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Figure out why he's giving you the cold shoulder
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Whether he’s your long-term partner or your newest crush, few things are as frustrating as a guy who ignores you. It leaves you hurt, anxious, and wondering if you did something to deserve the cold shoulder, even when you think things are going great. This article covers possible reasons a guy may ignore you, signs to watch for, and how to respond in a healthy way when it happens. We also spoke with Clinical Psychologist Lena Dicken to learn more about healthy communication strategies.
Why He Might Be Ignoring You
It might seem like a guy ignores you if he’s busy or has a different communication style. He may also be bad at expressing his emotions or need space to process what he’s feeling. However, he may be playing hard to get or is not interested in a relationship with you.
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Section 1 of 5:
Reasons He’s Ignoring You
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He’s busy with other priorities. There are good reasons a guy may not be getting back to you. People get sick, lose their jobs, or are coping with a family crisis. These are all perfectly understandable reasons you may not hear from him. This is especially true if you’re in the early stages of a relationship. The important thing to remember is that it’s not about you or anything you’ve done. In this case, he’s distracted by dealing with personal issues. [1] X Research source
- If you aren’t hearing from a guy you’ve been in a relationship with for a while, it’s a more troubling sign that you may no longer be a priority in his life.
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He has a different style of communication. Generally, women are more sensitive to reading the underlying meanings of messages – or a lack of them – than men. [2] X Research source So, maybe he’s not trying to ignore you. He might not know there’s anything wrong with leaving you on read for a few hours. While different communication styles can cause friction, they don’t necessarily mean your guy doesn’t care about your feelings.
- Another reason it seems like he’s ignoring you might be that he prefers talking in person to texting. Or, he isn’t used to communicating as frequently as you are.
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He’s not good at expressing his emotions. In our society, men are often taught that showing their feelings isn’t masculine. Dicken says, “A lot of people are quite worried about being vulnerable, just nervous about being seen in a certain way, or worrying about sharing too much.” They’re expected to hide their emotions or be perceived as being “out of control.” While men still experience emotions, they struggle to express what they feel. [3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source This might make it seem like your guy is ignoring you, especially if you tell him how you feel about him.
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He needs some space to work out his feelings. Because some men have difficulty regulating and expressing feelings, they may need a little more time before they’re able to talk about them. You may not hear from him because he’s working out how he feels about you. [4] X Research source
- One of the things he may be working through is that he thinks you’re too good for him…or he has an inflated opinion of himself.
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He’s playing hard to get. Some people think men don’t play hard to get , but they do. They do it for the same reasons some women do: they think it makes you want them more, and they’re testing how interested you are in them. However, there’s also some evidence that these tactics are more likely to be used by people with narcissistic personality traits . [5] X Research source
- Playing hard to get is a type of manipulation because the guy is falsely representing his availability. [6] X Research source
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He’s afraid of commitment or rejection. Men are often seen as having a fear of commitment. While this isn’t the case with every single guy, some men are commitment phobes. It’s often the result of other fears, like rejection, being controlled, or trusting a woman. Other things that may lead to a fear of commitment are that he’s not worthy of love or that his deepest secrets will be exposed. [7] X Research source
- The good news is that he may really like you and want to slow things down. Unfortunately, he has to do some work to be ready for a healthy relationship.
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He wants to keep things casual. Maybe he’s afraid of commitment, just looking for a hookup, or wants to date around. Any of these reasons might be why he’s ignoring you. If he’s not looking for a long-term relationship, he may feel like you’re coming on too strong. However, if he hasn’t made it clear that he wants to keep your relationship casual, ignoring you can really hurt your feelings. It’s also not a healthy, respectful response to your communications. [8] X Research source
- There’s nothing wrong with casual dating as long as you’re both on the same page. But if he’s not being honest about what he wants, that’s a problem.
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He isn’t really that into you. You’ve tried giving him the benefit of the doubt, but he’s still ignoring your perfectly reasonable attempts at communication. It might be a sign he’s stringing you along but isn’t really interested in you. It’s also possible he was interested in the beginning but is not feeling it anymore. Instead of telling you he doesn’t think it will work out, he went cold. [9] X Research source
- If he lost interest and didn’t have the decency to be upfront with you about it, move on. You don’t need a relationship with someone who shows so little consideration for your feelings.
