What Do Sex Dreams Mean?

Co-authored by John Keegan and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: October 25, 2023 References

Sex dreams are normal, but it’s not always clear what they’re saying. If you’ve ever woken up from one with more questions than answers, we’re here to help. We’ll cover the main reasons people fantasize in their sleep—plus, we’ll unpack the meanings behind the most common sex dreams. To interpret your sex dreams and learn more about what you’re subconsciously seeking, read on.

Section 1 of 2:

Why do I have sex dreams?

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Sex dreams are totally normal and usually symbolic. No matter what happened in your dream, you don't need to feel ashamed or guilty. Most people have sex dreams—in fact, up to 70% of people report that they'd had one. A sex dream is simply a sign of your brain working through all your thoughts. ^{[1]
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- For example, if you dream of an act you find taboo, you might just crave the freedom associated with it.
Frequently, dreams about sex connect to feelings that aren't related to lust. For example, if you’ve struggled to feel connected to your partner, you may fantasize about infidelity. Your dreams offer important insight about your psychological well being and help you reflect on it. ^{[2]
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Sex dreams can also be vivid representations of what you feel is missing in your life or what you’re really craving. You might even picture a tryst with an authority figure if you want to be respected in your field. Interpreting sex dreams can be a great practice for realizing what would make you happier. ^{[3]
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If you experience a lot of emotional intimacy with someone or if you highly respect them, then it’s natural you’ll think about them a lot. They may even show up in one of your sex dreams, but it’s usually just a sign that you want someone to look up to. ^{[4]
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If you need an answer to a question, sex dreams may be a subconscious way of giving yourself a "wake up" call. For instance, if you have recurrent fantasies about being in control, then you may need to focus on self-empowerment or speaking up for yourself. ^{[5]
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Section 2 of 2:

