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If an unwanted admirer likes you but you are uninterested, that's okay. Don’t encourage their flirty behavior, and try not to send any mixed signals. If they don’t take the hint, have an open and honest conversation with them, explaining that you aren’t interested. Be firm and inflexible with your decision so they don’t try to persuade you otherwise. It can be tricky to handle an unwanted admirer, but with some honesty and compassion, you can easily repel your crush.
Steps
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Distance yourself gradually when you want an admirer to back off. If you suspect that someone close to you has romantic feelings but you are not interested, that's okay. To ensure you don't show interest in them, distance yourself from them gradually. You can do this by keeping busy with personal hobbies, making plans with other people, and expanding your social network. Once you start to distance yourself, your friend or coworker may get the hint. [1] X Research source
- For example, if your best friend of the opposite gender expresses interest in you, you may want to hang out with a group instead.
- Ways to pull back include not responding to their texts right away, not asking as many questions about their life, and seeming busy with other things.
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Ignore flirtatious behavior so they don’t think you like them back. While you can keep your interactions friendly, don’t seem too friendly. Avoid sending mixed signals so they don’t mistake your kindness for affection. For instance, don't touch them, make deep eye contact, or tease or joke with them. Keep the conversation brief, and don’t offer many personal details in conversation. This way, you seem polite but disinterested. [2] X Research source
- For example, if you are at school and your unwanted crush asks you how your weekend was, say something like, “Great! How was yours?” rather than “Amazing! I went bowling, got a delicious dinner, and hung out with some friends. What were you up to?” This is still friendly and nice, but it doesn’t get too personal.
- Try not to send mixed messages—don't hold the person's hand or touch their shoulder playfully, for instance. Be sure to keep things platonic at all times so they know you only seem them as a friend. [3]
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Expert Source
Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
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Move away abruptly and ask them to stop if they touch you. If your unwanted crush wants to act flirty by touching your arm or back, flinch immediately, draw back your arm, and ask for them to respect your personal space. By letting them know that touching you isn’t acceptable, they may get the hint that you don’t like them. [4] X Research source
- For example, if your unwanted crush wants to hug you before saying goodbye, make your exit before they get a chance to reach in for the embrace. Smile, wave goodbye, and walk away instead.
- While they may not mean any harm by their actions, it can still make you uncomfortable, and it’s okay to say something to make them stop.
- You can say something like, “Sorry, I like my personal space.”
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Say “no” if they ask you for your number or invite you on a date. If someone is crushing on you, they may ask you for your phone number or ask you out on a date. If you want them to get lost, say “no” sternly but with a polite tone so they get the hint without getting their feelings hurt. By turning them down, they may understand that you are not interested in them. [5] X Research source
- When they ask you to go on a date, say something like, “I’m not interested, but thanks for asking," or "No thank you, but I appreciate the offer."
- If they ask for your phone number, say something along the lines of, "I don't give out my personal line to coworkers," or "Sorry, I only see you as a friend."
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Communicate your feelings honestly but gently so you don’t hurt them. If your unwanted crush continues to pester you with flirty comments or date ideas, it may be time to lay down the law. Pull them aside at school or at work so you can talk face-to-face. Frame your words in a straightforward manner so they do not try to look for ways to convince you otherwise. [6] X Research source
- For instance, ask your unwanted crush if you can talk in private, and say something along the lines of, “I feel like you may want something more than just friendship with me, and I feel awkward not saying anything. Sadly, I don’t have these feelings for you too.”
- You can also say something like, “I’ve noticed you acting really flirty with me. To clear the air, I just want you to know I’m not interested in being more than friends with you.”