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He’s playing mind games with you. Men usually play mind games because they’re worried about feeling vulnerable, but some of them do it because they think it’s fun. The guys in the first category might end up being good partners. The ones in the second are better left in your rearview mirror. They may get a kick out of trying to control you, or they may be looking for an ego boost. Whatever their reason, you don’t need that drama. [10] X Research source
- He could also be trying to make you feel jealous to help cover up his insecurities.
- No matter what his reasons are, you get to choose whether you want to deal with his mind games or not.
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He’s punishing you with the silent treatment. This is a passive-aggressive move that some guys pull when they’re upset with you for some reason. The silent treatment is a terrible way to deal with relationship issues because all it does is create feelings of anxiety, sadness, and rejection. When someone you care for goes silent on you, it can cause self-doubt and be a massive hit to your self-esteem. No one who cares for you would want to do that. [11] X Research source
- Disengaging from a conflict isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, stepping away to cool off can be a healthy way to deal with an argument.
- However, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse when it's used as a form of punishment. [12] X Research source
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He’s emotionally unavailable. It’s sometimes hard to spot emotionally unavailable guys . These guys are always looking for ways to avoid letting their romantic relationships get too serious. Most of the time, this comes from repeatedly being denied something they needed in early childhood. That’s sad, but it’s not an excuse for someone you’re in a relationship with to be emotionally unavailable with you. [13] X Research source
- You don’t have to give up if you’re already in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man…as long as he’s willing to do the necessary work to become more open about his feelings.
- If he’s unwilling to change or you’re at the beginning of a relationship, be very cautious about getting more involved with him, or you might end up hurt.
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He’s ghosting or trying to break up with you. Maybe he’s found someone new, or he doesn’t have time for a relationship. Maybe he has some other reason for not wanting to be with you, and doesn’t have the courage to tell you to your face. He might not want to hurt you, or he’s trying to avoid conflict. No matter what his reasoning is, not being direct with you is hurtful and weak.
- Guys ghost girls for a lot of reasons. It’s okay to feel upset about it. Just remember, it’s not your fault.
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Section 2 of 5:
What to Do When a Crush Ignores You
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Casually reach out to see if he responds. If you’ve noticed your crush hasn’t talked to you in a while and are wondering if he’s ignoring you, the best thing to do is send a text to check-in. It’s possible he’s just been busy, so be sure to keep the tone light, or he might think you’re coming on too strong. [14] X Research source For example:
- “Hey! I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I just wanted to see how things were going.”
- “Howdy, stranger! How’s it going?”
- “Just checking in to see if you’re still around!”
- If you don’t have their number, try to catch them in a place where you both hang out, like work or school.
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Contact him once more and be more direct. If it’s been a few days and your crush still hasn’t responded to your check-in text, it might mean he doesn’t want to talk or doesn’t want to talk… to you . But don’t jump to conclusions yet! Reach out one more time, but be more direct. Use a more serious tone, but keep it light. [15] X Research source Say something like:
- “Hi! I still haven’t heard from you. Is something wrong?”
- “Hey! I haven’t seen you for a while. Are we good?”
- “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me lately. Have I done something to upset you?”
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Try not to take it personally. If you still don’t hear from a crush, let go of the relationship. Giving up on someone you have feelings for isn’t easy, but it’s important to accept that they aren’t interested. Move on, and you may find someone who likes you just as much as you like them.
- Don’t keep texting or talking to him. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, continuing to reach out won’t make the situation any better,
- If your crush is in your friend group, don’t treat him any differently than before. He might like you as a friend but isn’t interested in anything more. If you still want to be friends with him, let the awkwardness pass and just go back to interacting normally.
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Spend time with people who care about you. Figuring out your crush doesn’t like you never feels good. One of the best things to do is spend time having fun with your friends . Catch a movie. Host a board game night. Or, just hang out and chat. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you do it with people who enjoy your company.