Common Sex Dreams and Their Meanings

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Dreaming of sex with a stranger may point to your high libido. If you have a strong sex drive then you may picture a random person while you’re in a state of physical arousal. Typically, it doesn’t mean you want casual sex or to step outside a relationship. It usually just suggests you want a sexual outlet. ^{[6]
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- What to do:
  - Find another outlet to pour your energy and passion into. For example, throw yourself into a sport or a hobby.
  - Consider how to get your physical needs met. You may wish to exercise, begin dating, or try out casual encounters.
  - Communicate with your partner about how much frequency you'd like in your sex life. Work on acknowledging each other's preferences.
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Fantasies about an ex may hint you miss your past relationship. Either you don’t feel closure or there’s an element from your former partnership that you crave. For example, you may feel that there’s less adventure in your love life. Any dreams about your ex bring attention to what you think you lack access to. ^{[7]
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- What to do :
  - Reflect on whether you received closure. Do you feel like you've totally moved on, or do you still pine for your ex?
  - Write down what you miss from your previous relationship. For example, "We used to go on spontaneous trips and travel a lot."
  - Bring up what you'd like to add to your love life now. You might tell your partner, "Can we prioritize quality time with each other?"
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Dreaming of specific sex acts may mean you'd like to experiment. If you picture a certain sex act that isn’t a normal part of your love life—for example, oral sex—then you might be either curious or shy. Your fantasy gives you a chance to open a dialogue about trying new activities with your partner. ^{[8]
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- What to do :
  - Reflect on why you find an act taboo or shocking. Maybe your peers made jokes about it or a former partner never wanted to try it.
  - If you're very excited by the dream, share your thoughts with your partner. Negotiate your boundaries and discuss your desires with each other.
  - If you find yourself curious about the sex act, read up on it and learn from the experiences of other people.
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Sex dreams about BDSM can suggest you crave surrender or control. Pay attention to whether you’re bound or if you’re giving orders. To determine what you’re searching for, ask yourself—do you feel stressed and like you want to let go, or would you like extra power? ^{[9]
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- What to do :
  - Consider where you feel powerless in your life. For example, you may feel overwhelmed by your college classes.
  - Think about any responsibilities that you'd like to give up. Maybe you do a lot of the housework and can delegate some of those tasks.
  - Reflect on where you'd like more authority. You might want to take up more space at work or in a local organization.
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Imagining sex with an authority figure implies you want approval. Since attention from mentors or supervisors can make you feel confident, dreams of sex with them usually just mean you’d like extra validation. When you have these fantasies, think about areas in your life where you’d like to shine. ^{[10]
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- What to do :
  - Think about your childhood. For example, were your parents very proud of you, or did it seem like they were never satisfied?
  - Consider if you feel a sense of belonging right now. Do your peers listen to you and value you, or do you want more influence?
  - Picture the way you want to be seen by people. Do you want to be praised for your opinions or your work ethic?
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Sex dreams with dirty talk may mean you’re seeking freedom. If you use scandalous language, you might want to let go of any shame. Plus, you may wish to say whatever you like without experiencing judgment. Consider where you can be more vocal about your opinions or beliefs in your waking life. ^{[11]
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- What to do :
  - Pinpoint the places in your life where you feel self-conscious. For example, do you stay quiet in family gatherings so you aren't judged?
  - Think about what you'd like to be more courageous about. Maybe you want to be more upfront about inequalities that you see.
  - Reflect on when you "sugarcoat" situations too much. You might need to confess that you wish your partner would clean up after themselves.
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Dreams of intimacy with friends can indicate you feel very trusting. If you’ve bonded with someone you’re close to, like a roommate, then you might associate them with comfort and safety. Reflect on whether you’re truly attracted to them or if you just value the emotional connection you share. ^{[12]
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- What to do :
  - Think back to any recent conversations you've had. For example, did you just talk about an important childhood event with your friend?
  - Consider whether you've bonded with someone more quickly than expected. Does your roommate feel like a confidante after just 3 months?
  - Focus on what you may miss. You may be in a new environment, so you wish you were around supportive friends right now.
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Fantasies about sex at home may be connected to emotional safety. If you're in the kitchen, you may want your heart nourished. Intimacy in the shower may suggest a desire to be cleansed. Meditate on where sex is taking place to uncover what might comfort you. ^{[13]
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- What to do :
  - Think about what different rooms mean to you. Maybe your home office makes you think about productivity and you'd like to work on a project.
  - Also consider what you need relief from. You might actually be thinking of your home office because you want to overcome procrastination.
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Visualizing group sex might relate to a desire for community. If you’re in a setting with lots of people, you may want to be the center of attention. You may also want to feel what it’s like to be irresistible. These dreams can help you think about the most supportive environments where you’ll be fully celebrated. ^{[14]
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- What to do :
  - Dreams about orgies are also linked to chaos in your life. When you fantasize about them, reflect on what would bring you balance. ^{[15]
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  - Think about whether you feel overlooked. Do you feel like you keep a really low profile or don't get a lot of attention?
  - Consider how you can make your presence known. Maybe you can share your art online or go to more parties.
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Fantasizing about sex with a celebrity suggests you envy them. This person probably symbolizes traits you really admire. For example, you may picture a pop star because you like how fun-loving and charismatic they are. Use the dream as inspiration to cultivate those qualities in yourself.
- What to do :
  - Try watching clips or content featuring this celebrity. Journal about why they inspire you so much. For example, write, "He's so bold and daring."
  - Take some lifestyle or fashion cues from this celebrity. For example, try wearing leather jackets or telling more jokes.
  - Think about what you already share in common with the star. You might notice your friends love how colorful and imaginative you are.
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Imagining sex in public could mean that you're feeling vulnerable. Usually, these scenarios catch you off guard and leave you more exposed than you’d like to be. You might’ve pictured this because you were ashamed or embarrassed lately. Consider how you can exercise more self-compassion. ^{[16]
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- What to do :
  - Reflect on any recent events that bothered you. Maybe you felt like you made the wrong comment or didn't make the right impression at an event.
  - Consider what would repair your self-esteem. For example, maybe you need more chances to talk to someone so they warm up to you.
  - Decide on what you'd like to stay private in your life. You might not want to open up about struggles at work or in your family.
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Picturing awkward sex may mean you’re worried about performance. If the intimacy is very lackluster, then you might feel uncertain about your abilities. Reflect on areas in your life where you’d like to “show up” more, like your love life, your friendships, or your job. ^{[17]
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- What to do :
  - Think about where you feel like you're falling behind. Maybe you just started a new night class and you're really unfamiliar with the material.
  - Consider any feedback you've received. Your partner might've made a remark about how you're not very present in the relationship.
  - Come up with solutions to boost your confidence. For example, you can study for longer periods of time or go on a fun date night with your partner.
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Dreams of infidelity may mean you have relationship insecurities. If you’re cheating in your dreams, your subconscious may be telling you that you feel bored, guilty, jealous, or anxious. Evaluate the quality of your connection in real life and discuss how you can improve it. ^{[18]
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- What to do :
  - Think about what you want "outside" of the relationship. You might just want more time with your friends or some space so you can focus on projects.
  - Consider whether you or your partner seem fully invested. For example, if your significant other is less communicative, bring that up to them.
  - Focus on what would give you a greater level of security. You might want your partner to check in more often or reach out to you more.
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Dreams about sexual abuse may be related to past trauma. This nightmare may be a flashback or a symbol of how powerless you feel. If this dream frightens you or is recurrent, reach out to a therapist to discuss its impact on you as well as what may be triggering it. ^{[19]
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- What to do :
  - If the dream seems unrelated to trauma, journal about it or talk to someone you trust. You might feel a little trapped by a situation, like high rent.
  - If you have distressing flashbacks, schedule an appointment with a therapist. Describe your dreams and background about your past.