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Look for signs your ex is missing you after the breakup
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At any point after a breakup, especially if you haven't talked to your ex in a while, you might start wondering if they miss you. The answer to that question is probably "yes," but it doesn't always mean they want to get back together. We talked to dating coach Lisa Shield and relationship expert Joshua Pompey to find out more about how to tell if your ex misses you and what to do about it.
Does Your Ex Miss You?
Your ex may miss you if they start reaching out for no reason or engaging with your social media account. Most people start to miss their exes within a few months of no contact. However, make sure you’ve both taken the time to work on yourselves before considering a reunion.
Steps
Section 1 of 5:
15 Signs Your Ex Misses You
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They contact you when it's not necessary. The best way to move on after a breakup is to break off all contact with your ex. If your ex not only hasn't done that but also contacts you frequently for basically no reason, it's a pretty clear sign that they miss you—or at least miss talking to you on a regular basis. [1] X Research source
- If they're contacting you frequently and you aren't interested in rekindling the flame, set boundaries regarding what kind of communication you're okay with.
- Shield recommends letting them know that "that part of your relationship is over,” and that you’re “no longer... their confidante or [emotional] support system."
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They always like and comment on your social media posts. Studies show that continuing to engage with your ex on social media after a breakup can increase your longing for them. [2] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source If they're quick to respond to anything you post, it's likely they're missing you.
- If you're not calling or texting them, they could see social media as the only way they have to hear from you or keep tabs on you.
- They might also be going back through your social media accounts because they're looking back at memories from the times when the two of you were together.
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They don't take down pictures of you on social media. After a breakup, a mutual purge of social media posts is pretty typical. You might not take down every single picture of the two of you together (especially group photos with other people), but if you're still featured prominently in your ex's primary profile photo? That's a sign they miss being with you. [3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- While it might also mean that they're just not very active on social media, they likely would've logged on to do this if it was something that bothered them.
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They keep "accidentally" running into you. When you're part of a couple, the two of you develop routines together. After a breakup, it's often super easy to predict where your ex is going to be based on those old patterns that you know. That means it's pretty easy to avoid each other but also pretty easy to run into each other—there's nothing accidental about it. If you keep bumping into each other, your ex might just be missing you and scheming up ways to see you. [4] X Research source
- Sometimes, it's just a matter of them wanting to see you again and nothing more. But if they want to rekindle your relationship, they might hope sparks fly if the two of you bump into each other.
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They keep in touch with your family and friends. Keeping in touch with people who are close to you is a pretty easy way to keep up with what's going on in your life—especially if you're not returning your ex's calls or texts. Here you're not talking about mutual friends, but people your ex only knows through you.
- This is more likely to indicate that your ex misses you if he's asking those people about you as well. For example, if your sister tells you that your ex randomly texted her the other day and asked about you, that's a pretty clear indication that your ex was missing you in that moment.
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They respond immediately when you call or text them. It's not difficult to interpret being left on "read," and the opposite can be equally clear. If your ex responds immediately to your texts or picks up your call after the first ring, it typically means they're excited to hear from you—and that could be because they miss you. Hearing from you triggers their brain to release the same feel-good chemicals they got when the two of you were still in love. [5] X Research source
- If they haven't heard from you in a while, they might just be responding quickly because of that.
- Being excited to hear from you or talk to you doesn't mean they're ready to get back together with you, but it does give you the opportunity to open the conversation if that's something you'd be interested in.
- For example, you might say, "It seems like you're excited to catch up but I've gotta run right now. Did you want to meet for coffee later this week? It's been a while!"
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They make up excuses to reach out to you or see you. Even if you're in a strict no-contact period, you're still human and understand that there might be times when you're literally the only one that your ex can call about something. But if this seems to be a recurring issue, it might be that they just wish they still had you in their life.
- Within the first week or two after the breakup, it's more likely that your ex will have things they genuinely need to connect with you about—especially if you lived together or have children together.
- After a month or so, your ex will typically run out of legitimate reasons they need to talk to you or see you—barring any continuing obligation the two of you share. This is when you can tell whether or not they’re digging for reasons to see you, which usually means that they miss you.
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They're talking about you to other people. If you and your ex were together for a while, it's likely that you have a pretty large circle of mutual friends. It's one thing if they're asking your friends what you're doing right now, but if they're instead reminiscing about favorite moments in your relationship, that could be a sign that they're missing you.
