Help, I want to fit in!
I am a seventeen-year-old homeschooler and until this September I have not been in any environments with public-schoolers. I recently got a job at my local pool as a swim instructor/lifeguard and have been spending time with my new coworkers who seem very different from me. Most of them are my peers and I desperately want to fit in with them, but don't know where to start. I don't understand most of what my coworkers talk about, I only use a minimal amount of slang, I've never dated anyone, I don't swear, and altogether I feel weird, awkward, insecure, and irrelevant. If you are a public-schooled teen, please help me know how to become more attractive and relatable to my coworkers while still being myself.
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Expert Comments
We sympathize with your situation! It can be really hard figuring out how to feel like you "fit in" when you're coming from such a different social environment. The good news is, the gulf between you and your peers is probably not as big as it feels sometimes, and it's likely to become even smaller the more time you spend with them.
The more you hang out, the more likely you are to pick up on their references and slang usage—and they'll probably pick up some of your habits and references as well. You might even try hanging out outside of work, if you don't already, which can help people open up and get to know each other better.
You probably have more in common with your peers than you think, but remember, when it comes down to it, most people are looking to be friends with someone who's, well, friendly, as well as authentic (which it sounds like you try to be). That matters far more than who you've dated or how much you curse.
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The more you hang out, the more likely you are to pick up on their references and slang usage—and they'll probably pick up some of your habits and references as well. You might even try hanging out outside of work, if you don't already, which can help people open up and get to know each other better.
You probably have more in common with your peers than you think, but remember, when it comes down to it, most people are looking to be friends with someone who's, well, friendly, as well as authentic (which it sounds like you try to be). That matters far more than who you've dated or how much you curse.
Okay so first of all, you can employ a psychological strategy where you study other people and mirror their behaviors. You can try this while still being true to who you are, by the way. I've used this strategy with kids whose coaching goal was to become more popular or fit in better. I’ve asked them to go to school or work and pay attention to what’s around them. What are the kids wearing? What type of language or slang are they using, and what are they talking about? Are there social media creators they're talking about?
So, you study your surroundings. And the goal is not to just mimic people, because people pick up on when people are copying you, but instead to study the environment and notice what things about their environment are interesting to you or resonate with you. From there, you’ll have some ideas of things you can engage with them on and talk about!
Secondly, I would emphasize the importance of valuing one's own way of being. Generally, people are interested in what is unique and different because our brain craves novel stimulus. If you’ve been homeschooled, that means you’ve had a different experience than a lot of your peers at the pool, and that could make you interesting to them! Try to see yourself that way; think about how you have interesting insights to offer, you are a prize, you present novelty, and you have a valuable perspective.
If you see yourself that way and think to yourself, “I’m a prize because I'm different”, you are going to present with more natural confidence, which in turn will make people feel more drawn to you.
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So, you study your surroundings. And the goal is not to just mimic people, because people pick up on when people are copying you, but instead to study the environment and notice what things about their environment are interesting to you or resonate with you. From there, you’ll have some ideas of things you can engage with them on and talk about!
Secondly, I would emphasize the importance of valuing one's own way of being. Generally, people are interested in what is unique and different because our brain craves novel stimulus. If you’ve been homeschooled, that means you’ve had a different experience than a lot of your peers at the pool, and that could make you interesting to them! Try to see yourself that way; think about how you have interesting insights to offer, you are a prize, you present novelty, and you have a valuable perspective.
If you see yourself that way and think to yourself, “I’m a prize because I'm different”, you are going to present with more natural confidence, which in turn will make people feel more drawn to you.
Part of trying to fit in as a teenager is looking for who your people are. There's a way to fit in that means pretending to be someone you're not, and there's a way to fit in that's finding people who like you the way you are.
Part of the gift of being homeschooled is that you are a little off the path - it's a little different. Embracing that difference and recognizing that your people might be other kids who also have something about them that's a little off the path, something about them or their upbringing or their experience that makes them also feel like they don't quite fit in. Find those people who understand that part of you and get to know what makes them feel a little different, and see if you can create your own space where fitting in is more about embracing your difference rather than trying to hide it.
If it's hard to find those people and you feel like the only option you have to make friends is to pretend to be somebody that you're not, then as someone who's done a lot of that, I just want to put out there that sometimes it's better to be really good company to yourself and to be true to yourself than to surround yourself with people who you know don't really know you or like you for who you are, because there's nothing lonelier than being surrounded by people who don't know the real you . Better to be you and alone than to be surrounded and to be pretending.
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Part of the gift of being homeschooled is that you are a little off the path - it's a little different. Embracing that difference and recognizing that your people might be other kids who also have something about them that's a little off the path, something about them or their upbringing or their experience that makes them also feel like they don't quite fit in. Find those people who understand that part of you and get to know what makes them feel a little different, and see if you can create your own space where fitting in is more about embracing your difference rather than trying to hide it.
If it's hard to find those people and you feel like the only option you have to make friends is to pretend to be somebody that you're not, then as someone who's done a lot of that, I just want to put out there that sometimes it's better to be really good company to yourself and to be true to yourself than to surround yourself with people who you know don't really know you or like you for who you are, because there's nothing lonelier than being surrounded by people who don't know the real you . Better to be you and alone than to be surrounded and to be pretending.
Reader Comments
Look, fitting in isn’t about forcing it or trying to be someone you’re not. If their slang feels unfamiliar, don’t stress—over time, you’ll pick up on it naturally. You don’t have to talk exactly like them to get along; just listen, laugh when it makes sense, and if you don’t understand something, ask. People love explaining their inside jokes.
The key is finding common ground. If they talk a lot about something you’re not familiar with, check it out online or just ask them about it. And if you want to get closer, suggest simple plans outside of work—like grabbing food or hanging out sometime.
Most importantly, it’s all about attitude. If you’re relaxed and open, people will pick up on that and feel comfortable around you. Give it time, be yourself, and you’ll naturally start to connect with them
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The key is finding common ground. If they talk a lot about something you’re not familiar with, check it out online or just ask them about it. And if you want to get closer, suggest simple plans outside of work—like grabbing food or hanging out sometime.
Most importantly, it’s all about attitude. If you’re relaxed and open, people will pick up on that and feel comfortable around you. Give it time, be yourself, and you’ll naturally start to connect with them
I totally understand not relating to my peers,I have ADHD and my social cues have never been great,that and I’ve gone to private catholic schools my entire life so I don’t really understand public schoolers. I also don’t have any social media so I don’t get a lot of pop culture references. Honestly just stay chill,kind and quiet,laugh when’s something’s funny and DO NOT ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! Especially about memes pop culture etc you are going to seem child-like and babyish. I know because of many bad past experiences. Also remember they’re your co-workers, they probably not going to be your best friends,being personable with people is enough sometimes.
And remember your gonna be fine!
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And remember your gonna be fine!
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