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Being told you’re manipulative can hurt your feelings, but it’s a behavior you can stop. You may manipulate others if you grew up around others who did so. In some cases, manipulation may have been the only way to get your childhood needs met. However, manipulating others can cause you to lose relationships, so it’s important to recognize manipulative behavior and stop it. Then, replace those behaviors with healthy communication strategies to build strong relationships.
Steps
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Notice if you make someone feel guilty or shameful to get your way. This might include crying, whining, or pouting. You might be able to get what you want by making people feel badly about themselves, but this isn’t healthy behavior. If you continue to behave this way, the person will likely pull away from you over time. [1] X Research source
- Any time you’re trying to control someone’s feelings, you’re being manipulative.
- For example, you might say something like, “If you really love me, you’ll stay home with me tonight,” “My friends can’t believe you treat me this way,” or “I hate it when we work together because I have to do more than my share.” The purpose of these statements is to get the other person to do something for you.
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Watch for lying or twisting the truth. This includes trying to change the meaning of something you said or deliberately misinterpreting what someone else said. You might also hide information in an effort to get what you want. [2] X Research source
- For example, you might have said, “I’m going to stay in tonight.” Later, you might tell the person you’re manipulating, “I meant that I wanted us to hang out at home tonight.”
- Similarly, your coworker may have told you her part of a shared project will be late because the client rescheduled a meeting. You might manipulate your boss into seeing you more favorably by saying, "I finished my assignment 3 days ago, but I'm chasing her around to get her to finish the report. I might just have to do it myself."
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Notice if you’ve been withholding something to get your way. It’s easy to manipulate someone by withholding something they want, such as sex, money, assistance, or love. This can also include withdrawing from them or refusing to talk to them. [3] X Research source
- You might maintain control temporarily by withholding something from someone, but they’ll eventually pull away from you.
- For example, you might say something like, “Don’t contact me until you’re ready to apologize,” or “I’m not helping with the housework again unless you admit you were wrong.”
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Consider if you might be blaming others for something you did. It might be hard for you to accept responsibility for your feelings or actions. This might make you reframe situations to make others seem responsible. You might even spread gossip about them so others take your side. [4] X Research source
- For instance, let’s say you missed a doctor’s appointment because you overslept. Instead of accepting that it was your fault because you missed your alarm, you might blame your partner for keeping you up too late or not waking you up. If they take on the blame, you don’t have to feel bad about your mistake.
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Notice if you’re often vague about what you really want. This means dropping hints or suggestions about what you want instead of just telling someone directly. This is an unhealthy way of trying to get what you want and may cause a conflict. [5] X Research source
- As an example, you may say, “I don’t think I have anything going on Saturday night,” instead of telling your friend you want to go see a movie with them.
- As another example, let's say you're unhappy that some of your coworkers went out to lunch without you. A healthy way to handle this would be to talk to them directly to tell them that you're interested in going next time. However, you might attempt to manipulate the situation instead by gossiping about the person who organized the lunch or trying to get them in trouble for something unrelated.
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Recognize if you tend to create drama between people for your benefit. You might manipulate your friends, relatives, and coworkers to make them like you better than everyone else. This often involves spreading gossip and driving a wedge between others so that they each turn to you for support and friendship. However, this is unhealthy behavior that is unfair to them. [6] X Research source
- While this can work temporarily, it’s likely people will eventually catch on. When this happens, you might lose your friends. It’s better to be honest with people.
- For instance, you might become your parents' favorite by telling them nice things and pretending to always act perfectly while also telling them every time your siblings act up and making up stories to make your siblings look bad.
- Similarly, you might get everyone to exclude a coworker you don't like by telling everyone that they spread rumors even though you're the one who is actually gossiping.
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Stop yourself as soon as you notice manipulative behavior. Take a step back from the situation so you can reflect on what you’re doing. Then, talk to the other person about the situation and how you feel. Be as direct and honest with them as possible.
- It’s okay to take some time on your own to work through your feelings. It’s hard to change your behavior, so allow yourself to take baby steps.
- Usually, people aren't intentionally manipulative—typically, you're just repeating old patterns that you might have learned from your family or old relationships. [7]
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Expert Source
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020. - If you’re in the middle of talking to someone when you recognize the behavior, you don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m sorry to interrupt our conversation, but I need a few minutes to think.” Alternatively, you could just excuse yourself to the restroom for some privacy.
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Listen to the other person’s perspective on the situation. It’s likely you are only seeing things from your point of view, which is why you use manipulation to get what you want. Considering the feelings of others can help you overcome these behaviors. Let the other person share how they feel about things, and take it all in without thinking about what you might say in response. Then, look for a compromise that allows you both to win. [8] X Research source
- For example, you might want to go out on Friday night, but your partner might want to hang out with friends. Instead of guilting them into doing what you want, listen to their feelings on the situation. Then, find a way for you to both be happy, such as scheduling your date night for Saturday so that both of you can spend time with friends on Friday.
- If your partner isn't able to help you work through your manipulation tactics, that's fine—make sure you take responsibility for it on your own. [9]
X
Expert Source
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
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Accept that you can’t always have things your way. Getting what you want might make you feel good, but no one always gets what they want. If you’re always winning, chances are the people around you are having to give up what they want. Be open to compromise so that things are as fair as possible. [10] X Research source
- If something is really important to you, it’s okay to speak up for what you want.
- As an example, you might really want a work assignment that goes to someone else, but it's not healthy to make up lies about that person to try to undermine their reputation at work. Although this might help you get the next project assignment, overall it will be bad for both your career and your reputation. Plus, it's hurtful to the other person.