- Reminiscing also brings up all of those same old feelings they had when that moment happened, which can make them miss you even more while they're thinking back. [6] X Research source
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They've started working on something you used to bug them about. During the bargaining stage of grief after the end of your relationship, your ex might decide that they'll do anything to get you back. As a result, they start looking at things that you used to complain about and figure out a way to change those things in a way that you'll notice. They believe that you'll come back to them if you notice that change that they've made. [7] X Research source
- This is more likely to happen if you were the one who ended the relationship. But regardless of how your relationship ended, it's a sign that they're thinking about you and likely miss having you in their life so they want to make themselves more worthy of you.
- In this stage, they might not be ready to recommit to a healthy relationship with you because they likely haven't done the real work that they need to do with themselves to figure out what role they played in the demise of your relationship.
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They call or text late at night or when they're drunk. It's late, your ex is home alone and they've had a few drinks. Because alcohol lowers their inhibitions, they're going to find it a lot more difficult to resist the temptation of texting you. In fact, they might even be able to convince themselves that reaching out to you in this state is actually a good idea (because alcohol impairs your judgment as well). [8] X Research source
- It's usually best to ignore these calls and texts in the moment. You're not going to get anywhere with your ex if you try to talk to them while they're drunk.
- If the calls or texts bothered you, bring them up the next day. For example, you might say, "Going a little hard last night? Feel alright today? I'll ignore it this once, but please don't call or text me that late again."
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They propose being "friends with benefits." This is basically what people mean when they talk about someone wanting to have their cake and eat it too. Your ex likely misses your emotional support and physical affection, but not necessarily being in a relationship with you—and that's perfectly fine if you feel the same way. [9] X Research source
- If you want to get back together with your ex, being "friends with benefits" is probably not a good idea. You're far too likely to get your emotional signals scrambled and wind up getting heartbroken all over again.
- On the other hand, if this sounds like something that would benefit your life and not confuse you emotionally, go for it!
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They string you along without making any promises. If you've told them you're interested in getting back together, they might miss you if they're trying to keep you on the line. This is more likely if they're active on the dating scene—they could be trying to keep you on the back burner while they see what else is out there.
- Keep in mind this doesn't necessarily mean they want to get back into a romantic relationship with you. It could just mean that they're trying to hedge their bets, in a way.
- If you're in this situation, there's also a possibility that they'll start to realize that things with you weren't as bad as they thought they were.
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They bring up the breakup frequently. If your ex is repeatedly asking to talk about the breakup with you, it's likely because they're not quite over you yet. This is especially likely if you broke up with them because they might think that they can rationalize you into changing your mind and getting back together with them.
- If they're the one who broke up with you and they keep wanting to talk about the breakup, it could indicate that they're having second thoughts about ending the relationship.
- Second thoughts could mean that they miss you and want to get back together, but it could also simply mean that they're lonely in general.
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They've quickly jumped into a new relationship. A rebound relationship typically tells you that they're trying to get a quick ego boost rather than face the emotions they have surrounding the breakup. [10] X Research source It could mean that they miss you or simply that they miss the familiarity of being in a relationship.
- If you see that your ex is in a new relationship, take it seriously and give them space, even if you believe it's a rebound. If it is a rebound relationship, it's likely to fizzle out pretty quickly once your ex realizes that it's not making you jealous or upset.
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They try to make you jealous. Whether they're flaunting a rebound relationship in your face or just posting dozens of pictures of their wild nights out on the town every night, they probably miss you if they seem like they're trying to make you jealous. It can be a way to try to make you miss them too. [11] X Research source
- If seeing all of this on social media bothers you, blocking your ex is a good way to respond. They won't know that you've blocked them and you won't have to worry about getting upset by their posts.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201602/is-why-its-crucial-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22946958/
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- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201602/is-why-its-crucial-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201801/put-your-self-esteem-first-after-breakup
- ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
- ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
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- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201602/is-why-its-crucial-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/state-of-anxiety/202303/comparatively-speaking-do-men-break-up-badly
- ↑ https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/your-brains-response-to-your-ex-according-to-neuroscience
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-the-psychology-major/201705/how-let-go-after-your-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/staying-sane-inside-insanity/202301/how-to-recover-from-a-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-the-psychology-major/201705/how-let-go-after-your-breakup
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