Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship: How Long Will the Honeymoon Last?

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Understand the 6-month cycles in narcissistic relationships
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So you’ve had a blissful few weeks, but if you’re dating someone with narcissistic traits, it might not be long until things take a turn for the worse. If you’re looking for information on the stages of a relationship with a person who displays narcissistic behaviors, you’ve come to the right place. We’re here to help with this complete guide to how long the honeymoon phase might last, what comes next, and how to best take care of yourself through it all.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid. Check out the full interview here.

Narcissistic Relationships: The Honeymoon Phase

The honeymoon phase with a narcissistic individual usually lasts a few weeks or months. Typically, the honeymoon period will end once the person has to make a long-term commitment to a partner. Then, they may start causing problems by devaluing or discarding the person that they’re dating.

Section 1 of 3:

How long does the honeymoon phase last with a narcissist?

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  1. This could take weeks or months, depending on the dynamics of your relationship. People with narcissistic traits tend to be very skilled at dating or early-stage relationships, but when it’s clear that the relationship is moving in a long-term direction, they might cause serious problems. [1]
    • Every relationship is different, as is every individual—even those with narcissistic traits. Relationships with people who have narcissistic qualities often feature a honeymoon phase, but your own experience might be different. [2]
    • Remember that not every person with dominant narcissistic behaviors is going to behave in the same way, and you could even have a positive romantic experience overall with someone who has these traits.
  2. Some couples might not experience one at all, which doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t have a strong relationship. When one partner has narcissistic traits, however, it’s likely that the honeymoon phase will be shorter and more intense, as this individual may provide their partner with adoration only up until their bond is established. [3]
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Section 2 of 3:

What are the other phases in a relationship with a narcissist?

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  1. During this phase, your partner may gradually start to criticize or deride you. Because this change is gradual, you might not notice this behavior until weeks or even months after it’s started. [5]
    • Some signs you’ve moved into the devaluation phase include a partner humiliating you in front of others, immediately dismissing your point of view, questioning your intelligence, or simply treating you like a second-class citizen. [6]
    • If you suspect that you’re in a relationship with a toxic or emotionally abusive individual, keep track of moments when they seem to devalue you. Otherwise, you may only realize you’ve been treated poorly months later.
    • You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Catching these kinds of behaviors early and confronting your partner about them head-on can keep the devaluation phase from escalating.
  2. During the discard phase, your partner may explicitly end their relationship with you. They may also stay in the relationship but give you a final dismissal, saying something like, “I want nothing to do with you,” and leaving you to pick up the pieces. [7]
    • If a person discards you, treat this as an opportunity to leave the relationship altogether. There are many fulfilling relationships waiting for you on the other side of this one.
    • If you determine that the person you’re in a relationship with will never give you the kind of love you want, you can free yourself from them. [8]
    • Keep in mind that not everyone with narcissistic traits acts the same way, and only a medical professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
    • Plus, many people may break off relationships abruptly or act in a toxic way—this behavior doesn’t necessarily mean that they have a narcissistic personality.
  3. This is a process called “hoovering,” during which the partner with narcissistic traits returns to the same tactics of adoring you and treating you well that they used during the honeymoon phase. Even if it’s tough, try to resist: if you allow them to bring you back into their orbit, they will likely repeat this cycle again. [9]
    • Before getting hoovered back into a relationship, try talking to a neutral friend or therapist about your relationship. They can give you the perspective you need to resist the allure of a “fresh start” with your partner.
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Section 3 of 3:

How to Manage a Relationship with a Narcissist

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  1. A common trait of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is someone not giving you any space in discussions, instead opting to shut you down or talk over to you. [10] Remember you have your own experience of the relationship and deserve to share it, rather than let your partner dictate everything. [11] Claim space by saying something like:
    • “I see what you’re saying. Would you mind if I said a few words?”
    • “I’d like to share how I see things.”
    • “I’ve heard what you have to say. Give me a chance to respond.”
  2. Often, someone with narcissistic tendencies may struggle to let you be right. They may believe that your purpose is to serve them, not contradict them. Getting into an argument over the details of a situation isn’t likely to go anywhere constructive. Depending on how your partner acts, try responding in the following ways: [12]
    • If your partner says something hurtful to you, reply, “I disagree with your assessment of me,” and change the subject.
    • If you feel an argument getting heated, say, “I’m going to think about what you said. Let’s take a break from this conversation for now and revisit it tonight.”
    • If you feel unsafe, please leave the room as quickly and safely as possible.
  3. Every relationship needs boundaries, but they’re especially important with someone who displays narcissistic behaviors. A good strategy to set boundaries is empathic confrontation, where you acknowledge you see where the other person believes they’re coming from, and then set a strict boundary. For example: [13]
    • “I know that you care about me, but when you criticize me in front of our friends, it makes me feel embarrassed and humiliated. If you do this again, I’m going to leave whatever social event we’re at.”
    • “I know that you’re intelligent, but when you dismiss my opinions, it makes me feel like you don’t value me. If you keep shutting down my contributions, I don’t want to listen to you talk about work anymore.”
    • “I know that you’re upset, but when you threaten to end our relationship every time we have a disagreement, I feel insecure about how strong it is. If you do this again, I’m going to leave.”
  4. A toxic or abusive partner might try to isolate you from your other relationships, but it’s important that you maintain a strong connection with them. Inviting a friend to coffee or picking up the phone to talk to a family member is a great way of reminding yourself what relationships of mutual care look like and help you heal. [14]
    • If you are wondering if the way that your partner is acting is “normal,” ask a friend. They can give you a helpful outsider perspective.
    • You don’t need to spend your time with your friends and family talking about your partner and their narcissistic traits. Even a casual, friendly conversation can help remind you of life outside this relationship.
  5. Even if you can’t convince your partner to attend therapy with you, you can certainly benefit from counseling. Find a therapist who has experience helping people in relationships where one person displays narcissistic behaviors. Inquiring before your first session about whether they have experience or training working with survivors of narcissistic abuse can help you find the right fit. [15]
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      • Avoid labeling anyone as a “narcissist” if they have not been professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is a legitimate mental health condition that many people work hard to manage and overcome in order to have healthy and fulfilling relationships. [17]
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      • People with NPD are not necessarily toxic or abusive, and people may be toxic or abusive without having NPD.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27560609/
      2. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      3. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      5. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      6. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      7. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      8. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      9. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      1. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      2. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/all-parents/partnerships-and-marriage/building-strong-partnerships/how-and-when-use-empathetic
      5. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/
      6. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      7. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690

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