss your love lives and your ex starts telling you about their hot date last Friday night, remind them that this is a violation of your friendship treaty.
    • If this kind of thing continues to happen, perhaps it's time to reconsider the friendship altogether.
  3. Being friends with an ex is definitely a choice, and one that might be tricky to explain to a future spouse. A lot of people won't be 100% comfortable with their partner being close friends with their ex, so do your due diligence in making sure that your new friendship is healthy, platonic, and non-threatening to future partners. [11]
    • If your ex shows any signs of jealousy or aggression when you share that you're dating someone new, the friendship might need to be put on pause.
    • Hold yourself accountable, too. If you're experiencing feelings of jealousy when your ex is chatting with you about their love life, consider removing yourself from that situation for your own mental health.
    EXPERT TIP

    Cristina Morara

    Dating Coach
    Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.
    Cristina Morara
    Dating Coach

    In healthy relationships based on trust and respect, [being friends with an ex] should not be a problem. There need to be clear boundaries, and the friendship should never infringe on your relationship in any way.

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Section 5 of 5:

Can being friends with your ex get you back together​?

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  1. So, you've started hanging out again with your ex, but as friends. Soon enough, though, you notice that you're spending more and more time together in more and more intimate settings. The feelings that were once there begin to resurface. What should you do? Ask yourself what would be different if you got back together.
    • The possibility of getting back together with an ex is often subtly present during the early stages of a post-breakup friendship; this is completely normal.
    • However, it's important to remember why you broke up in the first place and what could possibly be different this time if you tried to reignite your romantic spark. [12]
    • In some cases, it can make sense to get back together. For example, maybe you and your ex were doing long distance and now you're finally in the same city.
    • Of course, getting back together can sometimes stir up old issues or cause new ones.
    • In general, on-again off-again relationships lead to a lower quality of life. So, if you do proceed, do so with caution. [13]

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      References

      1. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12614
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201502/when-you-should-and-shouldnt-be-friends-your-ex
      3. ↑ https://exbackpermanently.com/text-after-no-contact/
      4. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/pere.12197
      5. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/can-you-be-friends-with-your-ex/
      6. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/can-you-be-friends-your-ex
      7. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12614
      8. ↑ https://www.vogue.com/article/being-friends-with-your-ex
      9. ↑ https://exbackpermanently.com/text-after-no-contact/
      1. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/can-you-be-friends-with-your-ex/
      2. ↑ https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/how-to-stay-friends-with-an-ex.html
      3. ↑ https://www.readersdigest.ca/health/relationships/couples-back-together-breakup/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202109/7-reasons-exes-get-back-together

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