- For a more subtle approach, you might say, "I'm really happy to have a friend like you in my life," or "Thanks for being my friend." [7]
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Expert Source
Erika Kaplan
Matchmaker Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
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Avoid joking about the situation. Letting down your unwanted crush may seem awkward and uncomfortable, and it’s easy to laugh off the situation to make it seem less weird. However, this may lead your unwanted crush on, and they may assume that they still have a chance. Try to keep a friendly tone but be firm about how you feel. [8] X Research source
- Instead of joking around, try to diffuse the tension by talking about something else. For instance, if you are at work, mention how much work you have to do today. If you are at school, talk about the upcoming football game or big exam.
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Explain your disinterest briefly so they don't try to negotiate with you. You don’t have to give a detailed explanation of why you don’t want to go out with them. If you do, they may try to negotiate or convince you to go out later. This can make you feel uncomfortable or guilty, so try to let them down with a short and sweet excuse. [9] X Research source
- For example, you may use an excuse such as, “I’m not interested in going out right now,” or “I don’t date coworkers.” While this can repel them, it may also give them false hope in thinking you may be interested down the line. They may respond with things like, “Maybe I’ll see how you feel in a few months instead,” or “Well, what if I got another job?”
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Deflect any feelings of guilt so you don’t feel bad. Don’t blame yourself if your unwanted crush seems sad or dejected after you let them down. While the situation may be tough, it is not your fault and you aren’t responsible for their emotions. What is important is that you are true to how you feel. Try to distance yourself from the situation, and don't overthink how you made them feel. [10] X Research source
- For example, if your unwanted crush has a long frown on their face after you tell them you are not interested, say something like, "I'm sorry you are sad," and move on.
- If you keep their hopes up, they will only feel worse as time goes on.
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Maintain friendly relations if you think that is best. If you still want to be friends with your unwanted crush or if you work together in the same office, keep a friendly and upbeat tone with them so things don’t seem strange between you. Act like it’s no big deal that they have a crush on you, as if it doesn’t make a difference. This way, things seem normal rather than tense or uncomfortable. [11] X Research source
- For example, when you are at school or work, say "hello" with a nice tone and go about your day.
- Alternatively, if your unwanted crush is someone you don’t want in your life, that’s perfectly fine. Do not talk to them anymore and keep to yourself instead.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I act when I know someone likes me but I don't like them?Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.There's a way to be subtle without hurting their feelings. Make sure you're not sending mixed messages by holding their hand, touching them on the shoulder, or anything like that. If need be, you can make it more clear by saying things like, "I'm so happy to have you as a friend in my life." If they don't respect your boundaries, however, you may need to be more direct.
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QuestionWhat if they kiss me when they tell me their feelings?Karley SnyderCommunity AnswerIf you aren't interested in them and they kiss you, immediately pull back and say stop. Explain that this is inappropriate, and tell them that you are not interested in them. This could be considered sexual harassment, as the kiss was not something you expected or desired.
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QuestionWhat do I do if my friend is helplessly in love with me but I like someone else instead?Karley SnyderCommunity AnswerKnow that it's okay if you don't like your friend. You can't force who you like and dislike. However, consider if you are flirty or if you are leading on your friend at all, and be sure not to do this. Keep your interactions friendly. If you want to clear the air, bring it up with them. Say something like, "I know you really like me. I'm sorry, but I like someone else instead. It's nothing personal."
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Tips
- Get a friend or third-party involved to back you up if you need support. For example, you can get some of your friends to stand with you in the hallway so your unwanted crush leaves you alone.Thanks
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Warnings
- If your unwanted crush does not respect your boundaries even after you tell them to leave you alone, this could be considered harassment. To deal with harassment , ask a parent, professional, counselor, or boss for help.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-when-someone-asks-you-out
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-when-someone-asks-you-out
- ↑ Erika Kaplan. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
- ↑ https://www.themuse.com/advice/onesided-love-how-to-deal-with-office-crushes
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-when-someone-asks-you-out
- ↑ https://www.themuse.com/advice/onesided-love-how-to-deal-with-office-crushes
- ↑ Erika Kaplan. Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/love/how-to-deal-with-an-unwanted-crush.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/love/how-to-deal-with-an-unwanted-crush.html
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