Do I Have Relationship Anxiety?

What Causes Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is characterized by feelings of uncertainty, intense worry, apprehension about the state of your relationship, and an ongoing need for reassurance from your partner about their feelings for you and their commitment to the relationship. It can come from a variety of different causes, and determining the source can go a long way toward eventually overcoming it. The potential causes include:

Anxious attachment style. Your attachment style is traced back to your relationship with your primary caregivers as a child and how you bonded with them. Based on those early relationships, your attachment style can determine how you interact and form relationships with others later in life.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely had a rocky relationship with your caregivers as a child. They may have been kind and loving one minute and cruel or neglectful the next, which may have led you to develop deep anxieties surrounding relationships and trust. People with an anxious attachment style may be insecure, unsure of their worth as a partner, and frequently on edge, looking out for signs that their relationship is crumbling (even when there are no signs present).

Past negative or toxic relationships. If your relationship ended because your partner violated your trust, that fear and pain could easily stay with you, even as you pursue other, healthier relationships. You may also have had a relationship with a toxic partner who criticized you, made you question your self-worth, or withheld affection to get what they wanted from you. That kind of behavior can leave its mark and make you doubt the stability of your current relationship.

Low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, it can cause you to question the depth of your partner’s feelings for you. If you feel like you’re unlovable, you might have trouble believing that your partner loves you—even when they tell you that they do wholeheartedly. Insecurity can also lead you to question your partner’s faithfulness or the future of the relationship, even though their behavior hasn’t raised any red flags.

A lack of communication. In some cases, relationship anxiety is simply the result of poor communication. One or both of you may have trouble opening up, expressing your feelings to one another, and having honest discussions about how the relationship is going or what your plans are for the future. Lack of clear communication cause you to question the strength of your relationship and leave you feeling anxious around your partner.

How Can You Overcome Relationship Anxiety?

Though it may feel difficult, overcoming relationship anxiety is a very achievable goal. Worrying about your partner and their feelings can take a toll on the relationship, and it’s mentally exhausting. To get started on banishing those fears, consider the following strategies:

Find and confront the source of your anxiety. If you know why you feel so anxious all the time, it makes the baseless fears easier to identify and confront. The next time you start worrying about your relationship, ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way? Where is it coming from?” For example, you might be worried about being “good enough” for your partner because of unpleasant memories from a failed relationship.

Once you know the source of your anxiety, you can catch those intrusive worries and stop them from getting to you. So, if you recognize that your fear is coming from a past relationship, you can tell yourself, “That’s in the past, and my ex-partner who made me feel this way was in the wrong, not me.” Essentially, having a concrete reason to disregard your fears makes it much easier to do.

Communicate with your partner. Your partner can be an amazing source of encouragement and support if you let yourself open up to them. In any healthy relationship, it’s crucial to talk through significant things together—including worries, expectations, and plans for the future of the relationship. So, when you feel your anxiety taking over, seek out your partner and tell them how you’re feeling. Their assurance can help you put your fears to rest, so you can move forward feeling confident about the relationship.

Live in the moment. In some cases, you may experience relationship anxiety about things that haven’t happened yet. You might anticipate problems that don’t exist or worry about what will happen between you and your partner in the future—but the truth is, you can’t predict the future, which makes worrying about it a waste of energy. Instead, focus on enjoying the present and living in the moment. Savor the happiness you feel with your partner right now, and catch yourself if you start thinking about future events that might never happen.

Take new relationships slowly. Anxiety can make new relationships especially difficult to navigate. Remember, a little nervousness is natural at the beginning of a relationship! You don’t know your partner as well, you’re still learning about each other, and that’s completely okay.

Ease into new relationships with small steps that are less likely to trigger your anxiety. For example, you could join a dating app and spend the first couple of weeks just talking to your potential partner via text or over the phone. And, if you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to take a step back and put yourself out there again when you feel ready.

Talk to a therapist about your anxiety. Therapy is an incredibly useful tool for overcoming all kinds of anxiety and insecurity. If you feel like relationship anxiety is affecting your relationships, find a therapist to help you control those fears. Through talk therapy, you can learn new tools to manage your anxious thoughts and build healthier, happier relationships in the future.