- Similarly, let's say you're off from work on Wednesday night and want to go out, but your partner wants to stay home. Instead of making them feel bad for not doing what you want, you could order takeout and watch a movie together instead.
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Take responsibility for your own needs and feelings. You are the only person who can control your actions and reactions. Ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way, then give yourself what you need to feel better. [11] X Research source
- Although it might make you feel bad at first, accepting responsibility for your own thoughts and actions can be empowering.
- For example, let’s say you’re feeling lonely and want your friend to come over even though they’re busy. Instead of saying something like, “I guess you don’t care about me after all” to manipulate them into coming over, you could do something fun by yourself. You might turn on your favorite movie or go shopping.
Recognize your behavior.
"I knew when I was doing something wrong, or afterward I would feel guilty. This helped me realize it is not only me who feels this way. Manipulation may not be intentional, and if you have read this article, you want to be aware of it and change just like me."
- Leyla C.
Self-reflect on past relationships.
"I never realized I was being manipulative by victimizing myself, but when my ex broke up with me, something clicked and I realized I needed to change. This article has allowed me to become a better partner."
- Abby P.
Did you know that wikiHow has collected over 365,000 reader stories since it started in 2005? We’d love to hear from you! Share your story here
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Work with a counselor if you’re having trouble changing your behavior. Changing your behavior is very difficult, and you might not be able to do it on your own. A counselor or therapist can help you identify behaviors you need to change and address the thoughts behind them. They’ll also help you learn new behaviors that are healthier for you. [12] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- You can find a counselor or therapist online.
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Be direct about what you want instead of manipulating others. No one can read your mind, so only you know what you want. Tell your partner, relatives, friends, and coworkers exactly what you need from them. Even if they say no, you can discuss how you feel and work on a compromise. [13] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.- This is the most important step to stopping your manipulative behavior.
- Say, “I want you to call me more often,” “I want to change the division of our workload,” or “It hurts my feelings when I’m not invited to girls’ night.” This way the person knows exactly what you want. Although they might not give it to you, it’s a starting point for a healthy compromise.
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Accept “no” for an answer without guilting someone. You may want to make plans with someone or may want a favor. In some cases, they may say “no.” Let that be the end of it, rather than trying to make them feel guilty so they’ll do what you want. [14] X Research source
- Let’s say you want your sister to watch your children so you can go out. If she says “no,” thank her and pursue other arrangements. Don’t say, “Wow, I guess you don’t like spending time with your nieces.”
- Similarly, you might want your boss to let you take off on a busy work day, but they told you no. Don't cry or say something like, "I should've known you'd say 'no' because I'm the only one here who never gets to take a day off."
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Respect the boundaries of others. Manipulative people often have poor boundaries. Allow people to have their own personal space, and respect their life decisions. Similarly, don’t try to change people. [15] X Research source
- For instance, don’t keep calling someone if they’ve expressed that they need a break.
- If you're unhappy with your partner's behavior, talk to them and try to seek a compromise. Don't try to manipulate them into being the perfect partner for you. For example, you might want your partner to change the way they dress, but it's manipulative to say, "Wow, you really look homeless today. Doesn't it bother you that none of your coworkers think you look professional?" Instead, let them be who they want to be.
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Reciprocate when someone does something nice for you. Manipulative people take advantage of others, but you can avoid this by giving back. Show your gratitude for the kindness people show you, and give something in return when it’s appropriate. [16] X Research source
- For instance, give a heartfelt “thank you” when a person gives you a gift. You might also return the gesture at a later time, when you’re able to.
- As another example, let's say someone covered your shift at work so you could take off one day. The next time they need off, offer to cover their shift for them.
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Do nice things without expecting anything in return. It’s nice when people respond to your kindness by returning it. However, expecting someone to behave a certain way is manipulative. Adopt a “no strings attached” policy for when you do nice things or give to others.
- Let’s say you bought coffee for a coworker. Don’t expect them to buy you a coffee the next time they’re out.
- As another example, you might offer to watch someone's children while they're dealing with a difficult situation. Don't expect them to pay you or offer you a gift in return, unless they offered to do so in advance.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy am I manipulative?Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.It's not that we are purposefully manipulative in relationships. These patterns may have worked in your family system, and now you are unconsciously trying to apply the old rules. You have to learn what you're unconsciously trying to express when you attempt to get what you want any way other than directly asking for it.
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Tips
- Everyone has engaged in manipulation at one point or another, so don’t feel bad about yourself. It’s good that you are taking action to change your behavior.Thanks
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Warnings
- Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse, so it’s harmful to your relationships and those you love. [17] X Research sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201610/9-classic-traits-manipulative-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201610/9-classic-traits-manipulative-people
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201108/mastering-the-art-compromise
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201108/mastering-the-art-compromise
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201610/9-classic-traits-manipulative-people
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9657-antisocial-personality-disorder
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201904/5-things-you-need-know-about-personal-space
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gratitude
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-abuse
About This Article
Article Summary
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Recognizing and stopping your own manipulative behavior can be difficult, but you can start by noticing whenever you try to shame or guilt someone to get your way. Whenever you notice your manipulative behavior take a step back and reflect on what you’re doing so you can stop yourself from doing it. Over time, you can change your manipulative behavior and learn to be okay with being denied what you want. Then you can learn to be direct about what you want instead of trying to manipulate another person. For information about how to work with a counselor to change your behavior, keep reading!
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"I am a 16-year-old manipulative person, but I never knew how and why or even a way to stop myself. I think after this article, I realized what I was doing was actually emotionally draining for me too, so I'll have to change for the better. I hope I succeed."
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