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Section 3 of 5:
What to Do When a Date Ignores You
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Send a laid-back text when you’ve only been on a few dates. If you’ve been on a few dates with a guy and you haven’t heard from him, it’s okay to reach out. Send a message asking if they’re okay. When you’ve only been on a few dates, don’t ask him if you’ve done anything wrong. Keep the focus on them. They’re the ones who aren’t replying. [16] X Research source Try saying something like:
- “Hey, I haven’t heard from you since our date. Is everything okay with you?”
- “How are things going? It’s been a while, and I just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”
- “Hi, I want to check in. I feel like you’re no longer interested. If that’s the case, will you let me know?”
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Focus on self-care instead of reaching out again. If he doesn’t respond after you politely reach out, take it as a sign. You can’t control his actions. Focus on the things that are in your control, like your well-being. Get plenty of sleep , do yoga , and maintain a healthy diet . [17] X Research source
- Self-care can be anything you enjoy doing or find relaxing. If you’d rather read than do yoga, go right ahead.
- This is also a great time to take up a new hobby you’ve been longing to try!
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3Move on by spending time with friends and meeting new people. It wasn’t your fault this guy didn’t have the decency to break things off cleanly. Spend more time with friends who see what a great person you are. When you feel ready, start dating again. The right person will see what a fun, interesting, and caring person you are. [18] X Research source
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Section 4 of 5:
What to Do When a Partner Ignores You
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Don’t wait for them to reach out. It’s okay to approach a long-term partner if you feel ignored. Send a text, give them a call, or talk to them in person. It doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation, but extended silence isn’t normal in a serious, long-term relationship. He may appreciate you saying something. By tactfully bringing it up, you’re making an effort to correct the situation.
- Say something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed a little distance between us lately. Can we talk about it?”
- Don’t worry if it takes them some time to answer. If he’s upset about something, he may need a little time and space to work out what he wants to say.
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Reach out one more time. If it’s been a few days and you still haven’t heard from your boyfriend, call again or shoot them another text. Try to be as compassionate as possible. Dicken says, “I'm always a big fan of kindness whenever possible. So, just really thinking maybe this person is going through something, and it's not about me…Let them know you still care, even if they don't respond.”
- Say something like, “I haven’t heard back from you. I really want to fix whatever is wrong if I can. I’d love to talk about it this week.”
- “Even though you're not up for connecting with me right now, I'm still here for you. I hope we can talk again when you're ready.”
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Listen to what he has to say. If he does agree to talk to you, start by asking him why he’s been ignoring you. Then, let him talk without interrupting. You don’t have to agree with everything he says. Just hear him out so your discussion is more productive moving forward. [19] X Research source
- Start the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “I feel like you’ve been ignoring me on purpose. If that’s true, can you tell me what’s happening?”
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Acknowledge his feelings so he knows you’re listening. One of the most common reasons people shut down in a relationship is because they feel hurt. If you’ve fought recently or done something that hurt his feelings, let him know you understand. Show him you’re open to talking by validating his feelings, and always speak respectfully. [20] X Research source
- Try saying something like, “I understand that not calling you sooner when I had to change our plans was wrong. I can see why it made you upset.”
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Share how being ignored makes you feel. Once he has shared his feelings, it’s your turn to explain how you’re feeling. Tell him how much it hurt you when he ignored you. It may be tempting to exaggerate your feelings to help get your point across, but that might make them feel guilty or even more upset. This won’t do anything to help you work through the issue. [21] X Research source
- Say something along the lines of, “It hurt when I realized you were purposefully ignoring me. I felt like you were pulling away from me, and I didn’t know why.”
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Suggest a plan to move forward. Tell them how you plan to be more sensitive to their feelings moving forward. Then, tell how you would like them to deal with these types of issues moving forward. Don’t present your plan as a done deal. Let them know you’re open to a discussion about what would make them feel better. [22] X Research source
- Try something like, “In the future, I will give you as much notice as possible if something comes up and I have to change our plans. I get that you might need space when you’re feeling upset, but please just tell me that. Will that work for you, or do you have some ideas about how you want to handle disagreements in the future?”
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References
- ↑ https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/why-do-men-ignore-women
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